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  1. #141
    Pose! Salt n' pepper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    ^^^ Introduce her to MBTI perhaps(that's what worked for me..seeing that it *was* ok to be me and there *were* others weird like me in this world and they could be appreciated, as could I, for who we are by others) and show her that her preferences are perfectly ok and she's not harming anyone by being herself. Takes a while for that to sink in as the value of 'being true to yourself' constantly fights the value of 'valuing everyone's input'. Finding that balance is..extremely taxing and a lot of work. Also, never judge her if she *does* voice an opinion. Acknowledge that it has value, even if you disagree with it (which you then can exlpain as your pov later on).

    She has a long road ahead of her, but it's well worth the journey. Just get her to break the loop of self-doubt, rebellion and guilt she's stuck in.
    Thanks, Am. You gave some good advice! It took me a while to realize she's different from me. I used to write her off as weak and immature, due to some poor decisions and childish behavior. But now I understand her better, and I accept her for who she is, which makes me appreciate her more. She's got a lot of depth.

  2. #142
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Salt n' pepper View Post
    Funny you should say this. I'm talking to my INFP friend on IM. I asked what she was doing, and she said she was writing a list of things that bug her so she can easier address them. Then she started saying she's not structured enough or organized enough and that she think it's hard that she hasn't developed these traits yet. She's 23. Then she said something about that she didn't feel like she was living her own life, rather that she was living someone else's life. I get the sense that her family's constantly trying to change and mold her into being more like them; all hard Js and very conformal. So she feels like she does not fit in at home, that they don't understand her and that they have nothing in common, but that she has gotten used to it. She seems confused about her priorities and her wants.

    Is she depressed or just in a rut/bad phase? How can I help? She's a brilliant woman. I told her to accept that her family is just a bunch of individuals she didn't choose to know and live with. That she didn't have to feel obligated to understand and "belong" to them. I also gave her an escape rout: told her she could come stay at my apartment if she needed to get away. But I can't seem to comfort her or make her stop feeling bad. When I ask about one thing, 20 other things seem to come up.
    You're probably helping more than her family in that respect. Problem is these things move slowly and the difference between depression and "just a rut" is a wide field of grey, at least for me. Then again, due to growing up in an unhealthy P environment I had to start taking my own life into my own hands as early as 9 years old. It's been a long road and the solid goals that I did have I had completed mostly by the time I turned 20. Last year through to this year I had reaped the fruits of fully realizing them. However, since four years ago I've been sitting in an emptiness of "where the hell do I go from here. I went at these things almost as if a method of vengeance.

    Right now I'm biding my time for another possible change in my life. The direction partially dependant on external forces while the decision to act will still be mine. That with out anyone to understand how this feels to talk to, I suppose, is driving me a little crazy. Anyway, there's the 20 other things, but they all relate to a core frustration and that may be similar to where your friend is at.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

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  3. #143
    Pose! Salt n' pepper's Avatar
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    I think she has a innate feeling of not being good enough. She doubts herself and her abilities, a lot. Feeling not smart enough to study physics, not motivated enough to keep up. She eventually falls behind in her studies and the negative circle of selfdoubt starts.

  4. #144
    Listening Oaky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jaguar View Post
    It's our secret weapon.
    For sure!

  5. #145
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Salt n' pepper View Post
    I think she has a innate feeling of not being good enough. She doubts herself and her abilities, a lot. Feeling not smart enough to study physics, not motivated enough to keep up. She eventually falls behind in her studies and the negative circle of selfdoubt starts.
    Ah, I keep forgetting how I get out of those. Something happens that breaks it, either I cause it or someone else does. Either that or I'm better at last minute self motivation than I thought...
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  6. #146
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    IME, INFPs, like the INTP, get stuck in a rut a lot. I get the sense that they get overwhelmed a lot and feels unhappy with their situation. Many INFPs I've talked to have also experienced outer pressure of changing themselves, feeling different and not fitting in. Do you relate?
    I tend to have a need to find something I can control in my life, and following some kind of directed purpose. Following a directed purpose means I can put things in place to support whatever the purpose may be (like... going to school, going dancing, doing some-far-off-distant-thing) and give me a reason to keep on living.

    Is she depressed or just in a rut/bad phase? How can I help? She's a brilliant woman. I told her to accept that her family is just a bunch of individuals she didn't choose to know and live with. That she didn't have to feel obligated to understand and "belong" to them. I also gave her an escape rout: told her she could come stay at my apartment if she needed to get away. But I can't seem to comfort her or make her stop feeling bad. When I ask about one thing, 20 other things seem to come up.
    I see her as being in a rut. I don't know how she could live at home. I'd imagine she'd feel better if she separated herself from them so she could figure herself out internally rather then feeling like she is abnormal. her external & internal view of the world don't seem to match but forcing one's internal needs to match those of external forces seems wholly unpleasant and unrealistic. if she has any bigger or broader goals, she should look at those rather then addressing any of her present issues since it may be easier for to her forge ahead if she knows what her directed purpose is.

  7. #147
    Pose! Salt n' pepper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by runvardh View Post
    Ah, I keep forgetting how I get out of those. Something happens that breaks it, either I cause it or someone else does. Either that or I'm better at last minute self motivation than I thought...
    From what I have seen, a new love interest usually changes her entire "glow", from a shade of grey to that "pregnant glow" with pink clouds surrounding her. I think love or a partner might be very important to her and her sense of self. It's like she's not really there, when she's single. If that makes any sense. Maybe she feels lost without a boyfriend? I don't know. I have never been able to break her negative cycle for a longer period of time and as far as I know, she hasn't either.

  8. #148
    Pose! Salt n' pepper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by file cabinet View Post
    I don't know how she could live at home. I'd imagine she'd feel better if she separated herself from them so she could figure herself out internally rather then feeling like she is abnormal. her external & internal view of the world don't seem to match but forcing one's internal needs to match those of external forces seems wholly unpleasant and unrealistic. if she has any bigger or broader goals, she should look at those rather then addressing any of her present issues since it may be easier for to her forge ahead if she knows what her directed purpose is.
    Yes, she's been wanting to move out for a long time. But due to financial difficulties, lack of trying and her mom telling her it's a bad idea, she hasn't gotten to it. I don't understand why. There are student loan for her financial needs, if the motivation to move out is there - trying shouldn't be a problem and listening to her mom is just a bad habit. Frustrating.

  9. #149
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JivinJeffJones View Post
    Pipe down, INFPs. Let the non-INFPs speak.
    This thread sort of explains why I have to constantly tell people here that they can be honest with me - that I won't explode on them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Salt n' pepper View Post
    Yes, she's been wanting to move out for a long time. But due to financial difficulties, lack of trying and her mom telling her it's a bad idea, she hasn't gotten to it. I don't understand why. There are student loan for her financial needs, if the motivation to move out is there - trying shouldn't be a problem and listening to her mom is just a bad habit. Frustrating.
    She uses the money, etc issues as an excuse not to deal with whatever emotional roadblock is keeping her with her family. There are only three ways she'll move out:

    a) She falls in love and moves in with/marries someone. (She likely doesn't realize that living with her family likely hurts the chances of that happening.)
    b) Her family pushes her too far and crosses some Fi boundary.
    c) She faces whatever emotional issues are holding her back.

    A) and B) aren't in her control - so it's likely she'll feel powerless to move out for awhile. Perhaps someday she will reach C) and realize she has her own power. It didn't begin happening for me until I was 28, long after I had moved out.

    As long as the emotional roadblock is there, she won't realistically look at solving the legitimate issues she will face by moving out. For me, it was my mom sabotaging an 8 month relationship by constantly creating situations where I had to choose between her and my gf. That pushed me over the edge and only then was I able to do things like ask my friend with an extra room if he'll let me room with him for awhile, fight for a pay raise at my work, and finally move out.

  10. #150
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Salt n' pepper View Post
    From what I have seen, a new love interest usually changes her entire "glow", from a shade of grey to that "pregnant glow" with pink clouds surrounding her. I think love or a partner might be very important to her and her sense of self. It's like she's not really there, when she's single. If that makes any sense. Maybe she feels lost without a boyfriend? I don't know. I have never been able to break her negative cycle for a longer period of time and as far as I know, she hasn't either.
    Oh shit, that... I know what that's like and spend lots of energy trying not to let that run my cycle. How successful at it I have been I'm not sure of though. I don't have anyone around with enough experience to give me an outside opinion that would be informative. I know my inner quality of life would be better if I had a decent girlfriend to love; but those don't happen often and rushing gets me tied up in the bad ones.

    I wonder if she could be talked out with that as a carrot, like Udog suggested. Might be worth a try if you haven't already.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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