[ENFP] Hate an ENFP? Tell us why!

[quietgirl]

When you can't give them attention, you need to give an overdone and thorough explanation that makes it absolutely clear that you are not blowing them off in any way, and are not devaluing them, or "sticking" one to them at all.

Yea, this happened when I had a date on a night my best friend wanted to hang out. She was deeply offended that I was "choosing to hang out with my boyfriend over her" and I had to give an indepth explanation of my actions. Afterwards, she felt awful for putting me in such an impossible position (especially since we had not verbalized any plans with one another that night) but that wasn't until AFTER she made me feel like an awful friend. ENFPs, why in the world does something like this make you feel rejected? Do you normally set plans in your head with someone without verbalizing them, thus holding that person to a standard that they can never meet, and then feel rejected when they do not do what you wish they would do? I can see this a little in myself, so I guess it may be an NF thing - but I tend verbalize set plans much better & I don't take it personally if a friend hangs out with someone else when nothing was set in stone.

 

[findthejake]

I do this to a certain extent, as much as I want to deny that I do. I do make plans in my head before I even call the people. It's that whole mentality of the world revolves around me thing. It's hard to get over!

 

[arcticangel02]

My question is.... What exactly are you looking for in a response from someone you like? The thing I see troubling my best friend the most is that she has such high standards for this response that she writes off people WAY too soon because she assumes they are not interested. Then afterwards, her self esteem gets crushed & I'm left saying, "but he WAS interested in you! You gave him signals that YOU weren't interested!". Another thing she does when she is interested in someone is find something to criticize & turn her off about them - thus preventing getting attached.

YES. This is a problem I have, too.

I know where I get it from - I've had people mistake me for liking someone when all I was doing was having a simple conversation with them. So the situation gets uncomfortable for me, because then I can be faced with the rather horrible task of turning someone down.

Thus, I often find myself feeling uncomfortable and skittering away from a person if I feel that they've got an interest in me (imagined or otherwise). Even though I might sort of like the person involved. I guess I feel like by acting my normal self around them, I'm inviting something way too personal way too soon. Which I know is probably not the case, but STILL.

I'm very bad at finding a middle road. I'm either my usual warm self, or when I get uncomfortable, quite cold/disinterested. (This only happens in the aforementioned situation, or if I'm really bugged by someone who won't leave me alone.)

Crushes undergo what you mentioned - I'll be briefly very interested, then I'll notice something, anything that is not perfect, and that's it. I'm not interested anymore. On occasion I have re-warmed to someone who persisted, but my first (and rather strong) instinct seems to be to notice something wrong and reject them. Which is bad, considering that nobody's perfect.

And I'm also remembering that I really am paranoid. I'm not, usually, but last night I swapped numbers with a guy, and we made nonspecific plans for coffee in two days time. It's now like 7pm the next day and I'm getting worried because he hasn't messaged me yet today. Maybe he forgot? Or was too drunk to remember? Or changed his mind? I could message him, but I wouldn't want to sound desperate. Or paranoid. Y'know. *twitch*

STOP, brain. PLEASE!

 

[CzeCze]

I also notice that I tend to keep in touch with people better than her, while she expects to just pick up where she left off with people & everything always be the same with them. I've seen her hurt on a few occasions when other people do not respond to her when she suddenly reappears in their life after a long absence.

Ouch, this one hits home because I also feel like distance is nothing and time is so relative. I keep friends in my heart and think of them often and quite often can pick up right where we left off even after years and years away. The only times I've found things do NOT pick up is if the relationship was not that close to begin with, i.e. acquintances or casual friends. Or it is a time vs. distance thing and said friends after inviting me out for a year have moved on and found a whole new social life to replace me. Which is fine... After getting used to it. Change just means things take a while to fall into place.

Another friend (unknown type) asked me if moving around made me miss my friends in those cities dearly. Honestly for me? No. If anything it makes me happy to know that I will have friends in different places and we can visit each other in different time zones and experience new things together.

This friend then countered, 'Yeah, but do you even HAVE close relationships with people? HAHHAHAH. Maybe she's INTP, I dunno.
And I thought about it -- and yes I do. I think...

Dammit...

 

[CzeCze]

And I'm also remembering that I really am paranoid. I'm not, usually, but last night I swapped numbers with a guy, and we made nonspecific plans for coffee in two days time. It's now like 7pm the next day and I'm getting worried because he hasn't messaged me yet today. Maybe he forgot? Or was too drunk to remember? Or changed his mind? I could message him, but I wouldn't want to sound desperate. Or paranoid. Y'know. *twitch*

STOP, brain. PLEASE!

Good luck! I think this paranoia crosses genders though when it comes to dating. If it helps, men seem to be on a slower clock than women.

Generally, I think our ENFP intuition is pretty good at gauging someone's interest in us. If we can even register that they are interested. Hahhaha. Especially if we have been dating and out and about in the world for a while. So basically, if we 'know' what someone's interest level in us is, we're usually pretty accurate.

So if you thought this guy was pretty into you, he probably was. So you can relax.

And if he never calls, chalk it up to life and give out 3 numbers next time to cover your bases.

 

[quietgirl]

YES. This is a problem I have, too.

I know where I get it from - I've had people mistake me for liking someone when all I was doing was having a simple conversation with them. So the situation gets uncomfortable for me, because then I can be faced with the rather horrible task of turning someone down.

Thus, I often find myself feeling uncomfortable and skittering away from a person if I feel that they've got an interest in me (imagined or otherwise). Even though I might sort of like the person involved. I guess I feel like by acting my normal self around them, I'm inviting something way too personal way too soon. Which I know is probably not the case, but STILL.

I'm very bad at finding a middle road. I'm either my usual warm self, or when I get uncomfortable, quite cold/disinterested. (This only happens in the aforementioned situation, or if I'm really bugged by someone who won't leave me alone.)

Crushes undergo what you mentioned - I'll be briefly very interested, then I'll notice something, anything that is not perfect, and that's it. I'm not interested anymore. On occasion I have re-warmed to someone who persisted, but my first (and rather strong) instinct seems to be to notice something wrong and reject them. Which is bad, considering that nobody's perfect.

And I'm also remembering that I really am paranoid. I'm not, usually, but last night I swapped numbers with a guy, and we made nonspecific plans for coffee in two days time. It's now like 7pm the next day and I'm getting worried because he hasn't messaged me yet today. Maybe he forgot? Or was too drunk to remember? Or changed his mind? I could message him, but I wouldn't want to sound desperate. Or paranoid. Y'know. *twitch*

STOP, brain. PLEASE!

Yea, that sounds like her to a T. My next question - Do you secretly want a long term relationship or do you want to continue to play the field? I get the feeling that deep down, my best friend wants a long term relationship & to be honest, she acts sort of jealous when her friends start one & goes into "why not me?" self pity mode. I try to give her advice when she asks on how I always end up in them, but I want to give her the right advice & I always feel like I'm looking at it from a serial monogamist (me) point of view.

 

[quietgirl]

Another friend (unknown type) asked me if moving around made me miss my friends in those cities dearly. Honestly for me? No. If anything it makes me happy to know that I will have friends in different places and we can visit each other in different time zones and experience new things together.

I asked my best friend the same exact question and got pretty much the same exact answer. It differs for me because I feel like in order to maintain a friendship, both people need to put in the effort. I miss those not near me dearly and continue to talk to them on a fairly regular basis. We seem to be polar opposites in this way.

 

[wedekit]

My best friend is an ENFP. No initiative. Wait's last minute to do things, and if she works up enough nerve she wont even do it at all. She can't stand being alone. Too trusting of people which eventually leads to them walking all over her. She easily dishes out criticism but can't take it back. Takes everything personally. I doubt she could walk out on a bad relationship.

We are in harmony with each other, and I serve as her bodyguard I suppose. I can read people like a book, so I warn her about people she should be careful around. I make her think about the consequences of her choices when she's on the verge of making a bad decision. She in turn is always up for fun/making things fun, which is always nice. BFF.

 

[quietgirl]

My best friend is an ENFP. No initiative. Wait's last minute to do things, and if she works up enough nerve she wont even do it at all. She can't stand being alone. Too trusting of people which eventually leads to them walking all over her. Takes everything personally.

Another INFJ-ENFP best friendship, ha. Mine's the same way, but you should hear her gripes about me... "too bossy, too demanding, too direct in my speech that it hurts her feelings occasionally, too MUCH initiative, too rigid about plans - i don't leave an option for the unexpected, overextend myself too much, gets too involved in relationships, always in a relationship..."

 

[arcticangel02]

Yea, that sounds like her to a T. My next question - Do you secretly want a long term relationship or do you want to continue to play the field? I get the feeling that deep down, my best friend wants a long term relationship & to be honest, she acts sort of jealous when her friends start one & goes into "why not me?" self pity mode. I try to give her advice when she asks on how I always end up in them, but I want to give her the right advice & I always feel like I'm looking at it from a serial monogamist (me) point of view.

Secretly, yes, I do want a long-term relationship. I would probably not admit this to any of my RL friends. I tell them I don't really care - if someone comes along, great! If not, then no worries. Which is kind of true, too.

This probably is made worse by the fact that apart from me and my best friend, all of our friendship group are in fairly settled relationships, and have been for a while. And my best friend was in a relationship, but it ended. I, on the other hand, have somehow managed to remain single for, uh, a while.

(And yes, I can definitely sympathise with your friend!)

 

[CzeCze]

My best friend is an ENFP. No initiative. Wait's last minute to do things, and if she works up enough nerve she wont even do it at all. She can't stand being alone. Too trusting of people which eventually leads to them walking all over her. She easily dishes out criticism but can't take it back. Takes everything personally. I doubt she could walk out on a bad relationship.

We are in harmony with each other, and I serve as her bodyguard I suppose. I can read people like a book, so I warn her about people she should be careful around. I make her think about the consequences of her choices when she's on the verge of making a bad decision. She in turn is always up for fun/making things fun, which is always nice. BFF.

I'm glad you are appreciative of ENFPs.

But...Egads, do you think your friend has stress or confidence issues? This is not a diss at all and not just directed at you or your friend. When ENFPs are stressed or have not matured to a healthy point, they can express some of the traits your friend has.

I can identify with some descriptions of your friend, but honestly from when I was younger and about your friend's age (early 20s, college?)

I think when your friend gets to a more confident more healthily expressed point and especially shores up her secondary/tertiary functions, she will become much more focused, able to set and meet goals, plan ahead, be less unecessarilycritical of others, more able to take criticism, and MUCH better able to read people.

I'm actually a little surprised, because from my personal experience and type understanding, ENFPs are excellent at intuitively reading and 'getting' people and understanding people's motivations. Though trust me, I have experienced being a TOTAL SUCKER before too, again around the age range of your friend especially when I was depressed and my intuition and feelings were going crazy and overloading me with too much information for me to process.

I'm sure she'll still appreciate you being her bodyguard though.

Secretly, yes, I do want a long-term relationship. I would probably not admit this to any of my RL friends. I tell them I don't really care - if someone comes along, great! If not, then no worries. Which is kind of true, too.

This probably is made worse by the fact that apart from me and my best friend, all of our friendship group are in fairly settled relationships, and have been for a while. And my best friend was in a relationship, but it ended. I, on the other hand, have somehow managed to remain single for, uh, a while.

(And yes, I can definitely sympathise with your friend!)

Okay, my curiousity is really piqued. I thought ENFPs were pretty popular with the opposite (or same) sex. I just read a comment on this forum by a non-ENFP who said we have a 'chirpy, slutty exterior' -- HAHAHAHHA, um no.

But, why do you think you are not in a long-term relationship if you want to be?

 

[arcticangel02]

Okay, my curiousity is really piqued. I thought ENFPs were pretty popular with the opposite (or same) sex. I just read a comment on this forum by a non-ENFP who said we have a 'chirpy, slutty exterior' -- HAHAHAHHA, um no.

But, why do you think you are not in a long-term relationship if you want to be?

I really don't know!

It's not for lack of attention, or anything. It seems to me like it's more that I'm just picky! I'm sorry, but I'm not going to go out with just anyone! :rolli: But on the other hand, even when I've decided that I will give someone a chance, one of those things I mentioned before will kick in. I'll notice them interested in me and then for some reason I'll find myself backpedalling quite quickly.

I'm not sure why I can't just relax and let things happen. It probably also has a lot to do with the fact the whole relationships thing is rather new and unfamiliar to me. (My longest relationship to date was only a couple of weks long.) Just the awkwardness of getting to know yourself at this age, maybe? I used to be a fairly shy kid, so I don't think I'm quite done with growing out of that, so to speak.

Plus, the fact that people have on more than one occaision misunderstood my intention - I think I feel like I have to be on my guard, a little, in case I encourage them too much. :rolli: Again with the awkwardness - I wouldn't know how to deal with that sort of situation. (In fact, I'm sure I'd cope fine, if thrown into it, but given a chance to think about it, my brain will, naturally, exaggerate.)

Probably just rampant idealism, now that I think on it. My brain going: Oops, they're not perfect. Next!

In any case, as much as I'd like to be in a long-term relationship, I'm not going to, yeah, go out with just anyone for the sake of being in a relationship. They really do have to pique my interest. And I am, for the most part, content and happy being single.


Also, can I pass the question on to quietgirl, and ask her to answer as best she can for her friend? Since she mentioned, above, that what I wrote sounded similar to her friend, I'm curious to see if she has similar thoughts about this question. Maybe she'll be able to offer some insight from a distance. Although it is a hard one to answer!

 

[quietgirl]

I really don't know!

It's not for lack of attention, or anything. It seems to me like it's more that I'm just picky! I'm sorry, but I'm not going to go out with just anyone! :rolli: But on the other hand, even when I've decided that I will give someone a chance, one of those things I mentioned before will kick in. I'll notice them interested in me and then for some reason I'll find myself backpedalling quite quickly.

I'm not sure why I can't just relax and let things happen. It probably also has a lot to do with the fact the whole relationships thing is rather new and unfamiliar to me. (My longest relationship to date was only a couple of weks long.) Just the awkwardness of getting to know yourself at this age, maybe? I used to be a fairly shy kid, so I don't think I'm quite done with growing out of that, so to speak.

Plus, the fact that people have on more than one occaision misunderstood my intention - I think I feel like I have to be on my guard, a little, in case I encourage them too much. :rolli: Again with the awkwardness - I wouldn't know how to deal with that sort of situation. (In fact, I'm sure I'd cope fine, if thrown into it, but given a chance to think about it, my brain will, naturally, exaggerate.)

Probably just rampant idealism, now that I think on it. My brain going: Oops, they're not perfect. Next!

In any case, as much as I'd like to be in a long-term relationship, I'm not going to, yeah, go out with just anyone for the sake of being in a relationship. They really do have to pique my interest. And I am, for the most part, content and happy being single.


Also, can I pass the question on to quietgirl, and ask her to answer as best she can for her friend? Since she mentioned, above, that what I wrote sounded similar to her friend, I'm curious to see if she has similar thoughts about this question. Maybe she'll be able to offer some insight from a distance. Although it is a hard one to answer!

Aww. I'll answer the best I can on behalf of my friend. Note that it'll be from the view of an INFJ, though.

Basically what my best friend has told me when I questioned her want to be in a relationship, but behaviors that seem to point in the opposite direction, is that she has this perfect guy in mind & nobody seems to live up to it. She also has never had a real relationship (no more than a month or so, if that), so she has no idea what one entails. In her head, things should be happy & fun at all times and when they aren't, she tends to bolt. I think she's a bit scared of someone else seeing her negative qualities so she beats them to the punch, so to say. It may be a form of needing acceptance and panicking that if she lets a guy get too close, he'll reject her.

She got frustrated when I started dating my current boyfriend, but when I started listing his imperfect qualities, she immediately said that she would've lost interest the first week. His negatives are by no means awful, but they didn't live up to her ideal of a perfect guy. Ive been trying to explain to her that her perfect guy doesn't exist, but there are plenty of imperfect guys who are normal and will treat her wonderfully if she gave them a chance. I mean, guys FLOCK to her every time we're out. She's a beautiful girl and guys are usually scrambling to buy her drinks. Plus, she has that super fun, almost quirky, ENFP personality & from an outsider point of view, guys really seem to be drawn to it. (Moreso than my mysterious INFJ personality at least! She carries me in a social situation!)

It hurts me as her best friend to see her get so upset because she wants a relationship, but then in turn exhibit behaviors that simply push people away or show that she is not interested.

 

[Hang]

INFJs and ENFP are natural partners, as some say.

They are always attracted to me somehow?

They are bubbly and Goddess bless them for that. But when it comes to a serious matter, they don't want to face it, or never take it seriously.

My friends (ENFP) always take advantage of me. And I decided not to say anything. They think I'm happy with it. But when I finally told them, they somehow tried to blame me and force on me the guilt. At times they can be extremely self-centered and conceited.

But I love my friends. And I guess I should put a limit to as how they take me for granted.

 

[cn1234567890]

INFJs and ENFP are natural partners, as some say.

They are always attracted to me somehow?

They are bubbly and Goddess bless them for that. But when it comes to a serious matter, they don't want to face it, or never take it seriously.

My friends (ENFP) always take advantage of me. And I decided not to say anything. They think I'm happy with it. But when I finally told them, they somehow tried to blame me and force on me the guilt. At times they can be extremely self-centered and conceited.

But I love my friends. And I guess I should put a limit to as how they take me for granted.

I have an INFJ friend and it's almost the opposite.. he takes advantage of me and my room mate (ENTP, she stopped putting up with him).. He would leave things in our room, make a mess and leave it for us to clean up.. I take things more seriously than it looks like I do. I don't want to burden other people with talking and talking about the one thing that's bothering me (ENFPs are indecisive and we need a lot of time to reflect on things that are not decisive) I can get carried up in the moment so it looks like I don't appreciate my friends maybe but I always let them know later when I have had some time to work through things. It sounds like your ENFP friend needs to spend that ENFP time alone..

 

[phoenix13]

There is nothing to hate about ENFPs. We are magnificent.

Kidding. The thing is, our weaknesses are rooted in our strengths. Impulsiveness, impatience, lack of focus, etc. This is classic Ne pathology and the bosom buddy of our lightning fast brains, creativity, and vitality.

For all the crap we go through just dealing with ourselves on a daily basis, I still say that of all the weaknesses we could have, ours is not such a bad set. Perhaps I should have listed the ability to uplift/encourage in our list of strenghts...

P.S. Oh meh gahhhh, I passed 100 posts!!!!! WHAA!!!! I'M A SENIOR MEMBER!!!

 

[SillyGoose]

Great way to put it, phoenix.

 

[SquirrelTao]

I have an ENFP co-worker I used to hate. Now I like him a lot. He's one of those people who is capable of being much more outrageously offensive than your run of the mill offensive jerk. But then he's also capable of being much more outrageously cool! He hasn't been too offensive in a while, but he has been pretty cool on more than one occasion recently, so he's okay now, in my book.

For a while, I stopped talking to him. This is what he did. It was Sunday night, and my husband and I were just sitting down to dinner. The phone rang. It was him, driving around in his car, drunk. He said he was going to find our house by driving down our road until he recognized our car. My husband got into the car with me, and we drove around in the dark and in the rain, looking for him, so my husband could find him and beat his *ss. We saw no sign of him, came home, went to bed without dinner that night, our whole mood for the rest of the evening was ruined, and then we got up and went to work the next morning.

 

[CzeCze]

Why did he want to come find your house?

 

[Thursday]

I can't resist you
You are the crazy women that i bleed for
the devil-may-care for this booksmart devil