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  1. #101
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    Quote Originally Posted by mysavior View Post

    When you can't give them attention, you need to give an overdone and thorough explanation that makes it absolutely clear that you are not blowing them off in any way, and are not devaluing them, or "sticking" one to them at all.
    Yea, this happened when I had a date on a night my best friend wanted to hang out. She was deeply offended that I was "choosing to hang out with my boyfriend over her" and I had to give an indepth explanation of my actions. Afterwards, she felt awful for putting me in such an impossible position (especially since we had not verbalized any plans with one another that night) but that wasn't until AFTER she made me feel like an awful friend. ENFPs, why in the world does something like this make you feel rejected? Do you normally set plans in your head with someone without verbalizing them, thus holding that person to a standard that they can never meet, and then feel rejected when they do not do what you wish they would do? I can see this a little in myself, so I guess it may be an NF thing - but I tend verbalize set plans much better & I don't take it personally if a friend hangs out with someone else when nothing was set in stone.

  2. #102

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    I do this to a certain extent, as much as I want to deny that I do. I do make plans in my head before I even call the people. It's that whole mentality of the world revolves around me thing. It's hard to get over!

  3. #103
    To the top of the world arcticangel02's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by quietgirl View Post
    My question is.... What exactly are you looking for in a response from someone you like? The thing I see troubling my best friend the most is that she has such high standards for this response that she writes off people WAY too soon because she assumes they are not interested. Then afterwards, her self esteem gets crushed & I'm left saying, "but he WAS interested in you! You gave him signals that YOU weren't interested!". Another thing she does when she is interested in someone is find something to criticize & turn her off about them - thus preventing getting attached.
    YES. This is a problem I have, too.

    I know where I get it from - I've had people mistake me for liking someone when all I was doing was having a simple conversation with them. So the situation gets uncomfortable for me, because then I can be faced with the rather horrible task of turning someone down.

    Thus, I often find myself feeling uncomfortable and skittering away from a person if I feel that they've got an interest in me (imagined or otherwise). Even though I might sort of like the person involved. I guess I feel like by acting my normal self around them, I'm inviting something way too personal way too soon. Which I know is probably not the case, but STILL.

    I'm very bad at finding a middle road. I'm either my usual warm self, or when I get uncomfortable, quite cold/disinterested. (This only happens in the aforementioned situation, or if I'm really bugged by someone who won't leave me alone.)

    Crushes undergo what you mentioned - I'll be briefly very interested, then I'll notice something, anything that is not perfect, and that's it. I'm not interested anymore. On occasion I have re-warmed to someone who persisted, but my first (and rather strong) instinct seems to be to notice something wrong and reject them. Which is bad, considering that nobody's perfect.

    And I'm also remembering that I really am paranoid. I'm not, usually, but last night I swapped numbers with a guy, and we made nonspecific plans for coffee in two days time. It's now like 7pm the next day and I'm getting worried because he hasn't messaged me yet today. Maybe he forgot? Or was too drunk to remember? Or changed his mind? I could message him, but I wouldn't want to sound desperate. Or paranoid. Y'know. *twitch*

    STOP, brain. PLEASE!
    ANFP:
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  4. #104
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    Quote Originally Posted by quietgirl View Post
    I also notice that I tend to keep in touch with people better than her, while she expects to just pick up where she left off with people & everything always be the same with them. I've seen her hurt on a few occasions when other people do not respond to her when she suddenly reappears in their life after a long absence.

    Ouch, this one hits home because I also feel like distance is nothing and time is so relative. I keep friends in my heart and think of them often and quite often can pick up right where we left off even after years and years away. The only times I've found things do NOT pick up is if the relationship was not that close to begin with, i.e. acquintances or casual friends. Or it is a time vs. distance thing and said friends after inviting me out for a year have moved on and found a whole new social life to replace me. Which is fine... After getting used to it. Change just means things take a while to fall into place.

    Another friend (unknown type) asked me if moving around made me miss my friends in those cities dearly. Honestly for me? No. If anything it makes me happy to know that I will have friends in different places and we can visit each other in different time zones and experience new things together.

    This friend then countered, 'Yeah, but do you even HAVE close relationships with people? HAHHAHAH. Maybe she's INTP, I dunno.
    And I thought about it -- and yes I do. I think...

    Dammit...

  5. #105
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    And I'm also remembering that I really am paranoid. I'm not, usually, but last night I swapped numbers with a guy, and we made nonspecific plans for coffee in two days time. It's now like 7pm the next day and I'm getting worried because he hasn't messaged me yet today. Maybe he forgot? Or was too drunk to remember? Or changed his mind? I could message him, but I wouldn't want to sound desperate. Or paranoid. Y'know. *twitch*

    STOP, brain. PLEASE!
    Good luck! I think this paranoia crosses genders though when it comes to dating. If it helps, men seem to be on a slower clock than women.

    Generally, I think our ENFP intuition is pretty good at gauging someone's interest in us. If we can even register that they are interested. Hahhaha. Especially if we have been dating and out and about in the world for a while. So basically, if we 'know' what someone's interest level in us is, we're usually pretty accurate.

    So if you thought this guy was pretty into you, he probably was. So you can relax.

    And if he never calls, chalk it up to life and give out 3 numbers next time to cover your bases.

  6. #106
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    Quote Originally Posted by arcticangel02 View Post
    YES. This is a problem I have, too.

    I know where I get it from - I've had people mistake me for liking someone when all I was doing was having a simple conversation with them. So the situation gets uncomfortable for me, because then I can be faced with the rather horrible task of turning someone down.

    Thus, I often find myself feeling uncomfortable and skittering away from a person if I feel that they've got an interest in me (imagined or otherwise). Even though I might sort of like the person involved. I guess I feel like by acting my normal self around them, I'm inviting something way too personal way too soon. Which I know is probably not the case, but STILL.

    I'm very bad at finding a middle road. I'm either my usual warm self, or when I get uncomfortable, quite cold/disinterested. (This only happens in the aforementioned situation, or if I'm really bugged by someone who won't leave me alone.)

    Crushes undergo what you mentioned - I'll be briefly very interested, then I'll notice something, anything that is not perfect, and that's it. I'm not interested anymore. On occasion I have re-warmed to someone who persisted, but my first (and rather strong) instinct seems to be to notice something wrong and reject them. Which is bad, considering that nobody's perfect.

    And I'm also remembering that I really am paranoid. I'm not, usually, but last night I swapped numbers with a guy, and we made nonspecific plans for coffee in two days time. It's now like 7pm the next day and I'm getting worried because he hasn't messaged me yet today. Maybe he forgot? Or was too drunk to remember? Or changed his mind? I could message him, but I wouldn't want to sound desperate. Or paranoid. Y'know. *twitch*

    STOP, brain. PLEASE!
    Yea, that sounds like her to a T. My next question - Do you secretly want a long term relationship or do you want to continue to play the field? I get the feeling that deep down, my best friend wants a long term relationship & to be honest, she acts sort of jealous when her friends start one & goes into "why not me?" self pity mode. I try to give her advice when she asks on how I always end up in them, but I want to give her the right advice & I always feel like I'm looking at it from a serial monogamist (me) point of view.

  7. #107
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post

    Another friend (unknown type) asked me if moving around made me miss my friends in those cities dearly. Honestly for me? No. If anything it makes me happy to know that I will have friends in different places and we can visit each other in different time zones and experience new things together.
    I asked my best friend the same exact question and got pretty much the same exact answer. It differs for me because I feel like in order to maintain a friendship, both people need to put in the effort. I miss those not near me dearly and continue to talk to them on a fairly regular basis. We seem to be polar opposites in this way.

  8. #108
    Senior Member wedekit's Avatar
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    My best friend is an ENFP. No initiative. Wait's last minute to do things, and if she works up enough nerve she wont even do it at all. She can't stand being alone. Too trusting of people which eventually leads to them walking all over her. She easily dishes out criticism but can't take it back. Takes everything personally. I doubt she could walk out on a bad relationship.

    We are in harmony with each other, and I serve as her bodyguard I suppose. I can read people like a book, so I warn her about people she should be careful around. I make her think about the consequences of her choices when she's on the verge of making a bad decision. She in turn is always up for fun/making things fun, which is always nice. BFF.
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  9. #109
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    Quote Originally Posted by wedekit View Post
    My best friend is an ENFP. No initiative. Wait's last minute to do things, and if she works up enough nerve she wont even do it at all. She can't stand being alone. Too trusting of people which eventually leads to them walking all over her. Takes everything personally.

    Another INFJ-ENFP best friendship, ha. Mine's the same way, but you should hear her gripes about me... "too bossy, too demanding, too direct in my speech that it hurts her feelings occasionally, too MUCH initiative, too rigid about plans - i don't leave an option for the unexpected, overextend myself too much, gets too involved in relationships, always in a relationship..."

  10. #110
    To the top of the world arcticangel02's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by quietgirl View Post
    Yea, that sounds like her to a T. My next question - Do you secretly want a long term relationship or do you want to continue to play the field? I get the feeling that deep down, my best friend wants a long term relationship & to be honest, she acts sort of jealous when her friends start one & goes into "why not me?" self pity mode. I try to give her advice when she asks on how I always end up in them, but I want to give her the right advice & I always feel like I'm looking at it from a serial monogamist (me) point of view.
    Secretly, yes, I do want a long-term relationship. I would probably not admit this to any of my RL friends. I tell them I don't really care - if someone comes along, great! If not, then no worries. Which is kind of true, too.

    This probably is made worse by the fact that apart from me and my best friend, all of our friendship group are in fairly settled relationships, and have been for a while. And my best friend was in a relationship, but it ended. I, on the other hand, have somehow managed to remain single for, uh, a while.

    (And yes, I can definitely sympathise with your friend!)
    ANFP:
    Extraversion (52%) ---- Introversion (48%)
    Sensing (26%) ---- iNtuition (74%)
    Thinking (16%) ---- Feeling (84%)
    Judging (5%) ---- Perceiving (95%)

    9w1 so/sx/sp

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