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  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by speculative View Post
    For me, it would hurt more if they acted out of character. For example, if they normally exploded at me when I messed up, but in this instance they didn't even bother to raise their voice, then I would feel the situation was more serious and it would hurt more.
    Yeah, that is a good point too. If the person is really upset and I know that, but controls themselves, that would be worse then someone exploding for a dumb reason.

  2. #32
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    Passive-aggressive behavior REALLY bugs me, but there's nothing I hate more than being ignored. That hurts me more than anything.

    Of course I don't like being verbally abused or anything, but I'll take an authentic expression of anger, even an outburst of rage, over silence.

  3. #33
    Queen hunter Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    Yes, I am very introverted.
    That should explain you case.

  4. #34
    Senior Member Nonsensical's Avatar
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    Exploding seems to be more of a spur of the moment explosions of anger, and passive aggressiveness seems to be something that lasts over time. I mean, it's obvious that she's mad when she explodes, but when she holds it in for a while and you can just tell she's mad, it's probably one of the worst feelings. I can take being screamed at...it tears me to pieces when she holds it in.

    It seems like it would be easier to talk to her a bit after her outburst, and that it may have just been that she got carried away, but it would be so much worse if she held it in to simmer and grew hostile.
    Is it that by its indefiniteness it shadows forth the heartless voids and immensities of the universe, and thus stabs us from behind with the thought of annihilation, when beholding the white depths of the milky way?

  5. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    Passive-aggressive behavior REALLY bugs me, but there's nothing I hate more than being ignored. That hurts me more than anything.

    Of course I don't like being verbally abused or anything, but I'll take an authentic expression of anger, even an outburst of rage, over silence.

    You know what though, passive aggressive is better than actual aggressive because it waits to counter. Aggressive is just aggressive for no reasons sometimes. If someone is passive aggressive at least I know that I must have done something first. That said, someone who is just being passive aggressive out of nowhere can be really annoying I am sure, but I haven't encountered this.

  6. #36
    Patron Saint Of Smileys Gloriana's Avatar
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    Passive-aggressive tends to bother me more, both when others do it and when I see myself doing it. I come from a family that implements passive-aggressive behavior in lieu of any kind of conflict. Hence, there is just decades of bad blood still boiling within my family members. Barely anyone in my small family talks to one another and it killed bonds, so I am not a fan of passive-aggression at all.

    For me, DIRECT conflict feels healthier. I have had the healthiest relationships with those who can tackle conflict head on, whether it's yelling about feeling hurt/angry or the ability to sit down and say "Look, we need to talk about this". Conflicts can make me feel ill, but it's so temporary. If we have it out and get to the bottom of it, it's like it just drifts away and is forgotten. So the temporary discomfort of a conflict is worth it for the overall outcome of understanding, forgiveness, etc.

    The passive-aggressive stuff just seems to create this atmosphere of bad blood and resentment that can so easily fester and build. The avoidance of discomfort with conflict isn't worth the destructiveness of not being up front and honest to me. I think anger and resentment get so skewed and get so much worse when held in, and I speak from having done that myself all too many times.

    To me, as long as someone doesn't scream their lights out at the drop of hat, get violent or make a habit of being gratuitously abusive with words, I think a little yelling here and there and just direct conflict in general works better in the end.
    "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard, and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you...amazing things will happen" --Conan O'Brien

  7. #37
    Senior Member Liminality's Avatar
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    I'd say both, but in different ways.

    I'm pretty (Understatement) conflict avoidant, so an explosion just makes me exceedingly guilty and or defensive, the defensiveness coming from feeling guilty, from not wanting to face that - leads to me being incredibly stubborn sometimes, I HATE saying sorry. Underneath, though, there'll always be an undertone of guilt and fear of the other person abandoning me because I'm 'bad' and unworthy.

    Essentially you hurt me, and I want to hurt you back (Very rare if non existant), or you hurt me and I'll do anything to make things better.

    With passive agression I'm not all that good at trusting my intuition, so if someone is, it can just get mistaken/denied and swept under the rug, and quietly nag at my subconscious for the longest time.

    Saying that, I've got a friend who was exceedinly repressive of their anger, and when it did come out, outbursts were less scary than when they got slightly annoyed. With outbursts you can detach, it's all out there, they're out of control, - though this is with that sort of outburst.

    When they got annoyed, just annoyed, even if it was at someone I was annoyed with too it was...inexplicably terrifying...like...rawr, electricity and fire and ice under their skin and behind their eyes; knife sharp. Like a dormant beast, not a screaming child.

    Essentially when there's still that containment, that power over how they might react, how they might not let it all out and punish me or the other person over time, it can be very scary. Though I guess this can depend on both the angry person and reciever.
    Come along Fool
    A direct hit of the senses you are disconnected
    It's not that it's bad, it's not that it's death
    It's just on the tip of your tongue, and you're so silent

  8. #38
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Antisocial one View Post
    Does is hurt more if your loved one just explodes in your presence or when they just become hostile without even raising their voice ?
    I find emotional responses during conflict disorienting. I don't have much anger, but what I do have I tend to internalize and have trouble feeling it. I hold myself responsible for things, so if it was my failing I would feel badly and find a way to correct it. If their negativity was reasonable it wouldn't bother me nearly as much as if it were irrational. If it really was my fault, and I had the capacity to fix it, then I can deal with it. I sometimes try to gain some insight from unfair responses and use it as some way to make progress, but sometimes there isn't much useful to gain. If their response is unfair or seemingly random, then I can get anxious about how to fix the problem. If I ran over someone in my car or something, I'm not entirely sure where to put something like that in my head. It would probably damage my self-esteem, and I would have a hard time driving again. I don't think the style of expression is significant to me. I look to the core of the conflict and whether or not it can be solved.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
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    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
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  9. #39
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Indifference or not getting a chance to talk about it is probably the hardest for me to accept. I don't like being the object of someone's anger, but I'd probably rather them express it directly so that we could talk about it. If it were expressed passive-aggressively I'd probably bring it up and call it what it is and ask what the real problem was. However it seems kind of roundabout and the object of your anger might not be sure what the anger is about exactly (how they messed up might not be as obvious to them as it is to you).

    Truthfully, I'd rather someone let me know when I am beginning to upset them rather than after the fact, but I realize that can't always happen. However, some kind of resolution needs to be found or it eats me alive. About the meanest thing you could do (at least to an INFJ) is withhold the opportunity to talk it out and try to make the situation better. I hate being on the hook emotionally with no way to redeem myself and I think it does lasting damage to the relationship.

  10. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by Goatman455 View Post
    You know what though, passive aggressive is better than actual aggressive because it waits to counter. Aggressive is just aggressive for no reasons sometimes. If someone is passive aggressive at least I know that I must have done something first. That said, someone who is just being passive aggressive out of nowhere can be really annoying I am sure, but I haven't encountered this.
    I prefer confrontation, unless it's habitual.

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