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  1. #1
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    Default ENFPs, can I save this relationship?

    Hi all, this is my first post. I've recently gotten really into MBTI, mostly because all of a sudden this confusing guy I was seeing started to make sense. He's a total ENFP, I'm definitely INFJ. I can suddenly understand our why our chemistry is so intense. We can sit for long periods of time just gazing into the other's eyes and it's almost like we talk that way. It's so awesome and strange.

    But now I'm unsure where we stand. Please know up front that I think I will try talking to him about my feelings, but I'd still like your insight. I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible - I could go on forever with details.

    So: we are not a couple, but I've known him for almost 9 months. We met right as he was coming out of a long relationship where he had his heart broken (I was unaware of this until our 3rd or 4th date). Not wanting to be his rebound, we talked alot, saw one another every few weeks, and we made out all the time (and it was so good!) but didn't take it any further physically or toward a formal relationship. I think his ex was an introvert, but I don't know what type.

    He'd been away for the summer, and had always told me he anticipated being ready for a relationship after he returned. Now he's back, and he asked me to meet up. We had lost touch for July and August. This was purposeful on my part - his behavior and the things he was saying seemed to me like he wanted to get a reaction out of me (which never worked), but my feelings were getting trampled on in the process. Things like “I need to move here immediately. I’m never coming back” or “Maybe I’ll get married this summer.” Sometimes I wonder if I bear the brunt of any negativity he still feels toward his ex. I felt it was easier to withdraw than to talk to him. Also, we only were really only talking online while he was gone and it didn't seem like an appropriate online conversation.

    All along, I've had trouble voicing my feelings. Heck, I have trouble telling him about myself. He's found this frustrating at times, but I'm pretty sure it also keeps him intrigued. I've had trouble understanding him and his verbal whirlwinds. It's as if he says one thing and says the opposite in the very next sentence. I can't keep up, but I've always felt that we have mutual feelings for one another.

    So when we saw each other after he returned to town, he was so hyper and happy. I could tell that he missed me and he said he felt so much better (healed from the breakup with his ex) and that it was possibly the best summer of his life. He tried to put the moves on me, and with my still being confused about our communications during the summer, I was evasive and said "I don't know what I want anymore". Big mistake. I should have at least explained myself. I understood after the fact that he took this as personal rejection, which wasn't my intention. You would think that hearing him say "Okay, I won't put the moves on you anymore, but it's going to be tough because I lust after you. I'm glad we remained friends through this." might tip me off, but it took a while for me to process.

    I knew that I was losing him; I could feel him shutting me out. I ran into him on the street and he could barely make eye contact with me. I feel awful about it. I don't want him to feel rejected. I like him, though I don’t always like the things he does. Why couldn’t I just tell him??

    We saw each other again and I lost my nerve to talk to him (instead we bantered and made out). We left and agreed to be friends... which usually lasts until the next time we make out.

    In true John Cusack movie fashion, I decided the solution might be in the form of a mix CD. I'm obsessed with music, which he knows. He's mentioned in the past that he'd like a mix from me. I put together an awesome mix full of "hey, I like you and think you're special, let's not pass this up" and "this is why I am how I am" songs, while trying to avoid the "Oh my god I love you" songs. I sent it via interoffice mail. I have no clue if he received it yet and I'm too scared to ask. I really only want to talk about it in person.

    Here's the real problem - there may be a new girl on the scene. She's ENTJ. I don't know their history, but he met up with her for a day in the summer when he was near her city. She's recently moved to our area since her family is here. I've noticed conversations between them on facebook, and I'm getting very concerned that he's moved on to her, just like that. If he has, it's been very recent... in the past week maybe.

    He always has female friends. I understand that he's a big flirt, but also have felt secure in that he treated me differently. This feels different; like more may be going on.

    Can an ENFP just up and move on so quickly? If so, is it likely to be real, since he's had feelings for me until so recently? Is it possible he's trying to get back at me by making me jealous and still retains his feelings for me?

    I feel all emotionally exposed due to the mix cd, so this timing is becoming really painful for me. I feel it's been a huge misunderstanding, but I don't know if it's too late to fix it.

    ENFPs - what can I do to make it better? Should I try to talk to him, or should I let the cd speak for itself? I'll be so sad if this doesn't go anywhere; it feels so special and precious to me. I've always felt I've had time to try to fix this, but now with the other girl possibly on the scene, I feel like I need to do something quickly.

    Thanks for reading.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    If he moved on so easily (assuming he did) then he's not worthy of your time.

    I would suggest being a little more frontal though to know for sure. What do you have to lose? If he really cares for you it won't make any difference.

  3. #3
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    Talk to him; do not let the cd speak for itself. I usually have to listen to a song several times before I start processing the lyrics.

    Regardless of what is happening with the ENTJ, I think it likely he still has feelings for you. He may have figured a lot out over the summer and is probably both ready to move in new directions and continue further in some old ones.

  4. #4
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    Update - I am almost certain that he's avoiding me and throwing himself at the new girl, so I think I have to let him go. He must have the cd by now, but hasn't said a peep.

    I'm now starting to understand that this other girl was his back-up plan, reserved for if things didn't work out with me. I don't think he's healed from his break-up (they were together for 7 years and broke up in December), and I think that he may very well still be at risk for rebounding. He just wants a girlfriend and has declared himself ready. I guess I'm glad it's not me, but I miss him.

    Part of me hopes that he won't be able to get me out of his head. I think he loved my INFJ mystery. I had a hard time opening up to him, but we communicated quite well in non-verbal ways.

    But now to search for someone else that can be even fractionally as intriguing as I found him. Thanks for your replies.

  5. #5
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    the enfp guy is probably in a lot more pain from the 7 yr relationship breakup than he lets on & he is probably in inner turmoil / a type of panic / anxiety mode & that's why he may be going for the entj . . . if that is what is even happening. i can't believe he did not respond to the mix cd you gave to him . . . that really sucks! . . . anyways if he is "picking" the entj over you i can tell you that he is most likely picking her because his panic / anxiety from being single after 7 years is a fierce monster & he will pick the person that comes on stronger (for now) regardless of how he feels about you. this is just my personal opinion . . . but i actually went through a similar thing as him & picked the person that was more aggressive / "into" me . . . ie. fed my ego more w/ compliments / flattery etc. because i was so "messed up" at the time. he may be really confused & if the ENTJ is aggressive & saying she wants to be with him all the time than that is where he will go for now . . . as he may not be very emotionally stable right now & just needs distraction from his pain . . . but being an ENFP myself . . . i personally would give anything to be with an INFJ . . . that's one of my little dreams . . .

  6. #6
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    oh yes . . . and "the lovecats" . . .

    HE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GET YOU OUT OF HIS HEAD . . . guaranteed . . . but you still need to live your life & make yourself happy & not worry about his poor choice . . . because his ENTJ relationship most likely will fail due to where he is in his healing so you are better off without him anyways . . . go find yourself another ENFP- any ENFP boy will adore you!

  7. #7
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    Thanks revolve. I had suspected that scenario, but it's really nice to hear it from someone who knows how he thinks.

    He actually got the CD yesterday and texted me a thank you last night. I wrote back, explaining why I had sent it (I care, and because I never tell him ... that I think he's super cool and that he should have something tangible to remind him of that). He said it was really sweet and that he "liked it. All of it".

    So, that's that. I've done my part to let him know that I care and I will now let him go. I think he hasn't come to terms with his feelings about me or he still needs to get something out of his system. If he wants to pursue things with me, he knows how to reach me. But right now, he's not in the frame of mind to give me what I want and what I think he wants too.

    The CD was awesome, if I do say so myself. So I know he'll continue to listen to it and think of me

    In the meantime, I'm going to date and hope I can find another ENFP! I love them. Much like your INFJ search, I have no idea where to find them.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Wild horses's Avatar
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    This guy really doesn't deserve this much of your time... You sound really sweet and considerate and this guy is trampling on your emotions to get a rise out of you and also to feel better about himself which is very selfsih and immature! Why let him worry you to this extent. You have done all you can now the ball is in his court. He has a fair idea how you feel... the only reason why he wouldn't (usually the case with ENFPs) Is due to insecurity but again you can't bare the brunt of this kind of treatment, it's just not fair on you. Find yourself someone who values your wonderfulness which seems to be in abundance
    ... couldn't drag me away

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  9. #9
    Allergic to Mornings ergophobe's Avatar
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    Hey Lovecats,

    I've been pondering over your question. I only speak for myself and not for any other ENFPs but here's what I suggest:

    1. I'm very clueless in romantic situations. I pretty much need the person to come straight out and say they're interested in no uncertain terms. I wish I could recount the number of times I have completely missed what onlookers observed as clear interest and I was completely oblivious. This includes offers of traveling across the country to come and visit which I understood as 'plain friendliness' . When the interest is expressed in a straightforward fashion, I respond honestly and openly. Based on my own experience, I do not lean towards subtlety in my own expressions of interest. If it's there, the person will know.

    2. If I had someone I was interested in and had expressed clear interest in first tell me they weren't sure and then tell me they cared, I would assume the caring was platonic and appreciate the concern but not assume it was a romantic gesture. It sounds like a friend more than someone who has romantic interest.

    3. I would just have a direct conversation with the guy. At least you'll know. It's better to just have that honest conversation - just tell him you were confused by your interaction with him over the summer but you are interested in exploring more. If he feels similarly and is able to respond, he will.

    4. Having said all of the above, given that this guy hasn't been out of a relationship long, I'd personally be wary of investing in him.

    Good luck! Matters of the heart are ever so complicated and quite painful. I hope things work out.

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