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  1. #1
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Default More ENFJ/INFP b-day drama

    This issue reminded me just a bit of fellow INFP Black Cat's past posting about his ENFJ mom's b-day...hence the title.

    So I forgot my ENFJ friend's b-day by ONE DAY. Keep in mind, he lives in a totally different time zone, we never see each other in person anymore, we talk only sporadically nowadays & it's usually pretty brief & impersonal. We were closer a few years ago, and when I'd acknowledge his b-day then by ecard, he'd take his sweet time opening it (not very concerned when/if it came). So I didn't regard my b-day messages as highly valued or very important to him. Lately, I've felt I am on the back burner as far as friends go. That and I've realized he uses the same lines/approach on everyone, and so now it rings hollow.

    This year, I had a family crisis over the weekend, I'm out of a job, and generally very depressed, and it just slipped my mind. I only remembered when a social networking site notified me.

    So I send the expected e-card a day late and make a joke about forgetting the exact date, and he replies in this really annoyed, scolding manner, like "you should feel really bad, and don't expect anything from me on your b-day". Now, maybe he was joking, because he does that, but when I made light of this reaction, he then made it a point to say he always remembers everything I tell him about me (which is not true). He made several jabs towards me about other things, and then got all weird and sappy, saying he feels he knows me so well, and tried to get me to say he is my "favorite friend" (What does that even mean? He knows he is NOT my best friend, and he's never called me his "favorite friend". He has many, many female friends he flirts with like mad, and has never made any sincere indication that I am more special, so why does he need to be most special to me? /mini rant). So I teased him back & got rather rude. Sometimes it seems like his head is so inflated and if you don't keep pumping the helium in, he flies around all erratic like a deflating balloon. I admit I took some pleasure in popping a pin in his head, then inevitably felt bad. However, I have been very "deflated" as of late, and he expresses no concern towards me.

    On occasions when my grandma was very ill, my cat almost died, and other crap happened to me, he had little in the way of comfort to give when other friends heard me out and didn't just feed me dismissive "things will get better" lines, as he did. However, god forbid a holiday or birthday is overlooked!

    I just don't know what his deal is. How can you mostly ignore someone, but then get mad when they don't make over your stupid b-day? Not to mention, this is a grown man, not a 12 year old. Plus, my e-card was quite charming, with line after line of cuteness added by me, and it was totally pegged as a failure simply because it wasn't on time. That really bugs me also....

    I'm just tired of trying to figure out where I stand with this guy and what's expected of me in our friendship. Are we good friends or not? How come it's okay for him to ignore me, but not for me to forget him? Why is it so important that I regard him as special, but he won't return the sentiment (or tosses it out to every other friend like candy)? Why does it seem like he is always jumping from new friend to new friend, focusing on the new and forgetting old ties, but expecting old ties to be there for him?

    Is this just a really insecure person who needs everyone to love him and give him fanfare, but who is unwilling to actually put himself out there for a genuine friendship?

    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  2. #2
    Glycerine
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    I'm sorry... sounds like a huge guilt trip to me, . From my own eNFJ standpoint, I don't think you did anything wrong. It seems like an overreaction on his part. NFJs sometimes read WAY too much into things. He might have thought your lightheartedness about the card meant that his birthday (in extension, him) was not important to you. I know that probably sounds stupid but yeah. Even though he REALLY overreacted, maybe you can explain to him why it was late?

  3. #3
    I drink your milkshake. Thessaly's Avatar
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    I wish I had an ENFJ that would freak out on me for not remembering them, if only I could forget them! gah!

  4. #4
    Senior Member Scott N Denver's Avatar
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    I know an ENFJ whose birthday is kinda close to mine, but comes after mine. I told them happy birthday ahead of time, ahead of both of ours, but they still forgot about mine...

  5. #5
    Member dani_elle's Avatar
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    I know an ENFJ who greets everyone I know Happy birthday on the actual day itself, like clockwork She would also give out random things like sweets and cards or small gifts (which personally I find rather ridiculous plus sometimes she gets really weird gifts that don't suit the receivers... oh well she tries. I mean, I wouldn't get something if I didn't know the person well or if I found it meaningless.)

    I have no idea if this means that the timing is really important to them or something, but I can see what you mean with ENFJs treating everyone the same. Nonetheless, this kinda behaviour makes them rather popular and loved so maybe, just maybe, your kind of perceived nonchalance rubbed this guy he wrong way. I kinda noticed that I'm not really on the receiving end of this particular ENFJ as well because I didn't really "respond". Though sometimes, if I happen to be around when she gives out stuff she will be all like: OH so sorry! I forgot! Lol.

    In other words I don't think its you, its him. :P
    I am an ENFP but I value justice over mercy.

  6. #6
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pitseleh View Post
    Even though he REALLY overreacted, maybe you can explain to him why it was late?
    IDK....it seems glossed over now. I don't know if it's necessary or possible to re-open. It's hard to ever know what he really feels because he's good at casually brushing things off and sticking to shallow topics. I know he will write off his reaction as a joke, and try and turn the overreacting onto me. This is why I never know where I stand with him.

    When I see him interacting with others, I realize that it is just his way to be very mushy gushy, and that I overestimated our friendship (and I am guilty in life of over-fantasizing and building things up larger than they really are), but then he goes and gets sensitive over something little... It's hard to know where the teasing ends and real feeling begins.


    Quote Originally Posted by dani_elle View Post
    I have no idea if this means that the timing is really important to them or something, but I can see what you mean with ENFJs treating everyone the same. Nonetheless, this kinda behaviour makes them rather popular and loved so maybe, just maybe, your kind of perceived nonchalance rubbed this guy he wrong way.

    In other words I don't think its you, its him. :P
    Well thanks

    It did rub him the wrong way. And then I go and discover another female friend forgot also (don't ask how I know ), and I figure it's a combination of many friends forgetting who caused this reaction. However, he was really nice to her about it, even kidding that being late made her effort stand out more. I don't know why he got annoyed with me then....
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  7. #7
    Member dani_elle's Avatar
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    Maybe he expected YOU to remember because you always have?
    I am an ENFP but I value justice over mercy.

  8. #8
    I drink your milkshake. Thessaly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    IDK....it seems glossed over now. I don't know if it's necessary or possible to re-open. It's hard to ever know what he really feels because he's good at casually brushing things off and sticking to shallow topics. I know he will write off his reaction as a joke, and try and turn the overreacting onto me. This is why I never know where I stand with him.

    You are preaching to the choir. ENFJs are an enigmatic wonder to me for this reason.

  9. #9
    Listening Oaky's Avatar
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    ENFJs (aswell as ESFJs) are the least logical of all types. They can turn pretty much anything positive or neutral into negative. What I'd suggest, to put the relationship back in order, is to show him you care about him using a lot of the Fe function. I'd suggest not to confront him. Confronting him is a risk. Depending on how you do it, you'd scar him or fix everything.

  10. #10
    Glycerine
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    IDK....it seems glossed over now. I don't know if it's necessary or possible to re-open. It's hard to ever know what he really feels because he's good at casually brushing things off and sticking to shallow topics. I know he will write off his reaction as a joke, and try and turn the overreacting onto me. This is why I never know where I stand with him.

    When I see him interacting with others, I realize that it is just his way to be very mushy gushy, and that I overestimated our friendship (and I am guilty in life of over-fantasizing and building things up larger than they really are), but then he goes and gets sensitive over something little... It's hard to know where the teasing ends and real feeling begins.
    Well then, I think its his problem. That would be the lovely selfish version of Fe dom. haha, I used to get REALLY mad/upset when people forgot my birthday but that was when I was like 14... not an adult.

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