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  1. #1
    Senior Member Uytuun's Avatar
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    Default INTJ Needs Help with Fi

    So, I've been developing Fi for some years now and I feel that it is tearing me apart increasingly. It's been good in that I've become a nicer and much less one-dimensional person, but it's also added torment, anxiety, doubt (I used to be so certain, a go-getter...want x do y, simple as that), some self-confidence seems to have gone, lots of ambition went down the drain...previous plans became hollow and meaningless. Most of the time I don't know what drives me, I end up procrastinating and not knowing how to control myself or if I should control myself...I feel like I'm the victim of something inside of me that is essential, yet beyond my grasp.

    I'm much more like an INTP in behaviour (you know how they can seem tormented and paralysed by the introverted judging process of their preference and how they can stop doing what they "have to do" and give priority to what they "want" to explore) than an INTJ these days although the Te is clearly still there, it seems to be overwhelmed. Possibly I'm even more like an INFP in behaviour, but I don't have as much experience with/exposure to them.

    I feel unfixed, unsure, blubbering all over the place and lost as to who I am...I'm also more irrational, more easily angered (I used to be way less angry) and disappointed because something isn't in line with my values (which can seem very idiosyncratic). It's very confusing, sometimes it's like noone understands me or the relevance of what I posit. And I wonder what that makes of me...am I not good enough? Is this a way of trying to explain away my recent worldly failings? Or are the failings a result of my not caring about Te stuff anymore the way I used to? I did not have this problem two years ago let's say.

    I strongly feel like I'm letting myself go too much and need to pull myself together, but I think this can only be achieved by listening to Fi, not by imposing Te onto it. I've tried it, it doesn't work longer than a day or two.

    So (Fi-doms) how do you listen to your Fi? How do you steer it? How do you integrate it?

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I'm planning on taking ballet classes once I've found a job/apartment. It just really appealed to me/touched me when I saw a video of a dancer and I've been researching and I'm enthusiastic about it - it's been a while since that happened.

    I suppose that I should also try to find a job with a company that I really want to work for, or whose general project I endorse. I think that'll be important. Being part of something that enthuses me (like NASA ).

  2. #2
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Welcome to the wonderful world of Fi. It's hell on earth at first

    Fi is about who you are. And, it's incredibly hard to control at first. Dosing is imperative, however is almost impossible when you first start using it. It's like when you first started to figure out how to colour within the lines...soo hard to control your hand to do so!

    Unfortunately, where with drawing you'd only wreck the drawing by colouring outside the lines, with Fi you do a whole lot more damage...as you may have noticed.

    So..set some time aside for yourself. Believe that this is useful, that you owe this to yourself. Self-reflect, meditate, find what it is that brings meaning to your life. What your motivations are. Ask yourself all those difficult questions: who are you, what do you wanna do with your life, how will you go about this, how do different situations affect you and how do you want to respond.

    Once you figure out the answers, you're half-way. Yes..only half-way. Knowing your Fi isn't the same as controlling it. After that, you learn how to implement it. And there, you're luckily better equipped than NFPs: you have Te to channel it through. Let Fi motivate your decisions and use your superior Te to find out how to get it. To make it run smoothly, instead of going about it bluntly. Coz make no mistake, Fi is instant, blunt and has no patience whatsoever. So learn to curb the reflex to react on it instantly, double-check what it is telling you (this is where a thorough knowledge of your needs, wishes, weak sides and values willl come in handy) and then have Te judge how to best go about it...EVEN if this means biding your time. ESPECIALLY if this means biding your time.

    Fi is opening flood gates. It seems to be meant to kept closed or open fully. That's rarely the case though. Learning how to open and close them swiftly and controlled, and only a little bit when needed is a pain in the ass. But it is soooo worth it. And it will enrich and deepen your emotional experiences in this life tremendously as well as add an incredibly depth and meaning to your life.

    And hopefully..you have/will find one or two rare individuals who will enjoy you fully pulling those flood gates open and basking in the person that is you, allowing your Fi to stretch its legs without any restriction whatsoever. Let the wild horse run free at times. It so longs for it. Just make sure it cannot break anything in the process
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  3. #3
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    I'll comment more later, but my Fi is more about ideals and the kind of person I want to grow into or what things I want to take a stand on, rather than inducing any negative things like anxiety, etc. Though sometimes I take a stand on things that I should just Te over and shrug my shoulders to, it's a balancing act trying to prioritize functions.
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

  4. #4
    Junior Member Agnosco311's Avatar
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    This is pretty unrelated to the conversation but I've been a fan of the MBTI and David Keirsey's Temperament Sorter for awhile but I'm relatively new to the Socionics ideas of the the Te and Fi... can somebody recommend a good thread to read/website or could take a few minutes to lay down a "...for Dummies" summary?

  5. #5
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    my intj has similar issues currently. her med school situation is giving her a beating by not catering to her needs or recognizing her strengths in any positive way.

    to me it is kind of like a wake-up call (perhaps a call of conscience). you have to use Te to incorporate the Fi uncertainty, to use it in a way that addresses your lack of motivation and most of all focus. giving yourself time to work out your issues is very important, but it's difficult to access the problems directly. the tertiary function is supposedly an unconscious function, part of what integrates your right-brainedness and gives you a more expansive connection to the world, apart from the immediate hyper-focused context-driven Ni world that feels like home.

    for me i feel lost often, Fe is what gives me context to navigate my way thru the world (like your Te). but for me, it fails more often bc it is more environmental and more relational and more contingent on success with others rather than specific objective definable goals. if the environment turns dark, so do i. for me to combat this, i've learned accepting the problem (that Fe or Te can't adequately solve this dilemma and single-handedly balance my introverted Ni desires, attitudes, perceptions, etc), continue working at it, but incorporate more basic Ti or Fi landmarks into my picture until i have something solid to go on. something that says, i may not fully understand this or be able to create a perfect solution, but at least i know what i fucking care about, what is important to ME, what i need from life and from myself as i continue on my path.

    i find something really cathartic like bikram yoga, or getting high and writing it out to be the most beneficial. i feel more on-track, more confident that i can do what i need to do to be happy, more accepting of the world around me and my ability to find my way within it, etc. it is difficult bc it is so murky down there in teh world of inroverted judgment (Ti or Fi for us injs), and it doesn't really help us to dive FULL ON into it and avoid the platform that has made us who we are. we need to incorporate it more slowly, focus on finding something solid that we can trust, and moving on from there. tempering it like an eggy custard. bc we are not practiced nor aware enough in these foreign domains to be able to handle life/the world/the self with JUST Ti or JUST Fi alone. and we shouldn't have to, just spend more time hearing it, listening to it, weighing it with your other tools still standing by, and it seems like it works better than any other way.

    i would like to hear more, bc i have been struggling finding a way to be supportive thru this process. what is your enneagram type, if i might ask?

  6. #6
    Senior Member SciVo's Avatar
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    Fi is a tiger. You can't just force it to do what you want it to (as you found). However! You also can't use Fi to manage its own volatility and idiosyncrasy, since those are part of its essence. The key to the conundrum is to shift your goal to being a "tiger whisperer," working with it to make it want to do what you want it to do.

    As I see it, tiger-whispering your Fi has two parts: finding how to use your powerful feelings to make your experience of yourself (and your social interactions) better rather than worse, and finding how to use your need for personal meaning to make your experience of the world (and your life path) richer rather than poorer. Here are some possible ways for you to use your INTj Ti/Ne as a "tiger team" (pun intended) to manage your Fi more productively.

    For the first problem, I suggest slightly intellectualizing your feelings by explicitly satisfying their purpose, which is to deliver a message from your subconscious about your perception of how your circumstances are impacting one or more of your universal human needs. (For example, anger is a signal of a perceived boundary violation.) At least for me, once I step back, identify the need involved, and validate it to myself, then it's easier for me to move on to questioning whether my perception is correct (and if so, brainstorming a response).

    For the second problem, I suggest slightly intellectualizing your values by writing out a brief autobiography. Once you've externalized your life up to now, then you can examine it for patterns that aren't as obvious from the inside, and come up with creative ways of bringing your life in line with your personal ideals without sacrificing other things that matter to you, like career success. In fact, it wouldn't hurt to do all of the exercises (that's just the first one) in Work With Passion by Nancy Anderson.

    I hope this was helpful. Regardless, I wish you the best!
    INFP ~ Fi/Ne/Ni/Te ~ 9-2-4 sp/so

  7. #7
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Self-reflect, meditate, find what it is that brings meaning to your life.

    Knowing your Fi isn't the same as controlling it. After that, you learn how to implement it.

    Coz make no mistake, Fi is instant, blunt and has no patience whatsoever. So learn to curb the reflex to react on it instantly, double-check what it is telling you (this is where a thorough knowledge of your needs, wishes, weak sides and values willl come in handy)

    Fi is opening flood gates. It seems to be meant to kept closed or open fully. That's rarely the case though. Learning how to open and close them swiftly and controlled, and only a little bit when needed is a pain in the ass. But it is soooo worth it. And it will enrich and deepen your emotional experiences in this life tremendously as well as add an incredibly depth and meaning to your life.
    This puts it very nicely.

    As an INFP, I find it imperative to keep in control of my emotions and not let them cloud the reasoning aspect of Fi, but to still make use of what they are telling me. It's kind of a constant struggle, which is why we are often defined as having internal conflicts on a grand scale. It seems necessary to express the undesired feeling in some healthy format, as a sort of cleansing so that you can then see more clearly. Writing, music, nature, etc, all seems very therapeutic for an INFP. I would argue that INFPs are actually excellent at dealing with their emotions, which is why we can seem pretty reserved and calm outwardly, save for the occasional outburst (from stress and being pushed too far).

    Ballet sounds like a great idea. Sometimes focusing on something physical allows your mind to take a break from the "Grand Internal Conflict", relax, calm those intense random emotions that crash over you, and then when you return to it, things aren't so overwhelming. I personally will experience physical ailments that stem from not dealing with stressful feelings, and yoga/pilates/bike riding is great at stress relief so I can then deal with my feelings in a calmer state and avoid those little health issues.

    You might also consider reaching out to other people in some way. When Fi is a mess, healing others can heal yourself. It puts your own feelings/life back into perspective. If you allow it to, Fi can be extremely self-absorbed, but it doesn't have to be. Try seeing yourself as other people, letting Fi react as them, and then you will grow a greater sense of compassion, which is one of the champions of Fi. In this way, you will also find your emotional connections to people much deeper and stronger, and you will know and understand them better.

    So this doesn't mean ignoring emotions or seeing them as bad. Fi can refine values by examining why something produces an emotion. This is why it is important to work out emotions before acting on them. Listening to your emotions can tell you a lot about yourself, your needs, your values, your flaws and your strengths. In this sense, Fi is not pure emotion or steered by it, but rather emotion serves as a valuable tool for Fi.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  8. #8
    Senior Member Uytuun's Avatar
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    i would like to hear more, bc i have been struggling finding a way to be supportive thru this process. what is your enneagram type, if i might ask?
    Most likely 5w4 with a prominent 3w2 heart fix and 9w1 gut.

    It just feels extremely disorienting, as if the ground you're standing on disappeared. And it breeds rebellion in me. An aversion to any kind of expectation as well. I lash out at people sometimes...it's really hard to be rational about and own and take responsibility for. It seems to be a very I-oriented process. I guess in some ways I'm more of a teenager now than I was as a teen. :p

    I used to always make it work, these days I find I often have to ask for extensions on deadlines etc. which makes me feel bad about myself...I always delivered what I promised. Te is still hovering in the background as a standard. It's not very good for the ego...

    What else would you like to know?

    Thanks for the replies so far...keep'em coming.

  9. #9
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    I'd be interested in hearing others responses as well. I can relate so much to how you feel Uytuun, except maybe the feeling more anger part. I'm also a weak J and have lots of P tendencies.

    I've been feeling a bit disoriented and unorganized...not meeting deadlines or others expectations, which in the past I would have NEVER allowed. I'm not crazy about my job. I'm not being challenged and it sucks.

    The bit about dancing is interesting. Dancing is SO LIBERATING for me. I would absolutely recommend it. I salsa dance. I dont dance often anymore, but when I do, it transports me to another world. Would love to learn jazz/lyrical dancing.

    I'm a little more stable now, but not 100% yet.

    Might be a bit of a personal question. Do you suffer from depression? I suffer from mild chronic depression. I just weaned myself off my medication recently because it was making me way too passive about everything. I was missing my anxious/perfectionist ways. As much as they drive me crazy, they keep me and my life in order. So in that sense, getting off the meds has helped me to somehow refocus again.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Uytuun's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    Might be a bit of a personal question. Do you suffer from depression? I suffer from mild chronic depression. I just weaned myself off my medication recently because it was making me way too passive about everything. I was missing my anxious/perfectionist ways. As much as they drive me crazy, they keep me and my life in order. So in that sense, getting off the meds has helped me to somehow refocus again.
    I was actually wondering about that earlier today, but I don't think so, never been diagnosed with it either. I tend more towards compulsive freak-out moments (in thought, no stress cleaning here )...I get satisfaction out of life, I laugh and feel, but I'm no longer very enthusiastic about what I would call Te institutions (work and school). I've never been an ber-J, but I was more involved in those institutions before. Now I seem to be blocked when it comes to the things that I *have* to do.

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