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  1. #1
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Angry INTJ trying to understand an ENFP's actions (PART 2)

    For those of you who followed my original thread/dilemma here and were wondering how it's been going, I've created a new thread to follow up.

    I decided to ignore/treat this ENFP in the same way I treat the rest of my coworkers since ENFP had made it non-verbally clear that he is no longer romantically interested. He actually finally ceases ALL flirtation with me, perhaps due to my ignoring him. It seems something in his conscience was bothering about the situation, because one day at work, he asks me "Are we okay?". So I respond in the most non-chalant manner "YEAH, why? did you think i was angry at you?" And he says, "yeah, i was acting like a blah blah". Good, so he gets his closure in the most (in my opinion) pathetic and non-confrontational way.

    Anyhow, I just wanted him to realize that I'm NOT drooling for him or on his tail, and that I'm fine if he's not interested. But here's the kicker...

    I remember at a company picnic a long time ago, before the dates, while he was trying to get me to go out with him, a coworker asked him about a girl IN MY PRESENCE, and he completely denied being in a relationship: "nah she's not my girlfriend, she's just a friend." And the coworker suspiciously replied, 'suure'. He emphasized his 'single-ness' while I was around. Fine, I take his word for it.

    So after all this time, and now that we're just back to amicable coworkers, I hear through the grapevine in the office that he does indeed have a gf, but it's unsure how serious the relationship is. Which means he had a gf the whole time he was going out with me and kissing me. She lives a few hours away, which I realize is why he always goes to that city once/twice a month. And this is why he never liked to call our dates "dates" claiming that word was TOO SERIOUS. Pieces finally coming together...

    I almost contacted her directly to confirm she really was his gf as I was able to find her contact info, but I held back, because I was an emotional and irrational mess after finding out.

    I've been so conflicted about confronting him on this, because of the time that's passed already. However, the ANGER that I feel consumes me. I'm not the type of person who holds things in. I confront and MOVE ON. HONESTY is something that I value beyond anything else. Being a NO BS type of person I expect the same in return. I feel like he's taken me for an idiot and I don't want him to think he got away with it. I dont care if she's a friend with benefits/f-buddy, I still think I deserved to know up front. I dont know if that's how it works, but sleeping with someone and going around kissing other girls just doesn't jive with MY values.

    If I confront him, I would just want to let him know that it's ok if he was not interested in me, I'm not upset about that, but lying to me and deceiving me was just plain wrong and hurtful. Not only unfair to me, but unfair to his gf. He will probably deny having a gf, but my blinds are off now. I can see through the BS. My gut/intuition always warned me. How stupid of me to ignore. No wonder I never let my guard down with him.

    I've continued to treat him amicably/casual at work regardless of the latter.

    To confront or not to confront? Is it worth it at this point? How would you go about it?
    Should I contact the GF to confirm if it's true?

    He leaves the country on vacation in a week for a whole month, so it would be my last opportunity before he returns from his trip.

    ENFP's and their DAMN GGS syndrome. Screw that...
    Last edited by thescientist; 08-31-2009 at 01:41 AM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    If it matters, he's definitely still physically attracted to me and I sense that he likes me. However, we just have very different values, and he definitely jumped to a lot of conclusions about me w/o giving me the opportunity to explain myself.

    I find that so contradictory since he HATES it when others judge him. What happened to living by the standards you demand of others? Angry rambling...

  3. #3
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    Why do you care?

    Whats ggs syndrome?
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

    Read

  4. #4
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    Why do you care?
    Because I want some friggin closure, because I dont want to harbor these feelings anymore, because I work with the bastard, because he blatantly lied to my face about not being with anyone, because I'm sick and tired of the BS, because I don't think I've ever been deceived before in this manner.
    I have plenty of reasons to care and a sense of justice that wont stay quiet.

    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    Whats ggs syndrome?
    GGS: Grass is greener on the other side...

  5. #5
    desert pelican Owl's Avatar
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    If my girlfriend were cheating on me, I'd want to know--even if it meant the guy she was cheating on me with was the one to break the news. However, if he knew she had a boyfriend before he got involved with her...

    But you didn't know.

    The way I see it, if you tell the other girl, you're doing her a favor. This guy is no good, and she should be apprised of this fact before she gets in too deep with this douche.

    edit: but you do have to work with this guy... ick.

  6. #6
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Yeah he sounds like he's still working out his value-system and got overwhelmed by his attraction to you. Or..he's just a jerk. Either way, he needs to get a spine and has some growing up to do. Fi doesn't like to be judged, but there's no way of knowing before getting to know the person which values it includes I guess, and discovering said values (basically developping Fi) is a painful process which can causes the person to do hypocritical things while figuring it out.

    If you *were* to have an indept discussion about this with him (if that were even an option at this time, which I know it isn't), he might have some very odd logic behind it to explain it (we weren't dating, it was just a kiss, I'm not serious with the other person, I wanted to see where it was going before I made the decision, etc...), or he might just admit that he was plain in over his head and didn't see it coming, which is why he stopped wooing you after the date where you kissed. These are educated guesses though...

    If you *want* him to know that you know something's going on..I personally would go passive aggressive. Talk about how you value honesty in men and how men are often such a let-down in that departement, preferably when he's in the room while you're talking to another co-worker, or, even to him, but make sure you can keep your expression completely innocent and give him only a glare at the end of the speach. Also, ask him how his out-of-town trip was with a smile and end with a glare again when you walk away. And after you do this, realize he will know that you know, and let go yourself. Coz holding on to this isn't going to be healthy for you, and he aint worth it. I wouldn't tell the gf, you don't know *what* they are, and it's a whole ugly mess to get stuck in especially if you have to work with him (he might get vindictive).

    Chances are he'll get the hint and come asking about it, and he might explain himself. Up to you if you want to listen. Make sure you have your BS radar on.

    Or, he might deny that you actually know anything, or deny to you knowing what you're on about (believing his own lies basically). At this point, I'd just not consider him worth my time, until I see some significant personal growth (though you might have decided this earlier already )
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





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  7. #7
    Senior Member SciVo's Avatar
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    It's not worth it. Consider: what do you want? For your universal human psychological needs to be met. What needs? In this case, your needs for respect of worthiness, reciprocity of exclusivity and non-betrayal of trust. Can you get more of what you want by confronting him? No, he'll go from an evasive jerk to a defensive jerk. All you can do is empathize with your own needs -- explicitly verbally recognizing your right to have them met -- and then take actions that will help with that... such as avoiding the jerk (and maybe seeking a worthy guy, if you feel like it). But I really don't see how there's anything you can say to him that will help actually meet those needs, as opposed to in a fantasy where he's suddenly overcome by remorse and tearfully admits how wrong he was (not gonna happen).
    INFP ~ Fi/Ne/Ni/Te ~ 9-2-4 sp/so

  8. #8
    Filthy Apes! Kalach's Avatar
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    I don't know if this makes sense, but it occurred to me to ask a question, it just popped into my head, thinking that if you know the answer to it, then as a corollary you'll have something in hand to understand something about what's going on now. The question was, "What are you going to do with the next ENFP you meet?"

  9. #9
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Or, he might deny that you actually know anything, or deny to you knowing what you're on about (believing his own lies basically). At this point, I'd just not consider him worth my time, until I see some significant personal growth (though you might have decided this earlier already )
    Amargith, thanks so much for following my story. I guess I wanted to believe that he really wasn't so bad. I'm still very naive and innocent in a lot of ways.

    What happened to ENFP's caring about hurting others' feelings or caring about what others think of them?

    I guess in his attempt to not further hurt me, he would most likely resort to lying anyway...

  10. #10
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kalach View Post
    I don't know if this makes sense, but it occurred to me to ask a question, it just popped into my head, thinking that if you know the answer to it, then as a corollary you'll have something in hand to understand something about what's going on now. The question was, "What are you going to do with the next ENFP you meet?"
    If it's a male who's interested --> Not trust them.

    or

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