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View Poll Results: How sexually faithful are you when in an relationship

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  • ENFJ - Always faithful

    5 7.35%
  • ENFJ - Occationally been unfaithful

    0 0%
  • ENFJ - Rarely faithful

    0 0%
  • ENFJ - Never faithful

    0 0%
  • ENFP - Always faithful

    13 19.12%
  • ENFP - Occationally been unfaithful

    6 8.82%
  • ENFP- Rarely faithful

    0 0%
  • ENFP - Never faithful

    0 0%
  • INFJ - Always faithful

    24 35.29%
  • INFJ - Occationally been unfaithful

    0 0%
  • INFJ - Rarely faithful

    0 0%
  • INFJ - Never faithful

    0 0%
  • INFP - Always faithful

    16 23.53%
  • INFP - Occationally been unfaithful

    4 5.88%
  • INFP - Rarely faithful

    0 0%
  • INFP - Never faithful

    0 0%
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Thread: xNFx fidelity

  1. #51
    Allergic to Mornings ergophobe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JohnDoe View Post
    My definition of cheating involves actively deceiving someone by lying or omission that you are in a monogamous relationship with them.
    Let's see: your definition of cheating=active deception....okay

    I don't consider the "you meet someone at a party and decide to start a relationship with them and dump your current SO" cheating so long as you're not actively deceiving, because you notify them as soon as possible.
    I'm going to separate all the 'I think' statements from the definition you provided and the specific instance you provided. The specific instance: Your hypothetical SO at the time trusted you will hold to your end of the relationship while you are at the party or wherever else. In failing to respect that trust, while they actively believed that they could trust you -- how is this not active deception? Your definition and yet you have a strange way of applying it to the instance you provide.

    These are rather malleable values you write about. So, essentially the way you have set it up - you can really never cheat as long as the person is informed, after. So all one needs to do to live with a clear conscience is to call the SO as soon as you find someone else who is more attractive (however you define this) and have already started seeing them is to inform them of the same, after???? The idea of starting a relationship at a party is a strange one to begin with... Does this not strike you as a lame attempt to set up an individual book of rules that excuses poor consideration of and respect for the SO and rather unethical behavior and clearly fits even your definition of cheating.

    If you don't notify your SO as soon as possible, yes its cheating. Hair splitting, I know, but cheating in my book requires deception about what is going on. There is no deception here, so there is no cheating.
    This is not hairsplitting it just doesn't fit your own definition -- letting someone believe that you are with them, regardless of how long this was for, while you break that trust is deception -- it doesn't matter what you call it in your book. You can use whatever personal rules of conduct you deem fit but you haven't explained how this is not active deception.

    It would be cheating (and unethical) to start a relationship with someone else and not notify your SO asap. But is there a difference between a text message saying I'm dumping you at 10pm and one at 12pm? Not really. Yet under your definition one would make you a cheater and one wouldn't. Intent matters more then the exact timing. (Note, dumping via text message is lame. I'd rather wait and be considered a cheater under your definition and tell someone at least over the phone then do that. )
    In what world is the above behavior ethical?

    Firstly, having already addressed the strange definition of deception, here is what would be ethical in the above situation.

    1. You have problems in your relationship and think you want out -- tell the person you're with just that and deal with the consequences. Don't wait until you get to a party and meet someone else.

    2. You meet someone you can't resist and are committed to someone else, you don't start a relationship with said person. You go home and think about why this would be a bad idea first....there's a thought. Impulses can be controlled. That would be ethical behavior. I assume you have committed to the SO - does that not mean anything?

    3. If you must follow your impulse after thinking through the consequences carefully then FIRST have a conversation with the person you are seeing and let them know that you are not wanting to continue the relationship. Take the time to explain why and be man/woman enough to listen to what they have to say, preferably face to face. This does not imply a text message or a phone call to INFORM them that you are done and have found someone else, it involves an in-person conversation where you provide an explanation and they get to express their part.

    4. You take some time to both let your SO get over the conversation and, to be fair to the new person, to get distance from your last relationship. Then you could ethically consider a new relationship....really.

    Edit: Lets be honest. We all know exactly when someone is cheating and when someone just hasn't notified their SO they are dumping them yet. In 99% of cases its the former. I'll use a I'll know it when I see it type test here.
    You are clearly missing the point -- while in one case, the person makes an attempt to hold on to the SO and in the second, they don't wish to do that. This only takes into account how you/said hypothetical person who is upgrading their SO feels. Neither considers the SO who is being deceived in either situation (how is it different for her/him - someone they trusted violated that trust) or the new person who is also deceived by not getting to meet and date someone who is truly unattached. It does not take away from the detrimental effects on the SO or the new person - unethical behavior towards both.

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    If my husband went to a bar, met a woman, slept with her, then came home and said oh, btw, I met someone I like better than you and I'm filing for divorce, I would definitely consider that cheating.
    As would the rest of the world. Yes.

    Quote Originally Posted by JohnDoe View Post
    If I called you right before I slept with her and told you I wanted a divorce would that be any better?
    Poor options - see above for others. Clearly, as the person you are describing has such poor impulse control, even in this case, yes, it would be better to call first. Hopefully the wife would be able to provide such a great earful that it would serve as a potent antidote for any amorous feelings said person would have to towards anyone at the bar or anywhere else for a while. This would be before she uses good sense and dumps him, of course.

    P.S. How old are you John Doe?

  2. #52
    "Everything in its place" fill's Avatar
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    Lol @ INFJs having no other answer but "always faithful."

    Really, though: This is interesting. I've never been able to understand why relationships don't end when it's apparent that there's no love to speak of. Also, a marriage is a commitment, and asking filing for a divorce then sleeping with someone other than your spouse is... put nicely, low of character.
    "Poor bastard. Wait 'till he sees the bats. "
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  3. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by ergophobe View Post
    Let's see: your definition of cheating=active deception....okay



    I'm going to separate all the 'I think' statements from the definition you provided and the specific instance you provided. The specific instance: Your hypothetical SO at the time trusted you will hold to your end of the relationship while you are at the party or wherever else. In failing to respect that trust, while they actively believed that they could trust you -- how is this not active deception? Your definition and yet you have a strange way of applying it to the instance you provide.
    I don't expect to own people. If someone likes someone else enough to break up with me, I don't particularly give a damn if they break up with me before or after consummating that. I don't see a difference between the two. They are still breaking up with me. My main concern is that people tell me as soon as possible so that I do not waste my life with someone who is not a good match for me. Either way the relationship is a failure. And if there is someone who is so much better then me for them that they want to leave me for them, so be it. I hold no ill will if there is a better match in the world, and am pretty happy if they are genuinely happier in the long run. And if that is the case, waiting a day or two to notify me isn't really going to change the fact that they are still leaving me. So why should I bear them ill will based on technicalities of hours on when they actually meet? We are talking about relationships here, not trading stocks. Hours or even a few days do not matter in the long run.
    P.S. How old are you John Doe?
    22

  4. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by ergophobe View Post
    As would the rest of the world. Yes.
    What if you were just in a relationship and not living together? Its easy to talk about clear cut when you have laws defining what is allowed. Not so easy when you have to actually think about the issues.

  5. #55
    Allergic to Mornings ergophobe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JohnDoe View Post
    ...
    Not so easy when you have to actually think about the issues effects of your actions on other people.
    Fixed. I'm done, thanks. Good luck and hope things work out for you.

  6. #56
    Senior Member WoodsWoman's Avatar
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    Never mind if he could have dealt with it - if I'd been the one to cheat I couldn't have dealt with it and probably would have offed myself as a result.

  7. #57
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WoodsWoman View Post
    Never mind if he could have dealt with it - if I'd been the one to cheat I couldn't have dealt with it and probably would have offed myself as a result.
    Yes, if I cheated it would disturb me a lot afterwards as well. I don't even know what I would do with myself.

    Honestly the thought of being with someone else never crosses my mind when I'm with someone I really like...
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  8. #58
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JohnDoe View Post
    I don't expect to own people. If someone likes someone else enough to break up with me, I don't particularly give a damn if they break up with me before or after consummating that. I don't see a difference between the two. They are still breaking up with me. My main concern is that people tell me as soon as possible so that I do not waste my life with someone who is not a good match for me. Either way the relationship is a failure. And if there is someone who is so much better then me for them that they want to leave me for them, so be it. I hold no ill will if there is a better match in the world, and am pretty happy if they are genuinely happier in the long run. And if that is the case, waiting a day or two to notify me isn't really going to change the fact that they are still leaving me. So why should I bear them ill will based on technicalities of hours on when they actually meet? We are talking about relationships here, not trading stocks. Hours or even a few days do not matter in the long run.
    So say you've been married for ten years, you've got two or three kids and you are working your rear off 50+ hours a week to support your family for the whole ten years. While you are working your butt off, your wife gets lonely and starts something up with one of your buddies and tells you about it a couple of days after they finally have sex, including the part where she's leaving you. Now you are going to have to continue to work like a dog to pay child support while your buddy is banging your wife and you only get to see your kids every other weekend and you weren't given any say in the matter.

    That's something that you'd be just fine with?
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  9. #59
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    i get what he's saying though...i think. it's not like whoohoo this is fantastic or like yeah...totally fine by me honey..hope you're happy...it's more like...damn...this sucks...but nothing to do but accept it and realize you never had what you thought you had...might as well know now.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
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  10. #60
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I don't know. Just because a relationship dies doesn't mean you never had anything in the first place or that it couldn't have been saved. Even if you are in love and compatible, relationships require nurture.

    It would stink to realize after the fact that you could have done something if only you'd known your partner was unhappy. If, instead of working on a current relationship, you begin a courtship relationship with someone else, of course your current relationship is doomed.

    If every time you start to feel less than satisfied with your partner, you go out looking for greener pastures, you can expect to leave a lot of broken relationships in your wake. Heck, if I did that, I probably wouldn't have a relationship last longer than my next case of PMS.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

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