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[ENFP] infp doesn't get enfp avoidance

Quiet Fire

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Aug 24, 2009
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24
MBTI Type
infp
(..New here.. so hope I do right...)

Had the start of a relationship (don't know what it could've been) with a male ENFP (fem here) - online - and then phone - for a few months. 'Both were going through much.. had some sort of misunderstanding or something communication-wise (just before we planned to meet).. which I have rather desperately (well, it seems that way sometimes!) tried to discuss.. pick up.. emailing and getting no response. I know I's internalize more.. but this is so beyond me..! It's been months since and I find I still occasionally send a few-liner saying.. 'how are ya - hope all's well' etc.. and absolutely no response. I phoned him once when I was traveling near where he lives - and he hung up on me. I'm feeling like a stalker for continuing to try to communicate (!) .. but it just doesn't make sense to me. I've apologized.. cajoled.. made jokes.. and nada. 'Maybe this is clear to everyone but me...?
 

runvardh

にゃん
Joined
Jun 23, 2007
Messages
8,541
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Months? Give up would be my thing. When I get no response I do three last attempts, each two days appart. After the last one I wait too weeks then consider no more effort after that.
 

Quiet Fire

New member
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Aug 24, 2009
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24
MBTI Type
infp
Obviously I'm hung up here (this has continued even while I've been dating).. Why not say 'sorry, but..' or 'I can't..' or anything.. I thought we had been pretty open and direct.. why would a sensitive person do that to someone.. how could one feel receiving email ongoing.. and not say something..? I don't care if he says 'get lost'.. but leaving me blowing in the wind (admittedly I'm hanging myself out there).. feels so cruel - or unbelievable... I know ENFP's can move along much more lightly... but I've begged for closure.. and got nothing (not letting my frustration show.. am I..!)..
 

runvardh

にゃん
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Jun 23, 2007
Messages
8,541
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6w7
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sx/so
As a sensitive person it probably bothers him to make a response; the joys of being FP...
 

Quiet Fire

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Aug 24, 2009
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MBTI Type
infp
Thank you for your thoughts... This feels so much worse than saying/telling me to 'get lost' for whatever reason... If we enjoyed each other before.. I don't understand why we can't simply be friendly (eg, a light email every 3 or 6 months).. but he's obviously just not into it.. I just don't get it... Why the need to be negative? I guess it's just not an important thing to him... 'bugs me though, cause I know he's not a lug...
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
5,290
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INfp
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9w1
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sp/sx
I think you are going to have to create your own closure here. :( Sadly, I don't think he's going to provide it for you.

Since he's disappeared, for your own health just assume he's an immature jerk that doesn't even have the common decency to stand behind his actions and decisions. Since you never got to meet him and really know him, it's an easy mistake to make - especially with a charming ENFP.
 

Quiet Fire

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Aug 24, 2009
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24
MBTI Type
infp
I think he's a better person than that, Udog, but I appreciate your thoughts and support! I'm kind of stuck with - that I was just too scary emotionally - and he would just 'rather not.. though he'd said he really liked me. He's just divorced, so I knew/know he wasn't romantic relationship material.. but I enjoyed his intelligence, depth (I thought) - and yes, charm..

Do other INFPs kill themselves trying to understand stuff/people's actions like this - or is it my personal proclivity..?!

Do any ENFPs have any more insight or advice?
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
5,290
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9w1
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sp/sx
Do other INFPs kill themselves trying to understand stuff/people's actions like this - or is it my personal proclivity..?!

Nope - it's pretty common. Welcome to INFP land!

That's why I suggest making your own closure. You deserve better than to spend the next year of your life wishing for this guy.
 

SciVo

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Aug 22, 2009
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244
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INFP
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924
Meyers-Briggs might not be the most useful scheme here. If he's an enneagram type 1, for example, then under extreme stress he could react like an unhealthy type 4: "self-inhibiting and angry at self, depressed and alienated from self and others, blocked and emotionally paralyzed."

That might seem a little confusing. If he's simply an unhealthy 4, then he'll be like that all the time until he makes a personal breakthrough to a higher level of functioning. If he were simply an unhealthy 1, then he'd be acting more "highly dogmatic, self-righteous, intolerant, and inflexible" all the time.

However, if he's an average 1, then he'll normally "have a 'sense of mission' that leads [him] to want to improve the world in various ways, using whatever degree of influence [he has]" and "strive to overcome adversity—particularly moral adversity—so that the human spirit can shine through and make a difference," but then be susceptible to reacting to overwhelming stress as described in the first paragraph, since type 4 is what's called the "direction of disintegration" of type 1.

That's just an example, since I don't have enough to go by to say what his enneagram type is.
 

Quiet Fire

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I admit - though I've tried a few times - I never got into Enneagrams - but have noticed when various MBTI types seem to be quoted as a particular E- number.. and my quick recollection is that ENFPs are usually a 5 or 7 (sorry, I can't remember which of the two!). From what you say and references amde, the E-types do sound informative.
 

Quiet Fire

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Udog.. maybe it's a rationalization of feelings.. but I don't feel like I'm wishing for him... I do miss the connection to what I did know of him.. (I don't share so openly with a lot of people; yes, I know of ENFP's reputation here). I feel sad at being rejected - and humiliated at being ignored - when I thought there had been a mutual good connection... though I tried to be very cautious about getting close to someone (involved romantically) going through divorce..
 

Quiet Fire

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(Still figuring out how this works.. thought I replied to you on this...)

... Maybe I'm rationalizing, but I don't feel as if I'm 'wishing' for him... I'm sad to have lost what I thought was a good connection.. especially without some peace or understanding about it... and seem to have only humiliated myself or scared him.. by trying to revive or keep some of it going. Why won't he just say 'goodbye' instead of ignoring me... why reject me so blatantly... there's no good reason for it.

I thought I- and ENFP's understood and appreciated each other...! And would feel the same about the importance of communication. If he's avoiding though - he's uncomfortable - guess I just wish (there's that word!) he weren't.

I have been dating and have many active interests.. 'don't know what brings me back to this, but I would like to move on. If a relationship I've been in had to change (including ending of LTRs), I've always been able to talk with them about it... so we both could go on easily and happily... AAAGGGHHH
 

kiddykat

movin melodies
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Jul 27, 2008
Messages
1,111
MBTI Type
ENFP
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4, 7
Considering other possibilities.. Could it be that he may be taken (either still married, has a gf/s.o.'s)? Maybe?

Either way.. his actions don't convey thereness/mutuality. Don't you think you deserve someone who will like you equally the same, who is consistent/honest?
 

Quiet Fire

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Aug 24, 2009
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I've seen him active on the dating site where we 'met'.. and that his status changed from 'separated' to 'divorced,' as I believe was scheduled. I tried hard to ask/convince him that we could communicate as friends (telling him I was dating and encouraging his meetings/dating) - but to no affect ('effect'..?!) After a divorce.. he should be making new friends.. re-building and formulating a new life for himself. I know it's a time of much change for him.. As I write this.. I can only conclude that I was/am more difficulty - trouble - a negative - - than worth... From what I know, he is trying to be consistent and being honest... just not saying anything (which is saying something - but what..?!)!

And YES, I believe I deserve friends and relationships which add joy - or growth - and represent mutual feelings... I have a life.. and when this happens (when I've written before with no response), I work to redirect my energy and remind myself 'not to do that again' - - but stopping here, I feel I want to confront him about not responding... yeah, by email or leaving a phone message... Z:eek:l .. getting or letting the frustration and feelings out... It was only after sending a quick message over this past weekend that I stopped to think how long it's been since he actually responded. I have no negative feelings towards him, but I do believe I don't deserve to be treated like this, - even if it is me putting my neck out there...

I've had many big stressors over this period (one of those times in history).. though I don't dump and didn't share many of the details since we didn't know each other in person.. perhaps he 'intuited' me as being too needy (I'm a very strong person - but I could use a shoulder once in a while, like anyone else.. but wouldn't do that to someone I didn't know well -- I listened about his separation and divorce) - and decided to keep his distance...

Sure does seem 'dead'.. I hate the negativity when it's not necessary.. and I guess that as an ENFP (thanks for responding, btw, Viv).. it's clear he's simply not into any communication with me.. and that I - also - should be investing my time and energies elsewhere. Again, I feel angry and want him to say something... why does an ENFP not talk...?
 

dani_elle

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Aug 18, 2009
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82
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ENFP
Maybe he finds the situation awkward somehow. ENFPs tend to be avoidant of unpleasant social situations.

Seriously though this guy takes it wayyy too far. Maybe he thinks you persist on communicating with him because you are interested in him on a romantic level, or maybe he simply is only interested in building romantic relations at the moment.

Tough luck sista. But if I were you, I would leave it as it is and not bother contacting him further. If he notices you have stopped contacting him AND wants to contact you, he will. Otherwise don't bother throwing money at a no-show.
 

Quiet Fire

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Yep, awkward and not getting any less so (!!.. sorry I haven't figured out yet how to put smilies in here), though I've tried everything to make it possible.. he was an independent thinker and I liked that about him... I appreciate this 'space' and good people to get better insight/perspective.. From the few comments I've had.. it seems clear I should dump it and not try to figure it out further, fix-it or make it good and right. It's sad though..
 

kiddykat

movin melodies
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^It's always tough when a person's emotionally invested.. Look on the bright side. Instead of being his rebound chick, he allowed you to see his true colors/intentions now.. Don't be his emotional tampon. He's a grown boy; you have a life to live..

We can get angry at him all we want, but that's not really going to do anything. I would just smile, forgive, let it be.. who cares right? In 20 years, this boy probably won't really matter.

Imagine yourself in a relationship with someone who can/will actually reciprocate, someone who's your best friend. He's out there. Mr. Old news just did you a huge favor! Best of luck!!
 

Quiet Fire

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Aug 24, 2009
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Funny.. I expected ENFPs to line up the 'right' reasons for his behavior.. I did luck out that things didn't go/get romantic.. I did time as 'rebound chick' twice.. and essentially lost some good years. Tried hard to avoid any emotional investment.. but I guess I can't figure out how that's done if you simply like/enjoy communicating with someone. Your point about anger (and 'imagining') is a great good one, Viv.... appreciate your thoughts and support! I'm kind of burnt out right now (trying to move forward on a couple of fronts) on dating...

I'm figuring runvardh hit something, in that, for his reasons, it's too difficult to say (whatever).. I say avoidance is unkind and probably unhealthy.. Oh well..
 

Quiet Fire

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'Reading in here and came across an ENFJ (or two) who described how they dealt with stress... and bells kind of went off to read they.. 'sever ties with whatever is causing the stress and re-evaluate the direction they're heading in'... The avoidance was simple 'severing' when we may have gotten closer, at best. Whew.... I gotta put this behind me...
 

Quiet Fire

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This has been difficult, as my "INFP" doesn't seem to have the capacity to understand 'lost connections,' and feeling I was foolish trying to 'smooth things out.' Guess I know better rationally.. BUT.

I've been reading a lot in here about ENFP patterns... and I'm clear that they 'bounce around'... but want to clarify when/if they really establish friendships for real (a true emotional connection).. I feel for where he is at (issues he's dealing with).. if there ever was any true connection, wouldn't that be reciprocated?
 
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