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  1. #41
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wellspring View Post
    The INFJs I know tend to have a polite, pleasant manner which usually makes people like them without actually getting close to them. We often come across as diplomatic, tactful, and caring people: and we are capable of enthusing and being effusive – but it will never be about ourselves (unless we are with the chosen few we trust). I have seen INFJs (me included) dancing a jig over somebody else's kids' pictures. Catch them gushing like that in public over their own children…

    It's just a manner we have. We try to make people feel comfortable, and all too often we end up as everybody and his wife's confidant. In these roles we will not appear unemotional. But we will give out very little of our OWN emotions.

    It's not that we don't feel, but we are very well at managing over emotions, and it’s very important that 'nobody will know'. I know of cases where INFJs went on working in an office after an affair with a coworker was over, and nobody could possibly guess either their previous involvement or their current unhappiness. We keep our secrets well, which is why others trust us with their own secrets.

    However, we do feel, and when we let ourselves get emotional it might look quite extreme. I actually learned to share my emotions unguardedly only with other INFJS – everybody else, including very caring ESFJs I knew, ended up looking alarmed and asking why I am taking everything to heart and being 'too sensitive'! Only other INFJs know that you've been bottling up everything and presenting a tranquil, totally-in-control face to the world, and that you are darn tired of that.
    I can relate to much in this post. There is also an aspect to my emotional world that my INFP sister has trouble accepting. I am able to observe and experience at the same time even when experiencing a fair amount of trauma. It is like having two streams of thought coexisting: one that is analytical and observing and the other emotional and experiencing. This allows me to admit when my mind is influenced by emotions while I am experiencing the emotion. If it is the PMS I will admit it while it is happening, and if it is my misperception, I try to admit my error and correct it regardless of its subjective impact on me. If something has happened that causes a great deal of pain, I can hold off any expression of it until I am alone and safe. I make sure to experience almost all of my intense emotional responses alone, and then when I know I have settled down, I re-enter the world of people to communicate in a reasonable way.

    I don't like to talk about my feelings because I don't want to be handled when in an emotional state, because I don't want to place that burden on people and I know what I need to do to get clear again. I don't want to express something irrational when I know it's not my true self or conclusions. It is very much like not wanting to talk about feeling queasy and throwing up. I know when I'm not thinking clearly and prefer to wait it out. Being a reasonable person regardless of circumstance is probably the single most important thing to me.
    Last edited by labyrinthine; 08-27-2009 at 11:19 AM. Reason: personal reference deleted
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  2. #42
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    [...]It is like having two streams of thought coexisting: one that is analytical and observing and the other emotional and experiencing. This allows me to admit when my mind is influenced by emotions while I am experiencing the emotion. If it is the PMS I will admit it while it is happening, and if it is my misperception, I try to admit my error [....]

    I don't like to talk about my feelings because I don't want to be handled when in an emotional state, because I don't want to place that burden on people and I know what I need to do to get clear again. I don't want to express something irrational when I know it's not my true self or conclusions. It is very much like not wanting to talk about feeling queasy and throwing up. I know when I'm not thinking clearly and prefer to wait it out. Being a reasonable person regardless of circumstance is probably the single most important thing to me.
    Yes, I relate very much to the bolded pieces.

    As I said earlier, I choose to let go a bit more and show my true emotional state, in the moment, with a very, very, very select trusted few. And with those select few, I desire to share all of myself with them, and I give myself 'permission' to be more vulnerable and cracked. [but I must also add - if it's a feeling/thought pattern I've experienced in the past, or shared in the past, I won't go in detail in future occurrences...as it's more old hat by that point...I might just be like: "Blah, yeah, bad day, in the black hole of my mind, you know, what can you do. Haha." ]

    But for most other situations, it's like what I've bolded above: I know/sense when I'm not thinking clearly, I sense when it's a purely emotive response, or paranoia on my part that I know will dissipate after I reflect, and I factor in the hormonal aspect and know not to necessarily 'trust' or put much weight on my feelings at times, because, well, I know they might fade into nothingness.

    So I therefore will choose, in most cases, to just sift through it all on my own - because in most cases, I'm the only one who can do anything about any of it anyway. All anyone else can do is listen and provide support, which, you know, can become draining on any listener if done in excess. Or else like I said earlier, I'll do my self-assessment thing, gain clarity on the thoughts behind the emotions, and will speak once I have that clarity - not in the midst of the turbulence, as that doesn't necessarily reflect my true, grounded thoughts - as you say, toonia. I actually dislike having my thoughts clouded by pure emotion - I want to reach that more centered place before I enter the discussion.... as half the time, once I've done my little timeout and done the assessing, I won't even have the same feelings I had had initially, thus I've saved myself from the pain/inaccuracy of speaking too soon, and saved the other person too from pointless additives.

    Also....in recent years I think I've simply become more 'accepting', as well as aware, of my flux of emotions, and because I know they are a flux, and I know I'll have good days and bad days, cynical days and more optimistic days, lonely days and joyful days....it's just a passing of the seasons, sort of...and it's just life itself....I just ride them out. No need to project all of it to everyone I encounter, as it's just a reality.

    I will share of my emotional state when it involves my relationship with another, the nature of that interaction, in order to maintain honesty and 'realness', and sort of in conjunction with that (going back to where I started in this post) I will also selectively share as a means of connecting with another person who I value, trust, and respect.

    And......I am now repeating myself and going in circles. I'll stop! Another long post enters the annals of my posting. ha.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  3. #43
    "Everything in its place" fill's Avatar
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    I usually don't have strong feelings unless it's triggered by somebody else's feelings. This especially comes with sadness of others. That kills me. If someone looks sad, especially if I know them and am used to their regular, happy state, I get really down. This happens for two reasons: I hate seeing them said and I don't feel I can do anything about it. I'm not extroverted enough to simply ask, "What's wrong?" if it's in front of people, and I feel as if I'm forcing myself on them if I barge in on their alone time. Sometimes I wish I could be more ENFJ. The dilemma will get stuck in my head, and I end up becoming more sad than the person who made me sad in the first place; what a vicious circle...
    "Poor bastard. Wait 'till he sees the bats. "
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  4. #44
    Senior Member whimsical's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    I can relate to much in this post. There is also an aspect to my emotional world that my INFP sister has trouble accepting. I am able to observe and experience at the same time even when experiencing a fair amount of trauma. It is like having two streams of thought coexisting: one that is analytical and observing and the other emotional and experiencing. This allows me to admit when my mind is influenced by emotions while I am experiencing the emotion. If it is the PMS I will admit it while it is happening, and if it is my misperception, I try to admit my error and correct it regardless of its subjective impact on me. If something has happened that causes a great deal of pain, I can hold off any expression of it until I am alone and safe. I make sure to experience almost all of my intense emotional responses alone, and then when I know I have settled down, I re-enter the world of people to communicate in a reasonable way.

    I don't like to talk about my feelings because I don't want to be handled when in an emotional state, because I don't want to place that burden on people and I know what I need to do to get clear again. I don't want to express something irrational when I know it's not my true self or conclusions. It is very much like not wanting to talk about feeling queasy and throwing up. I know when I'm not thinking clearly and prefer to wait it out. Being a reasonable person regardless of circumstance is probably the single most important thing to me.
    great posts, explain a lot.

    I think one of the biggest things about infjs is that they know how to control their emotions and this burden issue which you speak of, they strive to be as little of a burden on others because they know others have their own problems to deal with. Instead of pouring out their emotions they want to help the other person with theirs, because they know emotional states very well and can even feel with the other person what they are feeling if they can come to a full enough understanding of what the other person is going through in their world. Also not to mention the great feeling of satisfaction INFJs will often get simply through helping this other person; It comes to be one of the driving forces in these special type's lives, I would presume.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  5. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Having my emotions all hanging out all over the place in public would be the symbolic equivalent of dropping my drawers in the middle of a busy shopping mall. The emotions are there, I just don't feel that everyone needs to see them.
    Yes to this, 100%! It really bothers me when I see others showing too much emotion in public. I can't stand drama. Even when someone is not feeling well, if they're laying around groaning all day long, it really gets on my nerves.

    Once my 6'3 240 lb. boyfriend tripped off the front stoop and twisted his ankle, he layed out in the front yard and writhed in pain. I wanted to go over yell at him to suck it up and get his butt in the house but instead I asked if he needed any help. If he had limped up to the front door with a pained look on his face I would have felt genuine concern.

    Does this kind of thing bother anyone else, or am I an ogre?

  6. #46
    Senior Member scortia's Avatar
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    I personally don't bother getting emotional because there's no real need to. The only emotion I have no control over is frustration (and the crying related to that... aka I can't punch him/her in the face or curse him out thus I'm left with just tears to cope).

    I also don't bother because next to no one relates to me on "that level". I'd say I get very passionate for a few things but not emotional. Also, I find almost everything too trivial for emotion. Breaking up with a boyfriend, having a fight, it all seems so trivial to me.

  7. #47
    Senior Member Koocoomoo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    I can relate to much in this post. There is also an aspect to my emotional world that my INFP sister has trouble accepting. I am able to observe and experience at the same time even when experiencing a fair amount of trauma. It is like having two streams of thought coexisting: one that is analytical and observing and the other emotional and experiencing. This allows me to admit when my mind is influenced by emotions while I am experiencing the emotion. If it is the PMS I will admit it while it is happening, and if it is my misperception, I try to admit my error and correct it regardless of its subjective impact on me. If something has happened that causes a great deal of pain, I can hold off any expression of it until I am alone and safe. I make sure to experience almost all of my intense emotional responses alone, and then when I know I have settled down, I re-enter the world of people to communicate in a reasonable way.

    I don't like to talk about my feelings because I don't want to be handled when in an emotional state, because I don't want to place that burden on people and I know what I need to do to get clear again. I don't want to express something irrational when I know it's not my true self or conclusions. It is very much like not wanting to talk about feeling queasy and throwing up. I know when I'm not thinking clearly and prefer to wait it out. Being a reasonable person regardless of circumstance is probably the single most important thing to me.
    I know what that's like. Except I don't tell people what i'm feeling because I don't like putting myself in a vulnerable position

    Painfully Bipolar

  8. #48
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    I am able to observe and experience at the same time even when experiencing a fair amount of trauma. It is like having two streams of thought coexisting: one that is analytical and observing and the other emotional and experiencing. This allows me to admit when my mind is influenced by emotions while I am experiencing the emotion.
    Yes, yes, yes. You put this really well, IMHO. I have a weird metaphor for it myself...it's like two big bouncing beach balls, and when my emotions go bouncing off in one direction, my logic may go bouncing in another. Well, this is when the emotions aren't really under control. I have had times (ie. when I got dumped by someone I really cared about and who I thought felt exactly the same way) when logically I knew very clearly that it was for the best, and that getting back together with him (even if he'd been interested) would have been a horrible idea on many levels...but because I'm more of an emotional than a thinking person, my emotions were still crashing over me and overwhelming me, in a way that might have seemed very contradictory to the logical thoughts. I think this is something that I may not have learned to bring under control and I would like to be able to at least a bit more. I don't appreciate being overwhelmed with devastating emotions at the same time that a logical part of me knows that in a way there's really no need for it!

    This has been an interesting thread. I think INFJs are very emotional but that we preserve a calm dispassionate exterior much/most of the time. If I feel fairly comfortable with someone, even if we're not really close, they may get to see some of my passion and enthusiasm, maybe for a hobby I really love or whatever. But seeing my strong emotions - not a lot of people get to see that. The weird thing is, even if I get upset enough with you to blow up at you, in a weird way it's a kind of backhanded compliment. It probably means that I have a certain level of trust/closeness with you already that I don't with many people. I wouldn't blow up at someone I don't know quite well and trust to a certain extent - it would leave me feeling very embarassed and vulnerable.

  9. #49
    HAHHAHHAH! INTJ123's Avatar
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    oh yes they are, very very emotional, not often expressed despite Fe.

    "Some vent the attending emotions in private, to trusted allies. Such confidants are chosen with care, for INFJs are well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals. This particular combination of introverted intuition and extraverted feeling provides INFJs with the raw material from which perceptive counselors are shaped. "

  10. #50
    Senior Member TopherRed's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Koocoomoo View Post
    Like I know some ENFPs, I know an INFP (other than myself) and I know an ENFJ.
    The ENFPs and INFP are SUPER melodramatic.

    The ENFJ isn't a cryer, but he's very emotional in his arguments and rules out logic almost entirely.

    But I don't know any INFJs really well. They don't seem to be too emotional though. They seem to be almost Ts.
    Most INFP are high Fs
    So are INFJs low fs?
    Back to the OP,

    I don't rule out logic, it's just my weakest point, and I don't choose it much of the time in lieu of "people considerations". Be careful with your generalizations Koocoomoo. As Keirsey says, it tends to be the holy grail of the ENFJ to find logic in his/her life. That definetly holds true for me--I don't feel as though I can respect myself without at least examining something dispassionately, though I don't claim to weild logic without error.

    And I do cry. Once, every three years. It's just hard to find somebody I trust enough to break down like that in front of...it's very rare that I'll want to do so. When I do, it's like the weight of the world lifts off me and I'm ready to go for another three.
    Love is the point.

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