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[MBTI General] The Care and Keeping of Your INFX

Scott N Denver

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Interestingly, in the appendix of Just Your Type, the authors revealed that in SFJ/NFP pairs, 86% of the SFJs were satisfied with their partners, the highest satisfaction of any group in any pairing. So, congratulations on your good catch; and of course you love us, it's in your nature! :D

I don't want to worry you, but you deserve to know that they also reported that only 53% of the NFPs in those pairs said they were satisfied. I'm not sure what the problem is there. Maybe we tend to avoid unpleasant topics, so you'd have to work harder than you'd expect at drawing out if there's something troubling him?

If you read the type pairings sections it will elaboprate there. My guess/recollection: NFP's are warm and personable and think about others and find ways to express it. We care. :heart:

SFJ's tend to be traditionalists with prescribed ways of doing things, notice and care about details, and tend not to be very interested in deep convoluted theoretical philosophical conversations. we feel chained down by convention and dullery
 

CzeCze

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Unforgivably long post but it's about the OP so I know you'll love it

First off, my advice for dating INFPs - huge and kisses! Give your INFP lots and lots of hugs and kisses!!! Can never be too many! And water and sunlight. This will let your INFP grow up healthy and strong and be very, very happy. (They'll still be moody though, sorry, can't change that. LOL)

The problem is that when Fs get upset, virtually all logical explanation for why you behaved the way you did is just interpreted as "LOGICAL EXCUSES FOR BEING A LOGICALFUCKING ASSHOLE!"

Fixed!

"If you're trying to use logic to tell me why I shouldn't be upset, clearly you hate my FEELINGS and aim specifically and intentionally to hurt and degrade me! wwwaaahhhh!"

Gawd, you are so manly when you emulate a woman emulating a baby crying.

:laugh:

You know Sim, I swear I think you are going to fall, hard for an NF (oh, please, please, please let it be an INFP!!! Who keeps a journal and collects crystals) It is the poetic justic of the world. And when that day comes, I'm gonna be the first to subscribe to your new thread! :laugh: x 2

Criticizing my beliefs/values without knowing my reasons for holding them is a bad idea (Hi NTs :hi:). If you want to know, then ask respectfully and give me time to explain fully instead of sticking your foot in your mouth and assuming the answer. I do not simply latch onto ideas that make me "feel good". My values are extremely refined, defined, and well-thought out. What do you think I spend much of my solitude time doing (it's not all searching for LOL cats online, okay)?

Healthy or unhealthy, mature or immature, deeply held beliefs or valued connections must be treaded carefully. Some things are "sacred".

I actually do see Simulated World's frustrations here (oh, it's that evil, evil Fi, isn't it Sim? :laugh:) As a fellow NF and Fi user I know it can be hard to feel safe enough to let someone in and really explore these areas of questioning. Introverted feeling is hard to articulate (that's why it's introverted!) And INXPs can be really poor communicators, especially of intrapersonal stuff.

As a fellow NF/Fi dom I speak the same language (or a similar dialect) so I can navigate it or at least "get" why I can't communicate with the INFP. Whether or not the INFP is "clearly" communicating with me I "get" the gist of it and can usually replay it back to them and then they'll tell me whether I actually understood what they were trying to say or not.

But I think to an NT or really anyone who lacks intra or interpersonal finesse and just thinks things like that ^^ are illogical or unecessary or subjective (which is bad word), etc. it can be supremely frustrating.

Fi is a logic function but it's (more) subjective logic. Appeals to "rationality" or even practicality don't really work here. And will really piss off or hurt an INFP who thinks you are steam rolling over them instead of listening to what they are saying. They don't want you to tell them what makes sense, they want you to understand what makes sense to them

It can seem 'selfish'. And non sensical. And needy. <-- But if you think those things you probably shouldn't date an INFP. :laugh:

5. Criticism is mostly ineffective unless given in a constructive and encouraging manner. It is possible to give criticism without offending me, just be smooth about it, and make sure it's coming out of good intentions. Encouragement goes a looong way in getting the best out of me; almost everything good I've done is because people expressed their confidence in my ability to do it, not their criticism of what I am or am not doing right now.

Remember, hugs and kisses! Lots and lots of hugs and kisses! :laugh:

11. I need a lot of alone time and get easily tired from interaction, so it's nothing personal if you don't hear from me often. I am doing you a favor by staying away when I am moody or over-extended. A way to hear from me more is to show that you won't monopolize my time every time we're in contact and to be happy to hear from me. I'll be more likely to contact you knowing it won't totally drain me every time & that I am not disturbing you.

Not the INFPs I dated. :smug grin:

They liked calling me/talking to me/seeing me everyday. Sometimes 24/7 like. Doing a little bit of everything and a lot of nothing in particular. That's right - I was in. :puffs chest out:

If an INFP really likes you (and feels comfortable with you) it's so sweet how they very clearly seek you out and shyly hope you want to spend time with them.

Or have I dated a bunch of ISFJs that I've mistaken for INFPs? HA. HA. HA.

12. Find out what is very important to me early on, and then don't step on it. If you feel the need to question it, see #2 and wait until there is an established trust. If I feel disrespect towards my core beliefs, then I'll probably just cut you off. Disagreeing is fine, but degrading my view is not, because it essentially IS me.

Yeah, if you date an INFP and don't agree with what is important to them, it's over. I kinda knew this about one INFP I dated right out of the gate (the core value conflict) but I let it slide figuring we'd deal with it later if we dated long enough. I always knew it was an impassable thing, but you know how 'idealistic' NFs can be. :alttongue: I was just prolonging the inevitable. Aside from all our problems (though that was definitely a key part of it) it wasn't a sustainable relationship because I could not stand some of the things she valued in her life (namely some people). Fi doesn't compromise. I'm also an Fi dom. I was honest about my feelings on the issue from Day 1 and stuck by my words. I knew I was not going to compromise and would have to walk away if there was no resolution.

13. Ultimately, I want to be the most authentic version of my internal self externally, which can be hard for me to do. Anyone who brings out what I feel is the "real" me and celebrates it goes far.

For those looking to date an INFP I would also add "what they 'aspire' to be" to that last sentence, also.
 

simulatedworld

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CzeCze said:
Gawd, you are so manly when you emulate a woman emulating a baby crying.

:laugh:

You know Sim, I swear I think you are going to fall, hard for an NF (oh, please, please, please let it be an INFP!!! Who keeps a journal and collects crystals) It is the poetic justic of the world. And when that day comes, I'm gonna be the first to subscribe to your new thread! :laugh: x 2

Been there, done that.

Three guesses why it didn't work out. (HINT: Taking everything as a personal attack and refusing to listen to explanations to the contrary is kind of a big turn-off for me.)

Sometimes Ts are assholes; unfortunately nobody really knows exactly how much because we underestimate it and you guys overestimate it, so...eh
 

the state i am in

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Bolded- Not really what I meant.

And "normal" probably wasn't a good term to use, but whatever.

My point was that having these traits and having them take a negative effect on you should be avoided. Great post btw Scott.

Lots of the time I've seen (and observed for myself in real life) NFs create a lot of unnecessary issues for themselves for no apparent reason, just because they were either overly emotional/overly sensitive (in a sense that these traits backfired) and/or way too complicated.

And what I'm trying to say is that you should strive to not let those things as an NF take control of you and cause issues for you. And this relates to the OP because "special treatment" usually means that these traits need to be catered to, but the way I see it is that they are just getting in the way.

Having a difficult time projecting what I really mean sucks. But in this case it might be due to the fact that I'm doing some hardcore multitasking.

i think part of the other side to this was that your take on "negative effect" doesn't seem to be in touch with the situation very well. your judgment on "just being sensitive" and "for no apparent reason" just means you don't understand these people at all and are not skilled at communicating with them to find out the reasons why they feel the way they do.

it also seems that you could take some responsibility when you type out things others find offensive. at least intps couch their condemnations in a somewhat enjoyable logic game. in this thread you seem to be offering nothing but empty judgments. maybe they are rooted in your concrete experience, but this communicates nothing of value when you use it to espouse very bland generalisms about those "overly sensitive" inf types.
 

Lauren Ashley

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^State -- yes. Don't type out BS and then when someone calls it out as BS, say "You misunderstood." It was clear as day what that post was saying; no one misunderstood, they just disagreed.

---

Fidelia and OrangeAppled, I'll be looking for The Ultimate Guide to the INF Partner (complete with interviews and photos) at my local Barnes and Noble in a few months, so get to it. ;)
 

simulatedworld

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i think part of the other side to this was that your take on "negative effect" doesn't seem to be in touch with the situation very well. your judgment on "just being sensitive" and "for no apparent reason" just means you don't understand these people at all and are not skilled at communicating with them to find out the reasons why they feel the way they do.

Might I point out that BlackCat himself is an NF?

it also seems that you could take some responsibility when you type out things others find offensive. at least intps couch their condemnations in a somewhat enjoyable logic game. in this thread you seem to be offering nothing but empty judgments. maybe they are rooted in your concrete experience, but this communicates nothing of value when you use it to espouse very bland generalisms about those "overly sensitive" inf types.

Well, I'd agree with you if I didn't already agree with BC (very big of him to admit it about his own type, I think) that when somebody takes something too personally/imagines an attack that isn't there, in my experience it's almost always an NF (though sometimes an SF, but they tend to take things more at face value and won't read 20 levels into whatever you've said just looking for a way to read hostility into it), and hilarity always ensues whenever an angry NF makes a post complaining about how personally s/he takes it that people say NFs take things too personally.

INFPs remind me of INTPs in a way when they do this, because both types use Ne to try and universalize their own arbitrary, so-called "objective" perspectives on what is logical/ethical. (Note that INFJ and INTJ rarely bother explaining to you if you don't get it--since they don't use Ji, it's not so important to them to consider their own beliefs "objectively correct.") And yes, I know, you're very spontaneous and open to new ideas and all that, but that's only true of Ps on the outside--inside they are far more rigid than they appear.

:violin:
 

Sarcasticus

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I have learned that most important of all things with my INFP is just to accept him the way he is and let him be who he is...and be thankful for all of the wonderful things about him.

Good advice when dealing with any type, or person for that matter. :)

We *can* try and understand them better, though.
 

Requeim

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^State -- yes. Don't type out BS and then when someone calls it out as BS, say "You misunderstood." It was clear as day what that post was saying; no one misunderstood, they just disagreed.

I felt the same as you when i read it :yes:

(i know blackcat is NF)
 

Lauren Ashley

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Might I point out that BlackCat himself is an NF?

Maybe. The consistent lack of understanding of the motivations of these types, and lack of perspective in general, would indicate quite otherwise.

The post wasn't so much offensive as it was overly judgmental and censuring due to the aforementioned lack of understanding.
 

BlackCat

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Really? Sure you're not taking it a little too personally?

I find it telling that NFs are all about broad generalizations to describe patterns until those generalizations are pointed at them--then it's an attack on their individuality.

Yeah this is what I'm thinking...

If it doesn't apply to you (what I'm saying), then great. My post that I made wasn't meant to harm, but to be constructive.

And no I don't relate to a lot of the NF's troubles, oversensitivity, hyper emotional, unrealistic, and irrational behavior. Hence why I thought I was an S for a while. So I don't really have much perspective, since none of that makes sense to me. :)
 

Lauren Ashley

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Really? Sure you're not taking it a little too personally?

Lol, no. That's his opinion, but I just wanted to point out the lack of understanding which is at the root of it. I don't get "hyper-emotional/sensitive" complaints very often because...I'm not.
 

Coeur

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Good things to remember concerning me (and possibly other INFPs):
2. Criticizing my beliefs/values without knowing my reasons for holding them is a bad idea (Hi NTs :hi:). If you want to know, then ask respectfully and give me time to explain fully instead of sticking your foot in your mouth and assuming the answer. I do not simply latch onto ideas that make me "feel good". My values are extremely refined, defined, and well-thought out. What do you think I spend much of my solitude time doing (it's not all searching for LOL cats online, okay)?

This is key.

3. Don't misjudge my reserve as disinterest or dislike. If I don't like you, it will be made very clear if necessary. I'm probably much more intimidated by you than you could ever be of me. I will reciprocate and warm up if/when I feel safe.

If I dislike [or am unsure about] you, I won't make eye contact with you, won't hug you, won't smile, won't seek you out, and won't encourage conversation. To get me to open up, keep seeking me out.

4. Make an attempt to see the bigger picture, and then you'll get past my tiny quirks (ie. running late) that mean nothing in the grand scheme of life. Check the bottom line instead of nitpicking those little things.

Exactly.

5. Criticism is mostly ineffective unless given in a constructive and encouraging manner. It is possible to give criticism without offending me, just be smooth about it, and make sure it's coming out of good intentions. Encouragement goes a looong way in getting the best out of me; almost everything good I've done is because people expressed their confidence in my ability to do it, not their criticism of what I am or am not doing right now.

Exactly. Make it clear that your criticism comes from good intentions and because you care. Emphasis on making it clear that you care and your overall opinion of them hasn't change.

6. I am quiet, generally inoffensive, and go-with-the-flow, but that doesn't mean I am a doormat or obsequious. Making this assumption is dangerous. I'm very strong-willed and can be downright aggressive if necessary. I like to help people, not necessarily serve them, and I will stand up for myself. Don't push too hard; I will push back.

For sure.

7. If I am feeling melancholy, do not trivialize my feelings or tell me to "get over it". You can make me laugh, you can make me cookies, you can just leave me the hell alone, but I repeat: do not trivialize my feelings. Actually, don't trivialize my feelings in any scenario. At least acknowledge them as valid before giving your counter view.

THIS IS KEY. Do this and you are in hot water.

8. I am initially a reserved person, but this doesn't mean I am a stick in the mud. I'm also surprisingly less naive than you may think. I'm very open to new things as long as they don't violate my values.

People are always surprised how nonjudgemental I am considering how strong my beliefs are. Do not make any assumptions about my values and how I view things.

10. If you ask me about something, be prepared for an honest answer. This includes questions like "how are you?" and "what do you think?". I'll be nice about it and take a lot of care with your feelings, but I won't BS you. If you don't want to hear it, don't ask.

If I cannot be open about what I'm thinking/feeling, I will not tolerate you for long.

11. I need a lot of alone time and get easily tired from interaction, so it's nothing personal if you don't hear from me often. I am doing you a favor by staying away when I am moody or over-extended. A way to hear from me more is to show that you won't monopolize my time every time we're in contact and to be happy to hear from me. I'll be more likely to contact you knowing it won't totally drain me every time & that I am not disturbing you.

This is opposite for me. I want to spend every second with someone if I really like being around them.

13. Ultimately, I want to be the most authentic version of my internal self externally, which can be hard for me to do. Anyone who brings out what I feel is the "real" me and celebrates it goes far.

Key point.

So, my personal list, drawing stuff from this awesome list...
1. Let me be myself around you. If I cannot express my thoughts, feelings, and opinions, this is a VERY bad thing.
2. Don't make assumptions about me. I'm more complex and open than I may appear.
3. If I bring something up with you, it means that EVEN THOUGH it may cause a dreaded conflict situation, it is still bothering me that much. So, NEVER blow it off as trivial or unimportant. Ever.
4. Don't mock or belittle my values. It will only lead to bad things.
5. As another person said: "hugs and kisses"=great. :D
6. Figure out what my values are. You'll really impress me if you show me small courtesies.
7. Ask me what I'm feeling/thinking, and actually want to know the answer.
8. Initiate contact with me: reach out first.
9. Complimets and encouragements are great.
10. Commenting on things that give insight to who I am is endearing.
 

OrangeAppled

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Fi is a logic function but it's (more) subjective logic. Appeals to "rationality" or even practicality don't really work here. And will really piss off or hurt an INFP who thinks you are steam rolling over them instead of listening to what they are saying. They don't want you to tell them what makes sense, they want you to understand what makes sense to them

It can seem 'selfish'. And non sensical. And needy. <-- But if you think those things you probably shouldn't date an INFP. :laugh:

It's only nonsensical if you cannot follow the INFPs reasoning, because I'd say that often the logical disconnect is in the expression of their view, not the core of it. For this reason, I much more articulate in writing, and it seems many INFPs feel that way. Being Ne-aux, we can jump from A to D to B and entirely leave out C, and not understand why you can't follow us :D.
(I often even type that way...then I go back and copy and paste and move stuff into logical order.)

Not to say we don't have faulty reasoning sometimes, or that we do not alter our reasoning if we come to see it's flawed. If someone makes an effort to see what makes sense to us and why we feel that way, then yes, they may have just opened a door to reason with us.


Remember, hugs and kisses! Lots and lots of hugs and kisses! :laugh:

At INFPgc, there was a thread about disliking hugs, especially in public (really! :eek:) . I'd venture to say most of us like to receive them more than we'll let on though. I've gotten more huggy with age and welcome it now, but I used to be resistant.


Not the INFPs I dated. :smug grin:

They liked calling me/talking to me/seeing me everyday. Sometimes 24/7 like. Doing a little bit of everything and a lot of nothing in particular. That's right - I was in. :puffs chest out:

If an INFP really likes you (and feels comfortable with you) it's so sweet how they very clearly seek you out and shyly hope you want to spend time with them.

Or have I dated a bunch of ISFJs that I've mistaken for INFPs? HA. HA. HA.

Maybe they were :tongue:

Maybe this isn't an INFP one way or the other. I've never been called needy, but I have gotten numerous complaints about being too independent and acting like I don't need people. I mentioned in another thread how I easily lose track of time and can go weeks without contacting close friends and family. I'm one of those INFPs who frequently falls out of people's lives. Maybe it's the enneagram 4w5 thing...or just me :D

Yeah, if you date an INFP and don't agree with what is important to them, it's over.

It depends what it is....I was emphasizing respect over agreement because I don't expect everyone to have the exact values I do. If someone can respect my views, then I can overlook some differences. I think this may be very situation dependent.

For those looking to date an INFP I would also add "what they 'aspire' to be" to that last sentence, also.

That's a good insight :yes:
 

entropie

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I'd say that INFPs and INFJs are interesting enough that other types need to read a how-to guide on how to take care of us properly. Feel free to post any relational dos and do nots that you assume that are specific to your type. You can also post personal attributes and patterns that you've observed in your relationships. Note that these are guidelines and generalizations, not rules.

I'll jump into the fray later. :D

It's a good idea for some maybe, but I wont ever read it cause I want to find out on my own.

And if I fail, at least I tried :)
 

MFJAGgernaut-B

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Not sure about INFPs, but I know INFJs are all about non-verbals, so maybe translating a few of our non-verbals would help?

NERVOUS GLANCES

What It Means - If an INFJ starts casting nervous glances in any direction, it usually means there's something more important to him at the moment than whatever discussion you're intent on engaging him in. As such, it should come as a sign that you've been talking way too long about way too little; you're either taking too long to get to the point or spending too much time dwelling on it.

What To Do

- Say it. State your point, give us the rundown, and let us figure out the rest. Padding your point to soften the blow reads as you thinking we're too delicate to process the raw data. If you need an example, ask us for a brutally honest, off-the-record opinion about your fat ass or your butt-ugly Donald Duck necktie.

- Say it once. If you keep revisiting a point once it's been made, it shows us you think we have the attention span of a goldfish with ADD swimming in Red Bull laced with ecstasy. You'll get your goldfish from the pet store and your point made before the Jurassic-period caveman figures out how that strange little orange fish appeared in mid-air...and why everything's been frozen in time and 40 shades of neon since he ate it.
 

Halla74

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As of late, the last 9 months or so, I've made an active effort to "listen" to my INFJ Wifey-Poo-Snookums-Honey-Biscuit.

Life is a two two-way street. Our treaty is as follows:

(1) She is giving me the "heads up" that she needs to talk about something (usually related to some aspect of our relationship that is in need of deep metaphysical thought OR something that I have done with less than perfect feelings/empathy/etc.)...

(2) ...Now, I am making time (within 24 hours) to talk about such said aforementioned topics.

(RESULTS) Much dialog ensues. Sometimes it is a conversation devoid of bloodshed, others I am dragged into a deep cranial fatigue:

(A) Sometimes I think she is trying to tell me with words that she desires to dissect my cerebral cortex with a rusty butterknife but does not think the time in prison is worth it and is therefore electing to teach me the error of my ways... :azdaja:

(B) Other times we end up having a long chat about things that I thought were inherently obvious but that somehow were delivered by me as a multi-dimensional-Sudoku puzzle to her. :huh:

(C) IRONICALLY the best outcome of this "PROCESS" (aka ESTP torture) is that the informal ad-hoc friendly Hubby-Wifey-Lovey-Fluffy-Sweetie-Pie talks we do have are great! :shocking: :doh: :horor: :BangHead:

(CONCLUSION) I love her to little tiny molecular particles, but after 15 years I am only now learning to "talk" with my INFJ. Someone please tell me that's normal... :cheese:
 

WoodsWoman

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OH, my yes Halla - very very normal!!!
Congrats on making it this far!!

Something similar with my ENTJ... damn, I miss him...
 

Tiltyred

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Reminds me of the boyfriend I had who let me go because I made him think too much. So yeah, congrats on getting so far!
 

rainoneventide

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Yeah this is what I'm thinking...

If it doesn't apply to you (what I'm saying), then great. My post that I made wasn't meant to harm, but to be constructive.

And no I don't relate to a lot of the NF's troubles, oversensitivity, hyper emotional, unrealistic, and irrational behavior. Hence why I thought I was an S for a while. So I don't really have much perspective, since none of that makes sense to me. :)

Your diction is anything but constructive. I mean, would you go up to someone and go, "No offense, but your oversensitivity, hyper emotionality, unrealistic and irrational behavior makes no sense to me," and expect them to respond favorably? Enough with this "wasn't meant to harm" wishy-washy shit.

Really? Sure you're not taking it a little too personally?

I find it telling that NFs are all about broad generalizations to describe patterns until those generalizations are pointed at them--then it's an attack on their individuality.

What's wrong with taking something personally...? It sucks when someone thinks an opinion of yours is offending, but when you're offended that someone else is offended, then maybe you should reconsider expressing your brilliant opinion, next time.

This sort of thing just pisses me off because you're basically saying, "Suck it up, you shouldn't be offended, pussy." Except with fancier rhetoric that makes you look wise.
 
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