What To Do
- Say it. State your point, give us the rundown, and let us figure out the rest. Padding your point to soften the blow reads as you thinking we're too delicate to process the raw data. If you need an example, ask us for a brutally honest, off-the-record opinion about your fat ass or your butt-ugly Donald Duck necktie.
- Say it once. If you keep revisiting a point once it's been made, it shows us you think we have the attention span of a goldfish with ADD swimming in Red Bull laced with ecstasy. You'll get your goldfish from the pet store and your point made before the Jurassic-period caveman figures out how that strange little orange fish appeared in mid-air...and why everything's been frozen in time and 40 shades of neon since he ate it.
These two guidelines would apply for any hassle-free discussion with me, even though I am not an INFJ. Alas, I coincidentally happen to have an ISFJ mother who instinctively relies on all the aforementioned petpeeves to communicate her points. One can guess how strenuous and emotionally taxing our interactions become.
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[...] after 15 years I am only now learning to "talk" with my INFJ. Someone please tell me that's normal...
I'm rowing in the same boat, and I have made about a (literal) 5% progress on understanding the ISFJ dialect.
Quitting isn't my style, so I am
still here a billion heated arguments later trying to figure out a workable solution for a smooth INTJ-ISFJ translation.
We also have a (semi)treaty:
1. When I have limited patience, we won't speak to each other for the whole day. (Results: 10/10)
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My benefit: Time and clear space to sort out messy thoughts. Can re-organize/execute responsibilities sans the nagging chorus.
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Her benefit: Could avoid listening to the biting criticisms or any other form of 'disrespect'.
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Mutual benefit: Saves energy for other activities.
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Drawbacks (-0): None.
2. If she wants me to do something a.s.a.p, she would limit the number of instructional repetitions and procedural nit-picks. Then declare an official deadline. (Results: 7/10)
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Benefits: Same as above.
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Drawbacks (-3): She has trouble sticking to the deadlines, because she feels guilty about allowing the consequences to teach me a lesson. (However, this is the best way for me to learn and remember anything. I generally let the consequences shape the person, while my mom will nag -- out of love -- the person from a poor decision.) So the ISFJ mother often tries to extend them, and to her dismay, I would often forget about her requests since they loose their importance by having a flexible deadline. They always seem less desirable compared to the more time-sensitive tasks. As an individual who performs better under a firm structure that has room for navigational creativity, I am unresponsive to her strict step-by-step methods and vague descriptions of the expected results. The very source of conflict arrives from our working and directing preferences. I know she won't be changing her ways, so I will need to accommodate myself with an imaginary set of deadlines and consequences. It's challenging to do so because the returns aren't as enjoyable as the real ones.
(*I'm going to tie this into my experiences with the INFJ tomorrow.)
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Your diction is anything but constructive.
Perhaps it is not, though his intention to be constructive is largely indisputable. An explanation of what someone determines as constructive diction will provide a handy reference to anyone learning how reach out (within their limits) to their specific needs. We all function on different motivations and some clarity can identify the contrasting parts, before a mutual settlement between separate parties can be determined.
I mean, would you go up to someone and go, "No offense, but your oversensitivity, hyper emotionality, unrealistic and irrational behavior makes no sense to me," and expect them to respond favorably? Enough with this "wasn't meant to harm" wishy-washy shit.
People's behaviors do not always make sense -- which explains why many of us are here on TypeC --, and seemingly harsh observations are sometimes meant to open the lines of understanding 'foreign languages', rather than a means of invalidation. Applying an inaccurate context to someone's words could promote distance, mistrust and frustration that will take longer to mend had they avoided it. If someone finds something offensive, (again) it'd be highly constructive to explain their stance and assume nothing on the offender's part until more information is given. They should also refrain from thinking others would find the same material distasteful.
What's wrong with taking something personally...? It sucks when someone thinks an opinion of yours is offending, [...] then maybe you should reconsider expressing your brilliant opinion, next time
Agreed. Unfortunately, there's the whole other journey of learning how to effectively communicate with different groups. This is a learning process of mistakes that guides us into acknowledging what works and what doesn't, building upon our bank of knowledge to make better judgments.
[...] but when you're offended that someone else is offended
So long as I'm not held responsible for their happiness, I'd personally let them be offended because the same respect should be returned. Thinking someone's a complete prick doesn't help the existing troubles (ex: incompatible goals) that I already face. Beyond my business, it's everyone's own choice to decide.