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  1. #41
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    It sounds a little unreasonable to me (don't tell her that though even if you think it!). However...

    Check and see if there's any underlying problem. Sometimes INFJs think they're dealing with little things well (that in and of themselves are not a big deal). After awhile though they see a pattern or aren't as able to deal with it as effectively and feel that a series of little incidents represents a deeper problem. Then something happens and it is the straw the breaks the camel's back. Over time, they need to learn to verbalize things sooner before they are too upset and also check their perceptions to see if they are accurate.

    Otherwise, everything cafe said!

  2. #42
    Freshman Member simulatedworld's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sciski View Post
    The reasons you have for not calling are completely understandable--but did she know about these reasons? If she didn't, then it seems as if you flagrantly went against what she specifically asked you to do--hence the hurt feelings. Y'know, you ask someone to do something, and they go and do the opposite. How does that look? Disrespectful, rebellious or uncaring--take your pick.

    So it might simply be an awareness issue, in which case cafe's advice is what you need to do. If she *is* aware of your reasons texting vs calling, then it might be a paranoia issue, in which case,more details could help in figuring whether it's solvable or if she's being unreasonable.
    The problem is that when Fs get upset, virtually all logical explanation for why you behaved the way you did is just interpreted as "EXCUSES FOR BEING A FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

    "If you're trying to use logic to tell me why I shouldn't be upset, clearly you hate my FEELINGS and aim specifically and intentionally to hurt and degrade me! wwwaaahhhh!"
    If you could be anything you want, I bet you'd be disappointed--am I right?

  3. #43
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by simulatedworld View Post
    The problem is that when Fs get upset, virtually all logical explanation for why you behaved the way you did is just interpreted as "EXCUSES FOR BEING A FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

    "If you're trying to use logic to tell me why I shouldn't be upset, clearly you hate my FEELINGS and aim specifically and intentionally to hurt and degrade me! wwwaaahhhh!"
    It's a bad idea to dictate someone's motives or their emotions. Not a mature exchange from either side, methinks.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  4. #44
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    Lots of the time I've seen (and observed for myself in real life) NFs create a lot of unnecessary issues for themselves for no apparent reason, just because they were either overly emotional/overly sensitive (in a sense that these traits backfired) and/or way too complicated.

    And what I'm trying to say is that you should strive to not let those things as an NF take control of you and cause issues for you. And this relates to the OP because "special treatment" usually means that these traits need to be catered to, but the way I see it is that they are just getting in the way.
    Every type has tendencies which makes life rougher than necessary (if not for them, for others). I look around at the world and see a dismal mess, and I have no desire to mimic the people who put it there, simply because it's society's "norm". Functioning in the world is necessary, but I don't think there is anything more inherent to NFs than other types to prevent us from functioning. Being "different" is very much a strength.

    ----------------------

    I actually relate to 1, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 13 on Fidelia's INFJ list, even though I'm INFP.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  5. #45
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    It's a bad idea to dictate someone's motives or their emotions. Not a mature exchange from either side, methinks.
    Excellent way to put it, cafe! Each type has their own tendencies. A part of the use of talking about this is identifying these tendencies in ourselves and anticipating what could be misunderstood between various combinations of types so that we can solve problems before they become a big deal.

  6. #46
    Senior Member sciski's Avatar
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    I just realised that I may have been unclear in my original post, so here's a bit of clarity:
    "The reasons you have for not calling are completely understandable--but did she know about these reasons? If she didn't, then it may seem to her as if you flagrantly went against what she specifically asked you to do--hence the hurt feelings."

    So my basic point was to ask whether you explained why you texted instead of calling.

  7. #47
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    fidelia! you put so much thought into things. great post! you should write a book just about INFJs.........
    Ni/Ti/Fe/Si
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    Do not resist an evil person, but to him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer also the other. ~Matthew 5:39

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  8. #48
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Thanks aphrodite! That is a product of 5 years with an ESTJ and not understanding right away how extremely differently we viewed the world. It would have been so nice if someone had just handed each of us one page of notes at the beginning!

  9. #49
    Senior Member Scott N Denver's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Thanks aphrodite! That is a product of 5 years with an ESTJ and not understanding right away how extremely differently we viewed the world. It would have been so nice if someone had just handed each of us one page of notes at the beginning!
    Have you read Tieger and Barron-Tieger's Just your type???
    It would have given you 2 + 1 or 2 more pages worth!

  10. #50
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Good things to remember concerning me (and possibly other INFPs):

    1. Maintaining integrity is more important to me than "success" in the world, especially money (Hi ESTXs ). If something doesn't have a "higher" meaning to it, then I have a hard time caring about it. Help me see the meaning to something if it seems I am unfairly writing it off. "That's just how it is" arguments don't sit well with me; I am an idealist after all.

    2. Criticizing my beliefs/values without knowing my reasons for holding them is a bad idea (Hi NTs ). If you want to know, then ask respectfully and give me time to explain fully instead of sticking your foot in your mouth and assuming the answer. I do not simply latch onto ideas that make me "feel good". My values are extremely refined, defined, and well-thought out. What do you think I spend much of my solitude time doing (it's not all searching for LOL cats online, okay)?

    3. Don't misjudge my reserve as disinterest or dislike. If I don't like you, it will be made very clear if necessary. I'm probably much more intimidated by you than you could ever be of me. I will reciprocate and warm up if/when I feel safe.

    4. Make an attempt to see the bigger picture, and then you'll get past my tiny quirks (ie. running late) that mean nothing in the grand scheme of life. Check the bottom line instead of nitpicking those little things.

    5. Criticism is mostly ineffective unless given in a constructive and encouraging manner. It is possible to give criticism without offending me, just be smooth about it, and make sure it's coming out of good intentions. Encouragement goes a looong way in getting the best out of me; almost everything good I've done is because people expressed their confidence in my ability to do it, not their criticism of what I am or am not doing right now.

    6. I am quiet, generally inoffensive, and go-with-the-flow, but that doesn't mean I am a doormat or obsequious. Making this assumption is dangerous. I'm very strong-willed and can be downright aggressive if necessary. I like to help people, not necessarily serve them, and I will stand up for myself. Don't push too hard; I will push back.

    7. If I am feeling melancholy, do not trivialize my feelings or tell me to "get over it". You can make me laugh, you can make me cookies, you can just leave me the hell alone, but I repeat: do not trivialize my feelings. Actually, don't trivialize my feelings in any scenario. At least acknowledge them as valid before giving your counter view.

    8. I am initially a reserved person, but this doesn't mean I am a stick in the mud. I'm also surprisingly less naive than you may think. I'm very open to new things as long as they don't violate my values.

    9. I talk in metaphors a lot, use hypothetical situations to make a point, and generally put a lot of stock in symbolism. Make an effort to take this seriously, because this is how I communicate, and I will shut down if you disregard it. This also means I sometimes read into wording and actions as symbolic for something greater, which might be annoying, but much of the time it proves right, so I'm sticking to it.

    10. If you ask me about something, be prepared for an honest answer. This includes questions like "how are you?" and "what do you think?". I'll be nice about it and take a lot of care with your feelings, but I won't BS you. If you don't want to hear it, don't ask.

    11. I need a lot of alone time and get easily tired from interaction, so it's nothing personal if you don't hear from me often. I am doing you a favor by staying away when I am moody or over-extended. A way to hear from me more is to show that you won't monopolize my time every time we're in contact and to be happy to hear from me. I'll be more likely to contact you knowing it won't totally drain me every time & that I am not disturbing you.

    12. Find out what is very important to me early on, and then don't step on it. If you feel the need to question it, see #2 and wait until there is an established trust. If I feel disrespect towards my core beliefs, then I'll probably just cut you off. Disagreeing is fine, but degrading my view is not, because it essentially IS me.

    13. Ultimately, I want to be the most authentic version of my internal self externally, which can be hard for me to do. Anyone who brings out what I feel is the "real" me and celebrates it goes far.

    I can think of a lot more, but I'm getting tired
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

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