Ack, I got a problem.
I've been meeting tons of new people since last September, I've been joining lots of local groups and doing a lot of new things. This has been enjoyable, but I'm starting to withdraw a little because I'm getting those potential 'clingers'.
When I was younger, I'd pretty much take up ANY friendship because I was just so low on myself and thought I was so lucky if anyone liked me, that sort of shit. I'm over that now, I'm more selective about my friendships.
I'm still attracting those people who seem to consider me this beacon, or guru, or savior and it's blowing my mind. When I was younger I loved that because I felt validated by feeling I was useful to someone. Now I want to avoid it like the plague. I am not saying I want friends that have absolutely no baggage or issues, I just mean that I want people who own their own shit and really want to handle it themselves just with perhaps help along the way. I'm getting those people who fawn all over my 'wisdom' and start running every little thing by me for approval.
I am getting hesitant to go out right now because I'm trying to put my finger on just what it is I do to attract these sorts. My marriage was sort of like this too, my ex was passive, indecisive, and did not like taking personal responsibility. He seemed to 'fee' vicariously through me and resented it if I was in a low period because it's like he couldn't get his fix. I'm introverted, but when I'm out and about I'm all up in everything. My ex often seemed to revel in this 'glow' he said I had, and I think he became somewhat dependent on it.
I'm feeling cornered, because out of all the people I've met in the past year, it's the people who have a tendency for that sort of thing who most want to do things with me and are always asking to go out with me. There is one exception, a guy who has his shit together, is self assured, and seems to appreciate my enthusiasm as being right alongside his rather than being a replacement for what he doesn't have, if that makes sense.
These others are not sure of themselves, they're insecure and painfully shy. There is one who will come talk to me, hear what I have to say, then repeat it word for word as if it all just 'occurred' to her. This wouldn't bother me so much, but she'll be all confident when repeating, then get low, then come back to me for 'a refresher' if that makes sense, and sends these paranoid "Did I offend you? Why haven't you been in touch???" emails constantly. I've been avoiding her lately and I do not really want to encourage this friendship at all any longer.
I'm conflicted about it because I honestly relate to being shy, insecure, and unsure of one's self. I myself am working to overcome these things within me and I have empathy, I don't think these things make them bad people at all. I just do not want to be in that damn guru/beacon/savior position. I can accept "Thanks so much for the advice" from someone I've known for a few weeks. I can't accept "You are so amazing and I don't know what I'd do without your help!" from someone I barely know, I hear that shit and I have the strong urge to make a beeline.
I have an old, really good friend who is also an INFJ. When we talk we go into depth about the stuff we're up against, and lend each other the shoulder and ear, but it's like this unspoken thing that we're not expecting each other to lead or give the answers. My ex wanted me to give him the instructions/answers and this is what I'm getting from a lot of these new people as well. I had a lot of 'vampire' friendships in the past and I do not want this again.
So, after all that, I guess basically what I'm saying is "WTF??". I know there must be something I am doing to make this happen, I'm not blaming everyone else. I just am not sure what the hell I do or how the hell to make changes in my own behavior to attract more independent folks.