I'm really surprised other Fe-doms have problems communicating with ESFJs.
Since my S/N are very close, I don't have very many issues with ESFJs. I generally find them to be cheerful and real (real as in they are reachable and responsive) people. I have met the nightmare ones, but then I've met nightmare versions of nearly every type.
BTW, I'm breaking into histrionics as I write this post.
Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship. Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts Social Penetration Theory 1 Social Penetration Theory 2 Social Penetration Theory 3
chris_1207 and slumdogtrillionair's advices are both good.
NFJ's really need to create a thicker skin to deal with SFJ's, because SFJ's can actually be genuinely mindless and needs to be shouted to (to create Se-structure as ESTP's more naturally does). Both your Se and Fe will get strong excercises and when you've got the dominance they won't bother you anymore. But It's the step from being a calm, sensitive NFJ to becoming a controling and willstrong NFJ that is the challange.
SJ's and NP's can't handle Se-confrontation very well so I would go for that. Trying to do something Ni-ish like talking to a friend to set your ESFJ friend straight will be a big mistake because the ESFJ will keep coming back then. Only YOU set your own boundaries. Take you Se control and gain the respect you desire, it will not come to you freely.
I usually just let them feel like they're having things their way.
I just try realizing that we function differently... perhaps if I had their personality I wouldn't be able to help the way I am...
If they get too invasive, I just set up some squishy colorful walls. Or I just smile and pretend to appreciate the concern (which, a lot of times I actually DO appreciate the advice... because their strengths are my weaknesses, and vv). Oftentimes we can discuss our differences and make amendments. It really works on the healthier ones. Just be pleasant, don't show an attitude or the cold shoulder or the "what the heck are you talking about, you're stupid" look.
IF they're unhealthy, well... it's hard to work with anyone unhealthy.
I'll need to have cooled down in order to not launch into a fiery argument for sure.
Be friendly and assertive. I'm not sure how that _doesnt_ work.
My mom is an unhealthy ESFJ and I have always had a lot of trouble dealing with her. Last year when I was visiting my parents things came to a head and I confronted her about it for the first time.
I won't bore you all with the details of what was happening, but I ended up telling her that what she was saying/doing wasn't ok. I explained how it made me feel when she said those things and acted in that way, I told her that I understood she felt X, but that didn't make it ok for her to treat me that way. I don't know, there was more but I'd have to think to remember it all.
Anyway, she ended up crying, but she stood there and listened to what I told her. I didn't get emotional, I just told her exactly how her acting like that made me feel.
Since then I have only had one or two episodes with her (normally I would have had many, many more), both times I called her on her behaviour and again explained how it made me feel.
She actually apologized!!@*#(! The first apology I think I've ever had from her.
I read about setting boundaries like this this from reading books on borderline personality disorder... I don't know if she actually has that, but there are certainly a lot of similarities.
I've dealt with other ESFJs who didn't have these issues and I haven't really had trouble dealing with them. It's been more that I have a hard time being interested in the same things. They always want to talk about things that are boring to me, they seem to assume that as a woman I should be interested in them. *shrug*
“Can a man of perception respect himself at all?”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky
both esj types are my most consistently negative interactions.
i think what lorkan said is right on the money, especially with esfj 3w2 dudes (my most awful interaction).
when esfjs get tired and a little looser with tertiary Ne they sometimes seem more interesting (older ones probably too). still, inferior Ti with very little N = no thanks. the inability to re-frame OR use logical analysis OR relating personally via real Fi is totally utterly disastrous. i think i even prefer estj (but barely). istj and isfj, on the other hand, are easily to get along with (unless the isfj is your boss and making terrible decisions).
I try to focus on their good qualities--great hostesses, emotional support...
But to be honest, I'm not CLOSE friends with any of them anymore cause I can't really stand them... haahahaha. I do actually have one "close" ESFJ friend, but she lives in another state than I do, so I think that counts as distance. If she lived closer, I bet I would die. Sometimes she goes on these rants about things... it completely grates on my nerves, but when it gets to the point that I can't take it anymore, I just tell her.
Yeah, I would say avoid. Maybe not healthy, but I can't deal with it. ESFJ men are totally different. I like them.