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  1. #21
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ericajoy View Post
    My children are very young, 2.3 years and 6 months. We are stuck at home a lot. I feel isolated from other people. I do feel like I am losing myself in all of it; like I am not able to work on my projects or my goals. I feel like I have NO time for myself. My husband, an INTJ, when I tell him I need closer relationships with people, suggested that I try having sex with him (which I am currently very uninterested in.)

    I try to make projects out of homemaking tasks like cooking. I have been working on making my own bread and jam and cheese. I feel like I need something to keep me interested in my domesticated life. But then, when the kids are crying, I feel very selfish that I want to put these silly projects before my children's needs. I think I am more interested in my projects than my kids.

    I am also currently not speaking to my mother, an ISTJ, because I am feeling unloved and rejected by her and I think she might be toxic for me to talk to. This makes me very sad and very alone. But she only talks to me because she feels obligated.

    Spirituality is something that might be missing, something that I might be able to explore to add meaning to my life.

    I can't figure out how to get out of this rut. I feel so isolated from other people which makes me feel very sad. But the more isolated I feel, the more needy I feel, so the more I isolate because I don't like being around people when I feel so needy because I am afraid of not being accepted and if I start talking about me I might never stop. How do I get out of this negative feedback loop? I feel totally empty, like it is impossible to fill me up. Like I can't get enough from people and I just keep needing no matter what people give me.

    Thank you for reminding me about balance.
    Counseling. Counseling. Counseling!! I was in the same situation you are in for years. I have an ISTJ husband and an ESTJ mother, and I felt like I lived in hell. I retreat socially when things get overwhelming, and I don't usually tell even my closest friends what my most difficult dramas are. I don't want to be an emotional burden, but I felt like I was literally dying inside. I went to counseling for 6 sessions, and just talked for an hour. Extroverts are very good at solving their own problems when they talk them out with another person acting as a sounding board. I talked myself in circles, and finally out of them, and it was such a relief.

    Find some fun-loving SP or EXXP moms in playgroups. Join social groups in your city. I try not to get too involved with SJs right now, because they seem to bring out the evil neurotic in me.

  2. #22
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    I live in Lyons, Colorado.

    I go hiking quite a bit. And it does help me to feel better to be reminded that I am part of the natural world. Hiking is harder with kids...

    I don't really know what I mean by spirituality. I am not looking for religion. That is not at all what I am seeking. I am seeking peace. And I think what I mean by this is feeling good in my own skin. Authenticity. I don't find peace in dogma or following a set of rules. And I get turned off of any path that insists on faith.

    I feel like I have been living for other people for so long and I suddenly realized that I am not me anymore or at least that I don't know where my path is anymore.

    I used to practice meditation (in a very loose way) and I have taken some yoga classes, but I haven't been into yoga in any type of deep spiritual way, though I think I might like to see if I can use yoga to help me find some peace.

  3. #23
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ericajoy View Post

    I don't really know what I mean by spirituality. I am not looking for religion. That is not at all what I am seeking. I am seeking peace. And I think what I mean by this is feeling good in my own skin. Authenticity. I don't find peace in dogma or following a set of rules. And I get turned off of any path that insists on faith.
    I'm not a huge fan of Byron Katie, but when I was in my rut, it was good to hear some sort of positive rationale for accepting what is and being appreciative of it.

    How often do you do things alone?

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnFpFer View Post
    Counseling. Counseling. Counseling!! I was in the same situation you are in for years. I have an ISTJ husband and an ESTJ mother, and I felt like I lived in hell. I retreat socially when things get overwhelming, and I don't usually tell even my closest friends what my most difficult dramas are. I don't want to be an emotional burden, but I felt like I was literally dying inside. I went to counseling for 6 sessions, and just talked for an hour. Extroverts are very good at solving their own problems when they talk them out with another person acting as a sounding board. I talked myself in circles, and finally out of them, and it was such a relief.

    Find some fun-loving SP or EXXP moms in playgroups. Join social groups in your city. I try not to get too involved with SJs right now, because they seem to bring out the evil neurotic in me.
    Thank you! I just started counseling this past week. The 1 hour session wasn't long enough. I left feeling like I had just gotten started, but I am going back next week and I hope I feel better after a few more sessions!

  5. #25
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    ^ Counselling is like a mirror to reflect you back to yourself. As an NFP, you are likely as or more self-aware than your therapist, remember that. They don't "have" the answers; you will talk yourself towards them. They will bounce back the right questions and thoughts to get you there.

    I also think EnFpFer's advice on joining a mom group is a great idea. It will be helpful to share what you are experiencing because you will find you are definitely not alone, and it will be fun besides.

    And as for your children, they are very young. There are many many more years to evolve through. Peace is not a destination, it is something you carry inside you. You don't look out, you look in. Heal the relationships around you. Open yourself back to your husband. Accept the limitations of others.

    I too am surrounded by a plethora of SJ's in my family - it can be challenging to feel like you are "normal" somehow around all that! But you will be OK if you own your own feelings and move towards peace, instead of trying to claim it.

    Sending !

  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnFpFer View Post
    I'm not a huge fan of Byron Katie, but when I was in my rut, it was good to hear some sort of positive rationale for accepting what is and being appreciative of it.

    How often do you do things alone?
    Who is Byron Katie?

    Alone time is funny these days. Do you have kids? My new shrink thinks that doing things alone is a good way to deal with the immediate crisis that I am feeling. I used to do things alone all the time! Oh how I mourn my alone time! I do get some and I am trying to use it wisely and not fritter it all away (in chat rooms I'm still nursing my 6 month old and he doesn't take a bottle. I can't be away for too long yet.

    My husband thinks I am in some sort of negative feedback loop of my own creation, that my problems are all imagined and if I could, at the same point in time, become less needy and hang out with friends, that all of my problems would be solved.

    I'm feeling like I am too much E too be happy by myself and too much I to know how to interact with people these days.

  7. #27
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ericajoy View Post
    Who is Byron Katie?

    Alone time is funny these days. Do you have kids? My new shrink thinks that doing things alone is a good way to deal with the immediate crisis that I am feeling. I used to do things alone all the time! Oh how I mourn my alone time! I do get some and I am trying to use it wisely and not fritter it all away (in chat rooms I'm still nursing my 6 month old and he doesn't take a bottle. I can't be away for too long yet.

    My husband thinks I am in some sort of negative feedback loop of my own creation, that my problems are all imagined and if I could, at the same point in time, become less needy and hang out with friends, that all of my problems would be solved.

    I'm feeling like I am too much E too be happy by myself and too much I to know how to interact with people these days.
    Byron Katie: The Official Site for The Work of Byron Katie She's interesting. Good when I was down

    We took care of a relative for years so we count him as our "first", and have one biological child under 5. You must get alone time at all cost. And as an NFP, it preferable should be time that you feel like you are improving the emotional health of others-imo. I volunteered as a counselor for Habit for Humanity families, and as a children's rights advocate in the family court system.

  8. #28
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnFpFer View Post
    I volunteered as a counselor for Habit for Humanity families, and as a children's rights advocate in the family court system.
    I too volunteered for the betterment of others when my kids were ~5 years old. But I took on too much "giving" and started to burn out. Be careful for balance if you follow that path. I would advocate something that's less prone to make you over-extend yourself - take up a very sensory pursuit - painting, stained glass, clay work etc. - it will help you get out of your head.

  9. #29
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    Plus, I have to add - your youngest is only 6 months - you are nursing and your body is still undergoing huge emotional and hormonal shifts. Be patient with yourself - it's OK to feel a little un-like yourself. I noticed it more after my second too because it was balancing two schedules now and neither would nap when the other did etc.

  10. #30
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    I too volunteered for the betterment of others when my kids were ~5 years old. But I took on too much "giving" and started to burn out. Be careful for balance if you follow that path. I would advocate something that's less prone to make you over-extend yourself - take up a very sensory pursuit - painting, stained glass, clay work etc. - it will help you get out of your head.
    I can see how as an introvert that may overwhelm. As a extrovert though, I was dying inside as a result of being alone and not being a part of a social group. I felt very isolated(against my own will), and the more isolated I felt, the more isolated I became.

    Getting out with other people, and feeling like I was being of help to them actually helped me to help myself. I found that it was fun and enjoyable to help others when I knew that their entire lives weren't dependent on me(an inevitable burden of parenting). So true that it is easy for us NFPs to overextend though, so I only participated twice a month and it was truly therapeutic.

    And true about the nursing too. Once you stop, you will feel more like yourself. I nursed for over three years straight. I don't regret one day of it, but I am so glad that I'm done!

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