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  1. #11
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    I enjoyed mechanical engineering school and the people in it with me. I need to type my best friend in college. (Not saying the OP doesn't have that issue, just that not all engineering is like that, I guess)

  2. #12
    Junior Member Kaz's Avatar
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    Have you just tried kinda talking to them? lol I've recently just attended college at a school where there are a lot of students from the area, and me being from 3 hours away had to make an effort to really fit in and make friends. All I did was jump in there and when I participated in activities, I introduced myself, talked, asked what their major was, etc. Then you can find their interests and possibly relate to them. I usually clicked with other students just by jumping into conversations.

  3. #13
    Senior Member boondocked's Avatar
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    I'm on the research and communications-strategy side of advertising. Advertising is chock full of fa-LA-ming extroverts, mostly S, but still, a pretty good mix of every extroverted type. Sounds like a dream for an ENFP, and it is, when we actually find the time to party. Parties don't wig me out in the slightest. Like almost any extrovert, they recharge and reassure me. It's being at the school that tears at my sense of connection.

    We have just one building, never have a class outside of it. We are more an independent entity than part of the university, our connection to the university is nominal only. So I don't feel in any way connected to student life outside of my grad program. And the work is constant. So constant that people regularly pass out in class and we had one poor kiddo who had to be hospitalized for exhaustion. There isn't much time to foster connection with anyone in The Outside World (dun dun dun)!

    Some people thrive in this environment. Type A's, I think. I have a harder time. I think the exhaustion and always having to be 'on' gets to me, so that the relationships that were so effortless at parties erode when we are work partners. Everyone likes me well enough, if peer evals are any indication, but nobody really knows me except my few good friends. Nobody seems to know anybody that well. And that doesn't seem to bother anyone else.

    It's hard to say if it's worth it exactly. It's worth the impossible hours, it's worth the constant pressure. I love what I do. However, I'm not sure it's worth the feeling of disconnect and insecurity.

    Thank you guys so much for all the suggestions and commiserations!! It's so nice to get a truly outside perspective.

  4. #14
    Member dani_elle's Avatar
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    I too faced this problem when I first started University.

    You would think social butterfly = easy to make friends right? Wrong! It was easy for me to make a ton of distant "friends". The problem I had with the class was:

    1) The only friend I knew before entering kinda abandoned me and as closer to this other girl.
    2) Thing is, they're both pretty lazy and HATE what they're doing.
    3) This somehow makes me their mentor.

    At first, I was willing to help but I got really sick of it.. Also, the group of kids that they hung with? Not so nice. Extroverted? Maybe, but a few of them were pretty judgemental. They used to bitch about the other girl (not my ex-friend) and now they are "closest of friends".

    Now my class size is pretty small. I had a choice between like, 3 groups. One group was too T for me and the other consisted mainly of introverts. Not that I dislike introverts, they just don't draw me in, you know?

    But bitching is against my values system. Especially if its for no reason (since the class was new?) and they were really really mean to her in the beginning. Plus, one other member of the group figured since my friend and HER friend (i rarely saw them in class) kinda mooched off me, she could do so as well. So yes, mean people and leeches. Oh. But not just mean people, fake ones as well! They would act all nicey-nice at first, and then began to outracize people... who later left the group. (good for them!) Still, appearances are pretty important since the class is small so they act civil.

    Anyway, long story short, I dumped that "toxic" group and joined the introverts. They're nice people, and I noticed since I dumped the toxics the leeches got the message - with the exception of my "friend" who didn't talk to me unless she wanted something despite me trying on my part. So, I dumped her after a long while. Kinda. I just kinda told her off for being petty over a small amount of money and POOF! she went all defensive on me.

    So yes take my advice, keep it real. We may have the urge to please "everyone" but its practically impossible. I'm glad you have friends, but if you feel the class at large is not a good place for you to invest your energies in, please don't! Its very draining and can take away from other aspects of your life. If you can, try and find outside friends... take up a hobby or something? Oh yes, and please stick to your good friends. Its better to have one good friend than an entire toxic circle. (P.S. good luck and please don't let this affect your passion for your studies! I nearly did and I am glad I didn't! I'm studying what I love and no lame toxic people can take that away from me!)
    I am an ENFP but I value justice over mercy.

  5. #15
    The Duchess of Oddity Queen Kat's Avatar
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    Are they worth it? If they're not worth fitting in with, then don't. I've made that mistake before and it's the only thing in my life that I regret. Sometimes trying to fit in with the wrong croud feels lonelier than spending your time all alone, or that's my experience. Try to become friends with other people. MAybe you'll find a place we're you feel like you belong there.
    I was sitting outside the classroom waiting to go in, and I saw an airplane hit the tower. The TV was obviously on. I used to fly myself and I said, "There's one terrible pilot."
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  6. #16
    Senior Member boondocked's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saint Kar View Post
    Are they worth it? If they're not worth fitting in with, then don't. I've made that mistake before and it's the only thing in my life that I regret. Sometimes trying to fit in with the wrong croud feels lonelier than spending your time all alone, or that's my experience.
    and

    Quote Originally Posted by dani_elle View Post
    So yes take my advice, keep it real. We may have the urge to please "everyone" but its practically impossible. I'm glad you have friends, but if you feel the class at large is not a good place for you to invest your energies in, please don't!
    This is all sooo encouraging. I've been thinning myself out trying to be loved by all. It's always been impossible, but I didn't want to look that in the face. I never even considered that it might not be worth it to feel perfectly knit into the school. I DO have my good friends, and thank the powers that be for them. They are enough.

    I suppose I just wasn't used to this problem. People are my thing . Shrugs. Oh, well. It's my last year anyhow.

    Thank you everyone for talking sense to me. Love this place.

  7. #17
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    Look at it this way..

    If people like that like to sit around, gossip, who needs to be a part of that, right?

    Take up a new hobby. I know how it feels.. Read up on new/interesting things..

    Go to the local gym (if there is one) . Exercise, get your mind off of stress. When you start feeling happy, on your own (even in solitude) naturally, you will start meeting like minded individuals who share the same interests..

    It's all about focus/reinforcing the idea that 'this is only temporary.' Best of luck!

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by boondocked View Post
    So I don't feel in any way connected to student life outside of my grad program.
    And the work is constant. So constant that people regularly pass out in class and we had one poor kiddo who had to be hospitalized for exhaustion. There isn't much time to foster connection with anyone in The Outside World (dun dun dun)!
    Some people thrive in this environment. Type A's, I think. I have a harder time. I think the exhaustion and always having to be 'on' gets to me, so that the relationships that were so effortless at parties erode when we are work partners. Everyone likes me well enough, if peer evals are any indication, but nobody really knows me except my few good friends. Nobody seems to know anybody that well. And that doesn't seem to bother anyone else.
    It seems to me like you're experiencing an odd mix of emotions. You seem to feel overwhelmed on the one hand from the workload and the social scene, and disconnected on the other hand because you're not close to most of the people there. Am I right in this assessment?


    Here's my advice to you:

    - Nurture your own world. Make sure you have enough time to yourself to do something relaxing, like yoga or taking daily walks, or just anything structured and sensory-based (instead of intellectually/emotionally based) that you do by yourself on a regular basis so that you have time to reflect.
    - Volunteer in the community or join a club in the school. Again, this is about nurturing your own separate world that's not dependent on these other people in your program.
    - Really try to strengthen your existing close friendships. If you try to be friends with everyone, you might just spread yourself too thin and wind up with no friends at all. A few good friends are better than a whole lotta acquaintances, right?

    In general, I'd try to not worry so much about being 'on' all the time. Us ENFPs need more quiet time than other extroverts so we can pause and reflect and establish our Fi-based value system. It's hard to do that when the other people in your program are fa-la-ming extroverts, but I really do think you'll feel better and stronger when you've had more time to reflect.

    Hope this helps. Good luck.

  9. #19
    Senior Member Clonester's Avatar
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    ENFP Male: E-74% N-95% F-58% P-84% 3w2
    "I feel there are two people inside me - me and my intuition. If I go against her, she'll screw me every time, and if I follow her, we get along quite nicely." -Kim Basinger

  10. #20
    Member 7thsomebody's Avatar
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    often as a fellow ENFP i find it hard to do this but my sister and INTJ admittedly always says this "mind over matter" thing as a way of getting through it. when i was at school and i hated my class i would just focus on my life outside it and if you are enjoying the social life outside your classes that use that as a lighthouse in the dark to look forward to. furthermore i would suggest getting to know the people in your classes however cliquey they seem. i have routinely met great people who nice and friendly though they are, rarely they the first move to be sociable and had i never done so we may have never been friends. the thing about being an enfp is that even without having to try you will often find that you can relax and make friends with even the stuffiest or shyest of people, probably particularly the shyest. so i would say just persevere with being your usual friendly self and take an active academic interest in your classes so that the course itself is more of a motivator if the people are not up to much.
    hope this helpsx
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