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  1. #11
    Senior Member penelope's Avatar
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    Yeah... this issue just lead to our first real fight, so I'm freaking out a bit right now and not sure what to do. He is saying that he thinks I'm just infatuated with him and now that I've seen this one big part of him (his negativity) this relationship isn't going to work. He's saying that I don't really know him and is essentially putting the blame on me. I'm done being defensive... I just want to come out of this with a solution and I have absolutely no clue what's going to get him out of it too.

    Aghhhhhhhh.

  2. #12
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    LOL..omg, really?
    Yeah, he's insecure that you are going to judge him over who he really is, and is feeling really vulnerable and pushing you away on purpose. This is the shadow side shock-thing that we do. To see if you're able to love the person we *really* are, instead of that dream guy you fell for. We're kinda used to people not *seeing* the real us, as they're too busy looking at the mirage we automatically conjure. (sorry, being arrogant, but it is a common problem for us).

    It's up to you. He's showing you a part of his dark side. Can you live with it? If so, reassure him, and show him that you love him inspite of those aspects. If not..he might have a point and a good reason to do this now...
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  3. #13
    Senior Member Nonsensical's Avatar
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    Tell him you are going to make things work. Tell him you are going to learn to work with his negativity and that he should also learn to control it.

    If you can't get to the bottom of it, then try this. It's what I would do, because I certainly can relate to wanting to just solve it as fast as possible.
    Is it that by its indefiniteness it shadows forth the heartless voids and immensities of the universe, and thus stabs us from behind with the thought of annihilation, when beholding the white depths of the milky way?

  4. #14
    Senior Member penelope's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    LOL..omg, really?
    Yeah, he's insecure that you are going to judge him over who he really is, and is feeling really vulnerable and pushing you away on purpose. This is the shadow side shock-thing that we do. To see if you're able to love the person we *really* are, instead of that dream guy you fell for. We're kinda used to people not *seeing* the real us, as they're too busy looking at the mirage we automatically conjure. (sorry, being arrogant, but it is a common problem for us).

    It's up to you. He's showing you a part of his dark side. Can you live with it? If so, reassure him, and show him that you love him inspite of those aspects. If not..he might have a point and a good reason to do this now...
    And that's exactly his case...

    Yeah, this is actually not the first time I've dealt with the "dark side" because we had broken up twice before due to it, but then he came to his senses and decided that I was the only person that could possibly deal with him and vice versa, and it's been this amazing relationship since. The dark side that showed itself before (and believe me, it was pretty bad... he went through hell to get me to take him back a couple months ago) was along the lines of this same issue we're facing now... and he's acting like he did before. So not only does it scare me that he's going to be irrational and break it off like he did before, but I'm scared that he's actually doing this again... he had essentially promised me that it wouldn't happen again. I don't want to lose what he and I have, though, so I did just what you suggested: let him know that I love each and every aspect of him as best as I could, and I'm really hoping that it will help. I just don't know what to do.

    (our "fight" is over the internet between emails, since he's at work...)

  5. #15
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Accept him for who he is. And realize that he loves you. Otherwise he wouldn't do this, nor would he come back to you. Yes he needs to learn to deal with it, but it's just one of his flaws. He'll love you even more if you accept and even love him for it. Don't respond to it, smile at it even, and understand where it comes from. The stronger your emotional reaction, the more you'll be feeding his fears, paranoia and emotional response to it

    Whenever I get this way, mad at the world, stuck in my own world, my SO just smiles, understands that it's not him and waits for me to figure it out. It hurts him to see me hurting like that, but he also knows that the only thing that will help is him being there for me and patiently waiting it out. It's soothing to know that he will not pressure me, and will give me that space, as it will reduce the guilt I feel about having that problem and take the pressure off (somethign that just gives me a mental block otherwise).

    There is nothing you can do more for him than to let him know that no matter what kinda crazy ass stunt he comes up with, he can always come back to you and you will still love him, regardless. I'm not saying that you should tolerate bad behavior. But if you know him, you'll also know whether or not he'll milk it or is genuinly struggling. If he's struggling, don't blame him. He's trying

    My INTJ functions as my steady rock in the ocean that is my emotions. I love him dearly for that as at least something in my life is stable. It is however up to you to decide whether or not you are up for that and are willing to do so
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  6. #16
    Senior Member penelope's Avatar
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    I'm very happy to hear that, Amargith, it sounds like my relationship with my ENFP, and that's what I needed to hear. Whew. I sure hope this whole thing blows over, and that he calms down before he says or decides anything major. In the past, he's overreacted and acted on that, ending things or at least damaging them near to being beyond repair.

  7. #17
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by penelope View Post
    I'm very happy to hear that, Amargith, it sounds like my relationship with my ENFP, and that's what I needed to hear. Whew. I sure hope this whole thing blows over, and that he calms down before he says or decides anything major. In the past, he's overreacted and acted on that, ending things or at least damaging them near to being beyond repair.

    We...can be a challenging lot, no doubt
    But I've been told it is apparently very much worth it

    I'm going to repost my edit here so you can see it. Hope it's useful to you


    "Concretely, I'd tell him that you realize this fight isn't about you two, it's about his insecurities. And I'd tell him that no matter how he feels about himself, I still love him coz of all the great things he's apparently blind for. And I'll patiently wait for him to figure it out. And if he wants to tell me something, or needs me to listen, he knows where to find me. And I'd tell him I aint going nowhere. Coz I love him for this and this and this reason.

    It's what he needs to hear "
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  8. #18
    Senior Member penelope's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    We...can be a challenging lot, no doubt
    But I've been told it is apparently very much worth it

    I'm going to repost my edit here so you can see it. Hope it's useful to you


    "Concretely, I'd tell him that you realize this fight isn't about you two, it's about his insecurities. And I'd tell him that no matter how he feels about himself, I still love him coz of all the great things he's apparently blind for. And I'll patiently wait for him to figure it out. And if he wants to tell me something, or needs me to listen, he knows where to find me. And I'd tell him I aint going nowhere. Coz I love him for this and this and this reason.

    It's what he needs to hear "
    And that's exactly what I've just done. Thanks so much. Now I'm just about near a panic attack waiting to hear back...

  9. #19
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by penelope View Post
    And that's exactly what I've just done. Thanks so much. Now I'm just about near a panic attack waiting to hear back...
    Awesome, you're a fast learner

    Now, just breathe, and if he doesn't immediately respond, realize he's probably processing and still wrestling with some feelings. No need to panic
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  10. #20
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    The negativity is most likely anxiety that doesn't know how to get constructively directed. Fi can make you really care about things (for better or worse) to the point it's hard to be direct and to the point about them. So that adds to the anxiety factor and he basically doesn't know another way to deal with it.

    If you can figure out what his core fears are and what exactly he is unhappy about and reassure him or at least get it on the table, I think he will calm down.

    The good thing is that EPs are pretty good with unknowns and going with the flow (which is necessary in long distance), so he should be alright with the situation and lighten up once he gets that core assurance.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

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