[INFP] Male INFPs = Nice Guy/Average Frustrated Chump

[Usehername]

Ask her out in a vague manner? I'll need an example...

Just don't say, "hey do you want to go for coffee sometime?" if you've already been hanging out in friend context. How is she supposed to know if this is a friend-coffee or a date-coffee? If she's confused, she will either hold her cards close and not give you much at all, or she'll default into presuming it's a friend-date and you'll read "wrong" signals that could've been prevented if you just said to her something that made it 100% clear that you're interested in seeing the romantic relationship potential. One option is the aforementioned "you have qualities that I look for in a GF, want to go out for coffee to get to know each other" or the other is simply telling her you want to take her out for a date, and then once you say that, you ask her out to coffee. I'm sure there's other variations, but give her 100% clear context that it's "exploring romantic potential" rather than leaving the potential for her to interpret it as a friend date.

This method is respectful and angst/heartache-saving, not to mention efficient to get that behind you if it wasn't going to work out anyway. Or it means you're that much closer to a relationship.

 

[runvardh]

See, sometime is vague even more me. No one the 100% out there, that's a problem; I tend to go 75% and gradually dial it up from there if I don't feel a chill. Then again, that's from the quick shut down I got from an INTP before she, a year later, swung around back.

 

[Alwar]

I just go for it and don't piss around at all. I hope OrangeAppled starts a thread on the nice guy stereotype hint hint.

 

[Usehername]

See, sometime is vague even more me. No one the 100% out there, that's a problem; I tend to go 75% and gradually dial it up from there if I don't feel a chill.

You have no obligation to go on a second date with her if it doesn't work out, though. You asked her out for coffee (or a walk, or whatever), not a big expensive meal or anything. If you're not interested, make sure your parting words are said in a way that respects her dignity but doesn't leave her with the impression that you'll be calling. You can say "you're an awesome person. I like x about you, your y quality is cute and your next boyfriend is going to love z about you. I don't think we quite have the same sorts of goals/interests/life plans/"je ne c'est quoi". Or if you're not sure, tell her you're not sure, so you don't want her turning down "the dozens of guys that must ask you out" while you decide.

 

[runvardh]

I mean if I don't feel a chill from her, no/negative reaction.

 

[Usehername]

I mean if I don't feel a chill from her, no/negative reaction.

I am a little confused about what you said earlier "no one 100%."

 

[runvardh]

I am a little confused about what you said earlier "no one 100%."

sorry, meant no on the...

 

[Usehername]

sorry, meant no on the...

Oh. Yeah, that'd probably fall under characteristics that vary from guy to guy. So long as you're being respectful about her feelings and not creating situations where she has to guess your intentions, I don't think there's a wrong method.

 

[runvardh]

I try to avoid making her guess, I just dial most of the emotion back to avoid scaring them.

 

[Udog]

She started out interested. Oh well, I still would like to know what kind of move these girls expect.

Sometimes that happens. Because I hold so much of myself back early on, I've known women to crush on me more because they filled in the gaps than because they actually liked me. Once I start revealing myself, it becomes clear to them I'm not what they were looking for, and they move on.

And that is fine. I'm pretty comfortable with the fact that I'm not for everyone. Sometimes it does sting a bit, but then again sometimes I'm pretty relieved. Either way, it wasn't going to work out, and it's better to find that out after week 5 than it is after year 2.

I try to avoid making her guess, I just dial most of the emotion back to avoid scaring them.

Good idea. Here's another good idea: Make your actions congruent to the level of emotion you feel for her. Early on when you have a bit of a crush, use that to try and ask her on a date. That way your crush can grow into love within the context of a romantic relationship. Much healthier that way. And if she's not interested romantically, it's only a crush that needs to be revoked, not some form of love. It's much easier to realign to friendship or simply move on at that point.

That's the only way I've *ever* had success with dating. EVERY SINGLE TIME that I waited until I felt something 'deeper' with a girl before trying to go down a romantic path, it turned out poorly.

 

[Stanton Moore]

It's critically important that you find something that you love to do. Then do it.

Express your passion. Lots of people find that attractive. Some of them will be female. It works!

 

[Udog]

It's critically important that you find something that you love to do. Then do it.

Express your passion. Lots of people find that attractive. Some of them will be female. It works!

This is good advice. Although it helps if the passion isn't something like World of Warcraft. (Although, who knows, even that may have a shot.)

 

[Stanton Moore]

This is good advice. Although it helps if the passion isn't something like World of Warcraft. (Although, who knows, even that may have a shot.)

True...I hadn't thought of that.

I guess I had more old-school things in mind, like playing the guitar.

 

[Udog]

True...I hadn't thought of that.

I guess I had more old-school things in mind, like playing the guitar.

Guitar is a classic one, especially since it's relatively easy to get to a point where you can play a tune on it. I think us INFPs have a bit of an edge when it comes to music - as we are generally pretty good at expressing our emotions through it. It's a great way to bypass defenses and emotionally affect someone else.

And the thing is, if we find an activity where we can direct our passions, suddenly we won't be so desperate to find a woman to direct them towards.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Actually, from these two descriptions, I'd say the Nice Guy is an ENFJ. It's a fitting description to these type of people.

Oh well, I generally find ENFJs charming. Their shtick works with me , and they are usually pretty direct with their motives. I wouldn't call this a type thing at all.

I'm confused as to why you care!

No, I just assumed your assertion was obvious before you announced it.

Someone needed to call BS on the "Nice Guy" charade. Might as well be me. It is a forum for discussion after all.

 

[sleuthiness]

Oh well, I generally find ENFJs charming. Their shtick works with me , and they are usually pretty direct with their motives. I wouldn't call this a type thing at all.




Someone needed to call BS on the "Nice Guy" charade. Might as well be me. It is a forum for discussion after all.

Discussion?

You should start a mailing list! Just start a thread on this forum leaving instructions detailing how to sign up, have a mod lock it, and fill in the rest of this fantastic community on the results after a few weeks. I don't need to read "act nice but not too nice if you don't really mean it, fart" for the thousandth time over another 50 page thread; why not just look to receive guidelines from the top?

 

[Udog]

Discussion?

You should start a mailing list! Just start a thread on this forum leaving instructions detailing how to sign up, have a mod lock it, and fill in the rest of this fantastic community on the results after a few weeks. I don't need to read "act nice but not too nice if you don't really mean it, fart" for the thousandth time over another 50 page thread; why not just look to receive guidelines from the top?

Option B) She creates the thread, but you ignore it since you are above it.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Discussion?

You should start a mailing list! Just start a thread on this forum leaving instructions detailing how to sign up, have a mod lock it, and fill in the rest of this fantastic community on the results after a few weeks. I don't need to read "act nice but not too nice if you don't really mean it, fart" for the thousandth time over another 50 page thread; why not just look to receive guidelines from the top?

Must have hit a nerve :rolli:

Who said anything about guidelines or "acting" in any manner? I think the entire point has gone over your head.

 

[sleuthiness]

Option B) She creates the thread, but you ignore it since you are above it.

I will once I get the answers to these questions:
Why do boys get all weird as they age?
Where's Walt Disney's head stored?
What's the deal with black people?

 

[sleuthiness]

Must have hit a nerve :rolli:

No, summer job is over. LOL.