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  1. #81
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Well, from the answers I got, it looks like I'm not really doing much wrong. I just need to be patient and keep doing what I'm doing and the right girl will appear eventually.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  2. #82
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by runvardh View Post
    Well, from the answers I got, it looks like I'm not really doing much wrong. I just need to be patient and keep doing what I'm doing and the right girl will appear eventually.
    And the right girl may not look like the right girl at first! That's why friendships before dating help because then you get to know the person without being too invested in them. Maybe the trick is just find the right emotional distance for both of you and get to know them better from that vantage point. Slowly the distance will shrink and voila.

    From what I believe, relationships shouldn't be a main goal. At least for me, if I have romantic feelings for someone, my brash pseudo-ESTP confidence just crumbles, I stutter too much, and my mind hits a wall. That doesn't look attractive at all
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  3. #83
    Senior Member SciVo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    Good idea. Here's another good idea: Make your actions congruent to the level of emotion you feel for her. Early on when you have a bit of a crush, use that to try and ask her on a date. That way your crush can grow into love within the context of a romantic relationship. Much healthier that way. And if she's not interested romantically, it's only a crush that needs to be revoked, not some form of love. It's much easier to realign to friendship or simply move on at that point.
    Yes. That. I was friends with lots of women in college, because I didn't know better -- I mean actually hanging out and doing things together, real friends, not just friendly acquaintances who frequently saw each other in a neutral context -- and it was a horrible mistake that I refuse to repeat.

    Fortunately, nothing like this xkcd strip actually happened; it was just a form of self-inflicted torture, being so emotionally intimate with attractive women without actually having a romantic relationship with them. Click on the comic to see it in its natural habitat:

    INFP ~ Fi/Ne/Ni/Te ~ 9-2-4 sp/so

  4. #84
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SciVo View Post
    Yes. That. I was friends with lots of women in college, because I didn't know better -- I mean actually hanging out and doing things together, real friends, not just friendly acquaintances who frequently saw each other in a neutral context -- and it was a horrible mistake that I refuse to repeat.

    Fortunately, nothing like this xkcd strip actually happened; it was just a form of self-inflicted torture, being so emotionally intimate with attractive women without actually having a romantic relationship with them. Click on the comic to see it in its natural habitat:
    Well once you hit a certain point of closeness maybe the question 'hay wana b BF/GF?' could be a good course of action. Although if they say no it hurts even worse than if it was way at the beginning.
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  5. #85
    Senior Member Synapse's Avatar
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    Imagine this.



    Then reverse this for INFP males.

    Hypothetically.

    1. You are a woman who remained single for 10-20 years without attention and is single, would you start to have unrealistic expectations of men, over think, over analyze, be nice, clingy and whiny and give men special properties they don't deserve, idolize them maybe. Would this distort a persons way of thinking?

    2. You are a man with high emotional intelligence. You have been lonely for 10-20 years, your inability to express your emotional intelligence with your peers exaggerates your emotions and loneliness. You start talking with women and you wonder why the ladies run away.

    3. Then if a man who has been single for a long time is constantly in the friend zone getting to know women without action or initiative and starts being manipulative in wanting sex this is a turn off.

    Then a man who has slept with lots of women, rarely stays in the friend zone and rarely gets to know women emotionally, wants sex all the time and gets sex all the time this is seen as a turn on.

    I want to know what the difference is.

    Cheers and thanks.

  6. #86
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Synapse View Post
    I want to know what the difference is.
    The difference in what, Syn? Why women find friends that try to manipulate them into having sex a turn off, but find men that sleep around a turn on? (I assume the oversimplification was intentional.)

    The simple answer is that women find the first man weak, and the second man powerful. They may not like the second man, but there is something very sexual about such blatant power. Many women find it to be a turn on. They may like the first guy, but there's nothing sexual about a weak-willed man.

  7. #87
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Synapse View Post
    Imagine this.



    Then reverse this for INFP males.

    Hypothetically.

    1. You are a woman who remained single for 10-20 years without attention and is single, would you start to have unrealistic expectations of men, over think, over analyze, be nice, clingy and whiny and give men special properties they don't deserve, idolize them maybe. Would this distort a persons way of thinking?
    I think women in this category would do the the opposite, for the most part. Become more independent, and probably visualize the reality of living her life alone, not meeting Mr Right at all. I think younger women who haven't lived much yet are more clingy, whiny, and dependent, looking for a man to idolize, hence the cliche older man/younger woman syndrome.

    2. You are a man with high emotional intelligence. You have been lonely for 10-20 years, your inability to express your emotional intelligence with your peers exaggerates your emotions and loneliness. You start talking with women and you wonder why the ladies run away.
    What? You went out one time? srsly. You just aren't meeting the right type of women. It takes a lot of getting-out-there time doing-different-activities time to meet the right woman/women. You have to give it a long time to happen maybe, but they are there. You can make this more efficient by knowing what type(s) you are attracted to, and getting out in the world.

    3. Then if a man who has been single for a long time is constantly in the friend zone getting to know women without action or initiative and starts being manipulative in wanting sex this is a turn off.
    Friend zone is good. It's like your little black book. Continue to look for Ms. Right but don't ignore your gfs because one of them could turn into Ms. Right--circumstances change. Know when and when not to inititiate physical contact. Trust your intuition here. Don't talk to women when you are super randy......you don't want to be thinking totally with your #$%^!

    Then a man who has slept with lots of women, rarely stays in the friend zone and rarely gets to know women emotionally, wants sex all the time and gets sex all the time this is seen as a turn on.
    For some women. Go figure. What udog said. But those relationships aren't really about building a long-term foundation, are they?

    I want to know what the difference is.

    Cheers and thanks.
    Ni/Ti/Fe/Si
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    ~Torah observant, Christ inspired~
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    The more one loves God, the more it is that having nothing in the world means everything, and the less one loves God, the more it is that having everything in the world means nothing.

    Do not resist an evil person, but to him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer also the other. ~Matthew 5:39

    songofmary.wordpress.com


  8. #88
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skyward View Post
    And the right girl may not look like the right girl at first! That's why friendships before dating help because then you get to know the person without being too invested in them. Maybe the trick is just find the right emotional distance for both of you and get to know them better from that vantage point. Slowly the distance will shrink and voila.

    From what I believe, relationships shouldn't be a main goal. At least for me, if I have romantic feelings for someone, my brash pseudo-ESTP confidence just crumbles, I stutter too much, and my mind hits a wall. That doesn't look attractive at all
    See, the problem is I want sex - badly. Also, when I engage in it I get attached quick. Such is the way I work and I have to deal with myself accordingly.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  9. #89
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Synapse View Post
    Hypothetically.

    1. You are a woman who remained single for 10-20 years without attention and is single, would you start to have unrealistic expectations of men, over think, over analyze, be nice, clingy and whiny and give men special properties they don't deserve, idolize them maybe. Would this distort a persons way of thinking?

    2. You are a man with high emotional intelligence. You have been lonely for 10-20 years, your inability to express your emotional intelligence with your peers exaggerates your emotions and loneliness. You start talking with women and you wonder why the ladies run away.

    3. Then if a man who has been single for a long time is constantly in the friend zone getting to know women without action or initiative and starts being manipulative in wanting sex this is a turn off.

    Then a man who has slept with lots of women, rarely stays in the friend zone and rarely gets to know women emotionally, wants sex all the time and gets sex all the time this is seen as a turn on.

    I want to know what the difference is.

    Cheers and thanks.

    I have a feeling the lonely man is only seeing the "players" succeed because it justifies his paranoia and situation. His perspective is distorted. He's blind to all the good guys who are succeeding. If he saw them he'd have to admit to himself where he has gone wrong, and he could no longer be the martyr.

    I also notice a blaming of other people (mainly women) for this lonely man's problems. It's their fault he is not getting attention from women, their fault he cannot express himself, their fault he is in the "friend zone", etc. Why does he not evaluate his own actions & how they lead to these results?

    It seems some honest self-analysis and changes are needed. Often, guys like this see becoming a "bad boy" as the solution, but that's the easy way. That's basically a wolf coming out of it's sheep costume. The anger and bitterness towards women was already there, and women were smelling it from a mile away, but it's worse when it's mixed with being clingy. The hard way is to change your perspective for the positive, to acknowledge your flaws without glossing them over (I'm too "nice" - uh huh), to see women as individual humans and not a homogeneous mass, etc. That's the way that pays off in the long run.

    Also, in my personal observations, guys who complain about not being able to nab a gf also have ridiculously high standards. They often have little to offer in any area, but want some gorgeous, brilliant woman to chase after them.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  10. #90
    Senior Member rainoneventide's Avatar
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    Believe me, you may see a lot of women with the typical "player" guy who attracts the opposite sex like flies to honey (couldn't think of a better analogy, lol), but when it comes down to having an actual relationship and the possibility of marriage and raising a family, I think most healthy women will definitely settle with the "nice" guy. This can be proved biologically, too. (Google it.)

    It's not the fact that you're an INFP or a "nice guy" that's giving you trouble, it's the fact that you aren't confident in yourself around women.

    I think if you try working on your confidence a little each day, you won't feel as if you need to get in a serious relationship with every girl you become close to. You'll know that you are capable of finding and choosing your own partner.
    "So I say, live and let live. Thats my motto. Live and let live.
    Anyone who cant go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker."
    - George Carlin

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