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  1. #1
    Junior Member refinnej30's Avatar
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    Default INFJ overthinking and overfeeling questions

    I am in a time of waiting right now and I am searching for answers to the issues in my life to make things better, so here goes...

    I always have to have several options mapped out before I take action. Then I analyze what could happen from those, count the cost and become overwhelmed and do the same ole same ole. I know it's because I sound like a bubbling idiot if I don't plan. I am not smooth on the fly, more like choppy seas.

    I still don't know what I want out of life, too many possibilities. I married an ESTJ (13 years) and we are kinda like oil and water, but it works. Not a touchy feely relationship. He is a good man, just really rough on my tender INFJ parts. He says I start things without finishing, am uncaring and distant. I seem to gravitate towards ESTJs. I have tons (TONS) in my life, most of them just rub me the wrong way. What am I searching for in an ESTJ if all I want is a nice peaceful life full of substance? I don't want to be alone, I want a deep relationship with my husband.

    I have recently figured out I have been motivated by fear, rough childhood. I overthink to cover every single base so there are no bad suprises. Then out of no where I am crying and I don't have a clue...yes I am rambling. I have an issue with anger. Afraid I'll hurt someone so I turn it inward. Trying to use it to write and paint.

    Back to questions. How do you CONSTRUCTIVELY deal with over thinking and emotional overload? I have been diagnosed with ADHD and my mind goes 1000 miles a second. Is that a INFJ thing? I don't feel complete. I don't know how I am suposed to live out my purpose. I know what it is, just not how to go about living it. The deep relationships I make get tainted (they fall in love with me and I end it) or being a military wife we move or they move. I hate starting over (moving soon again) and I've isolated myself, even for an INFJ.

    Thanks

  2. #2
    Patron Saint Of Smileys Gloriana's Avatar
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    I relate to what you wrote very much. I just wrote a thread about my own struggles with DOING instead of THINKING so much. I think it's over on the psychology forum, I got some great advice there if you want to check it out.

    I don't have ADHD but my mind is perpetually going and going. Some days there is so much going through it that it's like I can't function even if I wanted to, I won't even be able to figure out how to make a box of macaroni and cheese because I'm so consumed with thoughts (usually when it's consuming like that, it is thoughts about choices or how to find solutions to challenging problems).

    It happens less for me than it used to when I was younger, and I will say that cognitive therapy techniques really, really turned me around in a huge way. I didn't even go to a therapist for it, I just read this book called 'Feeling Good' and it just WORKED (the title of the book sounds so uber-cheesy, but I don't consider it a pop-psychology work).

    It helped me organize my thoughts more and it helped me weed out a lot of what I call "junk thought". It goes into recognizing false perceptions and distortions that can be made about the world around us, stuff that isn't as pressing or relevant as it might seem when it's floating around inside the head with a million other thoughts getting in the way.

    I'd say maybe give it a read (I think most libraries carry it now, you wouldn't even have to buy it) and see if there's anything in it that you can use to help get a clearer head. It is aimed mainly at folks suffering from depression, but I personally think it can work for ANYONE who struggles with focus and anxieties.

    Like I said, I still have those days where the thoughts overwhelm me, but they're so much fewer and far between now than they were. Hope that helps!!
    "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard, and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you...amazing things will happen" --Conan O'Brien

  3. #3
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gloriana View Post
    I relate to what you wrote very much. I just wrote a thread about my own struggles with DOING instead of THINKING so much. I think it's over on the psychology forum, I got some great advice there if you want to check it out.

    I don't have ADHD but my mind is perpetually going and going. Some days there is so much going through it that it's like I can't function even if I wanted to, I won't even be able to figure out how to make a box of macaroni and cheese because I'm so consumed with thoughts (usually when it's consuming like that, it is thoughts about choices or how to find solutions to challenging problems).

    It happens less for me than it used to when I was younger, and I will say that cognitive therapy techniques really, really turned me around in a huge way. I didn't even go to a therapist for it, I just read this book called 'Feeling Good' and it just WORKED (the title of the book sounds so uber-cheesy, but I don't consider it a pop-psychology work).

    It helped me organize my thoughts more and it helped me weed out a lot of what I call "junk thought". It goes into recognizing false perceptions and distortions that can be made about the world around us, stuff that isn't as pressing or relevant as it might seem when it's floating around inside the head with a million other thoughts getting in the way.

    I'd say maybe give it a read (I think most libraries carry it now, you wouldn't even have to buy it) and see if there's anything in it that you can use to help get a clearer head. It is aimed mainly at folks suffering from depression, but I personally think it can work for ANYONE who struggles with focus and anxieties.

    Like I said, I still have those days where the thoughts overwhelm me, but they're so much fewer and far between now than they were. Hope that helps!!
    This was a really good post, IMO, and the book sounds like it has good advice (since I've never read it).

    I think a way to help ease the emotional and mental strain is to just find a way to distract your mind from the problems for a while and then hopefully when it comes back to it the answer is clearer. This is how my mind works with nearly every hard situation. It gets wrapped up in this current view and then twists itself in a knot. If I go read something interesting for a while, chat with a friend about an interesting subject, or just nap, I can come back to the situation more clear-headedly.

    Also, don't ignore the awesomeness that is venting. If there is someone you can turn to for the support, let them support you for a while until you get your legs back under you. It isn't wrong to be weak sometimes. It takes balls to show your weaknesses and it takes a level head to decide who to show them to
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Kyrielle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by refinnej30 View Post
    I still don't know what I want out of life, too many possibilities. I married an ESTJ (13 years) and we are kinda like oil and water, but it works. Not a touchy feely relationship. He is a good man, just really rough on my tender INFJ parts.
    How is he rough on you?

    He says I start things without finishing, am uncaring and distant.
    This doesn't sound good. Have you asked him why he thinks these things? If not, you need to ask him and ask for specific examples.

    I seem to gravitate towards ESTJs. I have tons (TONS) in my life, most of them just rub me the wrong way. What am I searching for in an ESTJ if all I want is a nice peaceful life full of substance? I don't want to be alone, I want a deep relationship with my husband.
    Why do "ESTJs" rub you the wrong way? How do they do so?

    How clear and open would you say your communication with each other is?

    Are you both aware of each other's expectations for the other? And have you discussed what is and is not reasonable about those expectations?

    Do you accept each other?

    Do you both talk about issues that are bothering each of you? Do you try to resolve them? Or do you sweep them under the rug and ignore them?

    Do you share information with each other? Do things together? Are interested in each other's interests?
    "I took the one less traveled by,
    And that has made all the difference."

    Robert Frost

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by refinnej30 View Post
    I am in a time of waiting right now and I am searching for answers to the issues in my life to make things better, so here goes...

    I always have to have several options mapped out before I take action. Then I analyze what could happen from those, count the cost and become overwhelmed and do the same ole same ole. I know it's because I sound like a bubbling idiot if I don't plan. I am not smooth on the fly, more like choppy seas.

    I still don't know what I want out of life, too many possibilities. I married an ESTJ (13 years) and we are kinda like oil and water, but it works. Not a touchy feely relationship. He is a good man, just really rough on my tender INFJ parts. He says I start things without finishing, am uncaring and distant. I seem to gravitate towards ESTJs. I have tons (TONS) in my life, most of them just rub me the wrong way. What am I searching for in an ESTJ if all I want is a nice peaceful life full of substance? I don't want to be alone, I want a deep relationship with my husband.

    I have recently figured out I have been motivated by fear, rough childhood. I overthink to cover every single base so there are no bad suprises. Then out of no where I am crying and I don't have a clue...yes I am rambling. I have an issue with anger. Afraid I'll hurt someone so I turn it inward. Trying to use it to write and paint.

    Back to questions. How do you CONSTRUCTIVELY deal with over thinking and emotional overload? I have been diagnosed with ADHD and my mind goes 1000 miles a second. Is that a INFJ thing? I don't feel complete. I don't know how I am suposed to live out my purpose. I know what it is, just not how to go about living it. The deep relationships I make get tainted (they fall in love with me and I end it) or being a military wife we move or they move. I hate starting over (moving soon again) and I've isolated myself, even for an INFJ.

    Thanks

    Sounds exactly like me.
    I personally cope with it by doing something artistic. Something strongly utilizes my Ni and to some extent Se. It sounds like you are in a Ni-Ti over-thinking, over emotional loop. I was like this for a very long type because I was under stress, mentally unhealthy. I also get no where if I don't plan. I think, think, think, but there is no do, no production.That's me in a rut. I need the structure and Ni activities to keep me sane. I would advise you to find something that does not involve Ti or Fe. Something that is almost meditative in quality, kind of like turning off your conscious mind. Sometimes you need to tune that chatter out in a good way. Otherwise it will drive you mad/ into a rut. If you find something that keeps you sane you will be able to achieve what you want. Our minds are brilliant at times, but can drive us to the brink of insanity.

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