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  1. #1
    Senior Member Misty_Mountain_Rose's Avatar
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    Default INFJ Grudges? * help please :( *

    My sister tests as an INFJ, and it seems to fit... but the thing that frustrates me when I try to learn about this type is that I only seem to get things like:

    - We're mysterious
    - We're private
    - We're self-conscious

    ... and that's it.

    I'm trying to understand my sisters ability to hold a grudge... for years. She can stay really and truly angry about something that happened months and months ago if she feels like she was slighted by someone who didn't take her feelings into consideration.

    Example:

    My mothers husband passed away 8 months ago. They'd been together 20 years, and people suspected that my sister was truly this man's daughter, and not my Father's daughter. It was not until he was ill in the hospital (and he did not recover but passed away within a few days) that DNA tests were done and it was proven that he was her father.

    She's been blocking everyone out from the internal hurt she's dealing with from not ever finding out sooner so she could have known her father truly as 'Dad'. Her only repeated comment to us when she found out for sure was "... MY parents WEREN'T divorced..."

    The week before Fathers day, my Mom came to TN from NY to stay with me for a few days because she needed an escape from the house. While she was here, she texted back and forth with my sister(s) like always, and told this INFJ sister that she'd probably come back on X day (which was the day after Fathers day, but neither myself or my Mom really thought about it as being 'The day AFTER Fathers day'). My sister sent back a smiley text saying OK! Have fun! and then regaled our mother when she got home because she wasn't there for her on Fathers day.

    She is still angry with my Mother about this.

    In my mind, I understand that she needed Mom to be there, but there has been a kind of recurring 'guilt trip' that she's been laying on Mom since the funeral. With everything Mom does to try to move on or live her life, my sister lashes out at her... which is new because her and Mom have always been very, very close. (Mom is ISFJ) Mom apologized and acknowledged that it didn't occur to her (in her own grief) that my sister would need her there, but months have passed and she still hangs on to it as if it happened yesterday.

    This is an extreme example (and possibly even justifiable) but her normal behaviour, even in circumstances that aren't so serious, is to hang on to these feelings of injustice or anger as if her own identity depends on it. She jumps to immediate conclusions (VERY F based conclusions) and refuses to consider another side of the story. Its as if she believes that by acknowledging that there are other factors diminishes her feelings or reduces them? Its difficult for me to understand, and sometimes my patience runs thin with her. I want to shake her by the shoulders and tell her to listen to herself sometimes. Its beyond stubborn... beyond a refusal to negotiate. The snap judgement that she makes will be with her seemingly forever... and with the same intensity.

    Is this typical for INFJs?? Do you hold grudges? Are you able to look at other peoples' sides of things and think objectively or do you get bogged down in the initial impression?

    I'm not sure how to help her through the ordeal with her father because she won't let anyone in... but sometimes I'm afraid to talk to her because she gets so angry so quickly... so defensive. (She's always been like that). If there is anyone in our family who would not speak to someone for 20 years over a small argument, it would be her.

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  2. #2
    Kraken down on piracy Lux's Avatar
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    This is an extreme example (and possibly even justifiable) but her normal behaviour, even in circumstances that aren't so serious, is to hang on to these feelings of injustice or anger as if her own identity depends on it
    I don't think is common on the INFJ personality. I'm not like that at all. I will say I remember everything hurtful but I don't hold grudges over the hurt if I can tell the person in question is truly sorry.

    She jumps to immediate conclusions (VERY F based conclusions) and refuses to consider another side of the story.
    No again. With me if nothing else I think of every perspective until it makes me crazy.

    Is this typical for INFJs?? Do you hold grudges? Are you able to look at other peoples' sides of things and think objectively or do you get bogged down in the initial impression?
    Same answer as above.

    I'm not sure how to help her through the ordeal with her father because she won't let anyone in... but sometimes I'm afraid to talk to her because she gets so angry so quickly... so defensive. (She's always been like that). If there is anyone in our family who would not speak to someone for 20 years over a small argument, it would be her.
    I don't this doesn't sound like me at all. Everyone is different, do you know for sure she's an INFJ? Not that we can't be like that but it's very different from myself and I have dealt with difficult family issues in my life.

  3. #3
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Did Mom ever tell her why there wasn't a paternity test until he was on his deathbed? Did Mom know that he was the father?

    As for holding grudges, no I don't do that even though I may still feel hurt years later. However, I will cross people out of my life which appears to some that I am holding a grudge when it is really just that I see no point in having these people in my life.

  4. #4
    lurking.... Wyst's Avatar
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    If she is an INFJ, she's a an extremely underdeveloped INFJ. The fits of anger don't match with any INFJs I know, myself included.

    Yes, INFJs do get angry but that will get bottled up and will only be leak out in a meltdown of some kind - which doesn't sound like what you're talking about at all.

    Anger can, however, be used as a cover up. A way to sabotage a discussion that an INFJ wants to avoid or cut short. Earlier in your original post, you mentioned:

    She's been blocking everyone out from the internal hurt she's dealing with...
    My guess is that this is the main root. Everything that has come up since has just been a branches coming off the main root accentuating her pain from not being able to know her father as 'Dad'. And the whole text business surrounding Father's Day couldn't have helped much.

    So perhaps she's deflecting. Rather than having a conversation about her pain she's taking up offenses where there really is none. As long as she decides to be angry about something/at someone, it will help empower her from having to deal with the pain under the surface.

    I'm just laying her situation over my life and interpreting how I would have reacted - but I could be way off from what's actually going on.

  5. #5
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    Oki where do I start. I can understand where this is coming from. coz I personally still hold a grudge against my mother who manupilated a situation big time and broke off my relationship which she later regreted and applogised but it was kinda too late ( long story which is hard to explain over a thread coz it involves aspects to Sri Lankan (asian) cultural aspects etc.

    Anyway at least for me the grudge and anger doesn't come from the actual incident but the fact that the closest person to you in life hid/lied something from you/ intentionally manipulated a situation etc. (coz INFJ don't necessarily reveal all of their emotions to many, only a very few trusted and by this I mean VERY few. In my case I've only ever trusted my mother (ISFP) to tell basically everything and anything. Anyone else I would screen the info. About my anger, I don't get angry very much, but if something really big happens that anger which comes though extreme hurt would be with me. BUt in my situ Ive learned to control it and let go and have only occasionally lashed at her. ( but unfortunately it has stuck with me, the hurt not anger of her manipulation) But I try even to get rid of that..

    As for helping her, I think it's best letting her deal with it her self. Having an INTJ brother my self I know this moodiness irritates you, but unless you side with her and then diplomatically try to make her understand your mothers perspective/ reasons I would discourage you getting caught to a storm!
    Try to take a 'feeling' approach logical reasoning would not help as she's probably feeling betrayed.

    I don't know the strength of your INTJ preferences but it may help chatting or something that apporaching this in a verbal way ( both INTJ/ INFJ don't like verbalising their emotions too much so this might be a better approach)

    Anyways behind the anger and hurt remember that INFJ loves their family and however she may be acting up she loves her family dearly

  6. #6
    Senior Member Misty_Mountain_Rose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    Did Mom ever tell her why there wasn't a paternity test until he was on his deathbed? Did Mom know that he was the father?

    As for holding grudges, no I don't do that even though I may still feel hurt years later. However, I will cross people out of my life which appears to some that I am holding a grudge when it is really just that I see no point in having these people in my life.
    The details are long and confusing, but suffice it to say that all of us girls knew from a young age that it was possible that she was his daughter. Not wanting to create hard-feelings amongst us, my Mother and her father never pushed the issue. As she grew older, they had more talks about it, and they revealed that it was 'more than likely' that she was his daughter. They talked about having DNA testing done a lot in the year before he passed away, but never did it. My sister was afraid of how the rest of us would feel about finding out for SURE that she was in fact our half-sister. Even though the test was given while he was alive, he passed away before she got the results... which has to be hard. A very bittersweet kind of ordeal for her to realize that she had both of her parents in her life as a real family for 20 years but never actually KNEW it for a fact.

    Current situation aside though, she's always been very... explosive? She isn't violent or anything of the sort, but her reactions to things she doesn't want to hear or doesn't agree with are VERY strong and very abrupt. She'll cut you off and refuse to listen to anything else once she reaches that point... and it seems to come quickly with almost no provocation.

    However it might sound, the love amongst us is very strong. We are all there for each other and care about the others very much... but dealing with these stubborn denials of opinions different from her own, and the subsequent grudge that ensues from it is difficult to swallow for me. Like I said above, I've almost resorted to not discussing anything of any importance with her for fear that if I say the wrong thing she'll write me out of her life.

    (And lets face it, INTJ isn't the most subtle of creatures and I inadvertently hurt feelings sometimes like a bull in a china shop)
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  7. #7
    Free-Rangin' Librarian Jae Rae's Avatar
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    Look at it this way - all of you now know that she's really your half-sister. She's having an identity crisis on top of grieving for her father. Perhaps it really was better for you all not to know for sure, but she's probably thinking the test wasn't done because of embarrassment, i.e., other people's feelings were considered over hers. And her father, at whom she could have been angry for not coming forward for 20 years, is now dead, so she's giving your mom a double dose.

    You're talking about a major identity/trust issue, not being stood up for a coffee date. It's going to take some time. If your mom could write to your sister and explain her feelings, that might help. It also would help if she emphasized that she loves your sister and knows it's going to take time for her to get used to the facts in the situation.

    Your sister is grieving about a profound piece of her life. Has therapy been considered?
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  8. #8
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    outrageous to try and say it's not an INFJ thing to hold grudges. just outrageous!

    they like, founded and run the national university of grudge holding! srsly!
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  9. #9
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    outrageous to try and say it's not an INFJ thing to hold grudges. just outrageous!

    they like, founded and run the national university of grudge holding! srsly!
    I knew you'd jump on this thread if you saw it. But your personal experiences with a couple of INFJs is not indicative of all or even most INFJs' behavior. Obviously.

  10. #10
    Kraken down on piracy Lux's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    outrageous to try and say it's not an INFJ thing to hold grudges. just outrageous!

    they like, founded and run the national university of grudge holding! srsly!
    Really? I can honestly say I don't hold grudges... Although I don't forget the incident(s). I'll forgive someone but I don't forget what happened. A grudge is a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment, so if forgiveness is thrown into the mix it's no longer a grudge.

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