My sister tests as an INFJ, and it seems to fit... but the thing that frustrates me when I try to learn about this type is that I only seem to get things like:
- We're mysterious
- We're private
- We're self-conscious
... and that's it.
I'm trying to understand my sisters ability to hold a grudge... for years. She can stay really and truly angry about something that happened months and months ago if she feels like she was slighted by someone who didn't take her feelings into consideration.
My mothers husband passed away 8 months ago. They'd been together 20 years, and people suspected that my sister was truly this man's daughter, and not my Father's daughter. It was not until he was ill in the hospital (and he did not recover but passed away within a few days) that DNA tests were done and it was proven that he was her father.
She's been blocking everyone out from the internal hurt she's dealing with from not ever finding out sooner so she could have known her father truly as 'Dad'. Her only repeated comment to us when she found out for sure was "... MY parents WEREN'T divorced..."
The week before Fathers day, my Mom came to TN from NY to stay with me for a few days because she needed an escape from the house. While she was here, she texted back and forth with my sister(s) like always, and told this INFJ sister that she'd probably come back on X day (which was the day after Fathers day, but neither myself or my Mom really thought about it as being 'The day AFTER Fathers day'). My sister sent back a smiley text saying OK! Have fun! and then regaled our mother when she got home because she wasn't there for her on Fathers day.
She is still angry with my Mother about this.
In my mind, I understand that she needed Mom to be there, but there has been a kind of recurring 'guilt trip' that she's been laying on Mom since the funeral. With everything Mom does to try to move on or live her life, my sister lashes out at her... which is new because her and Mom have always been very, very close. (Mom is ISFJ) Mom apologized and acknowledged that it didn't occur to her (in her own grief) that my sister would need her there, but months have passed and she still hangs on to it as if it happened yesterday.
This is an extreme example (and possibly even justifiable) but her normal behaviour, even in circumstances that aren't so serious, is to hang on to these feelings of injustice or anger as if her own identity depends on it. She jumps to immediate conclusions (VERY F based conclusions) and refuses to consider another side of the story. Its as if she believes that by acknowledging that there are other factors diminishes her feelings or reduces them? Its difficult for me to understand, and sometimes my patience runs thin with her. I want to shake her by the shoulders and tell her to listen to herself sometimes. Its beyond stubborn... beyond a refusal to negotiate. The snap judgement that she makes will be with her seemingly forever... and with the same intensity.
Is this typical for INFJs?? Do you hold grudges? Are you able to look at other peoples' sides of things and think objectively or do you get bogged down in the initial impression?
I'm not sure how to help her through the ordeal with her father because she won't let anyone in... but sometimes I'm afraid to talk to her because she gets so angry so quickly... so defensive. (She's always been like that). If there is anyone in our family who would not speak to someone for 20 years over a small argument, it would be her.