I am having a hard time trying to explain how this works for me, because I can very easily see other people's perspectives but I can also sometimes be unreasonable. It isn't exactly like holding a grudge most of the time, I don't think. Right now a word picture is the best I can do.
I'm either all the way in with someone or all the way out. I don't have an in between. It's sort of like being a turtle who can't come out of their shell. I can't just stick my head, feet, and tail out and then pull them back in really quick if there is danger. I can either shut you out of my shell or I can let you into my shell.
If I'm hurt I'm not going to let you into my shell until I'm feeling better, but I can't stick my head out either. And I can't let you back into my shell until I feel it's safe to go give you free access to all of my tender bits and vitals.
Sometimes, when I really care about the person that hurt me, it's hard to keep them out long enough to heal myself because I can hear them out there feeling hurt by me, and my only defense against that is to remember the hurt and hang on to the anger.
If I don't hear the person out there feeling bad, I can concentrate on healing up. If I do hear them, I have to keep the anger so I don't let them in before I'm ready and it makes it take longer.
I wish I wasn't like that. I don't like it and it doesn't feel good, but I don't know how to be different.