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  1. #31
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    If you come to the realization that you don't naturally jive with another person, or see eye to eye with them, why in the world would you continue making an effort and why would you WANT to be around them? It seems natural if you're not that into someone, that you don't necessarily want to bump into them, but seeing that you don't in fact think they're a horrible person, why wouldn't you continue to be pleasant or the like if you do bump into them? [...] Once I learn I'm not that into someone (whether it be because they hurt me at some point, or it just surfaces gradually over time), or we're not great together, why would I logically still hang out with them? It makes no sense.
    Quote Originally Posted by sanveane View Post
    If someone had hurt me I wouldn't want to carry on a trench warfare but being a private person I won't be inviting them into my little world anytime soon either. It's a function of being a private style of person with limited energy for others. Unless you are an intimate of mine you will get polite reserve. I would not kick up a fuss if someone I didn't like was in my circle of acquaintances. I would put up with them as I would expect them to put up with me and just not interact much because I don't enjoy their company.

    It's not a grudge, there's no resentment, it's me being selective about who my social energy goes towards. (It's limited after all.) I may be different for people who are energized by others, but I watch who I connect with as it can be very draining with people I don't enjoy being around.
    +1000 to both of these.

    And also, if a person hurt you and you are the kind of person who internalizes feelings deeply, it is hard to be around them. It's difficult because the memory of the hurt comes back. Even if you've forgiven them, and might even want to restore the relationship, the hurt may still be there. Yes, INFJs may be prone to avoidant behavior because of this and the quoted explanations. They may eventually heal and be able to interact with the person who has hurt them, but it takes time.

  2. #32
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    +1000 to both of these.

    And also, if a person hurt you and you are the kind of person who internalizes feelings deeply, it is hard to be around them. It's difficult because the memory of the hurt comes back. Even if you've forgiven them, the hurt may still be there. Yes, INFJs may be prone to avoidant behavior because of this and the quoted explanations. They may eventually heal and be able to interact with the person who has hurt them, but it takes time.
    Thank you. So in the end, you've said my very point yourself!

    THAT is the behaviour that comes across to the other person as holding a grudge against them for whatever it was they did "wrong".
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

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  3. #33
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    Thank you. So in the end, you've said my very point yourself!

    THAT is the behaviour that comes across to the other person as holding a grudge against them for whatever it was they did "wrong".
    No, you're not getting it.

    It is not about the person and how much the INFJ dislikes them. It is about the hurt. These are two separate things.

    People will interpret behavior however they wish, and no one can control that. But it's not a grudge if you're not holding in ill feelings towards the other person.

  4. #34
    Senior Member Alpha Prime's Avatar
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    Misty_Mountain_Rose, I don't envy your situation. INFJ's I know can't be reasoned with.

    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    outrageous to try and say it's not an INFJ thing to hold grudges. just outrageous!

    they like, founded and run the national university of grudge holding! srsly!
    Unhealthy* ones.

    Quote Originally Posted by sanveane View Post
    You really must have known some toxic ones Sub the way you talk about INFJs.
    I have yet to meet a healthy and interesting infj. Do they even exist? If so, they are few. Truth be told, I don't like most infj's.



    *Unhealthy: Unskilled with emotions. Unable to see reason and grasp vital facts. Self-destructive. Passive aggressive.
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  5. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Misty_Mountain_Rose View Post
    Awww, thanks for the incoming hugs We don't get those much in the NT section... I might have to hang out with you guys more!

    So what I'm gathering here is that while the NF may have moved on and aren't actively exerting energy into being angry at someone, it could appear that way to outsiders by their decision to not interact with the person as much. Aye?

    That makes sense with friendships I've seen her have over the years... she doesn't have 'enemies', but she does 'drift away' from those who lose her trust.
    Yup. If someone loses my trust it takes a great deal of work by both parties to re-establish. INFJs really do bond deeply with the people we are close to because we show them a private side of ourselves generally not on display. (Our typically very rich inner world.) Which requires that we trust the other person. If that is violated somehow or we feel we misread someone in the first place it is a terrible feeling. A mixture of feeling supremely foolish and exposed.

    In addition to that, I really do prefer to remain aloof unless I resonate with someone or vice versa.

    (Also, moar *hugs*)

    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    cascadesco - well I didn't really mean when it's just a general personality clash. I mean more like when people get along fine, then one person says something that even unintentionally upsets the INFJ, and then from then on they lose them, really, as a friend. It will look to that person like the INFJ is holding a grudge against them because they made one possibly innocent mistake.

    sanveane - yeah, I've seen that sorta thing. it can be quite hurtful really, for the person who didn't mean to hurt you and still likes you and was your friend and still wants to be, but they see the gates are now permanently closed. just something to think about there.
    I am very considered in my interactions. If someone were to ever acknowledge they hurt me and wanted to make it up I think I would be just fine if they wanted to work on our relationship together (provided they were genuine). But it wouldn't be an immediate return to how things were and would take work and time to get back to that place. I foresee that under those circumstances the relationship could be stronger than ever, in fact. Everyone makes blunders and someone's motivations typically hold far more weight for me than their actions.

  6. #36
    "Everything in its place" fill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    They may eventually heal and be able to interact with the person who has hurt them, but it takes time.
    Definitely. And when this does happen (at least for me), it's rather sudden. It's not a gradual thing, like the initial friendship itself, it's more like spending an entire day with the person to heal the relationship in one fell swoop.
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  7. #37
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Maybe it's my T-ness showing here, but I'm gonna go ahead and ask it. If the situation's been acknowledged and discussed over the years, and everyone was pretty sure that he was the dad anyway, including her and the dad, how does that change the relationship fundamentally? I mean, didn't she already have a father/daughter relationship with this man?
    Something Witty

  8. #38
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I can hold a grudge and/or doorslam for years. I can understand doing it under those circumstances because I didn't know who my dad was until I was 27. I still wish we'd done a DNA test because I don't entirely trust my mom.

    Cheating and lying are big deals. Someone who values authenticity is probably going to be strongly impacted by feeling as though they have been living a lie their whole life.

    Sometimes you need to pull back and process things for awhile and awhile for an INFJ could be a few years. She'll probably come round eventually.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
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  9. #39
    ish red no longer *sad* nightning's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    Thank you. So in the end, you've said my very point yourself!

    THAT is the behaviour that comes across to the other person as holding a grudge against them for whatever it was they did "wrong".
    Ummmm if you call reservation (maintain distance) the same as holding a grudge. Then okay I hold grudges. Like Cascade, I remain cordial to the person to make the interactions bearable. It's nothing more than social politeness. Beyond that I don't see the reason to spend more time and effort in making things "work". This is what's called the door-slam by others, it takes a lot to get to that stage though. What constitutes being wronged enough to warrant a door-slam... only one thing really. Warning given and advice not heed. I told you about the offense numerous times and you still violate it. If you make no attempt to change, I don't see why I should put in the effort for you either.

    So you can see how rare that is to happen. Typical INFJ behaviour maybe, but not a frequently exhibited one.


    Misty, your sister's behaviour is rather foreign to me. I don't intentionally get mad at somebody and stay mad. There are moments where I had enough and blow up, but it subsides. I guess during those times I might not be up to dealing with somebody else's perspective. In those cases, I withdraw from contact.

    I've been told by the rest of my family my favourite phrase is "Leave me alone". Not sure if I get defense... I suppose I can. In any rate I only stay in that mode for at most a few days. Certainly not year long or even month long grunges.
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  10. #40
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    Whether you're holding ill feelings towards the person or not, if whatever your thoughts or feelings are towards that person are kept to yourself and the only clue they have to go by is your behaviour towards them and that behaviour is to avoid them ever since they said something that offended you, then that other person will very, very likely perceive you to be holding a grudge.

    It's like I'm speaking Martian or something! Why does what I'm saying keep coming across as unreasonable? Do INFJ's not understand the concept that other people can't read minds?
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

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    I will kill you if I must
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