[ENFP] ENFP's and flirting

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

I know. It's crazy! I don't like him, although I did then but never let myself fall for him. I didn't know it was so deep for him though. He just kinda came out with it, asking me if he could talk to me....And yes, Facebook is the devil.

i read your other thread about it. did he really just get married, or been married a while? he sounds like he's gotten himself in too deep and is looking for a way out. what a bad boy! it's like he's totally willing to cheat with you. i guess he's still a playa, eh? his wife shoulda known better.

 

[Charmed Justice]

No, I have not confronted him. If you read from pages 13 and on, you will see my reason for it. i debate it in my head all the time, but the consensus seems to not confront at this point. If you have anything to add you can post over there. I've gotten mixed suggestions.

I mean, I want to confront this guy myself!! Seriously, I always give people the benefit of the doubt, believing most people are good, loving, and caring. I've rarely been let down. How old is this guy?

 

[thescientist]

I mean, I want to confront this guy myself!! Seriously, I always give people the benefit of the doubt, believing most people are good, loving, and caring. I've rarely been let down. How old is this guy?

He's 25.

 

[Charmed Justice]

i read your other thread about it. did he really just get married, or been married a while? he sounds like he's gotten himself in too deep and is looking for a way out. what a bad boy! it's like he's totally willing to cheat with you. i guess he's still a playa, eh? his wife shoulda known better.

Been married for a couple of years. Well here's the thing. He did used to tell me he loved me, but it was in such a way that made me give him the skeptics eyebrow. I'm thinking he was intentionally being ambiguous about it. He'd say "I love you" playfully, flirtatiously back then, but he said recently that he was never really able to "man up" about how he was really feeling.

I hope he wouldn't cheat on his wife, but I wouldn't put it past him. She's an ISFJ, real sweet girl from what I've seen, but it seems like he may have picked her because he assumes she is no threat to him in anyway.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

I mean, I want to confront this guy myself!! Seriously, I always give people the benefit of the doubt, believing most people are good, loving, and caring. I've rarely been let down. How old is this guy?

oh come on! he sounds like a selfish, immature dick who wants to get a zing wherever he can. what's so hard to believe about that? we may be perfect people, but we don't live in a perfect world.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Been married for a couple of years. Well here's the thing. He did used to tell me he loved me, but it was in such a way that made me give him the skeptics eyebrow. I'm thinking he was intentionally being ambiguous about it. He'd say "I love you" playfully, flirtatiously back then, but he said recently that he was never really able to "man up" about how he was really feeling.

I hope he wouldn't cheat on his wife, but I wouldn't put it past him. She's an ISFJ, real sweet girl from what I've seen, but it seems like he may have picked her because he assumes she is no threat to him in anyway.

see? just another way flirting misses the mark and causes problems.

 

[Charmed Justice]

oh come on! he sounds like a selfish, immature dick who wants to get a zing wherever he can. what's so hard to believe about that? we may be perfect people, but we don't live in a perfect world.

He sounds like that, but I like to get all the info before deciding against another person. That being said, if I've already decided someone is a jackass, and if his behavior was proving toxic to my heart or mind, I'd just stay away and tell him directly that I'd prefer he not engage me ever again.
Again, I like to have all the details(from the horse) before I get all drastic. That's just me. But I wouldn't allow a toxic, manipulative, hateful human to use me for entertainment while I silently suffered.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

He sounds like that, but I like to get all the info before deciding against another person. That being said, if I've already decided someone is a jackass, and if his behavior was proving toxic to my heart or mind, I'd just stay away and tell him directly that I'd prefer he not engage me ever again.
Again, I like to have all the details(from the horse) before I get all drastic. That's just me. But I wouldn't allow a toxic, manipulative, hateful human to use me for entertainment while I silently suffered.

that is very logical and makes good sense. but it doesn't work that way for all of us. if i am slowly cajoled in by wily foxey (flirty) moves, Ni/Fe/Te? enables me to see things with rose-colored glasses. to see someone behind their dicky behavior and forgive them for it. to give them the benefit of the doubt, usually too many times.

sometimes you are the one used. sometimes you use, inadvertently. it's not always clear cut.

 

[Charmed Justice]

that is very logical and makes good sense. but it doesn't work that way for all of us. if i am slowly cajoled in by wily foxey (flirty) moves, Ni/Fe/Te? enables me to see things with rose-colored glasses. to see someone behind their dicky behavior and forgive them for it. to give them the benefit of the doubt, usually too many times.

sometimes you are the one used. sometimes you use, inadvertently. it's not always clear cut.

So if you were to confront this guy, being in the position of the op, would you see it as being at the risk of being further manipulated?

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

So if you were to confront this guy, being in the position of the op, would you see it as being at the risk of being further manipulated?

i wouldn't confront. it's just not what i do. i give every benefit of every doubt, then accept reality illustrated by actions, long after i really should have moved on. why confront? you just allow further opportunities for lies or deception, with words.

 

[Charmed Justice]

He's 25.

According to Just Your Type, your best matches are: ENTJ, INTP, INFP, INFJ

Apparently your type is very rare, and also tends to be very serious. We ENFPs can be very serious, but we're kinda like the ESFPs of the NFers. We have the silly switch, and just don't assume that some people take things so much more seriously. Again, I wouldn't prescribe malicious intent to the guy. Almost half of the population is made up of happy go lucky SPs who are also flirtatious, so he is probably just more used to dealing with people who don't take him seriously. He may not understand how much you really like him. But anyway, if he's toxic to you, that's all that matters.

Have you read the book Love Types?

 

[CzeCze]

When I think someone is cute, I avoid them and dont make eye contact. This doesnt usually work out well

That's so cute! Do you blush too?

No really, because that's like pure adolescent harkening Fi at work.

You can parlay that into playful Ne bolstered flirting, if you want.

However I spend a lot of time living NeTe style. This means not only am I not open for others to make offers, I am also just not interested. It is a very practical, asexual sort of thing.

Oh I getcha. That area of you and your life is on lock down. It's kinda a protective mechanism. I think once you fall into a relationship/situation the cage doors go up automatically and you start melting that icy Fi. I think you'll find that just being easy and free becomes well...easier (and free-er) and your interaction with guys and flirting will become warmer and more fun. (???)

People can see the Fi leak out of the edges, they understand I care deeply for others but they dont mistake it for flirting.

Do people think you are a "T" irl? Or think you are 'cold' or 'cool headed' or 'hard'? I think some people irl think that I am a little calculated or not very warm, but they don't know me in a full context. Fi can seem really awkward, stand-offish, and straight up cold and uninviting. And with that Te tertiary, eesh.

Now-in the last six months I have really tried to be more open with Fi-and I have had a case where a man thought I was flirting. I immediately apologized and said how much respect i had for his wife and his marriage. But I could FEEL the transition in his behavior and in mine, very quickly, when it happened and immediately stop and clarify.

Good for you for noticing it and being responsible also good for you for being able to analyze what's going on. I'm not really sure though how Fi itself is flirtatious or lends itself to flirtatiousness, still sorting that out.

The fact that you know what flirting and that kind of interaction feels like means you pretty much have at least 1/2 of the equation. The other half is consciously turning that dynamic on and off.

 

[Charmed Justice]

i wouldn't confront. it's just not what i do. i give every benefit of every doubt, then accept reality illustrated by actions, long after i really should have moved on. why confront? you just allow further opportunities for lies or deception, with words.

But how has he lied to her? They went out, he expressed lots of interest, they made out, he's still flirting, but has decreased his displays of interest in other ways. It just seems like there is a misunderstanding and a difference in needs and communication. Seems like a question for manslations, but not a reason to demonize someone and make them into a liar and deceiver. I'd ask for clarification of the behavior. I'm an intuitive, but I'm no psychic. I'd prefer to give people the chance to explain themselves...IF, I really care enough about them to hear them out, and if I'm prepared to hear the truth(even if I don't like it). There have been times in my life when I haven't done this(and just assumed things about people-usually negative, usually wrong), and I have learned my lesson.

 

[sculpting]

That's so cute! Do you blush too?

No really, because that's like pure adolescent harkening Fi at work.

You can parlay that into playful Ne bolstered flirting, if you want.



Oh I getcha. That area of you and your life is on lock down. It's kinda a protective mechanism. I think once you fall into a relationship/situation the cage doors go up automatically and you start melting that icy Fi. I think you'll find that just being easy and free becomes well...easier (and free-er) and your interaction with guys and flirting will become warmer and more fun. (???)




Do people think you are a "T" irl? Or think you are 'cold' or 'cool headed' or 'hard'? I think some people irl think that I am a little calculated or not very warm, but they don't know me in a full context. Fi can seem really awkward, stand-offish, and straight up cold and uninviting. And with that Te tertiary, eesh.



Good for you for noticing it and being responsible also good for you for being able to analyze what's going on. I'm not really sure though how Fi itself is flirtatious or lends itself to flirtatiousness, still sorting that out.

The fact that you know what flirting and that kind of interaction feels like means you pretty much have at least 1/2 of the equation. The other half is consciously turning that dynamic on and off.

yeah I totally blush! It's hysterical. Funny, depending on who you talk to, people might think I was a hard core T. All of my NTs and ISTJs see my fluffier side unless there is some serious business to be taken care of. But the folks in my own department-mostly ESTPs only get to see teritary Te. They freak out if I show them Fi. It is too close, too fast for them and they do not value it in any way. Plus it is really ineffective. A Te bitch slap is really far more efficient.

I think you are right about the relationships. I have only started really-well dating recently. Trusting others opens the gates a bit. As does alcohol... Funny, after a beer or two with my coworkers they all think I am the cutest thing ever-"How can you be so cute?" and they start calling me sweet.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

But how has he lied to her? They went out, he expressed lots of interest, they made out, he's still flirting, but has decreased his displays of interest in other ways. It just seems like there is a misunderstanding and a difference in needs and communication. Seems like a question for manslations, but not a reason to demonize someone and make them into a liar and deceiver. I'd ask for clarification of the behavior. I'm an intuitive, but I'm no psychic. I'd prefer to give people the chance to explain themselves...IF, I really care enough about them to hear them out, and if I'm prepared to hear the truth(even if I don't like it). There have been times in my life when I haven't done this(and just assumed things about people-usually negative, usually wrong), and I have learned my lesson.

yeah, i hear you. i only read part of that other thread. i meant more in general, i don't usually confront people about their behavior because usually by the time there is a serious communication breakdown or we just don't mesh or the timing isn't gonna work, or whatever, there has been enough obvious actions from both parties that delving deeper sometimes just isn't necessary or can lead to more confusion and frustration.

sometimes you just have to accept that you won't see things eye to eye and you have to accept that person for how they are, not how you want them to be. rehashing, which can include confrontation, for me, only makes it worse usually because by that time, as an Ni dom, i've already 'been there done that' in my mind numerous times. and since others usually don't like being confronted or hurting other people's feelings, chances are you are not going to get a straight story anyway. it will be coated with niceties and best-interest sugar-coating. that's just a waste of everyone's time.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

According to Just Your Type, your best matches are: ENTJ, INTP, INFP, INFJ

Apparently your type is very rare, and also tends to be very serious. We ENFPs can be very serious, but we're kinda like the ESFPs of the NFers. We have the silly switch, and just don't assume that some people take things so much more seriously. Again, I wouldn't prescribe malicious intent to the guy. Almost half of the population is made up of happy go lucky SPs who are also flirtatious, so he is probably just more used to dealing with people who don't take him seriously. He may not understand how much you really like him. But anyway, if he's toxic to you, that's all that matters.

Have you read the book Love Types?

haha.....this is probably the way it is. some types who like to flirt enfp/sp? just think it's no big deal. my husband is the quintessential flirt himself. he is healthy. and he uses flirting to get a zing, but he also likes giving women what they want: attention. and they love it of course. i asked him if he thought flirting was harmful or had any negative connotations and he said no. sometimes his flirting does get out of hand for me. he will pretty much take it as far as he can on his end or the other person's end (as far as they take it), which, to me, isn't quite ethical if the woman is married, for instance.

thinking on it, most of the people who aren't sps in my life, do not flirt--with me or as a habit. we must just see it as more serious or something. i can flirt with the best of em. but i guess where i'm at in my life right now i'm sort-of in limbo, and i'd rather not deal with the grey areas that get swirled around-for myself mainly but others too-when i flirt.

it's good also to be on my guard about flirting too. this thread is helpful in that way. because i just naturally feel like, for me, flirting means something more than what's usually intended by those types that like to use it. my enfp friend for example.

 

[Charmed Justice]

yeah, i hear you. i only read part of that other thread. i meant more in general, i don't usually confront people about their behavior because usually by the time there is a serious communication breakdown or we just don't mesh or the timing isn't gonna work, or whatever, there has been enough obvious actions from both parties that delving deeper sometimes just isn't necessary or can lead to more confusion and frustration.

sometimes you just have to accept that you won't see things eye to eye and you have to accept that person for how they are, not how you want them to be. rehashing, which can include confrontation, for me, only makes it worse usually because by that time, as an Ni dom, i've already 'been there done that' in my mind numerous times. and since others usually don't like being confronted or hurting other people's feelings, chances are you are not going to get a straight story anyway. it will be coated with niceties and best-interest sugar-coating. that's just a waste of everyone's time.

Yea, I hear you on that one. Agreeing to disagree is often the best option. Or..just accepting that you and the person don't "work". I don't know, I've always been of the mindset that if I want something to work, I will make it work. Kinda like, "where there is a will, there is a way." If I felt a strong connection to someone, but we lost our way, I don't think I'd let it go that easily...without a mature/diplomatic discussion concerning what happened. That being said, 10 years ago, I would have just walked away to avoid further feelings of uneasiness. Where I am in my life now, I think the price of letting someone go that I really care about is too high.

haha.....this is probably the way it is. some types who like to flirt enfp/sp? just think it's no big deal. my husband is the quintessential flirt himself. he is healthy. and he uses flirting to get a zing, but he also likes giving women what they want: attention. and they love it of course. i asked him if he thought flirting was harmful or had any negative connotations and he said no. sometimes his flirting does get out of hand for me. he will pretty much take it as far as he can on his end or the other person's end (as far as they take it), which, to me, isn't quite ethical if the woman is married, for instance.

thinking on it, most of the people who aren't sps in my life, do not flirt--with me or as a habit. we must just see it as more serious or something. i can flirt with the best of em. but i guess where i'm at in my life right now i'm sort-of in limbo, and i'd rather not deal with the grey areas that get swirled around-for myself mainly but others too-when i flirt.

it's good also to be on my guard about flirting too. this thread is helpful in that way. because i just naturally feel like, for me, flirting means something more than what's usually intended by those types that like to use it. my enfp friend for example.

What types of things will your husband do as far as "taking it as far as he can go"?

 

[sculpting]

okay so I watched my behavior today with respect to others to try and see if I was flirting and see how it effected

I was pointed and practical to a whole bunch of people. Got lots done. However when I went to work over in the lab area-where my closest friends are-I realized I did get much more open.

1) Hugged an enfp guy-full frontal, boob in his armpit style hug. Two big hugs. I cradled his neck in my hands like he was a little kid. He has been going through crazy severe emo issues with a girl-a thinker of some sort-who tells him how he is weak and should be manly and tough, and that he is pathetic becuase he cries sometimes. He got incinerated by an Fi laser. He really needed it. Sexual, eh there was a stray boob there but from an Fi perspective, this was about me caring for him. I do not doubt he understood that-though he may have liked the boob.

2) I told my favortie INTJ that I love her and asked if she needed a hug-like four times. "Are you sure you dont need a hug? I got some extras.. snuggle wuggle hugs.." While vomit inducing in the written form, the above comment did make her crack a smile and stop being so serious for a few minutes. She needs silliness now and then.

3) I winked at my french entp friend during a meeting. We have been close friends for five years. Most certainly sexual flirty undertones. But he has been happily married for ten years and his wife watched my baby for almost a year. This is the most questionable form of flirting I guess. Yes there is a stray undertone, however it is all silliness, and well understod on both sides that it is just silliness and would not be acted on. He likes to teach me crude french sayings about large breasted women.

I actually brought this topic up with him at lunch with my entp best friend. He informed me that yes, all the entp boys are flirting with me at a recent work event, however likely would never follow up on anything. He says it is a game, a fun pastime, but not a real investment on thier parts. It strokes thier ego, and is fun to talk to a pretty girl, but they likely love thier wives and wouldnt actually cheat.

4) I approached my whiney dir of manufacturing entp with a big, open, sweet happy smile. "Mr S how are my instruments today?" He mumbled something about a problem. I asked exactly what the problem was, trying to be nice. He snarked "What are you a technical expert now?". Te incineration resulted and after much burning he explained it was an issue with optical filters, poor QC specs and then shut up. Maybe the big smile started as flirting?

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

What types of things will your husband do as far as "taking it as far as he can go"?

haha. well he is a huge flirt, but in an istp sort of way. he loves women and is genuinely interested in them, and they feel this and just seem to melt. he used to keep dark chocolate at his desk for one particular female coworker (who had a s.o.) and she'd drop in his cubicle for chocolate, as did many others--he was like the candy man. haha. that worked pretty effectively for him. but he doesn't take it any further if he doesn't have clearance, which he usually doesn't.

okay so I watched my behavior today with respect to others to try and see if I was flirting and see how it effected

I was pointed and practical to a whole bunch of people. Got lots done. However when I went to work over in the lab area-where my closest friends are-I realized I did get much more open.

1) Hugged an enfp guy-full frontal, boob in his armpit style hug. Two big hugs. I cradled his neck in my hands like he was a little kid. He has been going through crazy severe emo issues with a girl-a thinker of some sort-who tells him how he is weak and should be manly and tough, and that he is pathetic becuase he cries sometimes. He got incinerated by an Fi laser. He really needed it. Sexual, eh there was a stray boob there but from an Fi perspective, this was about me caring for him. I do not doubt he understood that-though he may have liked the boob.

2) I told my favortie INTJ that I love her and asked if she needed a hug-like four times. "Are you sure you dont need a hug? I got some extras.. snuggle wuggle hugs.." While vomit inducing in the written form, the above comment did make her crack a smile and stop being so serious for a few minutes. She needs silliness now and then.

3) I winked at my french entp friend during a meeting. We have been close friends for five years. Most certainly sexual flirty undertones. But he has been happily married for ten years and his wife watched my baby for almost a year. This is the most questionable form of flirting I guess. Yes there is a stray undertone, however it is all silliness, and well understod on both sides that it is just silliness and would not be acted on. He likes to teach me crude french sayings about large breasted women.

I actually brought this topic up with him at lunch with my entp best friend. He informed me that yes, all the entp boys are flirting with me at a recent work event, however likely would never follow up on anything. He says it is a game, a fun pastime, but not a real investment on thier parts. It strokes thier ego, and is fun to talk to a pretty girl, but they likely love thier wives and wouldnt actually cheat.

4) I approached my whiney dir of manufacturing entp with a big, open, sweet happy smile. "Mr S how are my instruments today?" He mumbled something about a problem. I asked exactly what the problem was, trying to be nice. He snarked "What are you a technical expert now?". Te incineration resulted and after much burning he explained it was an issue with optical filters, poor QC specs and then shut up. Maybe the big smile started as flirting?

oh, thanks for this glimpse of your life. it's fun to read about work from a woman's perspective since i stay home now.

 

[Charmed Justice]

he was like the candy man. haha. that worked pretty effectively for him. but he doesn't take it any further if he doesn't have clearance, which he usually doesn't.

Haha...Nice! Chocolate always gets em.