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  1. #41
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ergophobe View Post
    I don't identify with the indiscriminate flirting with anyone. Flirting, for me, is just the most natural way I know to show affection for people I like. It's a clear signal that I'm fond of you - friends, family get teased the most in this fashion. If you're being teased, it means you have reached the inner circle.

    There's a line crossed into romantic flirting, mostly it means the teasing contains compliments about the person's physical appearance or quirky habits that I genuinely find fascinating enough to notice and make part of the conversation. When romantically interested, the intensity of the flirting is just a lot higher. There will be no mixed signals. With friends, it's more innocent, picking on them.

    No, I don't enjoy playing with people if they're not enjoying it as well. It's got to be a give and take and the slightest bit of discomfort on their end will make me turn it off. For a type that is said to be in tune with what other people are feeling/their motivations, I think we would find it particularly abhorrent to play with a person's emotions if there is no romantic connection implied and the person may be vulnerable to making more of it than we are willing to offer. This is not attractive at all.

    Sometimes there is just miscommunication because of the intensity we ENFPs have in common. We do give people we enjoy our complete attention. This may also be someone we've just met but are interested in getting to know them. This includes making sustained eye contact and listening intently to what they're saying. We find people fascinating but this does not imply a romantic connection.
    I agree with almost everything, especially the bolded part. I'd add that I will use flirting as an icebreaker with a person who I find highly intriguing. And they have a shot at making it to my inner circle, very much so. But for the rest, I do agree with it all.

    It *can* happen that after some time we find that we're not that compatible. However, I do still enjoy their company and will gladly spend time with them , the only thing that will be less is the intensity as I'm done taking who you are as a person apart and assimilating it.

    Quote Originally Posted by ergophobe View Post
    Aphrodite, your friend's behavior is way past the flirting realm. It is manipulative and would be confusing to anyone. Flirting, for most of us, would imply a generally open, interested, warm approach to the world we live in. We are fascinated by people and love showing it in the way we know best. Your friend seems to have misused that way of being in an unethical manner. The problem seems to be more about questionable ethics and less about the general way of being.

    +1
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  2. #42
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    Whoa - correction:

    Ne-Monster, I think you are spot on about extraverts/Ne seeking validation like that. I think it's possibly the most annoying trait of Ne doms, ENTPs and ENFPs. It's not necessarily through "flirting" but I've definitely seen ENXPs go overboard seeking validation/stimulation or just unleashing Ne? Or not properly reading people's boundaries. Basically pushing it too far. In different ways but end result is "too much".

    As for flirting, you may think that you don't know "how" to flirt, but often I see people interact and it's called "flirting". If at the root of flirting is a flow of energy and banter that is tinged with sexual tension/vibe and true/hidden meanings and intent below the surface - then I'm sure you've flirted many a time before.
    I think it can move beyond annoying and into the realm of pathological and damaging. I have seen this with one of my entps, and I think enfps must do the same thing-I just see so few of them I cant really calibrate properly.

    I am missing the sexual tension part. I seem to replace it with five-year-old rainbow lazors of love. Like rainbow brite. I think I am an Fi-o-tard. So I really dont understand how to combine it with a sexual vibe and generate results. Only in the last five months have I ever even considered trying to flirt-then only drunk.



    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    Just smile and linger with eye contact.
    HAHAHA!! Oh, this is terribly embarrassing. So I have to share of course.

    I tried this once as an undergrad. Cosmo mag said to make eye contact with boys you like. So I did. But I guess the crazy eyes were a bit too apparent. Four years later if that guy saw me coming in one end of the engineering building he would turn and walk out the other end.

    Once I have a guy naked I am good to go, however all the preliminary stuff...not so skilled... I need to take a class. You'd think getting guys naked would be easy.

    Quote Originally Posted by aphrodite-gone-awry View Post
    i have to agree. i find the flirtatiousness of my new (still not firmed up ) enfp friend to be confusing and misleading. in the beginning her forthrightness at wanting to 'hang out' with me didn't get much rise or response out of me. i am a busy introvert. i knew her interest in me was in the professional realm and i don't practice my profession anymore. so i didn't see much point in taking this acquaintanceship/friendship very far. but she was persistent in her pursuit of me. haltingly, we gradually became friends over a year and a half or so. i love her zaniness and crassness. we are alike in many ways. we have many things in common. i could tell i was her latest hobby but i didn't mind so much because having so much attention, was, well, nice. actually, i likened it to being 'on a pedestal' for a long while. she had me on a pedestal.

    she would post things on my facebook page like, "i LOVE you!" "i miss you!" "i need a ----- fix soon!" and things like that. she'd post songs she thought i'd like: fun songs, risque songs, crunky songs. her husband, her most faithful minion, even flirted with me (and he's hot). she lobbied that we hang out as couples. she lobbied that we work together. she lobbied that we go camping together. she said she'd do whatever i wanted her to do if i would practice with her, apprentice her, etc. haha. i was pretty immune to her perseverance, and saw it as her playful personality, but when i was lackadaisical, she'd just pour on the charm all the more, and i noticed her (and weirdly, her husband) becoming more flirty all the time.

    well, i am a for-real person with for-real desires. we are not new to having a sexual rendezvous if the situation presents itself, which it rarely does. i had hinted early on about this side of myself with her, and she had interestingly ignored it, but i knew she had heard me. so i started becoming intrigued with her flirting. i found myself responding to her husband when he placed his hand in the small of my back and rubbed it around a little bit when they said goodbye after hanging out one night. my usual response to her sexual innuendoes and increasing flirtatious behavior, was to giggle and not say much. but as i got to know her and she slowly began 'passing my tests,' at the lake one day, i started giving it back. her innuendoes ran into mine. her sexual jokes found a warm and funny reception. we compared notes on the coloration of our sweet parts--pink or brown? her bark met my bite.

    then she began emailing more with me. when i sent her my candid email explaining forthrightly how i (as an infj) take a while to trust someone and let them into my life, and about how that is a gradual process fraught with gaining trust and sharing experiences, i started to not hear much from her anymore. i wondered where she went. she quit posting so much on my facebook page. my pms went unanswered for a longer period of time than i had ever had to wait before. my bid to go camping was basically ignored. whereas i couldn't beat this woman off with a stick before, i wondered now where she had disappeared.

    evidently she found another colleague of mine who is still practicing. she is putting all the energy into her (and more i'm sure) than she had been putting into me. she got my books, she picked my brain, she expoited me professionally for all i had, and personally for what i finally let trickle out, and now she is essentially gone back out of my life.

    i am no stranger to flirting. indeed, after reading the blog linked in this op, i have some demons to face of my own in that regard (in an unrelated issue), which makes me feel fairly ashamed. but it cannot be ignored that flirting for most people shows romantic interest in them. if you are not interested romanically in someone and you flirt anyway, you are playing with another person's feelings and emotions. if you continue flirting, and you don't personally know this person extremely well and they you, it can become quite confusing for that person. left unchecked it can escalate to him or her feeling used. i personally do not like seeing the excessive amount of flirting exuded from enfp types on type c.
    That's terrible.

  3. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ne-Monster View Post
    You'd think getting guys naked would be easy.
    It is.

    Step one: remove shirt
    Step two: ask "Why aren't you naked yet?"

  4. #44
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Ah-I'll go try that right now... When I get arrested I'll know who to blame.

  5. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ne-Monster View Post
    Ah-I'll go try that right now... When I get arrested I'll know who to blame.
    You might get applause instead.

  6. #46
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Seriously, we have an INTP explaining an ENFP how to flirt? *shakes head*

    What is the world coming to...
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    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  7. #47
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Seriously, we have an INTP explaining an ENFP how to flirt? *shakes head*

    What is the world coming to...
    Hey I'll take whatever help I can get..

    Plus I like intps. MG is giving me intp specific ammunition.

  8. #48
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Honey, you're ENFP..you don't need ammo for INTPs, you *are* the ammo
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  9. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Honey, you're ENFP..you don't need ammo for INTPs, you *are* the ammo
    True.

  10. #50
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    I just want to clarify again, that I don't flirt. Unless we're dating or I'm truly into you and even then I wouldn't necessarily call it flirting. And I don't really get the (mostly indiscriminate) drive for flirting for validation or attention, it seems like something you'd want to work on, especially if you continue to do (with other people) once you are in a relationship.

    I'm honestly kinda surprised it's such a common trait for ENFPs and I'm the exception (ha, or at least I think I'm the exception, it's possible I do the same thing in more cases than I'm aware of, I just don't articulate it as such or notice it)

    I just want to chime in again from what aphrodite, ne, and mcd...p..etc (lol) said, you need to be more responsible and aware of where other people are coming from when you are an extravert and "poking" at people or waving them down.

    I personally don't really see how the bad behavior and manipulative flirting described so far in this thread is very different from the 'harmless and friendly flirting' described.

    If the root motivation is to get attention and validation, feel better, etc. it's the same thing in my opinion, the only difference is degree and how far you go with it. That is affected also by how aware/respectful you are of other people's boundaries. But, if you are driven by insecurity or stroking your own ego or your own agenda, then it's very easy to "not see" other people's boundaries or care.

    I almost wonder if the ENFPs describes behaving badly would even care when confronted or if they would bat their lashes in alarm and say "I was just being friendly because I'm so nice and I had no idea you would misinterpret". I wouldn't buy that response. I know you know better or you should (and by 'you' I mean people in general). It's your responsibilty to be, well, responsible. Doe eyed surprised and feigned innocence only goes so far.

    People who are manipulative know they are manipulative. You know when you are getting a reaction or rise out of someone. You know when your hunches are panning out.

    I wonder if the "manipulative flirts" described in this thread brag about how great they are at flirting? Or if they maintain that they don't flirt and were just being friendly? Or both?

    And Ne-Monster, what I meant before about how you may flirt without knowing it - Ne helps you just go with the flow and interplay with other people's energy. It's very possible that when you thought you were just joking around with someone that they interpreted it as flirting or other people would call it flirting. Kinda like how when Lady X said she's just being polite and people interpret it as flirting. If we're talking about intentionalflirting it can also just be playfulness, but at least in my definition, it's also about the energy involved? If two people are clearly attracted to each other it's hard not to imbue light social interaction with an element of "flirting".

    What do you usually do Ne Monster when you are into someone?
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

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