[INFP] INFPs: Being used

[Scott N Denver]

You are an INFP who was in the military? There was another INFP member here who was not only in the military, he was in the marines and also served during the Vietnam War. How's that for breaking type stereotype??

No. My dad was in the military, I was an AF brat. But lot of our scout leaders and my martial arts instructors were military people.

Fineline??? Biaxident was in the military as well as I recall. Some others [INFP's] as well...

 

[Scott N Denver]

This just kind of sounds like a man approach

I try my best to never invalidate a person's feelings, even if their feeling is a bit unwarranted. I remind them of their positive qualities that equip them to deal with the issue. If I give advice, I'll acknowledge it can be easier said than done. Essentially, fixing the problem just cannot be done in a condescending way, as if it's so easy and they are dense for missing the solution. That's never effective; the person simply becomes defensive and more hurt, which justifies any over-reacting, and then they disregard all of your advice.

I will admit that the friends who come crying do often listen to my input, and I get a sense of satisfaction from being useful, even if I feel like I get blown off.

I think I kinda came across more T and J here than I do in real life. If people just wanna get something off of their chest and have someone listen I can totally do that, no advice from scott requested or given. Some people wanna have you listen to them and give advice. Others seem to just wanna whine and complain and "drag you down with them". That last group doesnt get too far with me.

 

[wildcat]

(Is it possible that you need to analyze the situations differently?)

Also, if you take the time to realize you are getting something out of it you don't feel as used anymore. Why ARE you spending time with these people, if you aren't getting anything out of it at the time?

The victim of a con man is getting a thing out of it at the time.
This is exactly the con man trick.

Your question is inane. No offence.

 

[Orangey]

The victim of a con man is getting a thing out of it at the time.
This is exactly the con man trick.

Your question is inane. No offence.

I agree. Nobody voluntarily engages in activities without some sort of motivation. And people are not motivated by what makes makes them feel bad/is bad for them, but rather what makes them feel good/is good for them. Therefore all people have something to gain from activities in which they voluntarily participate. Merely pointing that out says nothing about this particular situation.

 

[metaphours]

The victim of a con man is getting a thing out of it at the time.
This is exactly the con man trick.

Your question is inane. No offence.

Thank you for your opinion, but if I told you what to do with your advice, I'd be banned.

 

[Orangey]

Thank you for your opinion, but if I told you what to do with your advice, I'd be banned.

Wait, why?

 

[OrangeAppled]

From reading your response, OrangeAppled, I think what I'm doing isn't so bad. We talk regularly (usually on AIM). Only twice since I've ever known her have I brought up my emotions without her asking, and I generally only talk about myself when she asks. We talk about her like maybe 70% of the time, but still, I can come across as pretty unsympathetic. Given that things rarely change (she just kind of floats along often), I have trouble biting my lip and being as kind as would be ideal.


She has plenty of friends like this. (The worst example I can think of was a guy who hooked up with her for a couple weeks and then said he dumped her because he didn't realize he wouldn't like her when she was happy.) I often tell her to cut the parasites out of her life, but again, its hard to say that in an uncritical way. She agrees but claims she is incapable of taking advice.

Also, I only feel like I can really relate to her emphatically when I'm feeling kind of down myself. Its not that I don't care otherwise, but I only do so in a more detached and analytic way. What's the best way to treat someone who repeatedly gets stuck in the pattern discussed in this thread? While I do think I'm overall good to her, there's a part of me that disparages my treatment of her as just using her as a way to help me feel my own pain and then looking down on her otherwise.

(Again, if people feel I'm intruding on this topic with my own personal stuff, do let me know if this is out of line and self-absorbed. I'm still a but unsure of the social norms on how segregated NF/NT/SP/SJ forums are.)

Well, INFPs can sometimes get stuck in an unhealthy self-critical, hopeless loop where they complain about the same things, but fail to take action. Being idealists, they may set insanely high standards for themselves. When people criticize harshly, it just adds to the heap of crap on their shoulders and erodes their self-worth.

It sounds like you are there to listen, but become critical of her for basically just "wallowing". INFPs do not respond well to criticism unless it's served constructively. In situations like this, if you give them advice as if the solution is sooo obvious, it seems to imply that they were too dumb to see it themselves and that their feelings are not valid. That reinforces that the INFP is weak and incapable. The idea of doing anything becomes overwhelmingly impossible, so the INFP just retreats again.

As I brought out in another post, try encouraging tactics in these situations that are constructive. Build your friend up by reminding her of her good qualities. Point out past accomplishments in which she overcame something (even if small). Remind her of her worth as a person and a friend.
By doing this, you make the INFP realize they are capable of applying advice and making changes in their life. It also helps them realize they deserve people in their life who treat them well, and not "parasites".

Oh, and I think this is a bit different situation from the OP....

 

[r0wo1]

Thank you for your opinion, but if I told you what to do with your advice, I'd be banned.

That was a tad bit harsh wasn't it?

 

[metaphours]

That was a tad bit harsh wasn't it?

rofl waffle

 

[Amargith]

I've learned to identify those people and take them for what and who they are. I enjoy helping them, being close to them, and learning from them and they in turn are usually quite grateful for any help I can provide. If I notice that it *is* in fact taking me for granted that they do, then I cut them out, even before they themselves leave.

But I'm aware from the beginning that they will at some point leave, or at least be less intense with me. And I'm fine with that. It's their need that created the intensity and once that need has been fulfilled it automatically diminishes. Sure, it's always a bit sad when that does happen, but I'm happy to have the memories and the experience and I'll gloat a bit that their life is better becoz of me

And on occasion, you will find the odd individual who will prove to be a special person, who you are so in sync with that they are worth holding on to, and usually, they'll feel the same about you. Those tend to stick around no matter what and become your best friend. They'll be the ones that will help you once you've helped them, as they sense *your* need. And they'll be a source for personal growth for you as much as you are to them. Those are the actual connections that are worth keeping.

Friendships have their purposes and their expiration date. Only a handful of 'em will last a lifetime as their purpose is neverending. Finding those people though...not always easy

 

[OrangeAppled]

I've learned to identify those people and take them for what and who they are.

This is a nice point. I have to remember to lower my idealistic expectations a bit. One of my friends who loves to talk about herself and shows little interest in my life is not a bad friend, but we will never have the emotional closeness I desire. I just have to value it for what it is.

 

[dani_elle]

It takes time to weed out the bad ones. *pat pat*

I can't stand being with people so self-absorbed that they suck you in and you keep becoming their security blanket in which they can cry (and blow their nose) on. Sometimes you need to PUSH them away, which isn't easy because you've already fallen into the spiral of thinking (OMG this person is so helpless and he/she needs me!!!!1) Which isn't true. What they need is a good wake up call.

I agree totally with Amargith! There are people who are there for a while and there are those who are there to be lifetime companions, keep them companions close.

 

[notsweetynice]

I don't want to blame the victim here, but I've found that people who complain about being used have a 'martyr complex' common in enneagram 2. They need to be needed and then when people actually accept their help they turn it around and boo hoo that they aren't appreciated. When I see an ENFP or similar type trying to 'help' me I run the other way...I'm not falling into their martyr trap anymore. It's fun to turn the tables around and try to help them. Then they look like a broken robot all confused.

Strangely, I am an INFP and I never feel used even though I am very nurturing to lots of people. I enjoy it when people unload their problems on me. It sort of satisfies my curiosity about people and gives me something to analyze later.

 

[briochick]

I haven't read all the other posts but I'll add my two cents.
I'm an INFP but I rarely feel used. Occasionally I feel stalked, by those odd incredibly awkward people who cling to me like staticy saran wrap and think I'm their best friend, but not used. I think moving a lot as a kid really helped me to be able to let people go without resentment, and to understand that everyone is looking for something in life, and we all use people to get it. I don't think of that as "using", I think of that as humanity, and society, and survival. No one has pure motives, not even the angelic INFJ, and certainly not me. How can I then fault others for imperfect motives? And, if I have helped that person than I'm happy, because that's all I wanted to do in the first place. I known many an ESxj who would probably think I'm often used, but I think it's a matter of perspective.

 

[Jae Rae]

I've learned to identify those people and take them for what and who they are. I enjoy helping them, being close to them, and learning from them and they in turn are usually quite grateful for any help I can provide. If I notice that it *is* in fact taking me for granted that they do, then I cut them out, even before they themselves leave.

But I'm aware from the beginning that they will at some point leave, or at least be less intense with me. And I'm fine with that. It's their need that created the intensity and once that need has been fulfilled it automatically diminishes. Sure, it's always a bit sad when that does happen, but I'm happy to have the memories and the experience and I'll gloat a bit that their life is better becoz of me

And on occasion, you will find the odd individual who will prove to be a special person, who you are so in sync with that they are worth holding on to, and usually, they'll feel the same about you. Those tend to stick around no matter what and become your best friend. They'll be the ones that will help you once you've helped them, as they sense *your* need. And they'll be a source for personal growth for you as much as you are to them. Those are the actual connections that are worth keeping.

Friendships have their purposes and their expiration date. Only a handful of 'em will last a lifetime as their purpose is neverending. Finding those people though...not always easy

Great post.

I have fewer "foul weather friends" now because I've learned to identify them and parcel out my time. I have friends in my MLIS program with whom I talk about classes, books and the future, which is a nice change from hearing about dysfunctional relationships.

 

[Koocoomoo]

I think as INFPs, we're just so willing to give our all, you know? Like if someone needs help, we're one of the few people to actually give them it. And not just help, it's help from the heart, help that matters because we actually care about that person, no matter if we just met, or if we've been friends forever.

Amen
History repeats itself. And I feel so helpless to the process,
like I can't do anything to stop it.

 

[DevelopingPotential]

For me, I work with people and change as a personal coach, practitoner of the MBTI and other tools etc. I get a great amount of personal validity and a sense of purpose while I am doing this. Could i stop helping/enabling the 'needy' to be more effective and not assist them on their journey of potential? I would not want to. I guess here, when I connect with the INFP in me, the difference is emotional attachment and expectations - but then sometimes I think I have a lot of 'T' in me.

Perhaps you might like to consider modelling some ENFP/ENTP relationship buildling?

 

[Ginkgo]

Those kinds of people are cruel, and therefore you should not even WANT to be with them. They are fools who view people as tools and nothing more.

Yes, this has happened to me once. It's never going to happen again because I am quick to analyze them before I get close and make a move.

Unfortunately, the kind of person who makes the first move is more likely to be a cruel and sadistic person. Think about it. If they don't have any internal qualms about talking with you because they simply want someone to listen to them, they're not worth your time. On the other hand, if they want to listen to your ideas because they genuinely care, then they might be right for you.

Be selective and cautious.

 

[neptunesnet]

I think as INFPs, we're just so willing to give our all, you know? Like if someone needs help, we're one of the few people to actually give them it. And not just help, it's help from the heart, help that matters because we actually care about that person, no matter if we just met, or if we've been friends forever.

Very True.
When someone asks for my help, my mind wipes my problems away for a moment, and I focus almost exclusively on that person and their needs. My needs aren't really of concern. Well, not until after I've helped the person and I'm stuck in a bind because now I don't have the time/money/energy to help myself.

I think it's easy for INFPs to empathize when others are in need of help. I always think, "I remember my feelings when I was in a similar situation/I can imagine exactly what that feels like. I would want/would have wanted some help, too (although I probably won't take it because I'd think I were imposing on someone :rolli, so I must help them! We Can Change this World By Example! *fist pump in the air*"

The Story of My Life.

 

[TSDesigner]

Metaphours, are you a guy and are you talking about girls using you to listen to their problems?