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  1. #51
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    I've learned to identify those people and take them for what and who they are.
    This is a nice point. I have to remember to lower my idealistic expectations a bit. One of my friends who loves to talk about herself and shows little interest in my life is not a bad friend, but we will never have the emotional closeness I desire. I just have to value it for what it is.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  2. #52
    Member dani_elle's Avatar
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    It takes time to weed out the bad ones. *pat pat*

    I can't stand being with people so self-absorbed that they suck you in and you keep becoming their security blanket in which they can cry (and blow their nose) on. Sometimes you need to PUSH them away, which isn't easy because you've already fallen into the spiral of thinking (OMG this person is so helpless and he/she needs me!!!!1) Which isn't true. What they need is a good wake up call.

    I agree totally with Amargith! There are people who are there for a while and there are those who are there to be lifetime companions, keep them companions close.
    I am an ENFP but I value justice over mercy.

  3. #53
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    I don't want to blame the victim here, but I've found that people who complain about being used have a 'martyr complex' common in enneagram 2. They need to be needed and then when people actually accept their help they turn it around and boo hoo that they aren't appreciated. When I see an ENFP or similar type trying to 'help' me I run the other way...I'm not falling into their martyr trap anymore. It's fun to turn the tables around and try to help them. Then they look like a broken robot all confused.

    Strangely, I am an INFP and I never feel used even though I am very nurturing to lots of people. I enjoy it when people unload their problems on me. It sort of satisfies my curiosity about people and gives me something to analyze later.

  4. #54
    half-nut member briochick's Avatar
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    I haven't read all the other posts but I'll add my two cents.
    I'm an INFP but I rarely feel used. Occasionally I feel stalked, by those odd incredibly awkward people who cling to me like staticy saran wrap and think I'm their best friend, but not used. I think moving a lot as a kid really helped me to be able to let people go without resentment, and to understand that everyone is looking for something in life, and we all use people to get it. I don't think of that as "using", I think of that as humanity, and society, and survival. No one has pure motives, not even the angelic INFJ, and certainly not me. How can I then fault others for imperfect motives? And, if I have helped that person than I'm happy, because that's all I wanted to do in the first place. I known many an ESxj who would probably think I'm often used, but I think it's a matter of perspective.
    -Brio

    "I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life; I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."
    -Teddy Roosevelt
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  5. #55
    Free-Rangin' Librarian Jae Rae's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    I've learned to identify those people and take them for what and who they are. I enjoy helping them, being close to them, and learning from them and they in turn are usually quite grateful for any help I can provide. If I notice that it *is* in fact taking me for granted that they do, then I cut them out, even before they themselves leave.

    But I'm aware from the beginning that they will at some point leave, or at least be less intense with me. And I'm fine with that. It's their need that created the intensity and once that need has been fulfilled it automatically diminishes. Sure, it's always a bit sad when that does happen, but I'm happy to have the memories and the experience and I'll gloat a bit that their life is better becoz of me

    And on occasion, you will find the odd individual who will prove to be a special person, who you are so in sync with that they are worth holding on to, and usually, they'll feel the same about you. Those tend to stick around no matter what and become your best friend. They'll be the ones that will help you once you've helped them, as they sense *your* need. And they'll be a source for personal growth for you as much as you are to them. Those are the actual connections that are worth keeping.

    Friendships have their purposes and their expiration date. Only a handful of 'em will last a lifetime as their purpose is neverending. Finding those people though...not always easy
    Great post.

    I have fewer "foul weather friends" now because I've learned to identify them and parcel out my time. I have friends in my MLIS program with whom I talk about classes, books and the future, which is a nice change from hearing about dysfunctional relationships.
    Proud Female Rider in Maverick's Bike Club.

  6. #56
    Senior Member Koocoomoo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by metaphours View Post
    I think as INFPs, we're just so willing to give our all, you know? Like if someone needs help, we're one of the few people to actually give them it. And not just help, it's help from the heart, help that matters because we actually care about that person, no matter if we just met, or if we've been friends forever.

    Amen
    History repeats itself. And I feel so helpless to the process,
    like I can't do anything to stop it.

    Painfully Bipolar

  7. #57

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    For me, I work with people and change as a personal coach, practitoner of the MBTI and other tools etc. I get a great amount of personal validity and a sense of purpose while I am doing this. Could i stop helping/enabling the 'needy' to be more effective and not assist them on their journey of potential? I would not want to. I guess here, when I connect with the INFP in me, the difference is emotional attachment and expectations - but then sometimes I think I have a lot of 'T' in me.

    Perhaps you might like to consider modelling some ENFP/ENTP relationship buildling?
    Last edited by Ivy; 09-19-2009 at 12:14 PM. Reason: removed ad link
    Dan

  8. #58
    Ginkgo
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    Those kinds of people are cruel, and therefore you should not even WANT to be with them. They are fools who view people as tools and nothing more.

    Yes, this has happened to me once. It's never going to happen again because I am quick to analyze them before I get close and make a move.

    Unfortunately, the kind of person who makes the first move is more likely to be a cruel and sadistic person. Think about it. If they don't have any internal qualms about talking with you because they simply want someone to listen to them, they're not worth your time. On the other hand, if they want to listen to your ideas because they genuinely care, then they might be right for you.

    Be selective and cautious.

  9. #59
    man-made neptunesnet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by metaphours View Post
    I think as INFPs, we're just so willing to give our all, you know? Like if someone needs help, we're one of the few people to actually give them it. And not just help, it's help from the heart, help that matters because we actually care about that person, no matter if we just met, or if we've been friends forever.
    Very True.
    When someone asks for my help, my mind wipes my problems away for a moment, and I focus almost exclusively on that person and their needs. My needs aren't really of concern. Well, not until after I've helped the person and I'm stuck in a bind because now I don't have the time/money/energy to help myself.

    I think it's easy for INFPs to empathize when others are in need of help. I always think, "I remember my feelings when I was in a similar situation/I can imagine exactly what that feels like. I would want/would have wanted some help, too (although I probably won't take it because I'd think I were imposing on someone :rolli, so I must help them! We Can Change this World By Example! *fist pump in the air*"

    The Story of My Life.
    Last edited by neptunesnet; 09-25-2009 at 10:13 PM.

  10. #60
    Senior Member TSDesigner's Avatar
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    Metaphours, are you a guy and are you talking about girls using you to listen to their problems?

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