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  1. #41
    Senior Member Scott N Denver's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    You are an INFP who was in the military? There was another INFP member here who was not only in the military, he was in the marines and also served during the Vietnam War. How's that for breaking type stereotype??
    No. My dad was in the military, I was an AF brat. But lot of our scout leaders and my martial arts instructors were military people.

    Fineline??? Biaxident was in the military as well as I recall. Some others [INFP's] as well...

  2. #42
    Senior Member Scott N Denver's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    This just kind of sounds like a man approach

    I try my best to never invalidate a person's feelings, even if their feeling is a bit unwarranted. I remind them of their positive qualities that equip them to deal with the issue. If I give advice, I'll acknowledge it can be easier said than done. Essentially, fixing the problem just cannot be done in a condescending way, as if it's so easy and they are dense for missing the solution. That's never effective; the person simply becomes defensive and more hurt, which justifies any over-reacting, and then they disregard all of your advice.

    I will admit that the friends who come crying do often listen to my input, and I get a sense of satisfaction from being useful, even if I feel like I get blown off.
    I think I kinda came across more T and J here than I do in real life. If people just wanna get something off of their chest and have someone listen I can totally do that, no advice from scott requested or given. Some people wanna have you listen to them and give advice. Others seem to just wanna whine and complain and "drag you down with them". That last group doesnt get too far with me.

  3. #43
    Senior Member wildcat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    (Is it possible that you need to analyze the situations differently?)

    Also, if you take the time to realize you are getting something out of it you don't feel as used anymore. Why ARE you spending time with these people, if you aren't getting anything out of it at the time?
    The victim of a con man is getting a thing out of it at the time.
    This is exactly the con man trick.

    Your question is inane. No offence.

  4. #44
    Blah Orangey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wildcat View Post
    The victim of a con man is getting a thing out of it at the time.
    This is exactly the con man trick.

    Your question is inane. No offence.
    I agree. Nobody voluntarily engages in activities without some sort of motivation. And people are not motivated by what makes makes them feel bad/is bad for them, but rather what makes them feel good/is good for them. Therefore all people have something to gain from activities in which they voluntarily participate. Merely pointing that out says nothing about this particular situation.
    Artes, Scientia, Veritasiness

  5. #45
    cast shadows metaphours's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wildcat View Post
    The victim of a con man is getting a thing out of it at the time.
    This is exactly the con man trick.

    Your question is inane. No offence.
    Thank you for your opinion, but if I told you what to do with your advice, I'd be banned.

  6. #46
    Blah Orangey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by metaphours View Post
    Thank you for your opinion, but if I told you what to do with your advice, I'd be banned.
    Wait, why?
    Artes, Scientia, Veritasiness

  7. #47
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by musicheck View Post
    From reading your response, OrangeAppled, I think what I'm doing isn't so bad. We talk regularly (usually on AIM). Only twice since I've ever known her have I brought up my emotions without her asking, and I generally only talk about myself when she asks. We talk about her like maybe 70% of the time, but still, I can come across as pretty unsympathetic. Given that things rarely change (she just kind of floats along often), I have trouble biting my lip and being as kind as would be ideal.


    She has plenty of friends like this. (The worst example I can think of was a guy who hooked up with her for a couple weeks and then said he dumped her because he didn't realize he wouldn't like her when she was happy.) I often tell her to cut the parasites out of her life, but again, its hard to say that in an uncritical way. She agrees but claims she is incapable of taking advice.

    Also, I only feel like I can really relate to her emphatically when I'm feeling kind of down myself. Its not that I don't care otherwise, but I only do so in a more detached and analytic way. What's the best way to treat someone who repeatedly gets stuck in the pattern discussed in this thread? While I do think I'm overall good to her, there's a part of me that disparages my treatment of her as just using her as a way to help me feel my own pain and then looking down on her otherwise.

    (Again, if people feel I'm intruding on this topic with my own personal stuff, do let me know if this is out of line and self-absorbed. I'm still a but unsure of the social norms on how segregated NF/NT/SP/SJ forums are.)

    Well, INFPs can sometimes get stuck in an unhealthy self-critical, hopeless loop where they complain about the same things, but fail to take action. Being idealists, they may set insanely high standards for themselves. When people criticize harshly, it just adds to the heap of crap on their shoulders and erodes their self-worth.

    It sounds like you are there to listen, but become critical of her for basically just "wallowing". INFPs do not respond well to criticism unless it's served constructively. In situations like this, if you give them advice as if the solution is sooo obvious, it seems to imply that they were too dumb to see it themselves and that their feelings are not valid. That reinforces that the INFP is weak and incapable. The idea of doing anything becomes overwhelmingly impossible, so the INFP just retreats again.

    As I brought out in another post, try encouraging tactics in these situations that are constructive. Build your friend up by reminding her of her good qualities. Point out past accomplishments in which she overcame something (even if small). Remind her of her worth as a person and a friend.
    By doing this, you make the INFP realize they are capable of applying advice and making changes in their life. It also helps them realize they deserve people in their life who treat them well, and not "parasites".

    Oh, and I think this is a bit different situation from the OP....
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  8. #48
    Senior Member r0wo1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by metaphours View Post
    Thank you for your opinion, but if I told you what to do with your advice, I'd be banned.
    That was a tad bit harsh wasn't it?
    r0wo1 the destroyer of threads has struck again...

  9. #49
    cast shadows metaphours's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by r0wo1 View Post
    That was a tad bit harsh wasn't it?
    rofl waffle

  10. #50
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    I've learned to identify those people and take them for what and who they are. I enjoy helping them, being close to them, and learning from them and they in turn are usually quite grateful for any help I can provide. If I notice that it *is* in fact taking me for granted that they do, then I cut them out, even before they themselves leave.

    But I'm aware from the beginning that they will at some point leave, or at least be less intense with me. And I'm fine with that. It's their need that created the intensity and once that need has been fulfilled it automatically diminishes. Sure, it's always a bit sad when that does happen, but I'm happy to have the memories and the experience and I'll gloat a bit that their life is better becoz of me

    And on occasion, you will find the odd individual who will prove to be a special person, who you are so in sync with that they are worth holding on to, and usually, they'll feel the same about you. Those tend to stick around no matter what and become your best friend. They'll be the ones that will help you once you've helped them, as they sense *your* need. And they'll be a source for personal growth for you as much as you are to them. Those are the actual connections that are worth keeping.

    Friendships have their purposes and their expiration date. Only a handful of 'em will last a lifetime as their purpose is neverending. Finding those people though...not always easy
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





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