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  1. #21
    cast shadows metaphours's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    I've heard this before. I really think that it's feeling selfless but not actually being selfless. People will use others, but it's not the overwhelming thing that people do. Maybe people feel your selfless acts and realize it's not about them, it's more about you. I'm having a hard time articulating this.
    I'm having a hard time understanding what you're actually talking about...

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    It's always good to keep a realistic view about people. If I'm going to help them, I ask myself "what will I get out of this? Will they reciprocate?" If it involves money I'll ask myself "will I realistically get paid back?" etc.
    That's so true. Sometimes I feel as if I want to do that, but then I always second guess myself. I don't know why. I think it might be because I feel like if I were in a situation where I needed help, advice, etc., I would want someone to help me out; So I just feel like I'm doing unto others as I would have them do unto me, I suppose.

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    When they are using me for something that isn't a material thing... Well I pick up on it and blow them off. You do the whole "doorslam" thing. I'd suggest you getting good at it.
    rofl, what do you mean by "doorslam" though?

    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    Perhaps they did care for you, a symbiotic relationship was created, but they just moved on.

    Here is something to think about. There are many ways that bonds between people can be formed. A mutual struggle is one such way. The problem is that once one or both people are in a better place, that force that drew them together no longer exists.

    So unless they've forged something deeper by that time, *poof*. The bonding materials disappear, and you guys go your separate ways. It doesn't mean that the bond was any less real, though.

    Of course, there are other explanations - such as the fact that if you are a giver you will often attract takers.
    Hmm, I guess this makes sense, but it's still frustrating how people feel like they can just abandon you after all that you've been through - and I mean like months of supposed "friendship."

  2. #22
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by metaphours View Post
    That's so true. Sometimes I feel as if I want to do that, but then I always second guess myself. I don't know why. I think it might be because I feel like if I were in a situation where I needed help, advice, etc., I would want someone to help me out; So I just feel like I'm doing unto others as I would have them do unto me, I suppose.
    Yeah, I agree with this. But you need to put a realistic limit on what you do. REAL people besides you do this, they won't realistically give their fortune to a homeless guy, they'll give him some change or a dollar. You know what I mean. Just be reasonable about it.

    Quote Originally Posted by metaphours View Post
    rofl, what do you mean by "doorslam" though?
    The INFP doorslam is basically when you totally shut someone out of your life, never think of them again (or try not to is usually how it works, then later you don't), etc.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  3. #23
    cast shadows metaphours's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    Yeah, I agree with this. But you need to put a realistic limit on what you do. REAL people besides you do this, they won't realistically give their fortune to a homeless guy, they'll give him some change or a dollar. You know what I mean. Just be reasonable about it.
    You've got a point

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    The INFP doorslam is basically when you totally shut someone out of your life, never think of them again (or try not to is usually how it works, then later you don't), etc.
    Oh yes... I've done this before

  4. #24
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    I've heard this before. I really think that it's feeling selfless but not actually being selfless. People will use others, but it's not the overwhelming thing that people do. Maybe people feel your selfless acts and realize it's not about them, it's more about you. I'm having a hard time articulating this.
    Quote Originally Posted by metaphours View Post
    I'm having a hard time understanding what you're actually talking about...
    That's one possibility that I was trying to tiptoe about, since I'm not sure if I'm doing a favor by bringing it up.

    The idea is that your selfless acts aren't so selfless, afterall. You tried to buy their friendship by being nice, and they eventually figured out that your generosity came with strings attached. Once they sensed that, they bolted.

  5. #25
    cast shadows metaphours's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    That's one possibility that I was trying to tiptoe about, since I'm not sure if I'm doing a favor by bringing it up.

    The idea is that your selfless acts aren't so selfless, afterall. You tried to buy their friendship by being nice, and they eventually figured out that your generosity came with strings attached. Once they sensed that, they bolted.
    Ehh, I disagree. I don't buy people's friendship because first of all I don't typically walk up to people and become friends with them. It's the other way around. So they're the ones who fold into the pseudo-friendship to begin with.

  6. #26
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by metaphours View Post
    Ehh, I disagree. I don't buy people's friendship desire to have friends that I connect with because first of all I don't typically walk up to people and become friends with them. It's the other way around. So they're the ones who fold into the pseudo-friendship to begin with.
    Hmm... so I guess the above is true as well. Anyway, fair enough. I will relent. No matter how you cut it it's a terrible feeling to find out that someone you had thought you connected with was just using you. You have my sympathy, even if I mix it with a bit of bluntness.

    I know an NT dies everytime the word is said, but Blackcat's advice on establishing boundaries is good. Know how far you will go with someone without you needing them to show appreciation, communicate it, and stand by it. That will protect you in the future.

  7. #27
    cast shadows metaphours's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    Hmm... so I guess the above is true as well. Anyway, fair enough. I will relent. No matter how you cut it it's a terrible feeling to find out that someone you had thought you connected with was just using you. You have my sympathy, even if I mix it with a bit of bluntness.

    I know an NT dies everytime the word is said, but Blackcat's advice on establishing boundaries is good. Know how far you will go with someone without you needing them to show appreciation, communicate it, and stand by it. That will protect you in the future.
    You have a great point.
    Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it guys

  8. #28
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    It's something I struggle with as well. I have one IRL friend (you know who you are) besides my husband that feels like a friendship of equals and not just someone who only calls me when they need something.

    I know there are several reasons for this. One reason is probably abandonment issues: I feel more secure being the needed instead of the needy. Another reason is my introversion: I don't put a lot of effort into seeking people out or into maintaining relationships. There's also insecurity: if I really let someone get to know me they will stop liking me.

    OTOH, I'm very loyal, fairly compassionate, and have issues with guilt, so I let things go farther than they should once someone has taken the time to cultivate a friendship with me.

    The Boundaries Book helped some. I mean, I'm somewhat more likely to know when I'm letting someone take advantage of me than I used to be, but I still have a long way to go. I've had Codependent No More recommended to me by more than one person, but I haven't read it yet. I'm kind of afraid to look.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  9. #29
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by metaphours View Post
    I think as INFPs, we're just so willing to give our all, you know? Like if someone needs help, we're one of the few people to actually give them it. And not just help, it's help from the heart, help that matters because we actually care about that person, no matter if we just met, or if we've been friends forever.
    So did you think you were becoming friends with them for the long run (developing a relationship) or did you see yourself 'being a friend'?

    Sometimes people are in need and they are motivated by making themselves feel better. It's completely situational and opportunistic.

    As long as you can clearly see that before extending yourself, things might be okay. But, even if you understand that, I think it can be hard for XNFPs to set good boundaries and realistic expectations.

    I see INFPs getting railroaded all the time, and I've been there myself. After a point, I took the "locus of control" back to myself. Just speaking for myself, instead of blaming others for being selfish, deceitful, childish, etc. - I put the responsibility squarely on myself for letting it happen.

    The thing us, I think a lot of, if not all of the time, you know when you are getting taken advantage of but you allow it to happen for...X, Y, Z reasons?

    Once you figure out what those X, Y, Z reasons are and recognize the patterns, you can prevent it from happening again.

    It doesn't hurt to value your own time and energy more and to be more selective. If someone is hurting and you turn them away, it's not the end of the world. They will find something or someone else. In fact, you may be giving them a valuable lesson.

    There will always be people in need in the world, one of these days, you will be that person - and if you keep going like this, you'll be in need SPECIFICALLY because of all the people you feel used you.

    Leave something for yourself.

    You will find that there are quality people who want quality relationships with you but all this attention you give to the needy gets in the way.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

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  10. #30
    cast shadows metaphours's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    So did you think you were becoming friends with them for the long run (developing a relationship) or did you see yourself 'being a friend'?
    I typically tend to think we're going to be developing a relationship when it comes to becoming friends with people.

    Sometimes people are in need and they are motivated by making themselves feel better. It's completely situational and opportunistic.
    Especially when the person in question is a histrionic bitch.

    As long as you can clearly see that before extending yourself, things might be okay. But, even if you understand that, I think it can be hard for XNFPs to set good boundaries and realistic expectations.
    It's hard because whenever someone extends themselves to me or vice versa and we begin a friendship, I get so excited and don't even fathom the notion that they could be using me or something like that.

    I see INFPs getting railroaded all the time, and I've been there myself. After a point, I took the "locus of control" back to myself. Just speaking for myself, instead of blaming others for being selfish, deceitful, childish, etc. - I put the responsibility squarely on myself for letting it happen.
    Yes, that's what I'm doing now, blaming myself for ever becoming friends with such selfish parasites like the one's I've mentioned.

    The thing us, I think a lot of, if not all of the time, you know when you are getting taken advantage of but you allow it to happen for...X, Y, Z reasons?
    When you're an INFP, you're mostly likely blissfully aware of the fact that someone could be using you, because your so delighted that you're becoming so close to someone. That's how I feel atleast.

    It doesn't hurt to value your own time and energy more and to be more selective. If someone is hurting and you turn them away, it's not the end of the world. They will find something or someone else. In fact, you may be giving them a valuable lesson.
    I'm already quite selective with who I become close with. Which is in turn why when somebody does begin getting closer to me I get EXTREMELY excited and blinded by the fact that I can actually get along with someone.

    There will always be people in need in the world, one of these days, you will be that person - and if you keep going like this, you'll be in need SPECIFICALLY because of all the people you feel used you.

    Leave something for yourself.

    You will find that there are quality people who want quality relationships with you but all this attention you give to the needy gets in the way.
    Hmmm, I see. So I should stop giving people the attention they want? That actually makes sense.

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