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  1. #1
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    Default ENFPs & destroying relationships

    Hey ENFPs . . . have you ever done this? You are dating / seeing someone & the relationship is starting to actually feel like it may work out & you all of a sudden out of nowhere start telling the person how horrible you are. You list off all of your bad qualities & insecurities because you do not have the patience for the slow unraveling of getting to know each other . . . and you are like, "this is me - - you sure you want this???" . . . you feel like you are preventing future hurt for yourself . . . but what you've really done is you've probably ruined everything & terrified the other person & you probably appear schizophrenic / bipolar to them . . . any comments / stories / confessions / insight . . . ???

  2. #2
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Yup. It's where we finally let out that Shadow side of ourselves, when we bare all to the person we love and hope, pray that they will still love you after, even though you don't really know how they could possibly. It's the need to be completely honest and blunt with the other person and the moment where you feel so close that you might even wanna push them away a little. Done too early it can be quite effective at chasing people away. But when done at the right time..it can create the most intense bond between you two.

    Those that stay, accept those traits, even love you for it and especially those that go: I already knew this about you a long time ago and it never phased me..those are the people you treasure forever and are worth keeping. Don't ever let them go
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  3. #3
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    thanks amargith, i feel much better . . . i did this last night- i sent like 25 texts from like 1am - 3am to my kind of beau & this morning i got a text back from him saying . . . we are going to talk about every one of your texts . . . i scared but happy that he wants to "talk it out" but YOU really helped me to understand myself . . . so thank you i don't feel like such a destructive insane freak anymore.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Coeur's Avatar
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    I think that's normal. [I'm an INFP, but yeah.] Whenever someone likes me a lot, I'm like: 'oh yeah? Well THIS is how I really am- what do you think now?' I don't want their feelings for me to die because they idealized me too much. I'd feel a lot better knowing if they thought I was a freak and liked me, rather than thinking I was amazing.

    At the same time, listing off attributes is different than living those attributes. For example, if you said that you are controlling, the person might get a much stronger picture of that in their head that exceeds how the trait actually presents itself. The flip side is true, you may mention a horrible flaw and they don't believe you because they can't see it. So, I don't think it is neccessary to list off flaws, but I don't think it's neccessarily a bad thing. It will bring you comfort.
    Everybody needs love.

  5. #5
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Yes, I also find myself discussing other guy friends at that point, just to make sure the person is able to deal with me being good friends with guys.

    I always try to make my bad traits obvious because I don't want someone falling for a "fake Laurie." People don't always want to see it though, and can fall for the fake because that is what they want to fall for anyway.

    I think it's better to do it in a slow manner.

  6. #6
    HAHHAHHAH! INTJ123's Avatar
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    you guys are funny. This is like a game or test.

  7. #7
    mountain surfing nomadic's Avatar
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    actually, yeah I am kind of honest about what i don't like or what makes me kind of sketchy about that person.

    if its something they can change, its cool if they at least try to change it. if its something that they can't change, like they have super ugly feet, then i don't really care as much. but i'll make fun of them about it. lolz~ but if they don't laugh, then i'll stop making fun. haha

    but making fun of them is a sign for me at least that i somewhat like them. cus if i didn't like them, i wouldn't even make the effort to make fun of them.

  8. #8
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    Actually...no, I don't unleash telling people my shortcomings or flaws. I feel they are self-evident.

    Especially if I'm dating someone. I don't ever "dump" on someone and hope they will care enough not to be scared off, because honestly, that does sound like a game or test like INTJ123 commented. I know that more than your actual "flaws" it's how you approach and handle your flaws and also the confidence in yourself, the other person, and the relationship that make or break it.

    I DO want to feel I can talk about anything and vice with my partner though. And momentary freak outs (like you describe) are very normal when it comes to dating and when you get to those stages of intimacy and the relationship is getting deeper.

    However, when people start letting me know too much, too soon, I take that as a sign. To watch out.

    Also, momentary freak out is one thing, but deep-seated belief systems are a totally different animal.

    If you yourself doubt that anyone can trust or love you, or doubt your own ability to have a successful relationship with anyone - after a point there's not much I or anyone else can do about that. And those are sabotaging belief systems.

    So I try to keep a cool head when I feel an urge to freak out. I haven't had an urge to or an actual freak out in a long time.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  9. #9
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    It's not a game. It's an urge to share everything that you are with someone. I think a lot of us tend to keep our shadow side to ourselves and will process difficult moments, stressors and other htings that can bring out our shadow side alone as to not burden others. Someone who we really like, and who comes closer (which is quite exhilirating and scary at the same time) is going to find that shadow side at some point. Also, we want to be honest with them. Hence at some point those gates open. It's hard to moderate the flow of what comes out. And you just end up praying that the other person can take it and is willing to.
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  10. #10

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    Hahah, not to resurrect an old thread but this seriously made me giggle. My boyfriend started to do this to me before we were involved at all, actually. And then when we were, he just got insecure.

    I'm always reminded of him when I hear the Massive Attack lyrics to Karmacoma; "You sure you want to be with me? I've nothin' to give." I think he can also amplify his own problems and in the past I didn't help him in that area, either.

    I actually don't mind such a forthright approach with potential problems or flaws. Hell, I prefer over putting on a face of perfection. Love isn't true unless you can accept a person for all their faults, and as I figure it, you might as well know what those are sooner than later.

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