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  1. #21
    Member tess2008's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    I will go about 95% of the time to anything I am invited to. I'm not an introvert who turns down invites. My failing is not planning and inviting people myself.

    I've often used to feel I was in the "fallback" role, or I called it "the last resort". There's no one else? Well, OrangeAppled will show if we invite her. I know I can be very quiet in social events, so maybe people just didn't see me as "fun" or I was easily forgettable (ouch....).

    I don't experience this as much anymore (rarely, if ever), but as a teen it was painfully apparent.
    I'm the same. When I was a child, I would turn down invitations about 50 percent of the time. Suddenly, when I was about 12 years old, I developed the belief that I was missing out on life and alienating myself from others, and promised myself that I would never decline invitations from others again.

    since then it's ridiculous how reliable I am as 'someone to drag somewhere.' I will always say yes, even if I desperately don't want to, because I'm so afraid of letting people down. Unfortunately, this hasn't worked in my favor, because I'm invited to things other people say no to because they're ridiculous or dangerous or boring, and things everyone is invited to I'm conveniently left out of.
    stop taking advantage of NF's people!! :steam:

  2. #22
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    I am either on people's A list or their Z list, lol, very little in between.

  3. #23
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shimsham View Post
    I think that feeling like an "afterthought" is sort of the plight of INFs, since we're very sensitive to social minutiae and we tend to enjoy bouts of solitude. I have a tendency (as I think many INFJs do) to want to be invited to everything, even if I'll maybe accept about 20% of the invitations.

    Most of my closer friends invite me to things that they know I'll enjoy, usually something outdoors, artsy, or involving a smaller group of people or a closer group of friends. Sometimes they don't invite me to louder, bigger get-togethers, clubs, etc, but this is because I often don't enjoy them as much or turn down those invitations a lot. So if I'm feeling particularly social I take the initiative and ask people what they're doing for the weekend, or if they want to have a party, go out, etc. I can't expect people to always know what social phase I'm going through, so I try to make my complicated "moods" a little easier to follow.

    On the other hand, I've definitely had a handful of friends who seemed to invite me to hang out when all other options failed. Some of these were people I'd known for awhile and considered fairly close friends, and it was frustrating and hurtful. Over time, these friendships have fizzled out. Now I look back and realize that these friendships were often with extroverts or sensors, who sort of didn't "get me" on some level. They were the ones who maybe saw me as a bit of a wet blanket (I'm just guessing here), while my more introverted friends can see me as the life of the party. I was a useful friend to have because I listened when they were feeling down, and I'm very laid back and accommodating- perfect for those last minute invites. Those were very one-sided relationships that I've learned to avoid getting into as I get older.
    This is almost word for word many of my experiences/feelings with these situations... And I'm glad I'm not the only unreasonable INFJ who would like to be invited to everything by everyone I consider a friend, although I would turn down a good number of those invites!

  4. #24
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post


    Yeah, that happens and it's hurtful. People are always looking for a better deal. Please don't take this personally, but I can think of a handful of people of the top of my head in my social circle that everyone lets out a collective groan when they come around. These cringe-inducing people have this odd sociability but they're not very fun to be around, in groups or one-on-one. Could there perhaps be a perception of you as a wet blanket?
    In general, I don't think so. I think most people who know me in some capacity either like me quite a lot, or don't think of me much at all/forget my existence a lot (as opposed to disliking me or actively considering me a wet blanket).

    I did think about this though and you have a point. I can think of at least one person who I think I may have given the wet blanket impression to and that may have scuppered a friendship, though I'm not sure it was a terrible loss. I thought we were gradually getting to know each other better and we'd hung out a bit and had a couple of good chats. But sometimes when I feel relaxed around someone I end up opening up too much - and probably based on how I was feeling right then, I think I may have moaned about life to her. And I think she may have concluded I was depressing/a wet blanket and been totally disinterested in me after that. However - it's also worth noting (off topic) that she became totally disinterested in me around the time a rather attractive guy came on the scene, who I was friends with (but not more than friends). She was VERY eager to be friends with him and the disinterest with me seemed to come around the same time. Could be a coincidence but I was suspicious.

    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post

    Also, sometimes you like a person more than they like you and when you begin to realize where you fall on their list of friends it feels like a rejection, well because it is rejection. They probably like you just not as much as some of their other friends. I don't think there's anything that can be done about that. Is it not their prerogative to prioritize the people around them? It's like speed dial and thinking you're someone's three of four when you're really 56. If you're not being used, mistreated, and/or disrespected maybe your best bet is to start figure out if you want to be someone's 56. It actually may work in your favor because they may not notice that your feelings towards their friendship have cooled. Also there's a certain level of acceptance you have to have about these things. Some friends are just casual friends that you see every now and again and who's company you enjoy but it's not anything more. Can you trump someone's will and make it more when they don't want it to be?
    This is a good point too. A very good point. Actually, it's one of those things I have been thinking about recently, that in a way seems like it's always been obvious, but I haven't really come to terms with it until recently (actually, I'm not sure I've come to terms with it, but I'm trying). Someone said to me not long ago "even though you consider someone your best friend, they might not consider you theirs." It wasn't about anyone specific, just a general thing, but I found it rather painful. I think it's true, though. This is the reality of human relationships and sometimes it is hard to acknowledge. I mean, hopefully if you have a few people you consider "best friends" (which I do), at least one or two of them will also consider you one of their "best friends" (and I think that's the case for me). But it is very likely and even inevitable that you will have friends that you value very very highly for one reason or another, and to them you're a friend, but considerably lower down the list - for one reason or another. And we may have friends who rank us higher than we rank them, too. Examples of both sides in my life are springing to mind. It's better to accept this but I think it can be hard for an idealist!

  5. #25
    Senior Member Kyrielle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    You know how you may sometimes get a last-minute invite from a friend to do something – because they turned out to have one space left, one extra ticket, etc? Does that ever actually make you end up feeling insulted?
    It really depends on the person who invited me and what I know about them. Most of the time, I suspect it's a benign occurrance where everyone who was invited happened to be around at the time and got it all organised, and then they wanted to find a couple of other people to invite. Or everything was set to go, but then someone got sick or had something come up, so they called me eventhough I wasn't there for the planning.

    It's a positive thing in most cases, I think.

    Though, I'm not often the "fallback girl". I'm either in on it straight away or not invited at all (because they don't know me well enough or think I wouldn't enjoy whatever activity it is or know I'm busy).
    "I took the one less traveled by,
    And that has made all the difference."

    Robert Frost

  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orangey View Post
    In high school, I used to periodically feel bad when people treated me as an afterthought, because it always reminded me of the fact that I had no real friends. I only had acquaintances. I had no close group to whom my presence was always of principle (or even some) importance. I would have preferred that they didn't invite me at all, so that I wouldn't be forced to think about the fact that nobody really knew or liked me.
    That sounds kind of like me in high school. Its weird, because most of the people I knew in high school I had no inclination to hang out with. To be honest, I found them boring. Most of the things seniors like to do involve alcohol, and where i live, we do more clubbing than house parties. I really don't like clubbing. I can never get into the music, because I don't like dance music. And I feel so uneasy putting my arms around some random girls waist to make her grind on me, that it comes across and she pulls away instead. The only good thing about clubs is when its open bar. And even then, because so many people come, you wait around 10 min for 1 drink. So already, I had excluded 90% of the people in my year group.

    Then I had my old "group", the gamers' group. Consisting mainly of guys from my accelerated math class, as well as just avid gamers. Since I never really got into gaming as much as most, it was kind of boring too for me. It comes across, and consequently i get less invites.

    Yep, I was an afterthought. Simply because I preferred to know people on a 1-to-1 basis rather than in big groups. It was ok though, because I just didn't want to hang with them in the first place.

    PS Nice signature lol. Good to see a fellow citizen.

  7. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    You know how you may sometimes get a last-minute invite from a friend to do something – because they turned out to have one space left, one extra ticket, etc? Does that ever actually make you end up feeling insulted?
    No. The fact that they bothered to invite me at all tells me they do think of me somehow, even if it is in a "fallback" context.

    HOWEVER, if they tell me in the very next breath something like:


    “With you it was pushing it.”
    Even if I did just accept the invitation, I would now be questioning whether I should be there or not now that I've been told I'd be an inconvenience to the hosts. What makes me want to be in their house if they can't be courteous enough to keep that information to themselves? What makes me think I won't get more of the same treatment when I'm there? Why did they invite me over if my filling their empty seat was such a bother?

    That said, I would retract my acceptance, rent some movies from Blockbuster, order a pizza, and spend the night watching movies with my friend. If they have to ask, I'll toss them a line of BS about some unexpected project that just came up. Like having to rent a RugDoctor and shampoo the carpets because the invisible dog just puked his guts up all over the place. Ever try getting invisible barf stains out of brand-new carpet? It's a hassle, lemme tell ya...

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