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  1. #11

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    I'm normally like, cool I get to go! Like I love that I get a free ticket, or someone has one. If my best friend got everyone else a ticket, and left me out, then I was the fallback, obviously I'd be offended. I don't need to be high up on everyone's list though. And say my best friend was going with another friendship group of his who I didn't know as well, then I wouldn't be offended to not be invited. Like unless I see any ill intent, it's a whatever issue.

    On the topic, last minute invites mean nothing. Just means you won't part of the core organising group. Which pretty much tends to be the few people who came up with the idea to have dinner and get people together. At least with my friends, things seem to grow from there, not always in any organised fashion. They may not have wanted your friend along who knew no one, or they may not have had enough places, or any number of reasons. If they hated you or didn't want you there though, they wouldn't have bothered with the invite and just gone ahead without even letting you know.
    Freude, schöner Götterfunken Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! Deine Zauber binden wieder Was die Mode streng geteilt; Alle Menschen werden Brüder, Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.

  2. #12
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    This thread gives me the chills. I'm always running around and forget about things/people/appointments/everything all the time. And when people pop into my mind, I feel pleased that I remembered them before it's too late and rush to invite them to things last minute. It makes me feel bad that people take it so... personally, in a negative way.

  3. #13
    "Everything in its place" fill's Avatar
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    I can relate to a lot of this, and I used to be frustrated that I was 'the fallback', but I soon realized that I'm only the fallback for a little while, and instead of spending time with me because other plans fell through, I begin to become the plan in the first place.

    About not coming through on plans: I'm really patient, so when someone cancels plans, I feel sort of down, but I soon get over it. I remember an ENFP friend of mine cancelled our plans almost every day for two weeks; I didn't take it personally, and I really could have, but I doubt our friendship would be as strong if I did.
    "Poor bastard. Wait 'till he sees the bats. "
    enneagram - 7/5/3

  4. #14
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad
    Anyway, the point was not that this happens to me all the time with everyone. It doesn't. I have a good number of friends who mostly/a lot/always think to include me, which is great. It was more a question of whether you feel insulted when the fallback situation arises or seems to arise, how your type might affect that, and how circumstances might affect that. Apparently it isn't much a problem for you, which is fine.
    See, that's what you have to remember. You're not fallback material for your closest friends. What does it matter if you are for people you aren't so close with? That's natural. If you were to plan a dinner party right this minute, you'd include your closest friends first, most likely. And if one of them fell through, you might start thinking, "Who else would be fun to invite, that might not mind a last minute invitation?" And you would call that person. If they didn't want you there at all, you would never have even been the fallback.

    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    This; it's this. That's how I see it when stuff like you describe goes down.

    But as far as being the fallback, I think with some friends you are closer than others and that's just natural. You're on the team, just not on the starting line-up. No doubt you have friends equally positioned.

    Sending you a big !
    Yep.

    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    This thread gives me the chills. I'm always running around and forget about things/people/appointments/everything all the time. And when people pop into my mind, I feel pleased that I remembered them before it's too late and rush to invite them to things last minute. It makes me feel bad that people take it so... personally, in a negative way.
    I've done this, too. Being NTP, I hardly ever plan anything in advance anyway. More likely how it happens is I'm hanging out with a group of people and we all decide it would be fun to have a dinner party with actual plates and dressing up and stuff. :-P So whomever's there at the time gets an automatic invite. Maybe later I think of another friend I think might dig the idea, so I invite them, knowing that it's short notice, but if they don't have plans, maybe they'd like to come. It's not always an indication of their friend status.

    Also, maybe I'm having a couple of friends from work, or from church, or from the band, or whatever group. Maybe you don't normally hang with these particular people, or even know them, but I think of you and invite you anyway. There's no insult in that.

    Having said that, there ARE people who will always use you as their fallback. They will only invite you if people they really want to hang with are busy. If I get that vibe, I'll usually just politely decline. I see it as more their issue than mine, though.
    Something Witty

  5. #15
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    When you're the fallback, (I'm going with what protean is saying here, I totally agree) you have to make the effort to NOT be the fallback. I've went from the secondary guy, to the first guy that they call just because I'm willing to hang out. Also I'm aware of the fact that people being the fallback happens. I do it, other people do it, it's a fact of socializing in my opinion.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  6. #16
    Member shimsham's Avatar
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    I think that feeling like an "afterthought" is sort of the plight of INFs, since we're very sensitive to social minutiae and we tend to enjoy bouts of solitude. I have a tendency (as I think many INFJs do) to want to be invited to everything, even if I'll maybe accept about 20% of the invitations.

    Most of my closer friends invite me to things that they know I'll enjoy, usually something outdoors, artsy, or involving a smaller group of people or a closer group of friends. Sometimes they don't invite me to louder, bigger get-togethers, clubs, etc, but this is because I often don't enjoy them as much or turn down those invitations a lot. So if I'm feeling particularly social I take the initiative and ask people what they're doing for the weekend, or if they want to have a party, go out, etc. I can't expect people to always know what social phase I'm going through, so I try to make my complicated "moods" a little easier to follow.

    On the other hand, I've definitely had a handful of friends who seemed to invite me to hang out when all other options failed. Some of these were people I'd known for awhile and considered fairly close friends, and it was frustrating and hurtful. Over time, these friendships have fizzled out. Now I look back and realize that these friendships were often with extroverts or sensors, who sort of didn't "get me" on some level. They were the ones who maybe saw me as a bit of a wet blanket (I'm just guessing here), while my more introverted friends can see me as the life of the party. I was a useful friend to have because I listened when they were feeling down, and I'm very laid back and accommodating- perfect for those last minute invites. Those were very one-sided relationships that I've learned to avoid getting into as I get older.

  7. #17
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    I will go about 95% of the time to anything I am invited to. I'm not an introvert who turns down invites. My failing is not planning and inviting people myself.

    I've often used to feel I was in the "fallback" role, or I called it "the last resort". There's no one else? Well, OrangeAppled will show if we invite her. I know I can be very quiet in social events, so maybe people just didn't see me as "fun" or I was easily forgettable (ouch....).

    I don't experience this as much anymore (rarely, if ever), but as a teen it was painfully apparent.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  8. #18
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    I don't care about being last to be picked as long as they can handle the possibility that I have something else planned. Otherwise I'm just happy to be considered.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  9. #19
    Blah Orangey's Avatar
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    In high school, I used to periodically feel bad when people treated me as an afterthought, because it always reminded me of the fact that I had no real friends. I only had acquaintances. I had no close group to whom my presence was always of principle (or even some) importance. I would have preferred that they didn't invite me at all, so that I wouldn't be forced to think about the fact that nobody really knew or liked me. Most of the time I didn't care or rationalized it as being exactly what I wanted, but every so often I'd get a little depressed or feel a little dejected/sensitive about my relationships with other people. Probably inferior Fe popping up under stress.

    One thing I couldn't do, however, was blame the others. I knew that I hardly let anybody know that I liked them, or that I considered them to be my friends, so how could I expect that they'd treat me as their close friend? In fact, I often rejected as unimportant the very things that make friendship possible, such as hanging out (I thought this was a pointless waste of time), going to parties/events (even more pointless), and sharing my feelings/personal information (fat chance). So I was always the weird quiet girl who nobody knew anything about, but who might every so often get invited out because she's sometimes funny in a sarcastic way. My acting either quiet and shy or bored and sarcastic on such occasions didn't help to build the relationships up, either.

    Knowing all this, even at the time, didn't stop me from feeling bad on occasion. So I can sympathize with the OP to a degree, especially if the person to whom you were an afterthought was someone you falsely considered/wished were closer to you. The important thing is not to blame or react badly towards others when this happens, because the problem usually isn't that the other person is inconsiderate, but rather that you are idealizing the extent to which the other person should consider you as a friend.
    Artes, Scientia, Veritasiness

  10. #20
    Senior Member SerengetiBetty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    This thread gives me the chills. I'm always running around and forget about things/people/appointments/everything all the time. And when people pop into my mind, I feel pleased that I remembered them before it's too late and rush to invite them to things last minute. It makes me feel bad that people take it so... personally, in a negative way.
    Same here.

    I'm always organizing things to do at the last minute and thinking of people at the last minute. It's nothing personal, it's just that sometimes I have other things going on and forgot to send out invites *which reminds me that I need to send out invites for my birthday next Saturday * or sometimes I'm not even sure what my plans are until last minute.

    I'm @ the #56 on the speed dial list. I haven't even set mine up yet

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