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  1. #41
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    i tend to see myself as needy, even if it isn't true, and had it pounded into me over the years that i was never to react to anything - good or bad - w/ any visible emotion or suffer the consequences of being "weak"... i was in a constant cycle of stifling and exploding... even now, i still take care of other peoples' feelings at my expense sometimes and don't realize i'm doing it... i've been treated like a life support system... i can say no now, after learning how, but it still leaves behind a sort of kneejerk guilt...

    my mother's tabby, bonhomie, i usually go outside to see him every day... he's taken some sort of fancy to me and is a very sensitive fellow... because i've been so sick and unable to move for the last three days, i haven't been able to see him, and when i went out last night for a moment to stand on the porch, he was practically hysterical, kept pressing himself against my chest and crying and putting his face right up to mine so our noses were almost touching... even though i felt horrible, i stood out there patting him b/c it pained me to see him so upset... he's normally very sedate and patient...

    if a cat can throw an emotional guilt trip on me, just imagine how people can get me...

    i remember when i was starting to get sick around 19, i came into the garage a day or two after being in the ER, and my infj foreman told me that he wanted me to go home and sleep... i told him i'd be all right, but he made me sit all day in a cool spot out of the sun with plenty of water and a manual on transmissions instead of working... my entp came in with a bad head cold and what did i do? i patted him... i was just out of the hospital and i was patting *him*...

    i really should stop that...

  2. #42
    Senior Member TopherRed's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    i tend to see myself as needy, even if it isn't true, and had it pounded into me over the years that i was never to react to anything - good or bad - w/ any visible emotion or suffer the consequences of being "weak"... i was in a constant cycle of stifling and exploding... even now, i still take care of other peoples' feelings at my expense sometimes and don't realize i'm doing it... i've been treated like a life support system... i can say no now, after learning how, but it still leaves behind a sort of kneejerk guilt...

    my mother's tabby, bonhomie, i usually go outside to see him every day... he's taken some sort of fancy to me and is a very sensitive fellow... because i've been so sick and unable to move for the last three days, i haven't been able to see him, and when i went out last night for a moment to stand on the porch, he was practically hysterical, kept pressing himself against my chest and crying and putting his face right up to mine so our noses were almost touching... even though i felt horrible, i stood out there patting him b/c it pained me to see him so upset... he's normally very sedate and patient...

    if a cat can throw an emotional guilt trip on me, just imagine how people can get me...

    i remember when i was starting to get sick around 19, i came into the garage a day or two after being in the ER, and my infj foreman told me that he wanted me to go home and sleep... i told him i'd be all right, but he made me sit all day in a cool spot out of the sun with plenty of water and a manual on transmissions instead of working... my entp came in with a bad head cold and what did i do? i patted him... i was just out of the hospital and i was patting *him*...

    i really should stop that...
    DING DING DING DING!!! The STORY OF MY LIFE! Tell it Pink.

    And no guilt trip at all intended, but the song "Killing Me Softly [With (Her?) Song]" just came on in my head.

    Thank you for understanding. Helps me pick up my cross and walk.

    They key, I THINK, is not to stop having sympathy for others (unless they're sympathy fiends), but rather to find the right INFP/INTP to help you channel all that focused negativity back into the ground where it belongs...preferably somebody you can trust who's opinion of you won't change and who won't talk to other people about how you're feeling.

    I have such a focused Ni that I am terrified of overwhelming even those counselors. I don't know.
    Love is the point.

  3. #43
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    fuzz - i've 'pulled my punches' w/ counselors too, as if they could never handle my intensity... at one point, i'd clammed up which totally defeated the purpose of talking it through... i know i need to talk about things, but i balk...

  4. #44
    Senior Member TopherRed's Avatar
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    ...btw, totally would've never hugged you irl, too afraid of people thinking I was trying to come on to you or something, lol.
    Love is the point.

  5. #45
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    lol but yeti hugs have to be special! screw those people! i want a yeti hug!

  6. #46
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HeatherC View Post
    I think this was a good thing for me to read. I think also I am realizing being ENFJ I do initiate a lot in general since I plan ahead and just plain take charge and when it is not returned I wonder what is wrong with other people? haha. And I think my needs are not expressed clearly or verbally very often until I realize they are not met! But is it wrong to expect a 50/50 relationship in terms of give and take and initiative with communication? Where is the objective in this (any introverted thinkers??help here) so that I don't take all the blame for something that is not all my part.

    I expect response to my giving with giving at some point.Working on that but for now trying to let go of some mild anger at my own expectations and giving to others.
    There is nothing wrong with wanting a 50/50 relationship with give and take. That is totally normal, and most anyone (including INFPs) is capable of this if they want to be, so there's no excuse. It's not a type indicator if someone is a crappy friend. For instance, I actually feel like I've given more to a few ENFJs than they have to me, but maybe it is just my perspective on what giving is.

    "Giving" can come in many forms, so you don't always get back in exactly the same way as you give. Sometimes you have to let go of expectations and recognize that people express themselves differently. If something is really important to you, then you have to vocalize it. One thing you admit to is not making your needs known right off the bat, and it's not fair to assume people know exactly what your individual needs are.

    But otherwise, your feelings are perfectly valid and it's natural to feel upset when you are doing all the work in a relationship.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  7. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    There is nothing wrong with wanting a 50/50 relationship with give and take. That is totally normal, and most anyone (including INFPs) is capable of this if they want to be, so there's no excuse. It's not a type indicator if someone is a crappy friend. For instance, I actually feel like I've given more to a few ENFJs than they have to me, but maybe it is just my perspective on what giving is.

    "Giving" can come in many forms, so you don't always get back in exactly the same way as you give. Sometimes you have to let go of expectations and recognize that people express themselves differently. If something is really important to you, then you have to vocalize it. One thing you admit to is not making your needs known right off the bat, and it's not fair to assume people know exactly what your individual needs are.

    But otherwise, your feelings are perfectly valid and it's natural to feel upset when you are doing all the work in a relationship.
    I can tell you that when it comes to giving with an ENFJ it is hard for an ISTP to figure out, especially when you are close. There enjoyment is doing things for others, but doing things with them for others is not really for them. It is time spent together. This ends up comsuming alot of time so if I tag along alot of my time is spent not helping them, but helping others.

  8. #48
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    They key, I THINK, is not to stop having sympathy for others (unless they're sympathy fiends), but rather to find the right INFP/INTP to help you channel all that focused negativity back into the ground where it belongs...preferably somebody you can trust who's opinion of you won't change and who won't talk to other people about how you're feeling.
    i am friends with an ENFJ who i have known for several years. we talk on the phone maybe once every month or two. she'll ask some questions about me but mostly i'll listen and hear about everything that's been going on in her personal life since we last talked: all the happy, frustrating and sad moments. i'll reassure where she needs reassuring or apply logic if it's needed. i value this role i have in her life and she equally values the role i provide for her.

  9. #49
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    being told you're exhausting all your life even when you're behaving yourself curtails any sort of openness...

  10. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    being told you're exhausting all your life even when you're behaving yourself curtails any sort of openness...
    exhausting how?

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