• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[ENFJ] ENFJ's and emotional needs?

Thursday

Earth Exalted
Joined
Mar 14, 2008
Messages
3,960
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
8w9
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
You need and want someone who meets your communication needs and returns them, 10fold.

Simply find those that speak your language. Some friends, like yours, can only do what they can do. They should not, and I am guessing are not expected to fulfill such desideratum.
 

Scott N Denver

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2009
Messages
2,898
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
[QUOTE
One thing ENFJs could do more to have their emotional needs met is to open up more about themselves. ENFJs are good at making other people feel good and finding out all about them, but they can hold back their inner self. As an INFP, I am best at meeting the needs of people when they open up to me. INFPs are known for having people confide in them and being good listeners and offering a lot of insight and advice, but I swear you ENFJs can be hard nuts. :D I can prod my ENFJ friends and they just brush everything off with a joke.... On occasion one will dig deeper into their head and pull something out to share, and that's when our bond strengthens and I can bust out my skills.

Yeah but this is exactly what wasn't enough. Just listening and then forgetting to call and initiate..initiate anything...and then I noticed INFP's or this one is reflexive to a stressed phone caller and she will get up to talk with the person needing help.

And I just kinda realized I am just one more distressed person and I can share my inner self with her and like one other person period and she can't even take initiate, have A facial expression, or verbal appreciation. SO I stopped calling and she fell off the face of the planet...way to go INFP's. Share my inner self and all I got was this....:cry:[/QUOTE]

Hey! Don't dump on all of us, some of us can be quite pleasant and delightful!

Ok, now I'm a little bit confused here. But I'll address what I understand. Maybe things will clear up for me as I go.

Hmmmm. Initiating, I've had the opposite problem personally. I contact other people, but they are very busy and take a while to get back to you. "I know lots of people, I constantly have to let old people "go" to make room for dealing with all the new people." With that said, initiating generally isn't oe of our strengths, and even when we do its still very P "Hey, wanna do something sometime?" It could also be that they didn't wanna interrupt you [my ENFJ pal has a very busy social life and doesnt tend to answer her phone because of that], or maybe they didn't feel it was appropriate/expected to initiate something. Sometimes when we deal with people who are "very particular" we are afraid we'll offend their particularness.


We do to have facial expressions! Just not that many, or too too often, or too intensely [or else it IS too intensely]. Maybe your INFP "friend" smokes a lot of dope and doesn't connect with people???

what does "reflexive to a stressed phone caller" mean??? and "she will get up to talk with the person needing help. "??? did she cut off your phone call? did she quit your phone call to talk to console someone else face to face? I don't understand what is being said here.

How well did you know this person? Why did you say you " can share my inner self with her", or more to the point how much did you share that you qualify it as that? I could talk for hours about myself and my life and still not "share my inner self with someone." My point is what you consider "sharing your innerself" and what they consider "sharing their innerself" need not be the same.

Have you known other INFP's? Not all of us are particularly "well developed", and some definitely live more in their own heads/fantasy worlds than do others. [In defense to INFP's, I think other people would wish that "the real world" more closely resembles the "fantasy world" of any INFP's living "in their own fantasy world", ie we are idealists and dreamers, our dreams/hopes tend to be pleasant, at least more pleasant than the real world thats for sure]
We generally aren't the life of the party, or social butterflies, or really very social. We excel one on one. We can get into others heads and help heal them. ENFJs tend to be VERY social creatures. There are definitely some big differences/preferences there.
 

Scott N Denver

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2009
Messages
2,898
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
I am like THE one INFP whose never smoked pot ever or something???
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
Joined
Mar 20, 2009
Messages
7,626
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
LOL, I know at least 2 INFPs that are vehemently against that type of thing.

Make it 3....I am anti-pot also.

I just thought that suggestion was sort of out of left field :D
 

Scott N Denver

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2009
Messages
2,898
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
HeatherC, have you gotten to the part about Fi and INFP's in Lenore Thomson's book yet? If so did it help you understand us? Also, I highly recommend Tieger and Barron-Tieger's Just Your Type for discussion about intertype relationships.
 

Scott N Denver

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2009
Messages
2,898
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Make it 3....I am anti-pot also.

I just thought that suggestion was sort of out of left field :D

Umm, it would be 4 now right, unless I was one of her two, which I'm doubting. Anyways, certain places are known for their potheads, I don't think its "totally out of the question"...
 
G

Glycerine

Guest
Umm, it would be 4 now right, unless I was one of her two, which I'm doubting. Anyways, certain places are known for their potheads, I don't think its "totally out of the question"...

Now it's 5 or 6 if we are counting online folks. :)
 

runvardh

にゃん
Joined
Jun 23, 2007
Messages
8,541
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Yeah but this is exactly what wasn't enough. Just listening and then forgetting to call and initiate..initiate anything...and then I noticed INFP's or this one is reflexive to a stressed phone caller and she will get up to talk with the person needing help.

And I just kinda realized I am just one more distressed person and I can share my inner self with her and like one other person period and she can't even take initiate, have A facial expression, or verbal appreciation. SO I stopped calling and she fell off the face of the planet...way to go INFP's. Share my inner self and all I got was this....:cry:

I tried hard to initiate with the one I dated and she'd turn me down 1 out of 5 times. I even tried maintaining two messages a week for two weeks, then backed off to one a week after not getting replies. The third week after I went to the single message, I sent it and left it and figured, she should put some effort in this time. Never heard from her again, and two months later I was hanging out with a mutual friend and she said that my now ex called me cold and unresponsive.

Kind of hard to justify trying when every response you get is negative.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
So why don't you tell us what an ENFJ needs to fulfill that void? How do you use your Fe to foster deep connections with others? And what are you seeking in return, besides initiative? Coz I would love to know how you experience intensity and emotional depth :)
 

jtanSis1

New member
Joined
Oct 1, 2008
Messages
291
MBTI Type
INFP
Most types don't try to appreciate other types' way of expression, so it's a hard challenge if not around them often. As for I's, yes it's hard to compete in an E world, but those who take the time truly value your depth. As for E's, you know your missing out by not learning from others. Same goes for P's and J's. Were supposed to balance each other out one way or another, so we just have to be more open-minded.
 

jtanSis1

New member
Joined
Oct 1, 2008
Messages
291
MBTI Type
INFP
So why don't you tell us what an ENFJ needs to fulfill that void? How do you use your Fe to foster deep connections with others? And what are you seeking in return, besides initiative? Coz I would love to know how you experience intensity and emotional depth :)

Acceptance and warmth fill everyone's void when they are open to it. Fe means showing some attention because we care. It doesn't have to be the same attention, but acknowledgement shows that we didn't waste our time. We try to handle everyone's problems instead of our own's, which is a lot of people's depth to deal with, and leads to all the intensity.
 

Neutralpov

New member
Joined
Jun 29, 2009
Messages
310
great thread so far

I think this was a good thing for me to read. I think also I am realizing being ENFJ I do initiate a lot in general since I plan ahead and just plain take charge and when it is not returned I wonder what is wrong with other people? haha. And I think my needs are not expressed clearly or verbally very often until I realize they are not met! But is it wrong to expect a 50/50 relationship in terms of give and take and initiative with communication? Where is the objective in this (any introverted thinkers??help here) so that I don't take all the blame for something that is not all my part.

Also I realize I get angry when I have given too much. I think I read a post somewhere about ENFJ's (Enneagram 2's) resenting those they give too much too and I am an Enneagram 1 but I would say this might be the case for me. I expect response to my giving with giving at some point. Working on that but for now trying to let go of some mild anger at my own expectations and giving to others. It is knee jerk sometimes to want to give and I hate that! :steam:


P.S.
Oh Scott I think the part in Lenore Thompson's book about extroverted Feelers is helping me see myself better. I skipped ahead to it after reading the first half of the book.
 

runvardh

にゃん
Joined
Jun 23, 2007
Messages
8,541
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
It's hard to put in half the effort when the airwaves are already jammed from the other side. Otherwise, my previous experience still stands: I've chased after an ENFJ once with taking initiative and got nothing back out of it - it goes both ways.
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
Enneagram
4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
One thing ENFJs could do more to have their emotional needs met is to open up more about themselves. ENFJs are good at making other people feel good and finding out all about them, but they can hold back their inner self.

i'm trying but it's really difficult... :(

one other thing- a lot of the time, the reason i feel like i am not getting what i need emotionally is that i start closing off. this usually happens when i lose faith and start thinking negative thoughts. i stop believing that anyone around me can really connect with me on my level anyway.

i shut down completely.

a lot of things have happened lately to make me feel cynical... this a.m. i read about a man who's done 40 years worth of volunteer work for those in need... that made me feel better.

fwiw, i've never thought of my infp friends as cold... they've always been very solicitous of my wellbeing...
 

Neutralpov

New member
Joined
Jun 29, 2009
Messages
310
i'm trying but it's really difficult... :(



i shut down completely.

a lot of things have happened lately to make me feel cynical... this a.m. i read about a man who's done 40 years worth of volunteer work for those in need... that made me feel better.

fwiw, i've never thought of my infp friends as cold... they've always been very solicitous of my wellbeing...

Well said Pink! I was told literally in that exact wording by a past ENTJ boss that, "I shut down." Wow I can't believe it. Makes me laugh.

Also I do share my inner self with people but if you do and they don't care as much as you it is nooooot fun. So I know I can do that but I think yes I need to be more willing to not fear bringing the person down. That is true for me and a hindrance.
I do think I have recongized sharing my inner self is a must to feel connected for me. Or to feel "right."

So far I think this thread is great! ha. Keep the ideas coming. :)

Scot and any others:
In Lenore Thompson's book a part that stuck out to me was the Fe reinforces itself as a role it is filling. For example I play hostess, counselor, helper, or plan social activities and reinforce appreciation for the role I play. Not receiving the appreciation for anything unique. And when the unique me gets far enough away from the social role I think I feel unappreciated and off and go into withdraw Ni mode and something feels off or I find anger. I think this is a case for me lately that I realized in taking time for myself and then coming back to hang out AS MYSELF, (not giving, planning, being the funny one,and helping but just being). I don't think I just let myself hang out enough and be relaxed, me. My ISTP friend I have been taking a book club class with is great at this!! She says I am more relaxed around her! I love friends
 

the state i am in

Active member
Joined
Feb 12, 2009
Messages
2,475
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
as Ni perceivers we have a more focused lens of perception. what introverted perception means is that we arrange each connection in a more tightly integrated, detailed way. so when we get stuck on really negative ones, when they are seemingly omnipresent in our environment or we fixate, we need to get away, release negative energy, let the storm blow over and the sun come out so we can see what is actually here and what was only seen thru the lens of a weather disturbance.

something to open us up, make us breathe, calm our physical bodies down (minds too), and be sane again. make space for the good to come in too.

in my experience, nfps are probably the best at fostering and supporting this process. altho just communicating helps soooo much, and for that i find other intuitives to be absolutely crucial. for me i rely on enfps, entps, and intjs to help me see the situation from a wider lens.
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
Enneagram
4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
well-said, state...

my enfp sister is good at seeing when i'm slipping... what did she tell me the other day... "let go, bulldog!"... can't even remember what it was about... my ni had gotten a hold of something bad...
 

Neutralpov

New member
Joined
Jun 29, 2009
Messages
310
write that down

To the state I am In: Man how are you this good...

I need to write all this down cause I tend to forget this info when it seems to be needed.
 
Top