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Thread: infj passion

  1. #41
    Patron Saint Of Smileys Gloriana's Avatar
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    I'm sitting here thinking over my relationship with my ex husband, and the passion I felt sort of changed and took new shapes. At first of course (like most couples) I just couldn't get enough of him and was all over him all the time in the beginning. The excitement and the burst of new feelings.

    My passion for him felt like it changed after awhile though, when I knew I really loved him and loved him like family. I had the passion and it went even deeper, but I wasn't so HIGH on it, if that makes sense. I felt that loyalty and devotion, and I loved getting the chances to hear him tell stories of his experiences, what he wanted, where he wanted to go, all of it and more. I felt more passion for him then than I did at the beginning, it just wasn't so all-consuming. It almost felt like there was this massive ball of passionate energy that plonked itself down within me at the beginning, and then after awhile that big ball spread out and really rooted those particles all through me.

    In my case though, I think my ex associated love WITH that first flush of fierce passion, and when that faded down I think he felt disappointed. I guess for me I never expected that first flush to remain the constant, and I still don't. I preferred the passion I felt later on, after I felt we'd really been through some shit together and bonded, when I felt we had a real partnership and friendship. I don't think he felt that bond though, I am not sure now how his processes worked as much as I tried to understand his side (I think he was ISTJ but not certain).

    I think passion IS so subjective, and I don't think one way of feeling it is better than another, you know? I really wished my ex could have communicated better so I could understand his outlook and how things felt for him. I know people who never get that RUSH and HIGH with their passion and they get this bad rep for being fuddy-duddies or what have you, and it sucks because they're so truly in love and devoted, it's just 'quiet passion'.

    Like for me personally, I have never gotten how someone can say "I am SO IN LOVE, I LOVE this person more than I've ever loved anyone" after only knowing them for a couple of weeks, I can't fathom that personally but I can't disregard it either. Statistics are kind of B.S. to me in that respect, I've seen long marriages that started with long courtships and I've seen long marriages that started with a ceremony a couple of months after they first met. Just because the idea of marrying someone a month after meeting them wigs ME out like a motherfucker doesn't mean it's a mistake, you know? On the same token, never marrying and just having a close bond with someone over the course of a lifetime also makes sense if it suits the parties.

    Now that I've written all that, I am not sure if I said anything relevant to this thread (tangents...they grab me and I follow them...) but maybe I did. I'm trying to find a point, but it's not showing up so I'll leave it at that
    "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard, and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you...amazing things will happen" --Conan O'Brien

  2. #42
    Senior Member SuperServal's Avatar
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    This INFJ is 25 and has yet to feel passionate love for anyone. Any other INFJs are "broken" in terms of that? It suits me fine personally; I'm a misanthrope anyhow.
    i don't know, i just have gotten the impression from most of the infjs that i have met that they rarely had this kind of experience. that rather than find a relationship that is perfect, most kind of just stick eventually in one and, bc it satisfies some of their needs, call it good.
    Somehow, I can relate to this. I haven't felt that head-over-heels kind of passion for someone. Whenever I think about love, I always think of it in general terms, such as love for people as a whole, helping them somehow, relating to them.

    It's like it all can't fit into one person. I think I may end up alone, after all.

    And like you, it kinda suits me just fine.

    Waaaaaa???! I should have checked this thread earlier! Here I am starting melodramatic threads over in Relationships about not being able to love and it's totally an INFJ thing? I'm torn between being content without feeling passion for one specific person and being totally bummed out because of it. I never understood how I could love people so much but never "fall for" anyone in particular.

    It's tough being an INFJ sometimes. Emotional stoics.
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  3. #43
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    This thread is further proof that type is but a very small fraction of who a person is.

  4. #44
    Senior Member scortia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperServal View Post
    Waaaaaa???! I should have checked this thread earlier! Here I am starting melodramatic threads over in Relationships about not being able to love and it's totally an INFJ thing? I'm torn between being content without feeling passion for one specific person and being totally bummed out because of it. I never understood how I could love people so much but never "fall for" anyone in particular.

    It's tough being an INFJ sometimes. Emotional stoics.
    Hehe, I've dated a couple of people I have a lot in common with, who were good friends and really wanted to date me. But if there was anything before the initial "let's date" decision, it's gone by the end of the first date. Then I soon break it off because I don't want to drag the other party around in a loveless relationship because I know deep down it won't improve. Being in a romantic relationship will also cause me to start finding the other person irritating more and more,... maybe because their attempts at wooing me aren't working and just bother me.

    But yes, loving people in general so much but never in love. I just take it as if I do find someone I can love then it must be a fated match. I'll just hang out, live my life, and if it happens it happens. :P

  5. #45
    violaine
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    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    it's where the challenging and inspiring and artistic and deeply romantic elements of a relationship lie. the fucking charge you get from specific people. what gives you that and sets you off as infjs?
    It happens with men who intrigue me. Unfortunately, I used to find aloof men intriguing . A few difficult relationships cured me of my curiosity in that respect. Now I need to be intrigued and for someone to 'see' me.

    I always used to struggle with feeling 90% in love but not all the way in. Or feeling it deeply but fleetingly. A few difficult relationships sharpened my sense of who is right for me, a condition which has to be met before I can fall all the way in. I had unconsciously never expected someone to get me. Hence I dated men who I could see I would be good for and who I thought were good men or I grew attached to because they grew attached to me. But there was no real bond of understanding. (I didn't realize that that's how things worked for me at the time.)

    I was also quite aloof myself. I struggled with wanting to be 'seen' but enjoying keeping my thoughts to myself. I used to feel like sharing my private musings was diluting them and robbing me of any enjoyment (because of the effort of explaining things that make perfect sense to me in perfect context but require that I give long-winded disclaimers and context and pitch it to a person in their language. Then usually having to defend said idea when all I really wanted was to turn it over in my mind... gah!)

    So relationship experience has been invaluable to me in helping me to realize the precondition to falling in love is mutual understanding. e.g. I absolutely love with my current boyfriend that I will say something veiled, almost muttering it as an aside to myself not expecting him to pick up on it and my meaning is so obvious to him! He will just continue conversation not even breaking stride or realizing the feelings he evoked in me at that moment because of his naturally getting me.

  6. #46
    Senior Member statuesquechica's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    This thread is further proof that type is but a very small fraction of who a person is.
    I absolutely agree. Every serious, long-term relationship I have ever been in was extremely passionate and I experienced complete and utter love for the other person. I don't find it hard to open up to another when there is that intellectual/emotional/physical attraction and the effect is intoxicating.

    I don't relate at all to holding back if they have shown their love and sincerity to me. I have been hurt, as we all have, but that doesn't dampen my ability to love with an open heart.
    I've looked at life from both sides now
    From up and down and still somehow
    It's life's illusions I recall
    I really don't know life at all

    Joni Mitchell

  7. #47
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperServal View Post
    Waaaaaa???! I should have checked this thread earlier! Here I am starting melodramatic threads over in Relationships about not being able to love and it's totally an INFJ thing? I'm torn between being content without feeling passion for one specific person and being totally bummed out because of it. I never understood how I could love people so much but never "fall for" anyone in particular.
    i don't think it's "totally an infj thing," altho i do think we have some particularities that require maybe a more specific/rare situation. i think the biggest part of all of this, tho, is that many of us infjs have fucked up development bc we haven't matured socially. wayyy too many infjs on this board seem to have Fe as a one-way street, going in but not going out. they experience the pressure of Fe but don't use it productively to meet others halfway and express themselves deeply. this creates bad cycles of withdrawal, social anxiety, tentativeness, and lack of trust. there are obvious examples on this board of infjs who have gotten enough of what they needed and gathered enough strength to be more open and all-in. i have been trying to learn from them and fix my own arrested development.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    This thread is further proof that type is but a very small fraction of who a person is.
    you obviously have a very different perspective on this thread, altho i can't shake the feeling part of our disagreement is terminology and my fuzzy thinking/thinking outloud.

    i agree that type is widely variable based on individual development, enneagram ego fixation, etc. but i think that i would still like to understand the perspectives of those infjs who have less trouble holding back and who have fallen head over heels in love with one specific person, while still being global enough to do the infj thing, connect with many people, clean up poor communication, walk on water, etc.


    Quote Originally Posted by sanveane View Post
    It happens with men who intrigue me. Unfortunately, I used to find aloof men intriguing . A few difficult relationships cured me of my curiosity in that respect. Now I need to be intrigued and for someone to 'see' me.

    I always used to struggle with feeling 90% in love but not all the way in. Or feeling it deeply but fleetingly. A few difficult relationships sharpened my sense of who is right for me, a condition which has to be met before I can fall all the way in. I had unconsciously never expected someone to get me. Hence I dated men who I could see I would be good for and who I thought were good men or I grew attached to because they grew attached to me. But there was no real bond of understanding. (I didn't realize that that's how things worked for me at the time.)

    I was also quite aloof myself. I struggled with wanting to be 'seen' but enjoying keeping my thoughts to myself. I used to feel like sharing my private musings was diluting them and robbing me of any enjoyment (because of the effort of explaining things that make perfect sense to me in perfect context but require that I give long-winded disclaimers and context and pitch it to a person in their language. Then usually having to defend said idea when all I really wanted was to turn it over in my mind... gah!)

    So relationship experience has been invaluable to me in helping me to realize the precondition to falling in love is mutual understanding. e.g. I absolutely love with my current boyfriend that I will say something veiled, almost muttering it as an aside to myself not expecting him to pick up on it and my meaning is so obvious to him! He will just continue conversation not even breaking stride or realizing the feelings he evoked in me at that moment because of his naturally getting me.
    i identify with you yet again. 90% or only intermittently. this is exactly what i meant about focus, passion, etc. i've noticed that as communication improves, it becomes easier to connect and see each other more for who you are individually and less for who you want each other to be.

    intrigue is a great word here. i can see many infjs who desire to spend all their time with their s.o. even if they aren't head over heels. even if it doesn't give them tunnel vision toward everyone else. it is partly just that infjs are a focused and committed bunch to whom significant relationships are often the highest priority.

    i know that this powerful communication is the basis for me actually committing to any relationship. it is the first and foremost aspect of what makes a relationship compelling for me. but there are other elements too. physical desire, obviously, and connection that CATALYZES my feelings. that intensifies them at times that the feeling just overwhelms me and washes over me. i don't know if this is just a relational condition, a situational context, a romantic tragedy, or something that happens when life gets in the way and you make choices that CREATE this kind of value. i know that Fi is easiest for me to lock onto in others, and love them for their values. and when they give me value or when they have me pumped up in their Fi framework, it's like the line from teh wilco song, "our love, is all of god's money." etc.

    but regardless i feel like there needs to be something created individually that intrigues me. that never stops intriguing me. a life-long learning process that creates new material to discuss, share, connect within, enjoy, joke about, etc. i need to want to know the other person, to get all the updates, etc. otherwise it is about the relationship but not about us as individuals.

    bc the overarching theme of head-over-heels in love for me is the intense desire to connect, connect, connect. i want to connect with many people i meet and glide by, but for most once or twice is enough. a relationship worth prioritizing and privileging with so many partnership factors must be a renewable resource and capable of frequent re-birth. otherwise it is just the past.

  8. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    but what makes you passionately love someone? what makes you want one specific person more than anyone and everyone else? do infjs feel this happen for them easily, often, etc?
    well for me the guy always had to be intellectually stimulating. I've madly fallen in love just once where I still respect him very deeply. He was an ENTJ. The intellect set in the chemistry and we were connected in our emotions in a very strange way where we primarily felt/reacted with certain aspects identically.

  9. #49
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    you obviously have a very different perspective on this thread, altho i can't shake the feeling part of our disagreement is terminology and my fuzzy thinking/thinking outloud.

    i agree that type is widely variable based on individual development, enneagram ego fixation, etc. but i think that i would still like to understand the perspectives of those infjs who have less trouble holding back and who have fallen head over heels in love with one specific person, while still being global enough to do the infj thing, connect with many people, clean up poor communication, walk on water, etc.
    That's exactly the issue: I'm not particularly interested in connecting with many people on such a deep level. I'm close with friends, but my connections with them are very different than the connection with a SO. I somewhat lack that whole humanitarian bent that NFs are said to have; I am interested in helping people, but on an individual basis, and even then I see this as far and away secondary to other activities in my life. I have two siblings, an ENFP and ENFJ and their love moves in many channels and touches a greater amount of people, whereas mine is less widespread but concentrated and fixed.

    You're not going to be able to stuff all INFJs in one box with a pink bow; I can relate to INFPs, ENFJs, INTJs, and ENTPs more than I can relate to some INFJs.

  10. #50
    Member Penda's Avatar
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    What bothers me is that women/girls I felt passionate about in the past still linger with me so much. I think the passion is based a great deal on fantasy, because sometimes I have it for people I don't really know that much about, just enough to kindle the fires. But it sure seems to last a long time. It also can seem so overwhelming that it makes pursuing the object of my desires very difficult, since it makes her seem so out of reach. I haven't felt that way in a couple years, which kind of worries me. I hope I can find a way to balance my passions (assuming I still have them) with a more tangible and practical approach to relationships in the future.
    There are miles to go before I sleep...

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