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[INFJ] INFJ seems like an "S"

Lauren Ashley

Revelation
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Aug 19, 2008
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That's what I was going by, actually :) She was making a definite statement, so I just went with it.

Okay. Gotcha. Just wanted to put it out there. S types are always getting dumped on by this forum as lesser mortals, and I see how something like that could be very invalidating for them to read.
 

revolve

New member
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Jan 13, 2009
Messages
243
I don't really want to debate whether your boyfriend is an INFJ or instead an ISFJ, but just want to point out that the manner in which you would 'connect' with Fi dom's would be pretty different from the manner with which you connect with non-Fi doms. For example, I can get into incredibly deep conversations with my fellow INFJ's, and NT types, but there is definitely a difference with those who are more Fi dominant. It is not that there is a lack of ability to connect in a deep and meaningful way, but rather that we speak different languages and it's not nearly so automatic as it is for me with others. It may be that he doesn't know how to engage you at the level he wants, and it's just the combination of your two personalities/dispositions. But really, I don't know. That's just another possibility.

But as to your list of why you think he's INFJ, I agree with lane that those items aren't really type specific.


yeah, i think you hit the nail on the head or whatever they say - so help . . .how do i get past this with him . . . i'm sick of waiting . . .any tips?
 

proteanmix

Plumage and Moult
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Apr 23, 2007
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i have been close to a lot of "S" & my ex of 9 years was an ISFP & he always wants me back & I guess I just came here with this thread because the ISFP is stressin' me out with his always being there for me business / & it makes me doubt the direction I am going in . . . with the INFJ . . . I so hate being an ENFP . . . i feel like ya'll all think I am crazy & dumb . . . "the story of my life" . . . good day!

Hold up don't go running out! Why are you getting upset?

OK, seriously...I asked you those questions because like many people have come through the forum with relationship advice questions you seem to be conflating separate problems.

As others brought up, your communication problem may not be a S/N. You're connecting deep and soulful with N and the lack thereof with S. Maybe that is not your problem, your boyfriend may not lack that quality you're looking for he may just not be sharing it with you yet. I feel like you're doing more misattribution and making him a sensor doesn't solve anything.

Have you talked to him about this rather than going to an internet forum and hoping we can solve your problem? Maybe once you get more information on what your boyfriend is feeling and why you two are having this miscommunication (maybe he feels there is no miscommunication at all!!) then you could give us more reliable information. Saying that because he has a degree in fine arts makes him an INFJ sounds very shaky to me.
 

revolve

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Messages
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Ugh! i totally have to get ready for work . . . love to you all i'll be back tomorrow .. . not dissin' you guys . . . thank you thank you thank you for your time . . . every last one of you . . . kisses!
 

cascadeco

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yeah, i think you hit the nail on the head or whatever they say - so help . . .how do i get past this with him . . . i'm sick of waiting . . .any tips?

Well, like proteanmix just posted, I would suggest letting go of the type thing for a bit, and just try to connect with him on a human level. If you care about him, and want this relationship to work, then you need to actually sit down and really bring some of these things up to him -- actually have a discussion with him, bring up 'deep' topics that you'd like to hear his viewpoint on...ask questions, see if you can't build something together. Cast away any assumptions you have at this time, as to what he is or is not capable of.

Once you actually learn more, you may be in a better position to really know whether you two can connect in the way that fulfills the both of you.

While N/S certainly plays a role in the level/type of communication, two N's together are not guaranteed to 'connect', just as two S's are not guaranteed to connect, just as an N and S aren't guaranteed to connect. It ultimately boils down to the two of you together, and whether both of your needs are being met.
 

Lily Bart

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Mar 27, 2009
Messages
136
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INFP
I have several ENFP friends and sometimes they just come across as so incredibly loopy to me (even though I really, really like them a lot) that I just have trouble taking them seriously. And not to make an issue out of it, but sometimes their off-the-wall way-out-in-outer-space qualities seem kind of forced and superficial to me -- I feel, "if you want totally weird, then try being inside my brain for a while" but I know that they probablywould never understand. And I don't mean that in a condescending way, it just really is my uncontrollable reaction to them and I would never let them know I think that way because I really do like and value them. If your friend really is an INFJ, you should probably do a lot more listening to him and really caring about what he's like inside. I'm just guessing, but based on the friendships I have with ENFP's, they always take center stage and it can be a bit wearying after while, because, hey, I think I'm pretty interesting, too. If I don't work hard to overcome the feelings of reserve this creates in me, then our friendships probably wouldn't be as good as they are. Again, I'm not criticizing ENFP's, I'm just suggesting some things that your friend may possibly feel are barriers to a deeper relationship with you.
 

Thalassa

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lane 777, here's my reasons for thinking he's an INFJ:

1) gave him the test & he came out INFJ
2) he has a degree in fine arts
3) he currently works with developmentally disabled children
4) he LOVES animals & nature (loves camping)
5) he is really good at chess & loves it
6) he has deep penetrating eyes that "move" me just looking into them - woah!
7) he was a vegetarian for a while
8) his best friends are an INTP & ENFJ
9) he used to have a drug problem

i could say more . . . but i am convinced by all of this

2, 3, 4, 6, and 9 could EASILY be "S" traits!!!!

In fact that only thing that strikes me as "N" is the vegetarianism, I swear.

ISFP?
 
Last edited:

Thalassa

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That would be my guess, based on this info. ISFJ is not out of the question though.

True. In fact, this probably sounds horrible, but I think an SJ would actually be less likely to participate in these "soulful talks" she wants. In fact, when she began with how he talks about "what he wants to buy" I judgementally assumed SJ, to be perfectly honest with you.

Then again, it could just be that they don't "click" in that way.

Or that he is THAT reserved.

Or that he's extremely Fe dom and focuses that, say, toward special needs children, and doesn't find Fi driven "soulful talks" very appealing.

It's really a toss up.
 

Taizic

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Well, not all INFJ's are alike. We have maybe a few of the same principles, but personalities and experience can lead us to be different, people, as is expected. That's where percents come in to the different letters. So he may have been an INFJ, but it could've been he got low scores on one of the letters, or all of them. Maybe something along that line.
 

StormySunshine

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lane 777, here's my reasons for thinking he's an INFJ:

1) gave him the test & he came out INFJ
2) he has a degree in fine arts
3) he currently works with developmentally disabled children
4) he LOVES animals & nature (loves camping)
5) he is really good at chess & loves it
6) he has deep penetrating eyes that "move" me just looking into them - woah!
7) he was a vegetarian for a while
8) his best friends are an INTP & ENFJ
9) he used to have a drug problem

Most of this describes my ISFJ mom, so I agree with the others and would go in this direction. It's also very hard to have deep conversations with her...everything is black and white, and rather superficial. Not that this is a bad thing...we just talk different languages.

This doesn't mean you should dump him by any means! I certainly wouldn't do that. I have so many walls up, that it's very hard for me to open up to people about my innermost thoughts and feelings at first. Also, if he came from a family of Sensors like I did, he probably outwardly acts much more like them, since that's the best way he could fit in. INFJ's can usually change their outward personality type fairly easily by studying those around them, and mimicking them. It makes it easier for us find our place in society and the world...you know, the whole seeking perfection thing.

What I would do is bring him alone to a location conducive to deep conversations, such as a park or nature setting, a library, or a coffee shop when it's slow, and just talk to him. Once you get him away from all of the S distractions, you might be surprised at how much he opens up to you. If you still find it difficult for him to talk about those things, find a topic that you know he enjoys, and start by asking questions that will lead to those deeper topics (making sure the topic makes the transition fairly easy). I've always found that talking about anime, sci-fi/fantasy, and faith activity (if there are any), are all good openings.
 

r.a

meat popsicle
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STFU
Well, not all INFJ's are alike. We have maybe a few of the same principles, but personalities and experience can lead us to be different, people, as is expected. That's where percents come in to the different letters. So he may have been an INFJ, but it could've been he got low scores on one of the letters, or all of them. Maybe something along that line.

exactly. subjective conditioning can dictate how infj's come across. one of my best friends who is entp is almost convinced i am an s. which i would argue with him about if i cared whether people believed i was an s or n.

people really want to believe they have us figured out, and having that belief is the first step to never being able to figure us out. and yes, it takes time for us to get out of our shells at different levels for different people. at this stage in my life, i could also come across as a t rather than an f, because i have learned to tame my f and use rationality in certain areas of my life.

i do have sensor-like attributes. like i do care about looks when it comes to being romantically interested in women, but if some woman comes along and blows my mind with her personality and isnt up to my physical standards than i could very well change my tune. one reason for caring about looks is my minor obsession with eugenics, not as much as having someone super hot to look at when we make sex or go out in public.
 

Athenian200

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hey guys - this is lame because i think i'm just posting this because i need support / reassurance / something . . . I am an ENFP & I've been seeing an INFJ for about 1 year now, on & off but now finally very "on" . . . we are finally to the point where we see each other regularly . . . anyways I'm positive he's an INFJ but disappointed with our conversations / communication as all of our conversations are quite "sensory" . . . and i was really expecting much more "depth" out of him. I really like him & want this to work out but often find myself feeling unfulfilled by the lack of emotional "connection" / lack of those soulful talks like i used to have with the INFP i dated previously . . . so maybe it will just take time seeing as INFJs take a long time to open up or could it be that he is incapable??? i'm scared to keep going & getting more attached to him because of my "dream / idealistic vision" of what an INFJ can be . . . when maybe i should focus on reality & "wake up" & stop hoping to see more of his intuitive side. he is 30 years old by the way.

He might be an ISFJ... they can be an awful lot like INFJs, honestly. I get along very well with the two I've met.

And as far as the soulful talks... maybe he is an INFJ but doesn't have Fi depth. You might be missing F rather than N. It's possible that you mean he seems T, not S. I know a lot of people think I seem to lack depth because I'm not good at Fi.

I don't know why, but I know that people sometimes confuse T and S, as well as F and N.
 

cafe

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When I am worried or feeling insecure I will go over and over stuff like that. I'm trying to do a few different things:
  • Trying to make sure I don't forget anything important because I can be very absent minded
  • Get feedback/involvement in decisions, trying to make sure we're on the same page
  • Planning things with someone is like . . . it's kind of a way of sharing my future with them. I'm always thinking about the future.

As far as this particular instance goes, type is pretty irrelevant. If a person of any type really hasn't clicked/made a connection in a year, I'm not sure it's going to happen anytime soon. It sounds like that's a deal-breaker for you, so I would seriously consider moving on.
 

Skyward

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exactly. subjective conditioning can dictate how infj's come across. one of my best friends who is entp is almost convinced i am an s. which i would argue with him about if i cared whether people believed i was an s or n.

people really want to believe they have us figured out, and having that belief is the first step to never being able to figure us out. and yes, it takes time for us to get out of our shells at different levels for different people. at this stage in my life, i could also come across as a t rather than an f, because i have learned to tame my f and use rationality in certain areas of my life.

i do have sensor-like attributes. like i do care about looks when it comes to being romantically interested in women, but if some woman comes along and blows my mind with her personality and isnt up to my physical standards than i could very well change my tune. one reason for caring about looks is my minor obsession with eugenics, not as much as having someone super hot to look at when we make sex or go out in public.


I agree with all of this.

I have yet to meet someone who is hellbent on figuring me out, so I dont have much experience with that, but I definitely relate to the 'sensorish mind.'

I find that my inferior Se runs parallel with my Ni. Where Ni-Ti are hooked together for my inner self, Se-Fe are hooked together for my outerself. Extraverted information comes in as Se data and is then interpereted as Ni data. For a long time I was a bit pickier with what 'good looking' was.

Basically Ni+Ti and Fe+Se run simultaneously. It leads to something like being partly ESTP and INFJ at the same time. My inner self demands much more attention so I am sure of my INFJness.
 

nightning

ish red no longer *sad*
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On OP, I don't think you should use type this way to attempt to describe how one person seems like to you.

It's misuse of the system...

1) You cannot use one person to generalize to the rest (We're not cookie cutter molded, typology/use of cognitive functions describes trends only)
2) This has been mentioned before, what seems to you like "S" might not necessarily indicate sensor-like behaviour.
 

revolve

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ah nightning . . . who are YOU to say how I should use the "system" . . . the "system" is a tool & different people use tools in different ways. there is no definite to anything in life . . . we are just all here trying to figure shit out . . . nobody has the freakin' answers not even the jungian typology experts w/ doctorates . . . they are just trying to figure shit out too . . . why do you j's have to always be so damn opinionated? jumping to conclusions keeps you closed off to what other people are actually getting at . . . like you are missing the forest for the trees.
 

Skyward

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ah nightning . . . who are YOU to say how I should use the "system" . . . the "system" is a tool & different people use tools in different ways. there is no definite to anything in life . . . we are just all here trying to figure shit out . . . nobody has the freakin' answers not even the jungian typology experts w/ doctorates . . . they are just trying to figure shit out too . . . why do you j's have to always be so damn opinionated? jumping to conclusions keeps you closed off to what other people are actually getting at . . . like you are missing the forest for the trees.

You just attacked 'Js' by saying that they were closed minded and jumping to conclusions, while you were so yourself. It was unjustified.

He isn't jumping to conclusions. Rather, he is just saying something metaphorically similar to 'You don't use a chainsaw to cut a birthday cake [without a major mess].'

I know what you mean by people trying to figure things out, and I can see how you could have read his post, but I don't think he was attacking what she was trying to do. He may have been blocking her current path, but it was to help her on a better one.
 

boomslang

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I think this kind of thing is actually more related to the Openness score on the Big 5 than intuition or sensing.
 

KitchenFly

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Feb 5, 2015
Messages
864
hey guys - this is lame because i think i'm just posting this because i need support / reassurance / something . . . I am an ENFP & I've been seeing an INFJ for about 1 year now, on & off but now finally very "on" . . . we are finally to the point where we see each other regularly . . . anyways I'm positive he's an INFJ but disappointed with our conversations / communication as all of our conversations are quite "sensory" . . . and i was really expecting much more "depth" out of him. I really like him & want this to work out but often find myself feeling unfulfilled by the lack of emotional "connection" / lack of those soulful talks like i used to have with the INFP i dated previously . . . so maybe it will just take time seeing as INFJs take a long time to open up or could it be that he is incapable??? i'm scared to keep going & getting more attached to him because of my "dream / idealistic vision" of what an INFJ can be . . . when maybe i should focus on reality & "wake up" & stop hoping to see more of his intuitive side. he is 30 years old by the way.

Hi, I believe your judgment in thinking the person you know is a infj.

I am a infp, and I have had many several close friend that are infj and I understand what you mean by the sensing thing, the context of the sensing thing is complex because sensing dosed not sound in one musical note of one musical key alone so to say.

There is more than one type of sensing not just the S preference of the MBTI.

But because this question is in the MBTI topic part of the sight we can stick to the MBTI frame work all though the answer in my mind requires the mention of the instincts and the subtypes and primary point of the type within the enneagram model.

But infj first preference is N , second preference is F , third preference is T and last preference is S.

So may people express the fourth preference within there lens they look through out to see the would.

Practise make perfect, keep your eye on the ball , the fourth preference must be exercised and part of the order if we are to act as mature sensible adult human beings.

I think you get the idea.

He is thirty and he maybe interested in contemporary styled thinking, getting on with doing and experiencing, forgive me but he may via his Inner N wish to avoid spending to much time on the emo merry go around of female inner feelings, he maybe wishing to ovoid going down a track into a complexity that dose not match his deep esoteric flavour of inner question.

Who knows but I do know that when a infj has no interest in going down a subject path they are set in there thinking and depending on there instinctual variant type it will require much affirmation that the conversation will be a normal like conversation not a lets go trance y and feel chemistry..

Inner values are good to express in many temperaments more than one ,it makes for interesting conversation that seems to be vital-alive a good to experience experience.

His dominant preference is N he will be able to celebrate good interesting conversation. With out making an escape via the S . Because his F detects more of what he prefers to to partake in.

I hope this has been help full and have a look at ESTP you maybe surprised in finding that the sense you see is an expression of the S in ESTP, I believe we have a core MBTI type and an auxiliary MBTI type, don't be forget to lock out side of the box for clues and answers.

Core ENFP - ISTJ Auxiliary

Core INFJ - ESTP Auxiliary

Cheers and good luck.
 
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