Halla mentioned something about INFJs and forgiveness on another thread, and it got me reflecting on it (Yes, you've been warned, an INFJ is sitting here reflecting..)
This is something I am putting a lot of energy into working on recently. I mentioned it before, but I'm in the middle of a divorce (I feel pretty much fully divorced, it's basically just paperwork now). I don't know what type he was, some people have guessed he may have been an ISTJ. We were together for a total of a little over four years, married for a little over one year. There are so many details I could add in here, but I don't want to go on this long diatribe with too many details.
Suffice it to say, I am past playing the "Who's the good one, who's the evil one?" game because it's just pointless as I don't truly believe it works that way. He did cheat though, and he basically told me he loved me on a Monday, we had a fight on a Weds. and Friday he came home to tell me "I don't love you anymore" and he took off to live with a girl he'd known for 3 weeks.
Looking back over our relationship, I feel there were so many areas where the bottom line was just that we were so incompatible in terms of really important things. Conflict was a big problem. I'm squeamish about conflicts just like anyone, but I feel they are necessary if there is to be honesty. He compared conflict to 'torture' and often acted out toward me when I brought issues to the table, whether I snapped at him or whether I took pains to be direct and calm. I always tried to own my own feelings (I.E. saying "I feel hurt because.." rather than "You MADE me feel hurt because...") so as not to be attacking, but it seemed to make no difference; conflict became a rather awful undertaking.
I'm not saying I was perfect here, I look back and definitely see where my perfectionism got in the way and my propensity for big expectations (I.E. hoping things turn out the way they do in my head and being a pain the ass moper when they don't). All sorts of stuff like that, I know I made many mistakes and messed up in many areas.
He never did tell me about it though. I think another big issue was assertiveness. I would tell him what I wanted and needed, and asked him to please tell me too but he wouldn't. I think he bottled a lot up and it just exploded, and the only solution was when this opportunity with this girl appeared. I don't think he would have left had he not had her interest in him.
I'm talking about these details because in my head I really do want to find a way to forgive him one day. I am very bad at forgiveness but it's something I really want to get better at because I feel like it would ultimately serve to benefit me the most in so many ways, not to mention benefiting the next person I have an intimate relationship with. I do feel perhaps I did not let go of hurts he caused me within our relationship and it added to the tension between us. I think I held grudges most when I felt he did not apologize willingly, when I felt he resented me for having expressed my feelings, stuff like that.
I'm at the point where I don't feel that seething anger anymore, but it's that deep wounded hurt that goes so deep. It's really not so much that he left me which hurts, it's really the manner in which he left (and subsequent things he did after which were on the spiteful and callous side). I can accept that he lost attraction or affection for me, as much as that of course hurts. I can let that go and get peace with that. The WAY he left though, that is so hard to forgive!
I am wondering what you guys have to say about forgiveness? Like in the beginning of my relationship it was so much easier to let things go, and believe most in the good I saw in him, reminding myself of the good instead of dwelling on the hurt. It did get harder when he kept doing things that hurt me, and I suppose after awhile I was just on guard for another hurt (Just as an aside, I almost broke up with him a couple of times but did not listen to my gut. I think I read somewhere that INFJs have a bad habit of sticking with relationships past expiration date, something I'm learning from).
In my head I think "I just need to see him as a person with a flaws who makes mistakes, forgive him for it, and let the anger go" but there's that stubborn part that's like "He deserves no such courtesy". Then the logic shoots back with "It's not a courtesy to HIM, it's a courtesy to YOURSELF!".
Gah! I'll stop there before I put you peeps to sleep! If you've read all that and have thoughts, I'd love to hear them (and I thank you in advance!)