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  1. #11
    Senior Member statuesquechica's Avatar
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    Wow...very heart-felt soul searching go on here. I think the greatest gift you can give yourself is recognizing your own faults, but also seeing your own beauty and the amazing qualities you brought to the relationship. Then you have to be able to see that in your ex-husband; recognize his faults and the reasons you fell in love with him. The end of a relationship is never black and white, there are always grey areas. I think the process of grieving the loss will also put things into a more realistic view.

    As the posters said above: Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
    I've looked at life from both sides now
    From up and down and still somehow
    It's life's illusions I recall
    I really don't know life at all

    Joni Mitchell

  2. #12
    Patron Saint Of Smileys Gloriana's Avatar
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    Wow, you guys are awesome!

    There is definitely a lot of soul searching going on. He was my first real involved relationship, the first person I really opened up to and let into my world. When he left the way he did (back in Sept last year), one of the first things that came into my head was "This is either going to kill me or be the making of me, and it's my choice".

    Right now it feels like I don't even recognize who I was before he left, I actually find myself wishing I'd gone through this sort of experience a lot earlier with how much it has changed me, and keeps changing me, for the better. I've done things I would have sworn I wasn't capable of before, discovered things about myself I never knew I had in me, all kinds of things.

    I'm only now reading about the auxiliary and tertiary functions, which has been interesting. They are functions that kick in when there are times of stress, am I right? I will say that for the first few months after he left it was like I didn't recognize myself. All of a sudden fear didn't exist for me and I swear I was like my ESTP friend from September to November, lol. So weird!

  3. #13

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    Well, I know a lot of people have given you their input all ready (I feel a little silly for giving you more!)

    The reason I AM replying is that I went through a break-up 9 months ago with my 3 1/2-year-long boyfriend that was exactly (and I mean exactly like your situation).

    He started off by one day (suddenly and unexpectedly) coming up to me saying "I'm really unhappy with our relationship." Boom! Out of the blue. Blindsided. Of course my response was "oh my goodness, tell me what I can do, blahblahblah, let me make you happy!" I'd always made it clear to him my feelings and I had always assured him that he could be safe in telling me his. He never did. He bottled up. It led to this explosion and he was determined to break up with me. I was determined to make it work. We battled with this for a few days. When I finally gave in to the idea of us breaking up, he decided he didn't want to (the "I love you on Monday" thing). Two days later, he cheated on me, broke up with me for good, and went on a date with the girl he cheated on me with. He's still dating her.

    BUT, I'm not still angry at him! I was livid at the time, though. Rage, I'd call it. The first time I'd felt such a negative feeling.

    But I HAVE forgiven him, and you will forgive your ex-man. I can completely relate, though to every single thing you've said you're going through. The part about finding it easier to take the blame for everything that went wrong in the relationship, about wanting some sort of "justice", wanting him to have left in some (ANY) other way (this was the part that hurt the most), just wanting an apology (and knowing you'll never get it). OK, that last one was just me, but whatever

    I guess all I can say is, it takes time, patience and support. What really, really helped me get over that last hurdle (closed the door to all the pain for good) was realising that all the good stuff that is happening in my life right now (the new places I'm going, all the wonderful people I've met, the Faith I've found, the absolute happiness I'm feeling) are all thanks to him. I wouldn't be where I am now if it weren't for what he taught me in our relationship, from the contacts I made in our relationship AND from him ending our relationship.

    But that took time, patience and support. It took a lot of introspection and strength (to not slander his name across the country, to not kill him, to not blame myself for everything, to not blame him for everything).

    You will (and seem to be already) learn a lot from this experience. You'll grow in ways you'll never imagine and I promise that if you just give yourself time to heal, cool off (which you seem to have), and let your life blossom out of the ashes, you'll be 10x the person you were before (and 100x the person he will continue to be).

    You just have to become detached from him and whatever fantasies you have conjured up of how you would've preferred the relationship to end (or any retribution you would like to see). You have to be open to being forgiving. This was the hardest for me. I thought that I was open to it, but only when I truly accepted the idea of forgiving him did I realise that I had been closed to it all along. Once I really did accept the idea, forgiveness was cake.

    Anyway, this may all be redundant, but I thought I'd share my life's experience (since it seems to parallel yours so eerily).

    Maybe some INFJs just attract men like this

  4. #14
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    I'd say no.1: listen to Halla. Might take some time to translate S to N, but it's generally worth it.

    Secondly, yeah, looks like you've really been through the mill on this. But as a veteran of the INFJ, I'd just say that, from the POV of another type, ffs don't take this experience and project it as The Way Things Are.

    I only say that cos you seem pretty cool, and derserving of finding what you're looking for. And you won't if you wind up seeing everything as another manifestation of what you've experienced before, which IME, is the problem with Ni dominant types.

    Just sayin'...
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

    "When it all comes down to dust
    I will kill you if I must
    I will help you if I can" - Leonard Cohen

  5. #15
    Patron Saint Of Smileys Gloriana's Avatar
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    @Staytuned: Not redundant at all! Thank you for sharing with me, our situations sound very similar indeed. I totally had the rage too! I have this pain-in-the-ass warden in my head all the time which corrects me with advice like "Calling him names or calling her names, wishing for bad things to happen just feeds the negativity, that is not productive!".

    I knew this logically, but I had to have my first few months of having those cathartic revenge fantasies. I knew I'd never act on any of it, it was just helpful to just purge it out of my head. I will also say that anger is an A-M-A-Z-I-N-G motivator! I tried to channel all the 'rage energy' into positive things for myself like walking, exercising, home renovations, etc. I think I had an ass-saving part inside my head that told me the #1 thing I needed to do was use that energy to better myself so I didn't wind up dwelling in the quagmire of hate and hence mess myself up. I knew I couldn't change nor control his choices, actions, or anything he did; I just had to control myself. First five months was like robotic "This will eventually pay off" motions, then I was able to really appreciate the benefits when I was more recovered from the shock of it all.

    I am interested in what you said about detachment from it. I think I do tend to hang on to certain things in my head far too long because I'm unsure whether or not I've learned enough from them or squeezed enough insight out of them. I think I do need to learn that it's not denial or 'turning a blind eye' to just let certain things leave my head. I think I need to be more conscious of quantifying thoughts like that with "Does this really serve any purpose by being in my head?", and if it doesn't, to dump it out. That was very helpful!

    @Substitute: First off, I am very interested in Halla's observations and thoughts, it's great stuff!

    Just to clarify what you suggested so I've got it right: Do you mean you think I might need to see experiences more as an individual thing rather than sticking them into some mold formed by previous experiences? Could you go into that more with examples, I do find that interesting too.

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gloriana View Post
    In my head I think "I just need to see him as a person with a flaws who makes mistakes, forgive him for it, and let the anger go" but there's that stubborn part that's like "He deserves no such courtesy". Then the logic shoots back with "It's not a courtesy to HIM, it's a courtesy to YOURSELF!".
    Gah! I'll stop there before I put you peeps to sleep! If you've read all that and have thoughts, I'd love to hear them (and I thank you in advance!)
    This is what forgiveness is to me, understanding that what's past is past and that you can't do anything about it so just let it go. He can't hurt you now unless you let him and going over past hurts in your mind just keep them alive. I don't keep myself up at nights about people anymore, I just cut 'em loose to float around out there somewhere and be someone else's problem. Life is about living, not to be stuck, mired down by painful memories.

  7. #17
    Patron Saint Of Smileys Gloriana's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lillyofthevalley View Post
    This is what forgiveness is to me, understanding that what's past is past and that you can't do anything about it so just let it go. He can't hurt you now unless you let him and going over past hurts in your mind just keep them alive. I don't keep myself up at nights about people anymore, I just cut 'em loose to float around out there somewhere and be someone else's problem. Life is about living, not to be stuck, mired down by painful memories.
    Thank you for that, it resonates with me. "He can't hurt you now unless you let him", I'm putting that on a figurative post-it and sticking it inside my head.
    "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard, and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you...amazing things will happen" --Conan O'Brien

  8. #18
    Kraken down on piracy Lux's Avatar
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    I don't keep myself up at nights about people anymore, I just cut 'em loose to float around out there somewhere and be someone else's problem. Life is about living, not to be stuck, mired down by painful memories.
    That's great advice. I really like and agree with that. Not that I can actually do it all the time, but hey.

    I have the tendency, particularly with the people who have hurt me the most, to care to the point that it becomes detrimental to me. I go over and over what I did, what could I have done... blah blah blah. Which can be good to further growth, I think to some extent. The whole self reflection thing.

    What I meant *before I meandered away from my point* is that I realized that forgiveness to me was when I stop the person from taking me over and they stop consuming my mind.

    Good luck

  9. #19
    "Everything in its place" fill's Avatar
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    Wow, that's a rough situation. I'm with others here that holding on to past pain really only hurts more, and has no positive effect, but can I propose something? I've let go of the bad things people have done to me, some of them very hurtful, which is good, but it leaves me completely open to restarting the relationship; while I have changed, the other person hasn't, and I end up getting hurt again.

    So, no, don't hold on to the pain that someone has inflicted on you, but keep it as a realization of what the person is capable of, and watch your footing when encountering them again (Is this an example of Se?).
    "Poor bastard. Wait 'till he sees the bats. "
    enneagram - 7/5/3

  10. #20
    Member Ruby Tuesday's Avatar
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    I could be wrong about this, but it seems to me that many if not most INFJs have incredible long-term memories, which makes it harder to move on than for some because we have an overactive instant replay function in our heads which can take over our whole bodies. Two books have helped me with this after breakups, both a year ago and many moons ago: The Road Less Traveled and The Power of Now. I also wear a ring with an ammonite in it - that thing's 15 million years old or something, so it gives me perspective; my version of King David's 'This Too Shall Pass' ring, I suppose. It also reminds me that I am both a tiny piece of nothing and yet connected to everything. And so is everyone else. Which helps me be less hard on myself and on them. Sometimes.

    Don't question why she needs to be so free
    She'll tell you it's the only way to be
    She just can't be chained to a
    Life where nothing's gained
    and nothing's lost
    at such a cost

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