[INFJ] INFJs & Small Talk - Do You Relate?

[Gloriana]

First of all, I'm not half as educated on the MBTI and different types as it seems a lot of users on this site are. I've only recently started really delving into it, so forgive me if I reek of noobessence

I definitely relate to the descriptions of finding small talk excruciating sometimes. For me, I think it's because when I'm talking to strangers or people I'm not all that close to, it's like the motors in my brain are running so fast I expect smoke to start coming out of my ears. Not sure if it's a shared thing with INFJs or just me, but small talk usually goes something like this for me:

OTHER PERSON: I really love Jazz, do you like Jazz?

MY INNER MONOLOGUE: This person's coat is awesome suede, I have to remark on that. I like Jazz so maybe that's a good sign this person and I will get along. I wonder if they like Jazz the way I do? I really do love that coat.

WHAT I ACTUALLY SAY: Yeah! Love Jazz! *waits for next prompt*

OTHER PERSON: Awesome. You ever go to that Jazz club downtown?

MY INNER MONOLOGUE: I know that place but I haven't been there in over a year. Does it even matter? Wait, is this person feeling me out to see if I'd go there too? I can't make a f**ing commitment like that this soon.

WHAT I ACTUALLY SAY: Yeah, I've been there, it's a pretty cool joint. *waits for next prompt but then changes mind at the last second* Your coat is awesome.

OTHER PERSON: Thanks! I got this at Kohl's.

MY INNER MONOLOGUE: Oh shit I just changed the subject and now I'm screwed. Why in the eff did I just do that? I have nothing to say about that store. The coat means nothing in the grand scheme of things, why in the hell did I just bring that up?

*insert long, semi-awkward, "I'm trapped inside my own head" pause here*

WHAT I ACTUALLY SAY: It's COLD out, why does it have to be so cold?

OTHER PERSON: Haha! I know!

MY INNER MONOLOGUE: Ok, ok, good save, good save. Weather always works, that's standard shit. But wait, I don't give a shit about the weather either really. Crap. Crap. Crap. This bastard isn't even giving me anything to go on with the "I know!" business. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

WHAT I ACTUALLY SAY: The weird thing is that when it's cold out I usually want ice cream for some reason.

OTHER PERSON: Uhhhh, yeah, I get that sometimes.

INNER MONOLOGUE: Shiiiiiiiiiiit, what the hell do I do now? I'm getting NOTHING from this mofo, NOTHING. Me? I got NOTHING!! This is officially crushing my soul. Need quick quiet time in the bathroom STAT!

WHAT I ACTUALLY SAY: I gotta hit the little girl's room, nice chatting to you though! *massive grin*

OTHER PERSON: *reciprocal grin* Nice chatting to you too!

INNER MONOLOGUE: Good, good, freedom. Bathroom NOW!


Now I'm not sure if this is an INFJ thing or just my own delightful brand of crazy, but variations on that same theme are what I experience a lot of the time with small talk. It's especially worse if I pick up on the 'nervous vibes' coming from the other person too, then it's just (awkward, awkward!) disaster. I also find myself just saying what I already know the other person will just respond to (I.E. sharing my knowledge on subjects/topics I can see they are into) just to make things go smoother, but then that backfires with people I don't really feel stimulated by just latching on to me because I 'understand' them so well, and I suck at rejecting people (though I'm getting better at it).

I wondered if any other INFJs related to any of that.

 

[entropie]

You should get urself a nice smart entp and found a family, that's all I got

 

[Lauren Ashley]

Ha, exactly how the majority of conversations goes with people I don't know. Including and especially the inner monologue. I'm pretty much incapable of small talk and I really dislike it. I don't have any interest in the mundane events of my life so I don't see why anyone else would be, but people genuinely appreciate it when I open up to them.

 

[Usehername]

I think on some level, everyone has that inner monologue going on; I also think dominant Nis have more trouble than most executing a smooth conversation simply because we make everything a meta-thought. Anything at meta-level is going to be over-generalizing, and we don't want to present ourselves falsely for ethical kinds of reasons, nor do we want the other person to not "see" us for who we are, so IME/O, we get caught in the "trying-not-to-be-incorrect/disingenuous presentation of self" part.

My solution has been to just speak all of my Ni webthoughtjourneys out loud, as far as I am able to successfully do so, which is great on two levels: (a) less angst and effort and (b) more efficient friend-making. If they don't appreciate my quirks then it wouldn't have worked out anyway!

Though one must also learn smooth Fe skills to execute when one needs to execute said skills. But when you're doing that you're not really centering on yourself, you're making everyone comfortable and the situation breezy, and then moving on amicably.

 

[Gloriana]

Usehername: I relate to the meta-thought and not wanting to appear disingenuous. I often stumble in conversation because it really is so easy to just put on the mask and act a part, something I did a lot when I was a teenager. I try putting things through the 'bullshit filter' before speaking, but then it just slows things down. I'm definitely very distracted with the comfort and pleasure of others.

I like your solution, my logic agrees that if someone isn't going to dig what comes out of me naturally, the bottom line is that we're most likely not compatible. Logic always tells me there is no forcing anything and one can't tweak a situation to make it fit into the fantasy shell. I think it's one of the main things I need to work on, the propensity I have to think ANYTHING can work out if you tweak it. I don't mean to manipulate situations that way and I'm horrified at myself when I see that I do it all too much. I'm a recovering people pleaser and control freak with a long way to go, lol.

 

[entropie]

So my advice was useless again ? You INFJs are a demanding kind of bunch... you know what I mean !

 

[Lauren Ashley]

You should get urself a nice smart entp and found a family, that's all I got

So my advice was useless again ? You INFJs are a demanding kind of bunch... you know what I mean !

I agree with your advice. That is clearly the solution to >98 percent of the average INFJ's issues in life

 

[entropie]

next time I MAYBE formulate my metaphors more clearly, MAYBE... but no you are mean, I hate you !

 

[hokie912]

I definitely relate to the meta internal dialogue. "What does the other person think of what I'm saying? God, that's so cliché!" The biggest issue with small talk is that you're put on the spot in a way that you aren't when there's a focused topic of conversation. I am much more comfortable when I have time to reflect on my answers and think of follow-up questions, and that happens much more quickly and naturally when there's a topic already. I also don't think I'm particularly talented at generating small talk questions because I have nothing to go off of, so I tend to let the other person lead. Which is fine if they can, and not so good otherwise.

 

[Gloriana]

I didn't mean to disregard you Entropie, I just thought it was one of those "No response necessary" deals

If you hear what I really thought when I read your response: I read it and thought "Ok cool, so this person apparently thinks I have the ability to found a family, which means maybe I'm not a hopeless nut burger. Ok, this is good...".

 

[Gloriana]

Oh, and I also thought "This person specifically mentioned ENTPs so I gotta go learn about them".

 

[entropie]

I didn't mean to disregard you Entropie, I just thought it was one of those "No response necessary" deals

If you hear what I really thought when I read your response: I read it and thought "Ok cool, so this person apparently thinks I have the ability to found a family, which means maybe I'm not a hopeless nut burger. Ok, this is good...".

Oh, and I also thought "This person specifically mentioned ENTPs so I gotta go learn about them".

Ok this feedback is appreciated and moves you into my circle of wise people I trust, but bear in mind, if I say something the whole world has to answer, cause I am the man with the beer

(as in: I am not so good at getting to know people, but you passed the test with waving flags and now you can go on seriously here, i'll leave you to it )

 

[Gloriana]

Oh kick ass! I've only been here one day and I get approval from the man with the beer??? Sweeeeeeeeeet!!!!

 

[entropie]

No really its an honour for me. I got the third eye with people

 

[statuesquechica]

I think the thing with me and small talk is that I am so genuinely interested in the person (what makes them tick? what are their fears/desires? why did they wear that suede coat?) that I want to get the idle chit chat out of the way and really swim around in the person's mind... something akin to the Spock Mindmeld. I mean, I really want to get to know you. You have done amazing things in your life, you have unique thoughts, you are taking a path in your life...why?why?why? It is fascinating to me and I have to say I am rarely bored when I meet new people. Even if I disagree, I am rarely bored.

Sometimes I feel a tremendous loss when I sense time is being wasted on small talk. I know it is the glue that ultimately starts a bond in any relationship, but sometimes I wish I could skip the small stuff.

 

[entropie]

I think the thing with me and small talk is that I am so genuinely interested in the person (what makes them tick? what are their fears/desires? why did they wear that suede coat?) that I want to get the idle chit chat out of the way and really swim around in the person's mind... something akin to the Spock Mindmeld. I mean, I really want to get to know you. You have done amazing things in your life, you have unique thoughts, you are taking a path in your life...why?why?why? It is fascinating to me and I have to say I am rarely bored when I meet new people. Even if I disagree, I am rarely bored.

Sometimes I feel a tremendous loss when I sense time is being wasted on small talk. I know it is the glue that ultimately starts a bond in any relationship, but sometimes I wish I could skip the small stuff.

We professionals call that "lack of imagination" but we only do that in private, besides that we make use of your people for good causes...good causes !

 

[Gloriana]

@Statuesque: I hear you! I can feel like such a hypocrite most of the time since I can be so guarded with my inner world and all my passions that it feels unfair that I want someone else to start revealing things, but I can't help it sometimes. I love when people really have passions, opinions, and ideas even if I don't agree with them. I love the rare occasion I come across someone who has something really new to say rather than quoting a magazine article or something. I'm fascinated with all the diversity in motivations and experiences that are out there within people too.

 

[statuesquechica]

^Could you explain that a little more Entropie?

 

[Oddly Refined]

cause I am the man with the beer

This reminds me of the quote, "Good, bad, I'm the guy with the gun." Yay Army of Darkness Quotes!

 

[statuesquechica]

oh, and Entropie is right: you really should learn about ENTPs. Better yet, find some!