[INFJ] Any INFJ girls?

[findthejake]

well she supposedly went to her best friends house last night... hasn't responded to a text I sent saying see ya at 5:30... so we'll see if she's there I guess.

 

[cascadeco]

-down. Whatever way she goes tomorrow, or tonight, I will be cool with. She is an amazing girl and I would love to be friends with her but I can not be ignored for days on end. It doesn't work for me.

Just wanted to chime in and say I agree with a few others who have said you might need to look beyond mbti, and it might just be an individual thing w/ her.

I've never ignored someone I'm dating for days on end!!! Even if I'm needing space, I'll at least tell the person I need a day or two to myself. And that means -- a day or two to myself So I hear ya, I wouldn't think it was cool either if I was ignored days on end.

But to be honest: a phone call or text message, every day, would make me feel suffocated (thank the lord I don't own a cell phone ;-). In fact, I dated an ENxP several years ago, and I began feeling like he was smothering me/controlling me, by always calling me and always keeping tabs on me. I didn't feel like I had any time to breathe. I also felt like I would never satisfy his needs and 'expectations.' He made the huge mistake, within the first month, of saying what he 'expected' out of a wife -- the 'expect' word is a HUGE no-no for me -- I will completely shut down and run in the opposite direction. So, once he told me all of that, for the entire remainder of the time we were dating, I was always questioning whether I was satisfying his 'expectations'/needs, so I never felt truly accepted, or safe enough to be myself.

Not to be harsh - just telling you how I would tend to react to it. ;-)

 

[findthejake]

she wasn't home.
I slid a note under her door and came home. Once again, nothing to do but wait.

 

[proteanmix]

she wasn't home.
I slid a note under her door and came home. Once again, nothing to do but wait.

Maybe you should do something in the meantime instead of waiting for this girl to call? You seem to do a lot of waiting on her...

 

[findthejake]

it's the weekend but most of my friends are working, im babysitting my lil bro while my folks are in mexico and well...nothing to do but pirate movies and watch tv!

 

[Tigerlily]

she wasn't home.
I slid a note under her door and came home. Once again, nothing to do but wait.

Noooo! You have to stop and consider moving forward.
What you're doing isn't healthy and you are only tormenting yourself imo.

 

[findthejake]

that's an awesome smiley! Thanks, I plan on moving forward but I really need the stuff I have at her place!

 

[nightning]

that's an awesome smiley! Thanks, I plan on moving forward but I really need the stuff I have at her place!

*blinks* You catch fish with lure... not chase one with a net.

The less cyptic message:
Why are you wasting time and energy going to her place? Leave her a message... answering machine or text her saying you need your stuff at her house for XXX. Invent an excuse for needing particular something at a specific day if you must. Ask her to drop them off at your place. I'm pretty sure she would know what time you're usually home... if not tell her a time period where you'll be at home to drop them off. When she drops off your stuff, you can talk to her. Don't make it hard on yourself...

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

she wasn't home.
I slid a note under her door and came home. Once again, nothing to do but wait.

That is really difficult to wait like that.

I would say basically, except for emergencies and unexpected mishaps, long durations of limited or cut-off communication should be preceded with an explanation. That feeling of not knowing why it's cut-off or for how long is the part that is a problem. Yes some people need their space, but then that person should simply say, they are really stressed out, or busy, needing to reflect and think, or whatever, so they need some time to themselves. Then they give you some attempt at a time frame or the best way to get in touch if there is something important on your end. An especially thoughtful thing is to make a concrete plan of a future date or something that is certain which falls outside the time frame when one needs to be alone. The lines of communication should not ever be completely disconnected when in a relationship. If someone is in your life, then there needs to be a way to get in touch in case something important happens.

What i do when a friend or whomever cuts me off like that is to fill my time with other people or projects. I personally cannot handle that suspended in mid-air feeling. It makes me really sick, so I can't imagine what it would be like for an extrovert.

However the situation may have a reasonable explanation. The main problem is if it becomes the status quo.

 

[findthejake]

not to stand up for her or take her side of things or whatever but I seriously think that things just moved too fast for her. I really think that we were just on different timetables and that things would have been cool on thursday and our weekend would have gone as planned if I hadn't used the "L" word on wednesday. I think that's what threw her back into her silence mode and what's made her cut me off. I totally scared her I think by moving too fast.

I know that there isn't a reason for anyone to be ignored ever but I can see why she would and I can't really blame her for it. I made a mistake by being too honest, I handled a fragile piece of china with a pair of pliers.

I am not going to attempt to contact her for several days, just going to leave her be like I should have done and she wanted me to do the last several days. When wednesday or thursday rolls around I am going to buy some flowers and leave them by her door with a note if she hasn't contacted me by then.

I know that I should take care of myself and move along but even through all of this, I can't. I've never believed in true love, ever, until this past month. I know I am in for a hell of a time but even if things don't work out in the end, I will have given it a fair go and certainly will have learned more about myself and hopefully will have developed a fair bit of patience, which is something I've always lacked.

I'll keep ya'll posted. Thanks for the love!

 

[Economica]

I really think that we were just on different timetables and that things would have been cool on thursday and our weekend would have gone as planned if I hadn't used the "L" word on wednesday. I think that's what threw her back into her silence mode and what's made her cut me off.

I haven't read the whole thread but that sounds right to me. I will add that I don't think you 'scared' her so much as you made her lose interest by coming on too strong. If you're beside yourself with eagerness to get her, you can't be much of a catch, right? Such is female illogic. :rolli:

I am not going to attempt to contact her for several days, just going to leave her be like I should have done and she wanted me to do the last several days. When wednesday or thursday rolls around I am going to buy some flowers and leave them by her door with a note if she hasn't contacted me by then.

No! Do not contact her. Either you have blown it irreparably, in which case you should not contact her, or her interest level has suffered a major setback but can still be re-raised, in which case you should also not contact her but let her contact you. It's counter-intuitive, I know, but female interest level in a man is dependent on the man being a challenge - hard to get and hard to keep - and any move on your part now would be anti-challenge.

I hope she does contact you and that you have slowed down by then so things work out, but if not: Next time find an INTJ. (Here's why.)

 

[Tigerlily]

you'd do better with an entj but honestly I don't know. I think you have to show that you are stable and consistent

I'd say ENTJ too.

not to stand up for her or take her side of things or whatever but I seriously think that things just moved too fast for her. I really think that we were just on different timetables and that things would have been cool on thursday and our weekend would have gone as planned if I hadn't used the "L" word on wednesday. I think that's what threw her back into her silence mode and what's made her cut me off. I totally scared her I think by moving too fast.

Maybe, or maybe she's just not the woman for you. It happens.

I know that there isn't a reason for anyone to be ignored ever but I can see why she would and I can't really blame her for it. I made a mistake by being too honest, I handled a fragile piece of china with a pair of pliers.

NO excuse for the lack of integrity. Next time you need microwave and dishwasher safe!

I am not going to attempt to contact her for several days, just going to leave her be like I should have done and she wanted me to do the last several days. When wednesday or thursday rolls around I am going to buy some flowers and leave them by her door with a note if she hasn't contacted me by then.

Ah fuck it (not literally). Get your stuff back and move on! Don't call her or next her or contact her anymore!

I know that I should take care of myself and move along but even through all of this, I can't.

Do it!

I've never believed in true love, ever, until this past month.

The right one is out there, I just don't believe that it's her.

I know I am in for a hell of a time but even if things don't work out in the end, I will have given it a fair go and certainly will have learned more about myself and hopefully will have developed a fair bit of patience, which is something I've always lacked.

ENTJ

Jake I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old are you and how many serious relationships have you been in?

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

No! Do not contact her. Either you have blown it irreparably, in which case you should not contact her, or her interest level has suffered a major setback but can still be re-raised, in which case you should also not contact her but let her contact you. It's counter-intuitive, I know, but female interest level in a man is dependent on the man being a challenge - hard to get and hard to keep - and any move on your part now would be anti-challenge.

I'd have to disagree. Men who were too hard to get or too distracted by other women fell off my radar. This was my personal logic in the matter: if the man cannot recognize who i am, and/or does not conclude that i am in some way unique and important for him in a way that other women are not, then he is either not smart enough to see the truth or he isn't a unique match for me either. If it's too hard, something is off.

Regarding suggesting a specific personality type as a romantic match for findthejake, i'm 'guessing' that he probably falls for whom he falls for regardless of a specific type. Is that in the ballpark? He also sounds like he won't have that much trouble finding someone else if that is what is needed.

 

[cafe]

My husband was about as much of a challenge as a puppy who thought I had a dog biscuit in my pocket. He was neither hard to get nor is he hard to keep. His affections clearly lie with me, just like mine lie with him. I can't imagine tolerating someone that I couldn't feel secure with. I'd rather be alone that live on pins and needles.

 

[Totenkindly]

I am going to attempt to go all day today without sending a text message or calling her. I've made it to 3pm! Yeah!
I don't know if you infj people can fathom the amount of self-control that ENFP's do NOT have. This is big-time for me. Learning patience and self-control while she does whatever it is she is doing... I feel like a bad puppy who got kicked out of the house and locked in the backyard for licking too much...

I for one appreciate all that you have shared here, as well as being so honest about the details of what's been going on. It's fascinating to me... because I was becoming very aware of how much I did not understand ENFP men that I had known already... and what you are doing and saying in this situation mirrors what I have seen from them elsewhere.

Honestly, I would probably find you intimidating (and I am an INTP). I intellectually understand what you are doing and am flexible enough to roll with it, but the level of involvement you seem to need before feeling "locked out" would feel overbearing to me.

(And please know that I am not saying you ARE -- what i think you are doing is just the natural "you," and you really DO want to be that involved, which is wonderful and considerate -- it is just that to an introvert, it can be overwhelming to have someone who needs more togetherness in a romantic relationship, while I know I would need more emotional space than that. Of course, I probably would not give any mixed signals, I would avoid saying anything until it got to be too overwhelming, and then I would just state it all up front and lay out my expectations and then let you decide what to invest.)

And I know how protective INFJ women can be of their emotions, while still wanting badly not to hurt anyone's feelings, and much of what is being said here is clarifying THAT for me as well. There is a distinct clash between ENFP males pursuing INFJ women, in terms of the "walls" situation. It would take work to overcome and might always be a point of friction, with both sides having to compromise greatly to have any chance of success.

When I read the whole thing, it does sound like you need someone who is more accessible, and she cannot really provide that for you, relationally. She needs her space. Your overtness does help her "know your intentions" (and if you just blew her off and let her be in charge of contacting you, she would probably feel like you were abandoning her), but it just sounds like a mismatch in personal needs.

 

[cafe]

Yeah, I can see both sides. I feel really bad for how Jake is feeling because it does feel bad to be out of the loop, etc. But I'm afraid my reaction would be somewhat similar to the INFJ's because it is just so easy to feel overwhelmed.

Sustainability is almost always near the front of my mind when I think of any endeavor, especially relationships. I need time to determine the where things are going, where I want them to go, and how fast I want them to get there. If I feel rushed or pressured it's hard not to lock up kind of like a deer in the headlights until the pressure is off and I can think calmly and clearly again. Once I've had time to mull it over and decide that the return on investment is likely to be good I can proceed simplemindedly.

But I've felt locked out more than once with my INTP and I know it is unpleasant and scary. From experience I've learned that the absolute worst thing to do is the thing you most want to do when you feel that way because doing so only makes it worse. You have to back off when you want to cling like you're drowning. Seriously not fun.

 

[Economica]

I'd have to disagree. Men who were too hard to get or too distracted by other women fell off my radar.

My husband was about as much of a challenge as a puppy who thought I had a dog biscuit in my pocket. He was neither hard to get nor is he hard to keep.

findthejake, I forgot the most important part of my advice: Don't listen to what (other ) women have to say! They will only confuse and mislead you.

Doc Love column archive (Replace the 1 in the URL with 2, 3 etc. to work your way up the archive - his first 150 or so columns are the best IMO.)

 

[Tigerlily]

findthejake, I forgot the most important part of my advice: Don't listen to what (other ) women have to say! They will only confuse and mislead you.

I disagree. I am female and imo I offered him sound advice.

 

[Totenkindly]

findthejake, I forgot the most important part of my advice: Don't listen to what (other ) women have to say! They will only confuse and mislead you.

Nope, that won't do. Just because you gave contrary advice doesn't mean all advice is the same and can routinely be ignored. (After all, he's asking about INFJ women -- and you're DEFINITELY not one of them, I think we both agree on that!

And this girl is an INFJ, so their advice should be given more credibility than yours or mine.

(For my part, I really disagreed with what you advised. It might apply to some women, but not the typical INFJ. I don't emotionally understand it, but intellectually and experientially I agreed with the INFJ women's advice.)

 

[cascadeco]

I hadn't used the "L" word on wednesday. I think that's what threw her back into her silence mode and what's made her cut me off. I totally scared her I think by moving too fast.

This is possible; I was in a situation once where the 'L' word came out within the first month or so, and because I could not reciprocate at the time, I did not know how to handle the discrepancy in us not being on the same page, at the same time.

Anyway...yes, I'm still with ya on feeling out of the loop, and it's a very uncomfortable feeling. It sucks. But I strongly agree with cafe's post.

I also think at this point the ball is out of your court, and there's nothing more you can, or should, do. You know....just remember it takes *two people* in these things, and you can only do so much; on her part, she has to communicate what's going on. I think it's great that you do care so much for her, and it's evident in your actions over the past week, and it's evident you're trying to look at her perspective of the situation, and are cutting her some slack. -->Just don't cut her too much slack. ;-) She needs to take responsibility for things too.

I say this only because I can't entirely relate to the completely-cutting-other-person-off-for-several-days thing. I just don't think it's terribly..mature.

I'm sure you'll learn what's been going on with her, soon enough. She might just be a jumble of emotions, and she can't talk to you, because she hasn't figured out what she feels yet. Who knows. Let us know once you guys DO talk it out.