[INFJ] Any INFJ girls?

[cascadeco]

Just another funny thing I thought I'd throw out there - this best friend and I both **hate** the phone. In fact, her husband gets annoyed with her that she often doesn't even like to answer it. ;-)

But we freely acknowledge that we're really weird when it comes to the phone thing - I've just always been that way, I just don't care for talking on the phone, even if it's with a good friend. We always end up e-mailing to set things up. ;-)

 

[Kiddo]

Just another funny thing I thought I'd throw out there - this best friend and I both **hate** the phone. In fact, her husband gets annoyed with her that she often doesn't even like to answer it. ;-)

I've actually fallen in love with my cellphone over the last couple years and I won't go anywhere without it. However, I find it very, very difficult to call old family and friends even though I know I should. For some reason, it's just something I tend to avoid. Does that make any sense?

 

[findthejake]

no. Ya'll are crazy.
In person she is incredibly warm and affectionate but I do think she has a slight fear of verbal communication on the phone. I get amazing emails sent my way though!

 

[faith]

Emails and letters are so much better than phone conversation. You can think and rethink and rephrase until the email is exactly what you want to say--and the person only has to read it once. On the phone, if you're constantly rephrasing, the poor guy has to listen to all your nonsense before you're finally satisfied that you've expressed yourself adequately.

 

[Kyrielle]

Definitely. That's the drawback with me and phones. 1) I can't see the person, so I can't at least show them what I mean via gestures. 2) I find it very difficult to pay attention to just a voice...it's just not as enjoyable as using e-mail or face-to-face communication. Now text messages are a whole other matter. I don't mind those, as long as the other person doesn't mind waiting 10 minutes while I puzzle out a properly spelled, grammatically correct message back.

 

[Totenkindly]

Emails and letters are so much better than phone conversation. You can think and rethink and rephrase until the email is exactly what you want to say--and the person only has to read it once. On the phone, if you're constantly rephrasing, the poor guy has to listen to all your nonsense before you're finally satisfied that you've expressed yourself adequately.

That is why I hate face-to-face conversation most of the time as well. I feel so clumsy and incoherent... and I get especially frustrated if I am having an "argument" (even a low-key one) where someone ends up picking at a particular clumsy way I said something that did not convey what I actually meant... so now I have to clarify what I meant all over again.

And it gets SO confusing to them to hear me say, "Oh, fine -- just forget I said THAT, it wasn't what I meant at all, listen to THIS instead" ... over and over.

Speaking to me is like "painting with a broad brush." I tend to be vague at first, then slowly hone in on what I want to say. Writing is so nice because I can do the polishing before the recipient sees it.

 

[Tigerlily]

I didn't get married until I was 28 and I knew as soon as I met my Husband that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

I have never enjoyed dating extroverted men because imo they were major flirts which I wasn't comfortable with. I guess I like being the center of my mans attention.

You really can't and shouldn't change who you are imo, but I suppose if you are really interested in this woman you should chill a bit. Let her know you're there, but don't be too eager as I think you may scare her off.

PS we also met online and communicated for three months prior to meeing irl. There wasn't much we didn't know about one another which made being together easier. We didn't converse on the phone very well and still aren't too chatty when for example he's out of town and we speak on the phone. It's usually Hi, how was your day, mine was ok, I miss you and I love you nighty night

 

[xNFJiminy]

ENFP-INFJ is said to be an excellent match. True in my experience, at least for friendship.

Only advice is remember she's likely not as comfortable with as much spontaneity as you are, and might not want to express that.

 

[findthejake]

Do you INFJ girls tend to close down and lock people out?
She told me in the past she's 'opened the door but left the safety chain on' and that she can feel herself doing that already but that for the first time she wants to let someone in all the way and that someone is me. None-the-less I can feel the walls going up, any suggestions? I know she digs me and I think she's just scared of being hurt and I really don't know how to help her.

 

[cascadeco]

Without knowing her in particular, anything I say will be conjecture.

But at least with me, sometimes I just get into little 'funks' - little moods - where I withdraw and I don't want to be around anyone, and it usually doesn't have anything to do with a specific person. While I'm in that mood, I'm aware that I'm in the mood, so I tend to stay quiet because of that. It's usually tied to me being self-reflective and going into analysis mode. I tend to distance myself from relationships in general at that point, just til I get more solid again. And..what I say when I'm feeling that way, is more likely a reflection of my present mood, which is why I don't say anything. I don't want to say anything that I'd regret, that comes out due to sheer irritability, or whatever.

So it could just simply be one of her little bouts of introversion, and nothing more. I wouldn't worry too much about it, or push her too much to divulge. She'll divulge if she needs to. But maybe try to keep her from introverting too much...keep her active in the world, and try to do activities together.

Sometimes when I'm aware I'm closing myself off, I wish deeply that I had an extrovert to pull me out, to keep me from going too far into my brain. So...activities!! Be present and available, but don't dig too deeply. She very likely will sort through whatever she's thinking about, on her own, and in her own time.

And, because she probably DOES carry wounds from past relationships (don't we all?), I'm sure she will tippy-toe carefully into it, or go, then retreat a bit, assess things, then move forward again...just being more cautious.

But again...simply conjecture based on myself. I think though that INFJ's are pretty complex anyway...so I have a feeling there are a lot of individual nuances.

 

[Kyrielle]

Do you INFJ girls tend to close down and lock people out?
She told me in the past she's 'opened the door but left the safety chain on' and that she can feel herself doing that already but that for the first time she wants to let someone in all the way and that someone is me. None-the-less I can feel the walls going up, any suggestions? I know she digs me and I think she's just scared of being hurt and I really don't know how to help her.

I do. Sometimes because I'll just be sick of every last human being on earth and almost anything dealing with them just causes me to be irritable. I do have an exception for the people who absolutely understand me when I get like this, and those are the people I'll spend more time with because I can feel that it's safe to speak my mind without them getting upset. Or feel safe to not say anything at all and they're okay with that.

But aside from that.

For me, getting to know someone new means a long, drawn-out process of reprogramming my brain to stop putting up walls for this new person. Since I naturally have a tendency to put up walls between myself and just about everyone, I have to make exceptions for those I wish to open up to. And it's like trying to tell a bird to fly backwards. It's very difficult, but not impossible.

 

[findthejake]

good to know.
She told me she's just been really sick the last couple of days but I am not sure if she's sick of me or just sick! I'll find out eventually!

 

[tovlo]

Do you INFJ girls tend to close down and lock people out?
She told me in the past she's 'opened the door but left the safety chain on' and that she can feel herself doing that already but that for the first time she wants to let someone in all the way and that someone is me. None-the-less I can feel the walls going up, any suggestions? I know she digs me and I think she's just scared of being hurt and I really don't know how to help her.

I suspect you are right about her fear of being hurt.

For me, it is in the darkness of lack of information that fear begins to grow. If she is like me, it would be unwise to hide anything from her. She will likely sense the concealment even if she can only guess at what it is being concealed. It is among these guesses that my fear is generally fertilized. If I have any reason to think I may be in an environment of emotional danger, I will be hyper alert to signs of it's presence. If you have always been open with her, then keep being so. In an environment flooded with the information of total openness and honesty, I suspect eventually trust will begin to grow and in your company that tendency to be hyper alert for betrayal will lessen.

Basically I suggest being open, loving, and patient with her.

I wish you two the best. I get a sense of the love you have for her in the way you express here, and I think perhaps your loving nature could be very good for her. I hope you eventually become a place where she can feel truly safe.

 

[findthejake]

patience has never been one of my greatest virtues but this girl is making me learn it! It's going to be a very hard battle for me to deal with her insecurities and maintain my sanity while she works through them. I am glad that I am at least intuitive enough to know what's going on a bit inside her mind so I don't just jump ship and ruin something so potentially amazing, though if she keeps me locked out for too long I may not be able to maintain myself and just give up!

Girls are a mystery. INFJ girls, doubly so.

 

[tovlo]

patience has never been one of my greatest virtues but this girl is making me learn it! It's going to be a very hard battle for me to deal with her insecurities and maintain my sanity while she works through them. I am glad that I am at least intuitive enough to know what's going on a bit inside her mind so I don't just jump ship and ruin something so potentially amazing, though if she keeps me locked out for too long I may not be able to maintain myself and just give up!

Girls are a mystery. INFJ girls, doubly so.

I appreciate your honesty.

A couple things to consider. If she senses that you perceive her way of being as a problem that needs to be worked through and senses you are potentially ready to jump ship, she may very well be picking up on real emotional danger coming down the road and instinctively be closing down into protective mode based on those signals.

If you care for her, please consider that perhaps her walls are not really about a problem of insecurity, but rather her best form of keeping herself safe until she knows she's in a place where defense is not needed.

In what you've just shared here, it sounds as if you're not yet that safe place for her. I do hope that eventually you will be that place. I'm wishing for you the patience of acceptance and for you both the courage to stretch beyond your current selves in love.

 

[findthejake]

Do ya'll occasionally lock out the world for a couple of days and become a total hermit?

That's what she did this week, worried the hell outta me but everything is back to normal now. In fact I think it's better than normal, she looks and sounds like she is all new and fresh.

 

[xNFJiminy]

A couple of days? That's nothing! Haha. I'm not 'drained' by people like a true introvert, but I do like and maybe need solid, unbroken stretches of time just to be with my own free-range thoughts. Not for energy, just because they take over by force if neglected long enough, which renders me completely disfunctional. I do feel ready to focus entirely on the real world afterwards. Perhaps it's an Ni thing. INFJs and I seem to be cyclical.

I would consider it surprising for an INFJ not to do that. Nothing to worry about.

 

[faith]

Do you INFJ girls tend to close down and lock people out?
She told me in the past she's 'opened the door but left the safety chain on' and that she can feel herself doing that already but that for the first time she wants to let someone in all the way and that someone is me.

Yes. All the time. I leave the safety chain on for almost everyone. I took it off in college for the girl who became my best friend--though I still kept some rooms inside locked. She never made me regret taking the chain off, and I love her for it. Maybe two more friends since then, but I have interrior doors that lock off vulnerable wings and hallways inside, and I generally keep those closed.

Only this past year, with nocturne, have I intentionally begun opening those interrior doors that stay locked. He tends to poke around and I let him pick the locks. It's very scary. Sometimes I have to close down for a little bit--give myself time to adjust and bring those fear-based reactions under control. Sometimes I try to divert his attention while I lock things back up, but he's not easily diverted. It's really a wonderful discovery to find that I can let someone into all those rooms, to find that I'm still safe while someone else wanders around. But it's not easy.

None-the-less I can feel the walls going up, any suggestions? I know she digs me and I think she's just scared of being hurt and I really don't know how to help her.

Be very very very very patient. And persistent. And don't take her fear personally--it's not her saying she doesn't like you. It's just that she knows you have power to hurt her, and experience has taught her that most people are careless and clumsy. What helped me the most (what still helps me; it's a long--and possibly endless?--process.) is consistent and unrelenting acceptance, love, patience, and understanding. There are no secret passwords or magic formulas. Just keep loving her and assuring her that she's safe with you. And, of course, respect her desire for privacy when she's clear about it; don't demand entrance as right or proof of her love.

Do ya'll occasionally lock out the world for a couple of days and become a total hermit?

That's what she did this week, worried the hell outta me but everything is back to normal now. In fact I think it's better than normal, she looks and sounds like she is all new and fresh.

Yes, of course. I do that quite a lot. It's very important to my mental and emotional health. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong--just that I'm enjoying the peace and freedom of my own company without any distractions from other people.

 

[htb]

walls

walls

More or less Posted by faith
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[cascadeco]

I've just realized this very forum, and my reaction to it, kind of fits this topic.

I started posting here because I enjoyed the intellectual aspect of it, and the potential to make some connections and find commonalities with others. In my desire to be true and real, in order to make potential connections, I feel I was a bit overzealous, and divulged way too much, way too soon.

Now I'm stressing out as a result, because part of me is saying 'Idiot'!!! Why did you share so much?? You're only setting yourself up to be poked at by others who don't understand, can't relate, or simply think you're silly!! And, why are you so sensitive about it anyway??

I already feel some walls being set back up and put back into place...:rolli: