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Thread: Any INFJ girls?

  1. #51
    ish red no longer *sad* nightning's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by findthejake View Post
    Which I didn't really read as well as I should have. The "to myself" part should have told me to leave her alone but I didn't... I know everything will be ok tomorrow but honestly I don't understand why she does this. Damn my extrovertedness!
    Yah... we tend to need quite a bit of time to recuperate. I'm sure things will work out. Hang in there!

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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    When I have put up walls like that it is because of being hurt or betrayed by someone and not feeling strong enough to not forgive them. It feels like they have all the power, like I am so vulnerable, wanting it to resolve back into something good. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. The best safeguard is to clearly and deliberately make that impossible. The excessive external boundary compensates for the lack of internal boundary. Does that make sense? This may not be true for all INFJ, but I'm guessing it is true for more than just me.
    Ditto for me.

    It sounds natural for her to want some alone time right now. If you really felt a need to communicate with her, a (one) short and loving email or pm (acknowledging her desire for space, but reassuring her of your commitment and affection) might be okay since it doesn't require a response from her.

    Remember that interpersonal communication can sap the energy of introverts. We may enjoy it, but we don't always have the energy for it. And an emotional self-revelation can be very draining.

    It might help to think of interpersonal interactions as reading or running. There are some people who run to relax and feel better. To others, nothing could be more exhausting and unpleasant. There are some people who read to relax. To others, reading is a chore only to be undertaken when necessary. There's nothing wrong with your extrovertedness except when you expect her to be like you. You like to run; she likes to read. She can learn to run and you can learn to read, but it's unwise to expect her to want to run as much or often as you do--or for her to expect you to want to read all the time.

  3. #53

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    well said.

  4. #54
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    I'm not sure what's going on with you or if I should let you in on what is potentially an important secret for some percentage of INFJs, but...

    When I have put up walls like that it is because of being hurt or betrayed by someone and not feeling strong enough to not forgive them. It feels like they have all the power, like I am so vulnerable, wanting it to resolve back into something good. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. The best safeguard is to clearly and deliberately make that impossible. The excessive external boundary compensates for the lack of internal boundary. Does that make sense? This may not be true for all INFJ, but I'm guessing it is true for more than just me.
    Wow. You put this so well. Once someone is in they are in, so I have to be careful who I let in.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  5. #55

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    She's in lockdown. Total lockdown/out.

    I tried to push, I know I shouldn't have but my heart is blistering over here. I went to her place, picked up some stuff for her and put it by her door, then sent her a text telling her to grab it and I would leave, she never did.

    So I threw the dozen roses onto her back patio and left the soup on her door telling her if I didn't hear from her by 8, I was calling the paramedics. She has a tendency to be self-destructive.

    She sent me a text telling me she wasn't hurting herself, that she loved the gifts and now she needed another vase (since I gave her some roses a week and half ago)

    I sent a text back "I am not exageratting, lying or being misled when I say this..."
    "I love you *her name*. Don't lock me out."

    I know she cares about me and possibly loves me as well. She gave me a bracelet this weekend and for her that's huge. She's only ever given one to her best friend before.... give me some advice here girls...

  6. #56
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    This is hard because something like an obsessive state is normal in the early stages of a relationship, but I think you need to distract yourself with other people and things a little more than you are doing right now.

    It is not going to be remotely possible for one INFJ to come anywhere near meeting your social needs. She just isn't going to be able to do it and expecting a lot of that from her socially is really going to wear her out. When she gets worn out, she is going to withdraw and that is not going to be a good cycle. It's possible that in time, she will do okay with you being around and the both of you being quiet together, but she isn't there yet.

    You need to trust that she feels the way she says she feels about you. I think she really likes you a lot and that there is some great potential, but you mustn't always be demanding reassurance at the expense of her down time. I know it is hard for you to feel what you are feeling when you don't hear from her for awhile, but it's not just about you, you know?

    If you truly want to nurture her, you have to respect her boundaries. She needs to feel that she has a right to them and they are valid and that you are not going to break if she takes care of her physical and emotional health by taking the alone time she needs.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  7. #57
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Ain't a girl, but you might need something else to focus on for at least a week. It will be hard, we share Fi man; but seriously you will need other activities to focus on in between what her energy level can handle. You say she's self destructive; I remember a time when the inferior Fe of an INTP made me feel undeserving. That will add to the lock out up to and including any guilt she makes herself feel over not being able to keep up with you. Trust me, it will blow gaskets in anyone's mind, especially those who come out of emotional trials.

    When a person fasts for weeks you can't stuff them full the day they can have food again; you make them sick and it really hurts the stomach. The better method is slowly eating bits at a time, slowly; gradually you work on larger and larger amounts till a "typical" proportion can be eaten again. Chick won't take her jacket off during a wind storm, but she will if the sun warms her up enough.
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  8. #58

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    the lockout thing is sooooo foreign to me. I am learning patience, I just need to learn it faster. I have been doing alot of stuff with other friends and job hunting and whatnot. Getting into work again I think will help alot, for her as well.

    How do infj's handle the "lockout" when they have work responsibilities?

  9. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    If you truly want to nurture her, you have to respect her boundaries. She needs to feel that she has a right to them and they are valid and that you are not going to break if she takes care of her physical and emotional health by taking the alone time she needs.
    Quoted for emphasis and agreement. Earlier you asked what would help an INFJ to trust you and open up to you, how you could get her to let down her walls. This is the way.

    Quote Originally Posted by findthejake View Post
    How do infj's handle the "lockout" when they have work responsibilities?
    You mean, how do we manage being with people when we're forced to because of work? I'm learning that now, and it's really really hard. I'm teaching high school this year--first time ever. Sometimes I feel I'm going to explode from being with people too much. So much talking, so much noise, so much STUFF GOING ON all the freaking time and I can't get away. It's hellish. I can't even eat lunch alone. It's super hard; possibly the hardest thing I've ever done. Most nights I think it will literally kill me to go to work again the next day. I pray that I won't snap and go crazy, because I feel like I'm on the edge.

    But I'm learning to withdraw into my own mind every opportunity. Part of me has to be "on", but another part can withdraw and rest for a bit. Like standing on one leg while resting the other one. And I have a fantastic guy who encourages me to be myself and never stops supporting and nurturing me.

  10. #60
    ish red no longer *sad* nightning's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by findthejake View Post
    How do infj's handle the "lockout" when they have work responsibilities?
    Well for me, "lockout" is keyed to specific issues. As long as you don't bring them up, I have no problems working with other people. If the problem involves people at work... that's more bothersome. I have to keep on telling myself how important the work is and try my best to keep interactions with the problematic person to a minimal, but still act cordially towards them for the sake of the project. After work, I need a ton of time to destress though.

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