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Thread: Any INFJ girls?

  1. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by findthejake View Post
    Do you INFJ girls tend to close down and lock people out?
    She told me in the past she's 'opened the door but left the safety chain on' and that she can feel herself doing that already but that for the first time she wants to let someone in all the way and that someone is me. None-the-less I can feel the walls going up, any suggestions? I know she digs me and I think she's just scared of being hurt and I really don't know how to help her.
    Yes. When I was younger, very much so. As I've gotten older and begun to understand this about me, I've been more aware of it - but I still do it. In the past, I've been told I go "hot & cold" on people. Now I just do the open one door if the person shows me he or she is trustworthy and authentic, but there's another door right behind it that he or she will be stuck at until I'm shown that I can open it. That probably doesn't make much sense to someone not an INFJ, but it's the best I can explain it. Once someone hurts me, I can & usually will shut ALL the doors and they end up back at door #1. It's like I kicked them out of my castle.

    In a romantic relationship, I tend to let people in just a little bit further & the "safety chain" thing probably refers to the little tests we INFJ's give to people we are interested in. I'll throw some things out there hinting at what's behind the door in order to judge the reaction of the person. If I get a negative one, the door won't be opened.

    It may be that she's scared of being hurt, but there's nothing you can do to *help* her. It's not something that she needs help with or something that is even wrong! If you go the route of helping her, you may cause some resentment. I had a boyfriend once who tried to "save" me from what he perceived to be my insecurities & fears, but I never undersood what he was trying to save me from - as I was just being myself. Maybe at the core of my existence, I open doors one at a time because I'm scared of being hurt - but I also do it because that's who I am and my private life is something I only choose to share with those whom I trust fully. I just don't feel comfortable sharing it with everyone I meet - nor do I desire to do so.

    The whole opening door thing is also how I keep acquaintances or keep people in my life that I do not consider close friends. I have perfectly healthy relationships with these people because I keep them at the door I choose. To compare this to an ENFP, I noticed that my best friend will discredit someone COMPLETELY if they do something against her personal value system (and take it very personally). I'll just not let that person get past most of my doors.

  2. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by findthejake View Post
    Do ya'll occasionally lock out the world for a couple of days and become a total hermit?

    That's what she did this week, worried the hell outta me but everything is back to normal now. In fact I think it's better than normal, she looks and sounds like she is all new and fresh.
    Yes. I'll not return phone calls and sit in my room for a couple days when I'm stressed out. Usually I'll write a bit during that time if I feel I need an outlet. Also, when I'm sick, I like to be left alone.

    I find I do this more when I have a job that involves constant people interaction. I'm so tired at the end of the day that I'll shut out the world to recharge.

    FYI, this is a way my ENFP best friend and I conflicted. However, she had a need to understand it (and I took the time to understand her point of view) & that's why we ended up amazing roommates. I had to make it clear that it was nothing to take personally. When we first started living together, I tended to shut out more intensely because of the constant socialization that she needed from me & that she brought into the apartment.

  3. #43
    Senior Member Kyrielle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by findthejake View Post
    Do ya'll occasionally lock out the world for a couple of days and become a total hermit?

    That's what she did this week, worried the hell outta me but everything is back to normal now. In fact I think it's better than normal, she looks and sounds like she is all new and fresh.
    Yes, I do the same thing. Sometimes for a whole week. It's most of the reason why I don't leave the apartment on the weekends...I just need that time and space to relax and spend some quality time with myself. If I don't do that, it starts to feel like I've not been sleeping...it's that same kind of mental and emotional exhaustion. You could consider it like a couple of days going into mental/emotional cleansing.

    Quote Originally Posted by htb View Post
    .

  4. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by tovlo View Post
    ...If she senses that you perceive her way of being as a problem that needs to be worked through and senses you are potentially ready to jump ship, she may very well be picking up on real emotional danger coming down the road and instinctively be closing down into protective mode based on those signals. ...her walls are not really about a problem of insecurity, but rather her best form of keeping herself safe until she knows she's in a place where defense is not needed.
    I just read this, and agree very strongly. It's smart and practical of her to keep herself safe--like wearing shoes when you're walking through thorns. Only an idiot, or one with very tough feet, walks barefoot through a briarpatch. There's nothing wrong with her protecting herself. It's not a fault; it's not a flaw; it's not something you have to fix.

    And htb: The fools who have tried catapults were quickly exterminated.

  5. #45

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    Ok, this "mute withdrawal" stuff has got to stop. Or at least be reformed somehow. Don't put up a complete wall! Leave me a window or something...shit. I feel locked out, alone, scared.


    I'm not angry about the walls. I'm just confused and hurt. I feel like she really only communicates with me when we are physically together. I can't understand how someone can pretend like they don't know how to answer their phone or call someone back and then a few days later act like everything is fine, better than fine, just to do it all over again! AGGGGGHHHHH.

  6. #46
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by findthejake View Post
    Ok, this "mute withdrawal" stuff has got to stop. Or at least be reformed somehow. Don't put up a complete wall! Leave me a window or something...shit. I feel locked out, alone, scared.
    I'm not sure what's going on with you or if I should let you in on what is potentially an important secret for some percentage of INFJs, but...

    When I have put up walls like that it is because of being hurt or betrayed by someone and not feeling strong enough to not forgive them. It feels like they have all the power, like I am so vulnerable, wanting it to resolve back into something good. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. The best safeguard is to clearly and deliberately make that impossible. The excessive external boundary compensates for the lack of internal boundary. Does that make sense? This may not be true for all INFJ, but I'm guessing it is true for more than just me.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  7. #47
    ish red no longer *sad* nightning's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    When I have put up walls like that it is because of being hurt or betrayed by someone and not feeling strong enough to not forgive them. It feels like they have all the power, like I am so vulnerable, wanting it to resolve back into something good.
    I see myself do that sometimes as well. I can act rather defensive and withdrawn when discussing a sensitive issue with someone I care about. The main concern is the fear of handling the situation badly. So I turn inward in hopes of figuring out how exactly do I feel about it and what I should do next. But sometimes I simply don't know how to describe what I'm feeling to someone else... and that might lead to me avoid the issue whenever I can.

    It's not a easy thing for extraverts to deal with, this constant barriers. But you might want to try telling her that no matter what it is, you'll try to provide unconditional support. It might also help to tell her how you're feeling at the moment. INFJs are typically accomodating... except when we become preoccupied with something. Reminders are helpful.

  8. #48
    Senior Member htb's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by faith View Post
    And htb: The fools who have tried catapults were quickly exterminated.

  9. #49

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    she divulged some pretty heavy stuff on me the other night. I think this is a post-defense for her to work through what she told me. To make sure she's comfortable with me knowing...

    At least thats the best I can figure. It was stuff she's never told anyone before. So it was pretty heavy. I was super gracious about all of it, told her it had no effect on my feelings towards her and then I held her tight and let her cry it out. Everything was cool. We talked on the phone for about 20 minutes last night, everything was gravy, she had a bit of a head cold but we made plans for today... then today nothing but silence until I leave a message saying im going to stop by on my way home from an interview. I get a message saying "Not tonight, ok? I need another day to myself to feel better"

    Which I didn't really read as well as I should have. The "to myself" part should have told me to leave her alone but I didn't... I know everything will be ok tomorrow but honestly I don't understand why she does this. Damn my extrovertedness!

  10. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    I'm not sure what's going on with you or if I should let you in on what is potentially an important secret for some percentage of INFJs, but...

    When I have put up walls like that it is because of being hurt or betrayed by someone and not feeling strong enough to not forgive them. It feels like they have all the power, like I am so vulnerable, wanting it to resolve back into something good. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. The best safeguard is to clearly and deliberately make that impossible. The excessive external boundary compensates for the lack of internal boundary. Does that make sense? This may not be true for all INFJ, but I'm guessing it is true for more than just me.
    This is completely true for me. I think I also use it as a way to gain back some control in my situation. If I close down, then I'm CHOOSING to shut you out. I also do it when I sense someone's about to leave me. It's probably not entirely healthy, but it is my natural reaction when I feel as though I've lost all control.

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