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Thread: Any INFJ girls?

  1. #11

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    Ok so here's what happened today, we'll see if any of the infj ladies can give me some insight.

    The girl asked me last night to call to wake her up this morning, so I did. We talked, laughed and were overall sappy. Around 1 or 2pm I give her a call and talk to her for awhile, we talk, laugh etc. I ask if I can come over after work and watch a movie with her, she tells me to give her a call on my way, that she'll be at her folks house.
    I get off work, call her, no answer. Call, no answer. Drive the 30some minutes to her place, park and wait for a half/hour. Call, she answers. She's in her PJ's at her folks house doing laundry and plans on staying there tonight. I ask if I can cruise by on my way home and she doesn't say no but she doesn't answer either so I take that as a no, she says 'kisses' and i say 'kisses' then I hang up and just go home.
    What the hell happened. I don't understand at all.
    I am thinking like maybe I am coming on too strong or something, that I put myself out there too much, that I overdid it. I think these are all stereotypical ENFP thoughts but someone help me understand her!


    *edited to add the message I sent her when i got home*
    The whole way home I was trying to decide if I should send you another message or just let things ride but I am unable to keep my fingers from typing. I can only hope that you appreciate hearing the inner workings of my brain as much as I appreciate hearing yours.
    I am sorry for the text message, I could have waited to get home and just sent this but once again my fingers went before my brain could stop them.
    I can't explain the way I feel about you Sarah. I have met alot of people in my travels and life and many of them I have become attached to in different ways but you make me feel different than any before. I am hopelessly addicted to the energy I feel when I am around you, or just talking to you. I love to make you smile more than anything else I can think of doing.
    Because I have never been in a relationship like this before and because I have never felt this way before, I really don't know how to act. My heart tells me to try to connect with you all the time and so I act on that. I may overact on that and I am sorry. I need to allow you to contact me instead of me constantly hounding you with phone calls, texts and even myspace messages.
    So for now I will stop until you tell me otherwise. When you want to talk or see me, call. I am sorry if I misinterpreted anything and I am even more sorry if I in any way made you feel bad tonight. My intentions are only ever to make you happy and hear you laugh. I hope you will allow me to try and do this for a very long time.
    Have an amazing night darling and I hope to hear from you soon,
    Lots and Lots of Passionate Kisses,
    jake

  2. #12
    Senior Member Kyrielle's Avatar
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    Well, the first thing that came to my mind was, "Wow, okay, way too many phone calls." But that's just me. I don't know about her. But it might be something to keep in mind, maybe. I don't think it's so much an INFJ thing as it's an Introvert thing...sometimes a couple of really long calls can be enough, especially if you were going to see her tomorrow.

    To me, the "give me a call on your way" part sounds like, "I have no idea, maybe, yes, no, maybe. I don't know what will be happening later (or there are some factors that are unknown until later), so just call me then and I can figure it out."

    And the no answer might have been her deliberating on the situation. Maybe there were a lot of things going on at the moment. Maybe she was suddenly hit by the Ni massive amount of possible things that could happen if you cruised by, and was bumbling her way mentally through the mess to decide what should happen. Or it could have been that she was at her parents and wanted to enjoy their company for the night and take a break with people that are completely familiar. Which isn't a negative, I don't think.

  3. #13

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    these are the differences between us for sure, for me I appreciate when friends ring me alot but then again I always have my phone on me, she doesn't and she seems to lose it alot. But you are crazy right, too many calls.

  4. #14
    Senior Member tovlo's Avatar
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    Well, it might be interesting what other infj women think, but truly I think the most enlightening would be to speak directly to the woman involved as soon as the two of you are able to next talk.

    I would avoid assuming anything.

    I happen to like very frequent contact with my loved one. What you describe doesn't sound like too much contact to me at all. What's too much is probably a unique balance depending on the specific people (not necessarily determined by type) and the particular relationship circumstances.

    One thought I can imagine in running through your scenario would be some potential sense of discomfort about interaction between you and her family. (not sure how much contact you've had already with her family?) Social things are always a little stressful for me and particularly the intersection of various social worlds can feel awkward to me.

    Perhaps she needed or wanted to go to her parents tonight for whatever reason. She wants to be with you and cares for you too. She was uncertain when you asked to watch a movie because she wasn't quite sure how the night would play out. She asked you to call so then in that moment she might know better what she would feel comfortable with. You called and either she didn't hear the phone, or did hear it, but still didn't really know internally how she wanted to handle being at her parents and being with you. When you did finally reach her she still hadn't worked out what she was comfortable with or what she wanted to do and so when you asked her directly she was evasive because she didn't know what the answer was even yet and didn't have the ability to put all that internal confusion into words either.

    I think it's positive that she seems receptive to you when you do speak and things ended lovingly and affectionately in that last call.

    I wouldn't worry (well, ok, I would, but I'm advising you from the wiser place within me). I wouldn't determine to change anything about the way you interact with her yet. I would talk to her and explain how you felt and ask her gently what went on or if there is anything wrong. You kind of did this already with that mail. I would wait until you have that conversation with her and hear her tell you what was going on with her internally before you make any unilateral (or anonymous INFJ guided) decisions about what was going on with her. If she doesn't bring up the mail, please make sure you do. I sometimes feel awkward bringing up topics, but I'm always responsive (I think) when others do. Perhaps it's just my odd manifestation of type, but I generally prefer to be responsive than to have to initiate things.

    I really didn't read an overwhelming need for concern in what you shared. Sounds like it could easily just be some miscommunication that can be solved with a little direct conversation. Good luck.
    "We don't see things as they are,
    we see things as we are."
    ...Anais Nin

  5. #15

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    Ok ya'll my ENFP tendencies totally overreacted. I just got the most amazing email ever from the girl, god i love her.

    Tovlo - You are amazing. You nailed everything.

  6. #16
    Senior Member tovlo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by findthejake View Post
    Ok ya'll my ENFP tendencies totally overreacted. I just got the most amazing email ever from the girl, god i love her.

    Tovlo - You are amazing. You nailed everything.
    I'm glad all is well!
    "We don't see things as they are,
    we see things as we are."
    ...Anais Nin

  7. #17
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by findthejake View Post
    The girl asked me last night to call to wake her up this morning, so I did. We talked, laughed and were overall sappy. Around 1 or 2pm I give her a call and talk to her for awhile, we talk, laugh etc. I ask if I can come over after work and watch a movie with her, she tells me to give her a call on my way, that she'll be at her folks house.
    I get off work, call her, no answer. Call, no answer. Drive the 30some minutes to her place, park and wait for a half/hour. Call, she answers. She's in her PJ's at her folks house doing laundry and plans on staying there tonight.
    I ask if I can cruise by on my way home and she doesn't say no but she doesn't answer either so I take that as a no, she says 'kisses' and i say 'kisses' then I hang up and just go home.
    What the hell happened. I don't understand at all.
    I am thinking like maybe I am coming on too strong or something, that I put myself out there too much, that I overdid it. I think these are all stereotypical ENFP thoughts but someone help me understand her!
    I think it's good to keep the lines of communication open. There is no way to know exactly what's going on, but this is just my impression.

    You sound very in the moment, passionate, risk taking. It sound worth it to you to just put yourself out there for someone you value. What is the worst that can happen? I'm guessing rejection would hurt you intensely, but not having taken the risk could be worse? Because of your spontaneity and adaptability, your seem unlikely to be focused on how you will cope with various outcomes, so you dive right in and let it happen, knowing that somehow you will cope regardless of outcomes.

    An INFJ becomes very analytical when encountering something they value highly. If a conversation or action touches them deeply, they will need some time to withdraw and absorb it. INFJs take risks, but they are thought through. It is rare for some INFJs to connect to someone in that really deep way. They cannot typcially do this in an instant. It will take an INFJ longer to get to the emotional point you are already at. On the same token, with rejection, do remember, it will take the INFJ longer to recover from that as well. There is a good reason INFJs protect themselves. That deepest part when broken, never really recovers, but becomes a lifetime scar.

    My impression is that your friend needs a slower pace. The key phrase in the conversation could have been the lack of commitment to see the movie later. She just said to call her, but didn't actually say "yes, definitely, let's see a movie". In her lingo, the lack of a clear 'yes', may have implied a maybe or probably not. I used to be stupidly vague in my conversation expecting people to read the subtle cues. With maturity i've learned that's actually just bad communication and have become much more direct. So the bottom line: you will be especially helpful in keeping the communication open and direct, but realize the path to her heart is possibly a long and complex labryinth that takes time and courage to traverse.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  8. #18
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Well, it sounds like you have a pretty good dynamic with your girlfriend right now, and are communicating well with each other...so sounds like you're on the right path!!

    I don't know that anything I add will be helpful at this point! :-)

    I know of two ENFP's, one male and one female, and both are good friends of mine. They're' a little...random and flighty...but, they're SO interesting because of that. A lot of fun, a lot of energy, and very good at socializing and being open to getting to know a quiet gal like me. :-)

    I think I would have been open to being romantically involved with the guy at some point; however - and it very well could just be unique to him, and not his 'type' at all - he seemed to be clueless that I had any interest in him, and just seemed in general to have so many activities he was involved with, that he didn't have time for a relationship, or relationships weren't even on his radar!! He has an odd naievete when it comes to that. The other thing about him (and another INFJ friend who also knows him totally agrees with this) is that he tends to be so spontaneous as to make it difficult to socialize with him. Now I love spontaneousness...but a more structured spontaneousness, haha!!... but as an example, he'd say 'Hey, I might be going out tonight with some friends, do you want me to give you a call?', and I'd say sure. Then the night would wittle away, and he'd finally call me at 10pm or something, saying 'We're at such and such place, wanna join us?'...and I'd totally be out of the mood for it by that point, and most likely in my PJ's by then. ;-) Now, this when I was younger, nowadays if I was asked that question by him, I'd say very straightforwardly: "Yes, I'm interested in going out, but I need you to call me earlier in the evening, like 6-7pm, to give me a heads up on what the game plan is. If you end up calling much later than that, I'll probably pass." Or something like that.

    With both, I must be honest, their endless chatter can wear me out at times. ;-) Don't get me wrong, their capacity to have really enlightening, thoughtful, deep conversations is rare and I definitely seek that out in my friends...but they both also have a tendency for sheer babbling...which can become annoying. But that's more a reflection of me - that I'm so introverted that I at some point hit the wall and my tolerance for talking stops, and I need to go off on my own.

    You asked about punctuality. When I was younger, I used to get bothered when friends were always late. I just didn't get it, and on a logical level I still don't; but that's because I plan everything out so that I AM on time - just because I personally find that respectful of the other person. But while I might never 'get it', I do allow for the fact that other people just operate a bit differently from me, and so I have certain friends who I *expect* will not be on time. So, I now carry books with me whenever I'm meeting up with someone, just on the offchance they're late. I would recommend trying not to make it a habit though to be chronically late.

  9. #19

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    Thanks! She's totally the late one though! Slowest girl I've ever met as far as meeting on time and calling back and stuff.

    Our relationship is definitely going to become something completely different starting tomorrow as I now have a job that lets me travel alot, tomorrow I leave for a week, maybe longer. It'll be interesting to see how serious both of us are with me being gone for so long. I know I am good for it but Heaven only knows what she thinks. She says that in past relationships she's opened the door to the guy but left the security chain attached, she says with me she wants to open the door all the way because she feels so amazing around me, like she can do anything. I totally appreciate that honesty and I understand it will be difficult for her to do that.
    As an ENFP, I have crazy amounts of rooms inside me, like one of those long hallways where every door leads to a different world. I let everyone into the hallway but only leave a few of the other-world doors unlocked for exploring. It'll be fun to see how many I unlock for her and how far she explores.
    I am not controlling at all but I have forbidden her from saying 'no' when I tell her she's beautiful. Self-deprication is not good for anyone of any type and I think that once she understands that she is gorgeous she will really start to come into her own and what-not.
    So yeah, we are doing pretty well. I know I talk too much sometimes and tend to ramble and I am working on it but all-in-all things are awesome!
    Keep up the discussion though, I am crazy interested in ya'll.

  10. #20
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    hehe..well, I have one INFJ friend who is chronically late..so I tend to be surprised if she IS on time, or...*gasp*..early! :-) But two other INFJ people I know (one male, one female), are very punctual like me.

    Makes me wonder how much we should really 'type' certain behaviors like early/late, organized/disorganized, etc. :-) But...that's another discussion!

    Good luck w/ the relationship!! Yes, I'm sure once you start traveling more, the dynamics will change..but you never know, it might bring you both closer!

    My best friend is an INFJ, with an ENTP husband, and they get along splendidly. She actually doesn't mind her husband being gone on business trips 1/3-1/2 of each month. She jokes with me that she wonders if she doesn't prefer it that way! :-) But they have one of the happiest, healthiest relationships I've seen thus far - just complementing each other really well.

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