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Thread: Any INFJ girls?

  1. #141
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    This thread is really amusing.

    I've been biting my tongue, but I can't help but wonder if the situation was reversed, if there was an INFJ female posting about how this ENFP guy was acting towards her, what kind of responses she'd get. All we know about the situation is what findthejake has told us and I'm not trying to imply that we've been misinformed, just that the INFJ may see this situation differently.

    And I have a question: What stuff did you leave? Do you absolutely need it?
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
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  2. #142
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wolfmaiden14 View Post
    o.O I think you're mis interpreting there. I think he meant "scare her" as in she's obviously avoiding him, so him showing up randomly would make her uncomfortable. Nothing more. And he pretty much all but said it was an empty threat.. just to make sure he got his stuff and move on.
    Maybe there are other approaches besides ones that exacerbate issues in her background and possible 'condition'. Mutual friends have been mentioned earlier in the thread. What about mailing the items? There are many options that don't require a face to face meet up.

    In what way is it an empty threat? Isn't he planning to show up randomly? Strongly avoidant behavior is often motivated by real fear, whether or not it is justified. This means that if she does in fact have a disorder and a history of relationships she felt fear in, then using fear to motivate her now is questionable. It exploits a vulnerability.

    I do apologize if my comments were unnecessarily harsh. It's just difficult for me to reconcile the statements made. The question is whether or not he knows her to be actually threatened by him or if her avoidance is motivated by something else like irresponsibility. People don't avoid someone absolutely without a reason (rational or not). The reason is felt to an equal degree as the behavior displays in most cases.
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  3. #143
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    This thread is really amusing.

    I've been biting my tongue, but I can't help but wonder if the situation was reversed, if there was an INFJ female posting about how this ENFP guy was acting towards her, what kind of responses she'd get. All we know about the situation is what findthejake has told us and I'm not trying to imply that we've been misinformed, just that the INFJ may see this situation differently.
    yeh, great postie pro, ive just read the whole script....this has been sadder than romeo and juliet....maybe jake would be consoled and then he may be able to understand her more, and work on himself,and, then, hopefully they will get back together, ....she dont know what shes missin'...all that enfp love...and what a heart you got jake all out on his sleevies. i wanna ya',oh god i love my kind, theyre so vunerable and delicate plateaux of doilies

  4. #144
    *ears perk up* wolfmaiden14's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    Maybe there are other approaches besides ones that exacerbate issues in her background and possible 'condition'. Mutual friends have been mentioned earlier in the thread. What about mailing the items? There are many options that don't require a face to face meet up.

    In what way is it an empty threat? Isn't he planning to show up randomly? Strongly avoidant behavior is often motivated by real fear, whether or not it is justified. This means that if she does in fact have a disorder and a history of relationships she felt fear in, then using fear to motivate her now is questionable. It exploits a vulnerability.

    I do apologize if my comments were unnecessarily harsh. It's just difficult for me to reconcile the statements made. The question is whether or not he knows her to be actually threatened by him or if her avoidance is motivated by something else like a desire to avoid a problem and make it easier on herself. People don't avoid someone absolutely without a reason (rational or not). The reason is felt to an equal degree as the behavior displays in most cases.
    I guess it wasn't an empty threat. Just one that was wished to not have to be followed through with.

    And I see your point. It's not whether he means her any harm or not.. it's whether she thinks he does, and/or the effect of such. I should have known that.

    btw.. does it feel kind of odd to anyone else to be talking about Jake like he's not here in his own thread? ^^;
    Last edited by wolfmaiden14; 11-03-2007 at 10:52 PM.
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  5. #145
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    Quote Originally Posted by findthejake View Post
    So I got a bit mean on a voicemail, said that my pain ended this weekend and that meant I was getting my stuff. That I wanted it either friday night or saturday and if I didn't get it then I was going to start showing up randomly, which I knew would scare her enough that she'd make sure I got it.
    I read that fairly benignly. I think Jake's just putting his (ex-)girlfriend on notice that thus far he's been considerate of her needs and has put up with her rather ridiculous explanations for her absences. But now she really does need to cooperate and show a little consideration in return about his belongings, or he's not going to continue to be so considerate about honoring her excuses and white lies.

    Overall, I think Jake has acted honorably and fairly enough up to now. I don't see any solid reason to presume he'll be any less honorable in the future. He's just talking about a change in course--a realization that they're finally over and he has to look out for his own needs as well as hers.

    Also, Jake was rightfully castigated early in the thread about how he shouldn't presume to diagnose his (ex-)girlfriend with Avoidant PD. In turn, I don't think we (the readers of the thread) should presume to make that diagnosis either. That is, we probably shouldn't make our own assumptions and interpret a reasonable wish (wanting one's belongings back) as a case of Jake of threatening or tormenting someone with a personality disorder. After all, he's only talking about getting his stuff back so he can get out of her life.

    Disorder or no, it's not unreasonable for Jake to ask his (ex-)girlfriend to take a few minutes and work with him on such a simple problem. In that sense, I read "a bit mean" and "scare her" as relative terms. He's probably just getting more blunt with her and saying that she really does need to stop worrying so much about her own needs, and take into account his needs long enough to pick up his stuff around her house and put it out on the porch for him to pick up. Again, not an unreasonable demand under most circumstances.

    Jake's the one in the hot seat, and he has won plaudits for his sensitivity and fairness thus far. Personally I would prefer to continue giving him the benefit of the doubt and assume that if push comes to shove he'll continue to take the honorable course of action. (Also, ENFPs traditionally take a lot of pride in being the guys wearing the white hats, which makes it pretty easy for me personally to give them the benefit of the doubt. )

  6. #146

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    lol

    Toonia - It was an empty threat. I won't ever disrespect her to the point of ignoring her boundaries and showing up without warning. I did manipulate a little bit to get what I wanted and while I know this is wrong.... well I did it anyway.

    Our only mutual friends separated yesterday and the guy is gone now, the girl is crying her eyes out and it wouldn't be right or fair or loving to ask her to get involved as she loves us both and wants us both there to support her.

    I agree this thread would be interesting if she was the one who had started it. Then at least we would know what's really going on up in her skull!

  7. #147
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    This thread has made me realize I'm a lot like the girl Jake described. So now the last guy I ran from I'm planning on hanging out once more, but this time I'm trying to do a group thing so maybe I'll feel more comfortable. I don't think their's anything there romantically but maybe friendship. I hope I don't chicken out again. All I can think of it is how it might end and I have an over active imagination so naturally anything bad never plays out nicely in my head.

  8. #148
    unscannable Tigerlily's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    This thread has made me realize I'm a lot like the girl Jake described. So now the last guy I ran from I'm planning on hanging out once more, but this time I'm trying to do a group thing so maybe I'll feel more comfortable. I don't think their's anything there romantically but maybe friendship. I hope I don't chicken out again. All I can think of it is how it might end and I have an over active imagination so naturally anything bad never plays out nicely in my head.
    Is it possible that you "ran" from him because you don't like him?
    Time is a delicate mistress.

  9. #149
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    That is possible.

  10. #150

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    Still haven't got my stuff. We had pre-arranged for me to get it after work tonight but then I didn't have to work so when I asked if I could get it sooner I got a "Not home" text and didn't recieve anything else till 1am when I started to get worried that she wasn't ok.
    That girl is crazy.

    You'd think if she didn't like me that she'd be doing everything to get that shit back to me so I'd be out of her life...

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