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  1. #11
    Patron Saint Of Smileys Gloriana's Avatar
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    I'm in the middle of a divorce and I really wish I knew what my ex was. He cheated, and he was very much a "here and now" person, it was like the past and future did not exist for him.

    I'm an INFJ and I did recognize my propensity to want this 'perfect' relationship, and certain things I'd always fantasized about seemed so much better in the fantasy than they did when they ACTUALLY happened. I recognized this though, acknowledged it aloud, and tried to work hard on appreciating what I had rather than chasing this stuff in my head.

    I definitely see where my personality can be challenging, that's why I took pains to meet in the middle. Still, I sort of think my ex and I both tried really hard to meet in the middle but neither of us had the ability to recognize just how much the other was doing, if that makes sense. I probably neglected to see his efforts because I'm wired so innately different, and vice versa.

    I have been really interested in the topic of personality types in reference to marriage/relationships. I don't want to get too crazy with it to the point I get like "I'm totally going to type everyone I date and I won't date them again if their type is on the 'incompatible with INFJ' list!!!".

    It's just interesting to see how different types approach relationships, what things the different types have in common in terms of relationships.

  2. #12
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnFpFer View Post
    So, I've read that the ESFP is the second highest of the types in marital satisfaction. The ENTP is next, even though I've heard a lot about them being cheaters. Considering their reputation for being impulsive and "hear and now", that seems strange.

    Marriage seems like more of an SJ institution and an NF ideal. How would an SP who lives in "the moment" remain happy in a long-term marriage?

    Further, apparently ENFP women are more likely than any other type(according to one study) to have husbands who are unhappy with them in the marriage. Any ideas??
    Quote Originally Posted by Synarch View Post
    ENFP women I know seem rather selfish, immature and lazy, IME. Their moods are so important. My mom, God love her, is pretty self-centered, but doesn't seem to even realize it.

    EDIT: I DON'T THINK ENFP's ARE BAD. I just don't want someone too close to me.
    I hate to say it, but it can be true. I have an ENFP female friend married to an INTJ. He does everything, while she spends her time making silly cards for her friend's birthdays. It's sweet and everything, but she hardly thinks about what she can do for him. She always says "he'll take care of it" rather than helping him do it. But if she needs a ride somewhere and he's too tired to take her (he works 7 days per week!!), she throws the stupidest tantrums.

    About the ENTP cheating, I couldn't imagine doing it at all. But I can see a lot of younger ones doing it just for the thrill of not getting caught or to maintain an illusion of autonomy. And also, if the relationship is perfect in every way except for sex, I can see my type having dalliances. But like I said, I can't imagine that lifestyle for myself.

  3. #13
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    I hate to say it, but it can be true. I have an ENFP female friend married to an INTJ. He does everything, while she spends her time making silly cards for her friend's birthdays. It's sweet and everything, but she hardly thinks about what she can do for him. She always says "he'll take care of it" rather than helping him do it. But if she needs a ride somewhere and he's too tired to take her (he works 7 days per week!!), she throws the stupidest tantrums.
    ya know actually...i can see that...it's just a matter of perspective though...he probably does all those things because they're important to him and they aren't to her...or she has a different time table than he does...that's why people should just let each other take care of their own stuff on their own time...but i do get how it must feel that way to him...and how she probably doesn't do it out of thoughtlessness...i will say though that i notice that behavior in my enfp sister...she seems to always have other people doing things for her...hmmm....i like to do stuff myself...but...just when i want...not when someone else expects me to...maybe that is selfish...or maybe it just means it's not a compatible mindframe for someone who thinks differently.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  4. #14
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    ya know actually...i can see that...it's just a matter of perspective though...he probably does all those things because they're important to him and they aren't to her...or she has a different time table than he does...that's why people should just let each other take care of their own stuff on their own time...but i do get how it must feel that way to him...and how she probably doesn't do it out of thoughtlessness...i will say though that i notice that behavior in my enfp sister...she seems to always have other people doing things for her...hmmm....i like to do stuff myself...but...just when i want...not when someone else expects me to...maybe that is selfish...or maybe it just means it's not a compatible mindframe for someone who thinks differently.
    Yeah, as an ExxP, I get that whole timetable thing. But they have 3 kids and he has 2 businesses and she doesn't work. He comes home at the same time every day and his dinner is never ready and he's usually starving so he'll make something for himself. She'll cook, but only when she is ready to do it. But if he interrupts her shopping sundays with the oldest daughter that she does every single week (and spends a fortune), she gets very dramatic because she sees that as her bonding time with the girl. She definitely has a different set of priorities, but when you have a family, you just have to make adjustments - that's point of the whole thing.

    It's funny, her husband called to thank me once because he said that ever since we started hanging out, she has changed 180 degrees. Of course, that's because I don't put up with her crap and when I call her out on some of the bs she does to me, she'll say something like "wow, you know, my husband has been saying that for years but I never took him seriously and just thought he likes to complain. But I see it now how you get so upset when I do this, so I won't do it to my husband anymore either". It's like she needs someone to validate things before she takes action. If someone is upset, she'll call around and tell all her friends and gets their opinion on it before she takes the friend's complaint seriously. I would think that her husband being upset, or a friend, would be enough to make her see the light. Weird.

  5. #15
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    well that's cool...at least she's realized her husband was right to feel that way about certain things and has decided to make adjustments...sounds like there's some respect issue too maybe...i think we'll quickly disregard complaints that we don't respect or see as valid....so she might want to look at that too.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  6. #16
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    I hate to say it, but it can be true. I have an ENFP female friend married to an INTJ.

    I can see this behavior with an INTJ, because I am married to one! We have often gotten into when he claims to be doing "everything". Everything meaning all of the mundane administrative task of family life(and even THAT isn't true). So everything meaning: paying the bills, and working a "real" job. On the other hand, I have taken care of two children, and a friend's child, for more than 7 years-full time. This counts for very little in his eyes. There are things around the house that I wont do, and things that he wont do, but the things that I wont do literally count against my womanhood in his eyes. Further, being an anal-ytical NT, he is constantly finding something to complain about or nitpick. In contrast, when he drops the ball, I USUALLY quietly pick it up giving him the illusion(or delusion) that he is doing just fine.

    When we get into it, it's typically after he's done something I find to be incredibly and personally confrontational or critical. He feels like I don't do enough. If our relationship last, we're on year 12, I will never ever date an NT again. I also think I'll pass on the introverted man. Whereas I desire to be around people and experience new things, he prefers to sit around on a computer while I(because he doesn't like me being out without him), sit at home with him. This is also one of our biggest issues. He hates that I always have to be out. I hate that he always wants to be home. We make it work, but I must say, it is is WORK. And hard work at that.:steam:

  7. #17
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    well that's cool...at least she's realized her husband was right to feel that way about certain things and has decided to make adjustments...sounds like there's some respect issue too maybe...i think we'll quickly disregard complaints that we don't respect or see as valid....so she might want to look at that too.
    Yes, as a Feeling type, once we've lost respect for you, it's difficult for us to hear you anymore.

  8. #18
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    i was just with an istj...i hear ya girlie...different mind sets for sure...wth are ya gonna do...good luck to ya though
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  9. #19
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnFpFer View Post
    Yes, as a Feeling type, once we've lost respect for you, it's difficult for us to hear you anymore.
    But she hasn't lost respect for him. She loves him and idolizes him and only speaks of him. And they've been married for 19 years and she can't wait to be by his side every single day. It's just that when someone says something remotely negative, she buries her head in the sand and refuses to hear it. It takes 3 or 4 people saying the same thing, forcing her to see herself, before she will listen. She is ultra sensitive to criticism, so she just ignores it and pretends it never happened which I imagine is hard for her husband. Beyond that, she is a lovely lovely woman.

  10. #20
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Ahhh, but you never know what is really happening in a marital relationship. I wonder what she says about him behind his back, or on message boards.

    I am not the type to call my girlfriends or mother or anyone else really and talk about my problems(introverted feeling?). I'm sure people think my husband and I have the perfect marriage and that I adore him. Further, I too run to my husband's side every day(after 12 years), mainly because I'm an extrovert, try to get over things quickly, and try to make the best of what I have. Further, I love to around people, and my husband(being an introvert and not liking to be around people so much), is who I have to work with unless I leave.

    My husband has done MANY things that absolutely nobody knows about, but if they did, they would see things much differently(our family and friends that is). They would see him much differently, so judging someone's marriage from the outside-in is usually impossible. ENFPs are very much in the know concerning how people feel about something. If she knows she is hurting/annoying her beloved husband, I'm confused as to why she would persist. We aren't like the thinking types, we are very aware of what we are doing to other people's emotions.

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