[ENFJ] ENFJs and feeling appreciated

[The Grand Chameleon]

When others are made to relinquish, I feel like it's my job to not let go. I've made allegorical parallels to grabbing on and dipping souls out of the Styx. It really does feel like that sometimes. My friends appreciate my ferociousness and tenacity.

Being a bulldog can have huge downsides too of course. Like when you NEED to let go and don't know how.

This is fascinating. Will you elaborate? I want to see if I can relate, but your powerful allegory is beyond my comprehension

 

[Domino]

This is fascinating. Will you elaborate? I want to see if I can relate, but your powerful allegory is beyond my comprehension

Hmm. I think it may have a root in 1. my perception of time sloshing back and forth instead of moving forward, and 2. my knee-jerk need to freeze all things/people so rare and lovely in a bubble moment inside the time-medium so that they can't be degraded by evil, decay, ignorance or death.

The Styx river to me is the ultimate last-ditch effort to keep someone/thing alive. If you can pull them out, they won't go into oblivion, they won't be out of reach. Life will still be touching them, still laying a claim to what death would like to take. Death gets to take everything and sometimes so quickly and easily that it makes me angry. Life spends so much attention and effort making her little creatures, and the exceptional masterpieces - in an ocean of ineligible and hostile things - are something I want to remain forever. Such beauty is hard to find and such worth, that I can't let go of it. Don't forget me, I don't want to forget you...

Forever doesn't exist within my realm of control. But it's in my mind. It's in most everything I do. I can never fully banish the idea of bringing eternity to heel. It's automatic thought and a deluded one.

 

[Thessaly]

wow...that's quite the powerful metaphor. do you feel that way about anyone who touches your heart? even if you only dated for say a few weeks?

 

[Domino]

wow...that's quite the powerful metaphor. do you feel that way about anyone who touches your heart? even if you only dated for say a few weeks?

My sister and family members (including friends who have "graduated" to family status amongst us) I would hold on forever and never let go. It's this weird bulldog tendency inherent in me. I don't lose. Not like that. Not when it's important. At least that's what my brain says to me. It thinks it can defeat mortality, as though it were a human or creature to be slain. I have no idea when I began thinking that way but it's automatic.

I've met people and felt an instant karma moment, where I knew they were worth the effort of preservation.

Other times, it's on a lower level, like in the example I've given many times about a badly abused ISFP boy I knew, and the contract tandem efforts of myself and my Marine ESFJ male friend to pull him out of the abyss. That was a "click" moment - we passed each other a silent look and that was the cue to drag this boy from the fire by whatever method we had handy.

I can't tell sometimes if it's my need to spare people pain or my own need to spare MYSELF their pain. I feel it with them and can't always tolerate it without damage. I see souls underneath the skin - the skin isn't my domain, it's the weightless churning spirit-thing that puts the light in the windows that I'm concerned with.

It's complicated. I don't know what I'm saying!

 

[TopherRed]

I know exactly what you're saying Pink. *shutters from the realness*

 

[Domino]

I always knew I'd have something in common with a Sasquatch (besides the awful smell).

 

[TopherRed]

I always knew I'd have something in common with a Sasquatch (besides the awful smell).

While I freely admit, some of my relatives don't bathe, our scent, as you smell it, is designed to keep you safely away from some of our less civilized breatheren.

 

[Neutralpov]

just acknowldege it

For me I give a lot so recognize what I do. Literally

If you have a good thought on something one of us ENFJ's has done show or say that you saw what we did so we don't feel like we are unnoticed. It is that simple for me and doesn't require anything in return if you can see all we do!

 

[Piedpiper]

So basically ENFJs need to be told that they are amazing...all the time?
Perhaps I've just known lame ENFJs but do they sometimes use the tactic of working allot just so that they can use it against you, all the while saying they did it for you? Like this "I labor so much, look at how much I do for you" while really it's just so you will respond "yes, you do work allot, you're amazing and I'm so grateful to you...I owe you my life?" lol..

 

[Hate]

So basically ENFJs need to be told that they are amazing...all the time?
Perhaps I've just known lame ENFJs but do they sometimes use the tactic of working allot just so that they can use it against you, all the while saying they did it for you? Like this "I labor so much, look at how much I do for you" while really it's just so you will respond "yes, you do work allot, you're amazing and I'm so grateful to you...I owe you my life?" lol..

The answer your looking for is in your own question.

 

[Unkindloving]

Dig deeper into who we are, try to understand how we work, and just show us that we are relevant.
It really doesn't take much if you actually care and appreciate an ENFJ. We just want some of the effort/depth to be reciprocated. Words are enough or even small gestures.

Just be aware, basically. We're usually not throw-away people and that's usually how we're treated.

So basically ENFJs need to be told that they are amazing...all the time?
Perhaps I've just known lame ENFJs but do they sometimes use the tactic of working allot just so that they can use it against you, all the while saying they did it for you? Like this "I labor so much, look at how much I do for you" while really it's just so you will respond "yes, you do work allot, you're amazing and I'm so grateful to you...I owe you my life?" lol..

I think this is a trait of ENFJs who haven't learned or have been burned. We're prone to giving everything we can sacrifice to someone and we don't need them to do the same for us, but we want to know that they see what we are doing. It's a reassurance so we can keep up our end and feel a mutual bond with someone, opposed to a one-sided, surface interaction.
Usually, i won't guilt people into reassuring me if they don't seem to see it. I'll still be thinking it though. Manipulation tactic that needs to be controlled, basically.

 

[Piedpiper]

I certainly hope so.

 

[Piedpiper]

my last post was at juice, sorry.

 

[Piedpiper]

Unkindloving, the wounded explanation does make allot of sense.
However, would an ENFJ have a difficult time showing gratitude to someone else for having worked really hard for them, or just working hard in general? Would this also be an result of being burned?

 

[Unkindloving]

Unkindloving, the wounded explanation does make allot of sense.
However, would an ENFJ have a difficult time showing gratitude to someone else for having worked really hard for them, or just working hard in general? Would this also be an result of being burned?

Commonly, it shouldn't be a problem. We encourage people and love to appreciate others, but the wounded thing can also apply. Either that or not exactly knowing how to show someone gratitude as we are usually the people working hard for others. We can appreciate it more than anything when the roles are switched, but may not be used to conveying it.

I've been burned in the past on all fronts and i will randomly show someone appreciation and gratitude, but find it difficult when they actually do something for me. I can get defensive about it, suspicious, or overly modest (believe that's a proper word for it) depending on the situation.

 

[copperfish17]

However, would an ENFJ have a difficult time showing gratitude to someone else for having worked really hard for them, or just working hard in general? Would this also be an result of being burned?

Mind you this is only about ONE ENFJ I know IRL, meaning her behavior may not represent the ENFJ population as a whole:

The ENFJ I know IRL has no problem expressing gratitude to someone else for having worked really hard for them. It's usually a "thank you so much" accompanied with a hug. She's really graceful about those kind of things.

I guess an interesting thing about her is that... when I volunteer myself to help her do something, she keeps on asking me if I have to do something else. Like she feels bad for taking up my time to do other things I like/have to do. I usually laugh it off saying something along the lines of, "I'm voluntarily offering to help you, so don't worry about it - I'd rather help you than do something else right now." Well I guess that's Fe for you (on her part)?

 

[Ethelred the Unready]

I do like feeling appreciated. People don't need to tell me when they appreciate something I've done, though. I'd rather they didn't say anything, as it often embarrases me. If they truly mean it, I'll pick up on their feeling and be satisfied. If they don't, I'll pick up on their insincerity and feel hurt. It's as simple as that for me.