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  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scott N Denver View Post
    OA, you might be a piece of art but I prefer to think of myself as a finely crafted katana, or maybe tai chi sword. Its very ornate and detailed, and it looks cool and gives off a nifty yet disciplined vibe, but when need be it can lay down the Fi-smack like no other. Hmm, I was making a joke, and yet its all serious/valid too. We INFP's are complex...
    Either and or.. I simply lack the grace you types need

  2. #32
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    I'm no INFP, but I'd say your girl never really discovered or realized that other types, such as yourself, don't see things the way she does naturally. Of course those things are obvious at the surface, but it doesn't occur to her that you have a different way of viewing the world and approaching stuff. Also, she's a Fi-dom and you're tertiary Fi..I'd say she's trying to educate you on it and doesn't realize that although it is possible to learn from her, you'll never be Fi-dom. Your strengths, which seem to be forgotten in all this, are elsewhere. Don't feel bad about this, it's not that you're inadequate, it's just that she hasn't taken enough of a distance from her Fi to see past it.

    On the other hand, I dunno the context of this 'hypocrisy', but is there something that happened in the past that made her paranoid about your logs online? Does she have a good reason to demand this? She seems to be hurt or have lost faith there somehow. Could be from her past or anything.(you don't have to answer this, I'm just trying to make you check if there's a reason for her fear). If it has nothing to do with you, then try gently making it clear that you understand that she's fearful about this, but that you haven't done anything to betray her trust yet and would never dream of doing so. That you understand her need for security but would also like there to be an equal balance in the relationship where hiding things and distrusting each other have no place.

    And yes, Fi-users, especially Fi-doms spend a great deal of time perfecting their ethics and morals. So they're touchy about it. It would be like telling you you're incompetent in at your job, or how you handle things. They are usually very aware of their own flaws and try desperately to sort them out or at least cover them up for the world. You touching upon that...sorta proves that they failed and reconfirms that others see that as a flaw to. On the other hand, those things are debatable as long as you make clear within that same sentence that hey....you might have this flaw but in fact it's what makes you unique, and I love you regardless. It just poses a problem in this area. I don't judge you over this, I just want this to be taken care of. Just think about it. And then walk away. Give them time to digest, and act as if everything is normal till they are ready to give you an answer.

    Last note: don't feel as if you're to blame about this. You're putting in more than your share of effort, and are going tru great lengths to understand her, something she might not be able to see or be aware of and something that might benefit her to do the same for you, so you can grow together. Even Fi-users can learn how to meet in the middle on these things, you just have to get them to take a step back and see the bigger picture so they can readjust their views and values accordingly without feeling like they have to corrupt them.
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





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  3. #33
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    If you love this person very much and are both willing to make the necessary adjustments, then it should to be a win/win situation.

    (Sorry, just my 2 cents)
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  4. #34
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack_Rabid View Post
    Well we get along so brilliantly every way.. except conflict.. and no amount of intellect,reasoning or emotional submission seems to help.. We just end accusing each other or not listening.
    You are using detached thinking to approach conflict; she is using her attached feelings to engage conflict. You want her to use reason in these situations, while she needs to use and express how the conflict makes her feel too, which to you no doubt appears irrational. Her ability to take all the factors of a situation into account will seem alien to you, since you likely don't attach much value to your feelings in what appear to be purely "logical" issues. And for her, feelings come part and parcel with almost every thought, so it is almost impossible to ignore them.

    And bear in mind your so-called "rational" approach will appear cold and unfeeling to her. Even if she does have strong, well-developed Te functions.

    If you emotionally submit to her as well, she can likely sense you are being disingenuous, not true to yourself at least, and this adds further to your conflict. In her eyes, it will look like you just want to "drop it" by trying to appease the situation so she "shuts up".

    Let me read more of the replies here and comment further from that too.

  5. #35

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    She probably places high personal/emotional importance on those values of hers.

    "If you care about me, you must care about the things I give a damn about."

  6. #36
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    I was going to write a long post after reading through this thread, but changed my mind and will tell you this instead:

    The day I realized that I couldn't fix everything, couldn't save everyone, couldn't do all things, wouldn't understand all things, couldn't be perfect, I cried.

    When I truly understood that my body would age and even betray me, that my mind could indeed be forgetful, that my heart wasn't always compassionate, and my soul not always open and honest, I cried.

    I am not trying to be overly dramatic, but perfection means that much. Trying to be perfect may be illogical, but that still does not detract from the desired attainment of it. (We're like the Borg; resistance to that inner calling is futile!)

    Your girl sounds like she has put up walls to protect her from these truths, to deflect from the harshness of them. You pointing out to her she is only human is probably not the reality check you think it is, it is paramount to telling her she is a failure.

    If there is a chance for you to get back together, be gentle in this area. Be yourself though, don't just cave in to her emotional states. For any relationship to work, it requires honestly and willingness for both parties to "meet in the middle". But if I was with a man who continually wanted me to face my imperfections, it would be hard for me too. I already feel painfully aware of where I am lacking.

  7. #37
    Senior Member Coeur's Avatar
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    Criticism offends me when:
    1. The person is not in a position to criticize me. For example, if I was a hairstylist and some random person on the street said that I was doing something wrong, that'd really irritate me.
    2. When I think the person means it personally. Meaning: "I hate this about you. It drives me insane. I think less of you for it." That hurts. I don't like that I have traits that drive people insane. If the person meant it in an objective, "I love you anyways" way, I wouldn't care as much.
    3. If it's too harsh. It isn't constructive, or neccessary. The person said it just to say it. It's like: jeez, what did I do to deserve THAT?

  8. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    The day I realized that I couldn't fix everything, couldn't save everyone, couldn't do all things, wouldn't understand all things, couldn't be perfect, I cried.

    When I truly understood that my body would age and even betray me, that my mind could indeed be forgetful, that my heart wasn't always compassionate, and my soul not always open and honest, I cried.
    Wow. That really helps me understand my INFP friends. Thanks.

  9. #39
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    Logic is like a spellchecker for an INFP. It can point out flaws, but it's not necessary to get the point across.

  10. #40
    Senior Member Scott N Denver's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nebbykoo View Post
    Logic is like a spellchecker for an INFP. It can point out flaws, but it's not necessary to get the point across.
    Exactly! Excellent way to put that nebbykoo.

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