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  1. #1
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    Default Should I cut my losses and move on?

    Some backstory: I posted a post a few weeks back, here's the link:

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...us-crisis.html

    I have been starting to talk to my family and seeing where they are and have had some crazy experiences and I am fearful that I will lose them. Let me give you an example of an email to my cousin and her wife, dear friends and loved ones of mine:

    I started out emailing them this (_names have been removed_):
    I haven't talked to you guys in ages. What a long strange trip it's been for me. But all the confusion and extreme hardship has seemed to come to fruition. I am now in a more peaceful state and actually have a handle on my issues, it's hard to believe really. In the past year I had been in the emergecy room 4 times and I put myself in a volentary checkin crisis center for 5 days. Time is running together I'm not sure if the last time I saw you I had already been in the center or not. There is a lot to tell. A crap load to stuff has happened to me and I have learned a lot about myself.

    The main reason I have been able to remove myself from the bog that I was stuck in is that I have had to become a person, if that makes sense. I bet you know what I am talking about when I say that I hadn't become me yet, my own person.

    It used to be when I heard things that reminded me of my past hardships that I would allow myself to go into a frenzy. Allow myself to enter that dark place that we all have in us. That place where nothing you can do is going to work out and you are always going crash, burn and ultimatly fail. I never knew how to control those feelings and they dont care if your down they will continue to beat you if you dont know how to fight back, hence the emergency room visits, I wanted to kill myself so bad, but I didn't want to do that to (_my wife_) so when it was REALLY bad I would call 911.

    But after a LOT of therapy with a very cool therapist (that's not The Rapist) I have been able to get control of myself so-to-speak and finally start figuring out who I am and what (_myname_) wants in his life. Before that wasn't present, I was allowing the past to control my actions, living in the past so-to-speak.

    So basically I'm just saying that I am in such a happy and content place. Not saying that I still don't have depressive attacks and that they are formidable, but I feel more equip to stand against them now, it's a wonderous feeling after so many one-sided victories from the depression!

    But enough about me! How is life on the coast? How is (_counsin's husband_)? I think about you guys and miss you a ton! Me and (_my wife_) were watching X-Men 1 the other day and Hugh Jackmen always reminds me of (_my cousin_). I was watching that scene where hes in the X-Men underground and hes trying to get out with his shirt off and he finds a sweater! LOL I remember (_my cousin_) freakin out about that scene. Good times.

    Love you guys and keep in touch,

    -(_my name_)
    I got this email a few days later:
    Hey (_ny name_),

    We know your email was a way to test the ground and open a way for a conversation about Your Decision. We know enough already and we don't need to know any more. We don't want to hear your reasons or your theories, we are not interested in details.

    We want you to know that this is not because we don't love you anymore. You know that we have been there for you and tried to help you, but your choice has removed you from Jehovah and anything he has to give. There is nothing we could say that has not been said to you before and there is nothing you could say to us that we haven't heard in the past.

    Neither of us want a reply e-mail from you, we're not interested in continuing this conversation any further. We don't want to hear your reasons , we can't stress this enough, we don't want to hear it.

    We feel sorry for you but feel worse for (_my wife_). She can contact us if she feels like it but we truly do not want to hear from you again.

    (_my cousin's husband_) and (_my cousin_).
    And here is my reply to that email:
    My email was soley about getting in touch with you. I don't want to talk about my decision as much as you, for similar reasons. All I want is to retain some sort of communication with you guys because you mean a great deal to me. I assume you took my email as a kind of manipulation tactic to talk about our differences. But truely it was only to say hello.

    I know there is an elephant in the room though I wont deny that. But like you said it can't be resolved if my beliefs were put against yours. But that's not what I am about. I really respect all witnesses and their fight for what they hold to be truth. I admire anyone who positions themselves in this world and stands up for what they believe in. I understand that my decision greatly alteres our relationship, but in no way should it disappear by default. I also assume you believe you have all the information you need about me, but I will point out that it is 100% here say at this point (besides what I just told you) I think it is important for us to talk about me, not what I believe, but what my attitude is. Please think about and give me a reply.

    -(_my name_)
    So they are pretty pissed it seems and hurt. My email was pretty much a shot in the dark. I'm not sure if I should put much effort into salvaging this relationship.

  2. #2
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Yes. In fact, I'd say it's the appropriate thing to do.

    If someone says they don't want to hear from you anymore, then it's rude to continue bothering them. I know that if I sent an e-mail like that to someone (even a family member), I'd pretty much be telling them to move on, because I was completely tired of dealing with them.

    They've ended the relationship. That's how I read the e-mail. They've already cut their losses and moved on. Don't read too much into the love, they've put something above their love that makes it irrelevant to them. If they've put their religious beliefs above love (which they have), you don't have much chance of getting through to them. Your choice is between remaining in denial and vainly seeking reconciliation, or moving on as well.

    In other words, I think the choice has been made for you. All you have to do is accept it.

  3. #3
    "Everything in its place" fill's Avatar
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    I haven't the slightest clue how your (sect) of (sort of) Christianity works, but I'm glad you got out of it because Jehovah's witnesses are... well, to put it bluntly, fucking nuts. I commend you for questioning what simply is, and being a martyr of intuition.

    Now to your situation: I don't think your family has stopped loving you; that's ridiculous, and cousins aren't as close as, say, a mother or father, so they have no room to speak for the other members. It surprises me how they're so volatile they are to simply approaching what they see as a "sinner" with open arms (wait, that's something Christ might do!). If they refuse to even communicate with you, give it time and try again, and be as friendly as possible about the situation as you've already done in your e-mails.

    I feel for you and good luck.
    "Poor bastard. Wait 'till he sees the bats. "
    enneagram - 7/5/3

  4. #4
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    I know that if I sent an e-mail like that to someone (even a family member), I'd pretty much be telling them to move on, because I was completely tired of dealing with them.
    Indeed. But the crazy thing is I havn't talked with them in over a year. This tone in this email is based soley on what they have heard from others and of course the email they were replying to.

    I'm pretty crushed. Just really sad that they are taking this stand against me, especially in the dark, without really any communication.

  5. #5
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sabastious View Post
    Indeed. But the crazy thing is I havn't talked with them in over a year. This tone in this email is based soley on what they have heard from others and of course the email they were replying to.

    I'm pretty crushed. Just really sad that they are taking this stand against me, especially in the dark, without really any communication.
    That sort of thing is very irritating, but, agreeing with the above posters, they have slammed the door and locked it. No use in knocking or rattling the knob.

    It's good to know that you've pulled out of a rough past, though!
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  6. #6
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Give it some time. As I understand it Jehovah's Witnesses are not encouraged to spend time with non-believers, which contributes to why they would respond so strongly. I can imagine that this vastly changes your family relationships and social network and that must be really hard right now. Let them see how you are living your life now and evaluate what kind of person you are compared to the one they were acquainted with. Things may change, but probably this is not the time for anything other than pleasantness and space towards them.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Scott N Denver's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    Yes. In fact, I'd say it's the appropriate thing to do.

    If someone says they don't want to hear from you anymore, then it's rude to continue bothering them. I know that if I sent an e-mail like that to someone (even a family member), I'd pretty much be telling them to move on, because I was completely tired of dealing with them.

    They've ended the relationship. That's how I read the e-mail. They've already cut their losses and moved on. Don't read too much into the love, they've put something above their love that makes it irrelevant to them. If they've put their religious beliefs above love (which they have), you don't have much chance of getting through to them. Your choice is between remaining in denial and vainly seeking reconciliation, or moving on as well.

    In other words, I think the choice has been made for you. All you have to do is accept it.
    I concur with the above. THEY made a decision, there is truly not much you can do about it. Realize that the decision that was made was of their doing, and further that its almost entirely beyond your ability to do anything about. Regardless of any efforts you may make, they would have to decide themselves to make a change to their decision, you can't force that hand.
    Just remember, you didn't make the decision to write them off, they made the decision to write you off. Put differently, you didn't slam any doors, they did. Don't potentially punish yourself for other people's decisions that are beyond your control.

  8. #8
    Member Jaded Idealist's Avatar
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    Jehovah's Witnesses are theologically Christian, but they have certain beliefs found in no other sect, and some are quite quirky. If I admire anything about them, it is their devotion. They are right in a way: most people in the first world are narcissistic, worldly lemmings with cell phones and car keys.

  9. #9
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    Just curious, does the tone of the email sound like it was composed by your cousin and your cousin's husband? I am wondering if it is some pre-written form letter since the wording is polite but the content itself is rude.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ozz View Post
    Just curious, does the tone of the email sound like it was composed by your cousin and your cousin's husband? I am wondering if it is some pre-written form letter since the wording is polite but the content itself is rude.
    It's defintely my cousin's husband. But I'm sure my cousin read it and approved of it before he sent it.

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